forrest

collection of written miscellany

4-something-lost

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4


  “It’s so nice, Ellie bringing friends over. She never brings anyone over, always in her room tinkering with something, head wrapped in a headset, sometimes on the holotable or clacking away on one of those old letter boards—the key thingies, whatever you call them—old stuff. Dunno why she needs them when we’ve got the headsets. She’s got some old screens in there too; dunno what she needs those for either, but she’s got them, sure does. You know, she left only an hour or so ago, said she was going to fix the net, and by the Gods, just like that, all the things start beeping and we’ve got net again. My brilliant little girl. Does spend too much time in front of the screens, though. Sometimes I worry that I’m not enough, that she needs someone else. Maybe I’m a little jealous of the screens. It’s just been her and me for as long as she can remember, hell, nearly as long as I can remember, you know. And those screens were always her closest friends. I was starting to think she didn’t have any real friends. She’s always been real stubborn too, gets worked up easy, thinks she knows best—maybe she does. I was kinda like that too when I was her age; her mom too, I think—well, I figure. Her mom, I can’t remember her face. It feels sad, but I’ve forgotten why it’s sad, so maybe it’s not so sad; I don’t know; who knows. There’s just a fog there. Echos Myron says the data’s corrupted, unrecoverable, even cut me a deal on future memory refreshes. Young guy at the counter said all nervous, ‘We’re so sorry about this, Miss Gigi, but the information tagged daughter has been fragmented beyond repair.’ I can remember his words word-for-word but can’t remember my own damn daughter, can you believe that? Maybe I never even had a daughter. I don’t know. I don’t even have any holos of her, which is kinda strange. You’d figure that, if I can’t remember my daughter, I wouldn’t even remember that I had one to begin with. And sometimes I do forget, until I look at Ellie, and then it all comes flooding back. Ellie is the only reminder I have left, like a solitary flower in a field of corpses; a reminder that there’s something more out there; something beautiful; something easy to forget. I don’t know. Some people say they’re putting stuff in the water, makes us forget things. Sounds crazy to me, but sometimes you gotta wonder. It’s probably just age, though. You can’t remember everything, right? But even nutters gotta be right sometimes, you figure. The Complex Authority is definitely putting contraceptives in the water, though, right? Gotta be. No newborns for a while, I heard—seven, eight, nine years or something. Anyway, glad she brought you two young men over. Only other person that ever came over here before was little Timony. Sweet girl, kinda wild, though. But Timony’s real young—gotta be eight or nine or something. Born during the fertile period. Always playing that holotable game all the time: People of Power or Power to the People or Pantheon People or, yeah, Pantheon of the Power People, I think it was called—actually, I don’t remember too well. Power. People. Power. Pantheon. Too many P’s. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, right, Timony. The poor thing lives with her mama, and that old girl’s got old problems. All crashed out. Lives a few blocks down. Old, old problems; and I’m not just talking looks or ankles—I’m talking years of snowcrash. You know, snow sickness. I don’t know the technical term for it, something complicated, but she has that glaze to her eyes where there’s like this sick gray mucousy stuff all over, kinda like the ash storms out there always hiding those starships that you only see on the holo news sometimes, you know. Those thick pillowy clouds of gray ash—or red, if it’s real bad. Maybe our eyes are, like, the starships of the soul. Ignore me. Sometimes I say crazy things. I’d love to see one of those things at least once, though—the starships, I mean. You ever see them? Some people say it’s all a hoax. They’ve never been outside; when people can’t see something for themselves, they come up with all sorts of wild stories: the flat Thessaly people, the rat warriors of the Great Latrine, those mutated dogs with the poison fangs—as if there’s any animals—people saying the Pantheon isn’t real, or memory banks putting your memories in the moral agents for who knows what; that last one’s the craziest one out of all of them, I think; like, why would they do that? But you know how they go on and on, especially Lenny. Oh boy, Lenny. Anywho, you boys from Floor 3 too? Elpis and I, we used to live up on Floor 7, had this nice recreational facility for kids. I don’t remember why we moved down here. But I used to take her there when she was real young—the rec, I mean. She’d jump all around the platforms, doing cartwheels and spins off the bars. I would say, ‘My little Elpis, recklessly confident as always!’ and she would grin that big toothy grin of hers and just keep doing the stuff even harder, like she was showing off for a crowd that wasn’t there. But when an actual crowd did show up, she would act so shy, like she couldn’t do the damn things I had just seen her doing. In fact, I got a video of it right here in the drawer, just gotta…”

  Gigi—an elderly woman with hair like white rust pulled into a wiry ponytail and skin like that of an old, cherished blanket with many wrinkles and small eyes like clouded emeralds and those once-freckles long since turned into brown splotches with little micro hairs poking out—trailed off, mumbling between small coughs as she dug through a metal drawer full of thick cards and other knick-knacks.

  Gray was leaning back, arms crossed, against a black metal cold box that nearly touched the low ceiling, which resembled an eldritch maze of dark chrome pipes and tubes and air vents and small inset fans. He wore an expression like that of an atheist being forced to attend a sermon.

  Jules, blonde locks brushed behind one ear, was bent over a glossy countertop that reflected a dim orange glow from a bulb inset into the ceiling itself in what appeared to be a kitchen crammed into the corner of a cramped living area. The room contained a sofa with a small side table nearby and four doors, one for each wall—portcullis, bathroom, Gigi’s room, Ellie’s room—and, of course, not a window in sight. The ambiguous artist was propping their head up on the countertop with their bare right hand while lightly chewing their long index finger. The glove they had been wearing during their earlier encounter with Zale was missing. They watched the wrinkled woman intently, blinking with wonder as a child might while listening to a bedtime story.

  Ellie was nowhere to be found, although her presence was felt, as the cramped room was littered with items that gave the impression they were not Gigi’s: small DIY electronic devices, some wrapped in black electrical tape, and little plastic model robots of all colors and sizes dotted the back of the kitchen counter. Some of the robots were holding small utensils and devices in their little robot hands; mixed in there were little plastic cats, one of which was orange and pudgy, swinging a single paw back and forth as if motorized. Lots of magnets were stuck all over the walls, one of which held a holo-paper calendar turned to the month of Gamelion, displaying a moving image of a big-eyed cartoon woman wearing a floppy hat who struck different poses as she leaned against a massive metal wand topped with a heart-shaped stone while little hearts bubbled up and popped all around her; the words “month of love” faded in and out near the top of the image. The black cold box was adorned with holo pictures of both Ellie and Gigi, one of which showed a very young, bare-bottomed Ellie standing in a sonic shower with her head vis-à-vis the camera as her hair was being blasted all over the place; her expression a mixture of fear and excitement. Dotting the room were potted plants with plastic stems, featuring both synthetic and holographic petals of oranges and blues and greens.

  “Ah, here we go,” Gigi said as she pulled out a dark metal card about the size of her palm. On it was the letter-number combo “E9,” what looked to be a camera lens, and three touch-sensitive glyphs for PLAY and PAUSE and BACK. Before continuing, she glared sharply at Gray, who was still leaning against the cold box; “Didn’t your mama teach you any manners? This isn’t some nightclub. Stop leaning on the box!” Then she slid a slightly trembling finger over PLAY, causing a blue three-dimensional image to flicker out from the small lens. The holo was volumetric, occupying real space above the card, and wobbled wildly three times before the blue light solidified into a full-color image of a small girl with bright orange hair in baggy clothes on what looked to be a gray metal jungle gym. The girl leapt from a ledge, grabbed a metal bar mid-air, spun elegantly, and then twirled down to a pad below, landing entirely upright like some anti-gravity feline. She turned to the camera and smiled wide—single big front tooth noticeably missing—then bolted off toward a ladder to start the whole thing all over again before the hologram flickered out.

  When the image disappeared, Jules’ face was very close to the card as if they had been analyzing every little detail. “She’s wonderful, isn’t she?” they said without thinking, blinking their big alien blues and chewing on their thin index finger.

  “She really is—what’s your name again, young man?” Gigi asked with a warm smile.

  “Jules. And…” They pursed their lips for a moment, as if debating something internally, then just returned the smile. “Thanks for showing me that.”

  Gray lifted his arm up and around in an exaggerated motion then peered down at the black square on his wrist. “It’s been nearly fifteen minutes. I’m going to check on her.”

  “Would you, dear? She’s normally not this quiet when guests are over.” Gigi leaned her body ever so slightly to the right to look beyond Jules’ tall frame, but as she lifted one foot off the ground, she toppled right over, nearly hitting the floor if not for Gray, who—as he was walking past her to the door across the room—caught her in what seemed like a flash, leaving Gigi staring up into his dark eyes. The young man peered down at her with something like a faux coldness that one got the impression was once a conscious affectation but was now involuntary, and this cold glare spooked Gigi, who hadn’t gasped when she first fell but certainly gasped now when she looked deep into those dark orbs. This prompted Gray to set her upright and look away as if he hadn’t just caused some old woman to shudder with dread. Gigi, who was already very pale, turned paler still, and she spoke with a tremble, “T-thank you, young man.”

  Jules felt the vibe and felt it weird, so they leaned in toward Gigi and spoke with a soft slyness that was something close to a whisper, “It’s like, one day, long ago, Gray was staring in a mirror, practicing those cool stoic expressions, and a devious genie came along and granted his wish, permanently altering the landscape of his handsome face into that of Epictetus, for better or worse—wouldn’t you say?” And this returned the color to Gigi’s face; she looked back and forth from Gray to Jules before she said, “And you say his name is Gray?” To which Jules nodded cartoonishly and responded, “It’s almost as if the name chose him!” And this elicited a jubilant laugh from Gigi that must have been contagious because Jules started laughing too and the only one who wasn’t laughing was Gray whose Epictetus was slowly turning Hades in real time so he sharply turned and started toward the door on the other side of the small room, crossing the entrance portcullis, which, as he did so, started going off like a claxon with high-pitched boops. The portcullis was ringing, and this caught Gray’s attention, so he shifted his entire demeanor from stoically casual to stoically alert and—hand in coat pocket—stoically ready to hurt someone if necessary, then turned toward the door, which was when he saw a small monitor about the size of a hand near the portcullis keyhole that displayed a grainy live feed of the area just outside the portal.

  Standing in front of the portal was a young girl holding a thin box, the details of which were hard to make out. The girl herself barely stood eye-to-eye with the camera. Her hair was twisted into dreads that spilled like thick muddy water over an ovoid stone. She was wearing a nervously indignant expression on her face, made complete by a deep pout on her full lips, as if she knew she was not supposed to be doing exactly what she was doing but was clearly doing it anyway; yet, underneath this rebellious demeanor, she looked as any child does: powerless and lost and full of hope.

  “Oh, that must be Timony.” Gigi didn’t need to shout because the room was so small. “Please, let her in.”

  Gray hesitated for a moment before lifting his hand to the keyhole, in which the square plastic key was still inserted; he twisted it, and the heavy portal let out a pneumatic poot as it lifted to slowly reveal the dark-skinned young girl just standing there all surrounded by gunmetal walls lined with cardboard boxes and graffiti and a few lost souls all drooped over. The little girl tilted her chin up to stare at the young man now standing before her; her brown eyes wide and trembly and ever so cloudy. “What do you want?” she said in this sort of forced rude way, and just as the words escaped her lips, she lifted the metal box to her chest and wrapped both arms around it as if protecting the thing or, perhaps, drawing comfort from it. Then, somewhat shyly, she stood tiptoe to get a look over Gray’s shoulder; the sight of Gigi brought an immediate smile to the girl’s pouty face. Gray only managed to get one syllable out before the girl pushed past him. The portal closed behind her. She immediately made her way to the middle of the cramped room and plopped herself down on the chrome-framed sofa, wiggling herself into the dark blue cushions, sinking somewhat into the plush.

  Gray took his hand off the portal key and turned to the metal door that was the entrance to Ellie’s room; as he took the first of the five steps required to get there, he stopped at the sofa and introduced himself to the girl, who was holding what he now recognized to be a HypnoSims V15 HoloTable, which he knew was a very old model indeed. “My name’s Gray, by the way. What’s yours?”

  But Gray’s introduction prompted only a sideways glance from the girl before she lowered her head close to the holotable and pressed a glowing glyph on the device, which elicited a low-pitched jingle before humming with whirr. A circular lens in the middle of the box opened as if it were some sort of reptile’s eye, and from this eye, a blue light burst forth, illuminating both the girl’s creamy face and the maze-like ceiling above her. The blue light weaved and warbled before coalescing into a nondescript man in heavy armor, holding a shield in one hand and a spear in the other, its tip pointed at the chest of a mighty dragon towering above him. The entire hologram played out over the little girl’s lap, which happened to be about the size of it. At first, the image was only blue, but it soon flickered into full color, highlighting the man’s red-and-gold armor and the dragon’s scaly brown-and-green hide. The man and the dragon started trading blows: jab, fire, guard, jab, fire, guard, jab, fire, guard. The girl reared back, a huge grin on her face.

  The holotable started to speak, its voice clear and charged with valor: WELCOME TO THE PANTHEON OF POWER! A logo with very powerful P’s faded in as a shimmering gold treasure box spiraled into view, obstructing both the man and the dragon, who continued to battle in the background. CLAIM YOUR DAILY TREASURE BOX! The girl lifted her thin wrist and tapped the holographic box; the box opened, revealing an artistic animation of a nude man with flowing electrical wires instead of hair soaring through a red ash sky atop a mechanical horse with clockwork wings; the man was holding skyward a thick triangular blade, and the tip of this blade shone bright. BELLEROPHON PEGASUS FORM B! A heavy sigh escaped the girl’s lips, but before she had a chance to dwell, a heart-shaped box with a rose-tipped lever burst into view. FIND TRUE LOVE DURING THIS MONTH OF ROMANCE! The girl tapped the rose-tipped lever, and it cranked with a glittery tune before opening to reveal a gorgeous fair-skinned woman with hair of golden weave wearing a sleeveless robe that alternated epileptic between blue and purple; the woman’s arms were chromatic and iridescent as she softly strummed a lyre, the frame of which resembled animatronic snakes with the heads of men attempting to lick each other’s forked tongues; her music wafted momentary bliss throughout the entire room. HARMONIA LYRIST FORM C! Timony stared into the hologram as if dumfounded for a moment before shaking her head. “C-tier? Really? I can never pull a good healer class Goddess.” She started grumbling to herself as she tapped the image away, which caused a holo starship to zoom into view; it was highly curved and black with golden accents, three burst engines like massive buttocks on the back of it spitting blue and white flame; there were golden particles raining down from the belly of the starship, and these particles shimmered into obscurity as they reached the holotable itself. STARSHIP OLYMPUS RAINS FORTUNE UPON YOU! TAP! TAP! TAP! BONUS PULL! Timony’s eyes lit up—”oh oh oh!”—and she tapped the starship aggressively; each tap increased the particles before the starship abruptly zoomed out of view, leaving only a single glistening chest behind, which opened to the image of a man sitting on a throne, the cushions of which were a dark yellow; there was a spotlight on the man; he was dressed in black slacks and an Old Earth sports jacket over a white dress shirt topped with a dark bowtie; he sat confidently with one hand resting upon his chin, a pensive frown painted across his pale, clean-shaven face, which was framed by a jawline that was sculpture-esque yet just pudgy enough to appear youthful; his parted hair was as dark as the jacket he wore and fell in waves right below his brow, and the loose strands of hair, which would normally fall over his pointed ears, were tucked behind those ears; by all metrics, the man was incredibly handsome as he sat there on his dark throne, puffing pensively on a thin black tube, which lit yellow at the tip with every drag before the man released clouds of smoke from his mouth as a lazy dragon would, and some of these clouds were shaped like lightning bolts and rings and stars; and although the man was wrapped in smoke, his deep blue eyes pierced right through the fog with paralytic gaze. ZEUS PALE KING FORM S. Timony’s eyes went wide, “My first Zeus! And S-tier, too! I can’t believe it! Serge’s going to be so jealous. This is going to be my new party lead, for sure for sure for sure!” She bounced in place on the sofa before tapping Zeus away, which caused yet another holo to abruptly flash into view: a calendar bordered by spiral columns and flowers, all of which looked completely flat when viewed from certain angles. CONSECUTIVE LOGIN ROLL; ONLY 5C TO BOOST YOUR ODDS. Timony tapped 5C, which jingled, and then the calendar spun wildly as it was overtaken by artwork of a feminine figure wearing a full suit of close-fitting purple armor accented with scales and webbing, complete with a long black cape that whipped about behind her; she wore a dark purple helmet shaped in the likeness of a dragon’s head, which covered only the top half of her face, thus revealing her fair skin and full pink lips below the draconic visor which itself was inset with two orbs of white; her hair, which was the color of fresh rust, flowed from the back of the helmet like a river of blood, stopping just short of her curved posterior; her right arm was down by her side, and in her hand, she held the shaft of a massive black lance that extended far behind her; the blade of the lance was no blade at all, but instead, a pyramid of blue light. ATHENA PARTISAN FORM F. Timony’s jaw dropped in horror. “F-tier? That’s what my 5C gets me? F-tier?” she mumbled as she tapped at the dragon dame, which prompted yet another box to appear, followed by yet another heroic proclamation, followed by yet more tapping, followed by more heroic proclamations, and so on and so forth.

  Gray could hear the heroic proclamations booming from behind him as he knocked on the sleek metal of Ellie’s bedroom door. PAN FLUTIST FORM F. There was no answer. Gray knocked again. SACRIFICE OF TROY B. There was still no answer. “Hey, it’s Gray. Just c—” TYCHE BLESSED: ROLL AGAIN! Gray’s ear twitched as Timony blurted out some sort of nonsense word. “I was just checking on you,” Gray repeated, raising his voice as he pushed his face closer to the metal. About thirty seconds passed before he turned his back to the door and saw both Gigi and Jules staring at him, looking concerned in tandem, while Timony was still just tapping away.

  FINAL ROLL. Angels on high. “C’mon.” Shimmering fountains. “C’mon.” A casket creaking. “C’mon, C’mon.” An explosion of glitter. A fanfare. JASON UNDEAD FORM D. Timony fell silent, and then, as if in the blink of an eye, she bounced herself to a standing position atop the sofa, flailing the holotable in her hand, which flickered holograms wildly about the room as if there were a psychedelic light show going on. “GACKING GAME GACKING SUCKS I CAN’T EVEN DRAW A GACKING A-TIER HEALER FOR GACK’S SAKE. ORPHIC GARBAGE.” Then the holotable was flung across the room, narrowly missing Jules’ head, before crashing into a wall with a loud clang, bouncing once on the hard floor, and landing upright, projecting the man and the dragon once more as if nothing at all had happened.

  “Timony! Language! Your mama may let you act like that, but not around here!” Gigi rasped forward with a surprising amount of spunk for someone her age, then snatched the holotable off the floor and placed it back on the sofa next to Timony, who had done just as Gigi said, for she was now sitting as rigid as a plank of synthetic wood.

  “Do you have any idea how much those things cost? No respect for your mama or anything!” Gigi gesticulated between light coughing.

  Timony hung her head low before meekly trying to get a word in. “It’s black vanadiu—”

  “Black vanawhatnow? That’s not the point! The point is personal responsibility. Respect for your stuff and your things and all that. Think about all the hard work your mama put in just to buy you that; you should think of that thing as if it’s your mama; instead of that holotable sitting right there on that sofa right there—it’s your mama. You just threw your mama. The whole idea of your mama: thrown. Right against the wall.” Gigi shook her head. “Not a care in the world.”

  “Mama didn’t buy this for me, she ain’t got any credits. I stol—”

  But Gigi wasn’t listening. “And those crystals cost a small fortune, you know. If you damaged that crystal, oh girl, you know you’d be in a world of hurt trying to get another one. Say bye-bye to your Power People Pantheon or your Pantheon Peoples or your—well, you know what I mean.”

  Gray had forgotten about Ellie, all pent up in her room, silent; he was caught up in Gigi’s lecture, and he found it hard to remain stoic in the face of the whole thing; an odd expression—something like empathy, if raw empathy could be an expression—formed on his face as images of his own mother flashed through his mind; the memories kept pouring in, to the point that it became just too much, and he had to close his eyes as if to tune it out.

  “Alright, alright. I’m done. Here.” Gigi removed a palm-sized bar wrapped in crunchy foil laminate from her pants pocket and held it out to Timony. “Have yourself a biobar. You look famished.”

  Timony lifted her head, a weak smile forming on her lips. “You just having these in your pocket?” She grabbed the bar from Gigi and, as she did so, noticed Gray, just standing there with his eyes closed. “Hey, Messy Head, what’s the sad face?”

  Gray looked to his left and then to his right. “Messy Head?”

  Jules stepped from the kitchen corner, placing a gloveless hand on Gray’s head, ruffling that wild bush of hair. “Gray’s hair, slayer of combs. I quite like it.”

  Gray jerked his head away. “Whatever.” He toughly rubbed his nose. “Just reminded me of someone, is all.”

  Jules nodded but said nothing. Gigi moved to the kitchen, opened and closed the cold box, and then returned with a clear bottle of water, which she placed on the small triangular end table near the sofa. Gray was looking away from the whole scene, hiding what he felt was something like embarrassment all over his face. There was an odd quiet before the sound of Timony gulping water interrupted the silence.

  “Anyway.” Gray cleared his throat.

  Jules stood there all alien in the quiet, twirling strands of blonde hair around their finger before letting them go, watching them twist like brief tornadoes before settling into slightly wavier strands.

  “Yeah, anyway.” Timony shot a glance at Jules. “Who’s the pretty girl?”

  “My name is Jules.” They blinked. “Do you like music, Timo—”

  “Girl? You’re a woman?” Gigi’s shock overtook her manners.

  Gray’s mental embarrassment evaporated as he cast a dubious look at everyone around the room.

  Jules thought about Gigi’s question for a moment, then responded in a tone bordering on melody. “All things are interdependent—you and I and everything,” their last syllable trailing off like the final note of a song.

  There was a another brief silence.

  “What the gack does that mean?!” Timony blurted before being slapped on the back of the head by Gigi as she was returning to the kitchen. The young girl grumbled as she rubbed the back of her head before grabbing the holotable and burying her face deep in the glow of the holo menu.

  Jules stood there with an ambiguous wave on their lips before running a hand through their blonde hair, which fell very messy down the middle. Then they turned to Gray, who was digging one hand through a coat pocket in an unassuming manner. Jules looked back at Ellie’s bedroom door before turning back to Gray. “Let me try,” they said as they turned to approach the door.

  Gray took two steps toward the sofa, hovering over Timony like a storm cloud. “Hey—mind if I borrow your holotable?” He said as faint knocking could be heard behind the digital horns and strings and clashing steel and explosions all booming from the holotable speakers.

  “Hades no,” Timony said without looking up. “I’m in the middle of a Tier 8 raid. I can’t just quit.” She lurched forward, her young face glowing as she peered into a war-torn woodland with flaming trees and craters and a lake with some sort of tentacle monster coming out of it and all the rest, all isometric on a grid. Four units outlined in blue sat on the right side of the map, six in red on the left, all idling in different cool poses. “And I’m outnumbered. So no. Go away, Messy Head.”

  Gray remained unassuming and poised all cool. “Well, what if—” he trailed off as he saw Gigi—who was just fidgeting with a synthetic flower pot dangling from a pipe on the kitchen ceiling—turn toward them in an annoyed motherly kind of way, as if she was about to go off on Timony once more, but Gray subtly gestured to her with two fingers, causing Gigi to nod and turn her attention back to her flower pot.

  Gray continued. “What if I could get you a free pull?”

  Timony was quiet for a moment, then twirled her wrist above the holotable, which stopped all animation and caused a bright white “PAUSE” with a powerful P to appear over her lap. She then looked up at the one she called Messy Head, a single thick eyebrow raised. “How?”

  Gray stretched a single hand up to Timony’s right ear, and she responded by incredulously pulling her head back into the sofa cushion, which momentarily caused her chin to blob into her neck. “Hey, man! What you doing? Back o—”

  Gray flashed his wrist back from behind Timony’s ear, and wedged there between his index and middle was a thin plastic card. He then twisted his wrist to reveal the image on the front of the card; a young woman surrounded by treasure caskets of various colors, a ring of gold framed the woman’s head, and she held a sceptre which was flowing with rainbow electricity and adorned at the head with a massive letter C. The words Pantheon of Power were above the woman while little flashing C’s danced all around her.

  “Oh oh oh!” Timony might as well have been drooling.

  “It’s yours—just let me borrow your table for about ten minutes.” Gray’s stoicism was replaced by a childlike grin as he deftly moved his arm around, dodging Timony’s clumsy attempts at snatching the card out of his hand. “You’re not going to get it any other wa—”

  Timony suddenly launched off the sofa at Gray, who smoothly stepped to the side, causing Timony to land face down into the gunmetal floor. The clank of her hard skull banging the metal rang for a moment before being drown out by soft groans.

  Gray’s grin was now a rare smile. “I told you, you’re not going to get it any oth—”

  Gigi burst onto the scene. “Timony! Just what do you think you’re doing acting like that? Wild child! Now, if your mama would ever let me talk to her—or see her, for that matter—I would make sure to tell her to give you a proper—”

  Gray laughed true for the first time in a long time, three deep ha’s. “Gigi, it’s fine. Let her be.” The old woman gave Gray the side eye then coughed then waddled off to the kitchen, mumbling something.

  Meanwhile, Timony had managed to lift herself to her knees, picking up the holotable that had fallen during her desperate lunge. She was growling softly, which was like a low rumble in the room’s ambiance, as if an aggravated Old Earth cat had somehow gotten loose. Then, she plopped herself down on the sofa. The growl turned into a sigh of defeat.

  “Well?” Gray said, now tauntingly waving the card back and forth.

  Timony snapped back. “Fine, but only for ten minutes, and only after I finish my match.” She paused, looked down at the paused holotable, then back up. “Messy Head.”

  Gray said nothing as he looked at the girl, who looked back with those big dark eyes that were ever so cloudy and very slanted, the bitterness of defeat still lingering. But when Gray’s expression softened into something like a brotherly gaze, Timony’s expression softened in kind. Gray then took one step, placed the card face down on the end table, and then took two steps back to the kitchen. Timony, meanwhile, unpaused her game, which started with the horns and strings and clashing of metal and explosions once more.

  Gigi turned to the young man. “That was well played. Surprised me. Thought for a second you were some kinda devil or something. But somehow I knew Ellie wouldn’t bring any devils home. That look in your eye when you caught me earlier, you know. Real strange. I don’t know what it was. But no devil could pull that off with little Timony. Never seen her looking like that or acting like that with someone before. You got kids or something? You look too young. But you seem to have the knack.”

  Gray blinked. He then gestured at the cold box, which Gigi gestured back to, so he opened it and removed a plastic bottle of water and a biobar. “Don’t be so sure about devils,” he paused to twist the cap off the water and take a sip, “they come in all shapes and sizes, you know.” He shifted his dark eyes at Gigi with an exaggerated slant, as if trying to scare her in some cartoonish way, but this only prompted a laugh from the old woman.

  “I know you now. You’re no devil,” Gigi said, serious like cardiac arrest. This seriousness caught Gray off-guard, and in an attempt to seem unaffected, he leaned back against the counter and focused on the back of Timony’s head, which was shifting back and forth as she tapped and waved at the holotable while sounds were going off.

  There was a quiet between them for a moment before Gray spoke. “My mom was like that.”

  Gigi was the one blinking now, clearly confused.

  “I could see it, in Timony’s eyes.”

  Gigi tilted her head slightly.

  “My mom. Crashed. Hard.”

  “But your eyes are as clear as mud, not a cloud in sight.”

  “She started using just after I was born.”

  Gigi watched the dark youth intently.

  “How you talked to Timony, she would talk to me like that too,” Gray said, “on her good days.”

  The messy-haired young man fiddled with the crinkly wrapper of the biobar, then, after much crunching, managed to pull it halfway down to reveal the gray block of bio-matter underneath. He took a small bite, winced, swallowed, then took a big gulp of water to wash it down. “Always hated the taste of these things. Especially these blank label ones. What flavor is this supposed to be anyway?”

  Gigi—taken aback by the non sequitur—did a double-take between Gray and the biobar and back again. “Oh, the bar?”

  Gray took another bite, didn’t even chew this time, just swallowed it whole. “Yeah.”

  “I don’t know. I think the flavorless ones. But even flavorless has a flavor, I suppose. It’s all we can afford with the hecatinium mining job I got, borrow Ellie’s headset to control the below-ground bots. Ellie does it part-time, too, you know. Between school. Mostly do maintenance on the machinery down there, sometimes help with the water pumps too. Doesn’t pay too well. Anyway. They say those biobars have all the nutrients we need to survive, but you always still feel kinda empty after eating them, don’t you? Lenny one time joked that they were made of these things called cockroaches, or something, but actually, I don’t think he was joking. Always sounds like he’s joking, though. He says they’re Old Earth bugs that can survive anything, which makes no sense, no bugs on Thessaly, makes you wonder why they’re even taught in elementary. What’s the point of learning about some old dead planet? Anyway, Lenny keeps going on and on and on with the conspiracies, says people have seen bugs outside the complex, even in the bubble, but that’s just crazy talk. Hades, I don’t know anyone who’s been outside of the bubble, much less outside of the complex, but Lenny, you know Lenny, he’s always going on—”

  “Stop,” Gray said abruptly, glaring. “And no, I don’t know Lenny. Why would I kno—”

  Timony suddenly WOO HOO’D, which was followed by a fanfare of horns and sparkle sound effects from the holotable, flashing a rainbow of colors across the pipes on the ceiling above her. “This Zeus is way overpowered,” the young girl blurted out to no one in particular.

  Gray and Gigi turned vis-à-vis wearing an identical smile.

  They laughed.


  Ellie sat there upon the lip of a verdant coastal shelf, surrounded by a rainbow of flowers, her arms wrapped around her knees, her head slightly down in the gap between. An occasional breeze tossed her rusty hair to and fro as she gazed out at an endless blue, watching white V’s circle above crystal-clear waves cresting into the foggy distance. A solitary seagull perched merely a few feet away from her, both of them right there on the edge of the fall.

  “I just don’t know why he did it.”

  An ambiguous voice drifted in upon the wind: “I’m having trouble manifesting.”

  “I can take care of myself, you know…” Ellie’s last word trailed off as she shifted her gaze to a honeysuckle blooming in real time by her feet.

  “I know you can.” The voice seemed to be coming from nowhere in particular; it was just floating there, part of the ambiance. “I still can’t manifest.”

  “It’s a single-user instance,” Ellie said with detached matter-of-factness.

  “There’s this Old Earth nursery rhyme—seems appropriate—goes something like,” the voice spoke in tune, “yipee, you can’t see me, b—”

  “—ut I can you.” Ellie mumbled the end of the lyric.

  “Did you program this place?” The voice seemed to come from every direction.

  Ellie idly tapped her bare feet together. “Yeah. I come here sometimes.”

  “It’s beautiful.”

  “It’s whatever.”

  “What isn’t whatever?”

  “The man.”

  “Gray?”

  “No.”

  “Who, then?”

  “The mouse.”

  Silence.

  “I killed him.”

  Silence.

  “He’s dead.”

  Silence.

  “And I just left his body there.”

  “He was…”

  “He was a person.”

  “Of course, but…”

  “And he had a mom and a dad and maybe even kids.”

  Silence.

  “Don’t you feel anything?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you seem so fine with everything? So playfully oblivious.”

  “I have to be.”

  “You have to?”

  “I thought it was love, but it’s far beyond that.”

  Silence.

  “I’ve known him for as long as I can remember.”

  “How long is that?”

  “Maybe thirteen years or so.”

  “You’ve known him that long?”

  “He… he saved me.”

  “From the Consortium?”

  “From everything.”

  “Everything?”

  “From myself.”

  Silence.

  “A few minutes before you and I met… he saved me then, too.”

  “Seems like he saves anyone prettier than himself.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  Silence.

  “It was his idea… he couldn’t let you go alone.”

  “Why?”

  “He didn’t say it, but I could tell he felt responsible.”

  There was a long silence before Ellie responded: “And now I feel responsible—can’t you see that?”

  “Yipee, you can’t see me…”

  “And now I’m in his debt.”

  “No, he doesn’t see it that way—you’re free.”

  “And what about you?”

  “I, Julian?”

  “Is there anyone else?”

  “That’s a good question.”

  “Stop it.”

  Silence.

  “What I meant was—are you free?”

  “I don’t…”

  “Free from him, I mean.”

  There was a long pause before the voice continued. “I…”

  “You…?”

  “This dictionary never has a word for the way I’m feeling.”

  “But there’s no dictionary coded into this simulation.”

  The disembodied voice responded with a whistle that wisped into a soft hum, followed by the gentle plucking of guitar strings—three or four notes alternated somewhere between melancholic and euphoric; and, in short time, the low hum harmonized with the guitar melody. The ringing of each note reminded Ellie of what the muted booms of stars going nova in galaxies far far away might sound like, each star leaving behind a black hole, sucking in all the nearby planets. But then, the chorus of the song sped up, as if in fast rewind, like each of those dead stars were reverting back into protostars, only to nova once more in the verse. And all these mental images brought Ellie’s emerald eyes to a close. The language of her mind became lost, a gravitational whirlpool of emotion that could no longer be translated into words, and these feelings swirled like those same planets swirling into black holes for several minutes before the melody drifted off on the synthetic wind.

  “That was beautiful,” Ellie mumbled before opening her eyes to the sight of a dozen seagulls all perched at the fall. “What’s it called?”

  The voice returned. “I don’t know—the title has been lost to time, but I call it ‘Something Lost, Something Returned.’”

  “Well, then, it’s not lost—is it?”

  There was brief silence before the voice returned. “Thank you for fixing my Tone Gauntlet.”

  “Of course—that’s why you’re both here, isn’t it?”

  “You offered.”

  Ellie’s lips curled into a weak smile, but she remained silent.

  “What will you do now?”

  Silence.

  “Whatever you do, I’m glad that I got to meet you, Ellie.”

  Ellie was quiet a moment before shifting her gaze to the electric blue. “I’m glad…” but before she could finish her sentence, she felt a small pit in her stomach, like the absence of something; somehow she knew the voice was gone. And she was left sitting there, alone, staring out into the endless blue. The seagulls that once perched there along the fall had all taken flight, become little V’s out there in the foggy distance.

  Ellie took a moment to soak it all in, releasing her knees as she rested her palms on the damp grass behind her. She repeated the words the voice had spoken to her: “What will you do now?” and then took a deep breath before exhaling that same breath, and then, like a whim on the wind, hopped to her feet and took off in a sprint toward the ledge. As she approached the fall, she closed her eyes and leapt with all her might. She felt the air against her face, her hair dancing wildly upon the wind before it was pushed upward by the fall. The primal part of her brain kicked in, flooding her body with adrenaline as her heart rate sped up and her breathing quickened, but as the logical part of her brain took over, she soon relaxed and splayed her limbs out like a starfish, twirling herself slowly like a dying leaf falling from an Old Earth oak. When she finally opened her eyes, she realized she was much closer to the water than she had expected, which spurred some light panic before she crossed her left hand over to her right, tapped her palm in a rhythmic pattern, and mumbled something inaudible against the wind. With the final tap, glowing rings of yellow materialized, forming a pipe around her, and then the rings collapsed in on themselves, and, just like that, Ellie was gone.

  The seagulls and the waves were gone too.

  When Ellie opened her eyes, she was standing inside The Polytechnic of Chrysame, in the back of a lecture hall; the spiraled white columns and open-air clerestories letting in pillars of light and students donned in white-and-gold robes were a dead giveaway. The students were motionless as she lightly stepped down tiers of steps toward the main lecture stage, where a professor—a middle-aged woman in black robes with dark hair accented with wisps of gray—stood frozen, pointing up at a massive board displaying an image of space dotted with little stars. There was one massive white star in the middle, which Ellie figured to be a white dwarf star, but, despite her assurance, she looked puzzled. “Is this the wrong recording?” Then she looked far above the board at a frozen marquee—LATTICE 6–BLOCK 11—and sighed. “Maybe a bug in the telepipe protocol,” she muttered as she reached for her palm. But before tapping her palm, she paused, looked up at the white dwarf star again, and then lowered her hand; curiosity had gotten the better of her.

  “Play.”

  The professor lowered her arm, then addressed the class, looking right past Ellie, who was standing right there, staring up at the white star on the board. “Consider the black hole, spacetime’s most powerful celestial object—not even an object, really, more a rip in the fabric of the known universe, perhaps even beyond the known universe, into places completely unknown to mortals, places that maybe could not even be called places at all; places only true gods know, if any such beings exist. The black hole, something that, even now, we are still unable to fully explain without branching off into multiple theories of physics and metaphysics and sometimes—like in the case of the Scions of Singularity—even religious cults, just to explain these anomalous holes in space. This is what makes the fact that we have created one—a black hole—so strange. As you all know from our course last semester on the early scientific experiments conducted by The Great Witch Queen, Maeve Hecate—may she bless us all—even a black hole the size of a grain of sand can destroy an entire continent. And we also know that each of Hecate’s—may she bless us all—attempts to contain even the smallest of black holes were met with failure; even hecatinium, the most powerful of the known elements, could not contain a black hole, as every hecatinium barrier erected around a black hole was itself drawn into the hole, thus making the black hole stronger, and every barrier around those barriers was sucked in as well, and every barrier around even those barriers was sucked in also, and so on and so forth. Thus, the very act of trying to contain a black hole only makes it stronger. And, as you all know—because, if you didn’t, you would have failed last semester’s final exam and thus would not be here to hear this lecture—the only way that The Great Witch Queen, may she bless us all, was able to stop the black hole she had created was by creating another black hole of equal magnitude, thus each black hole canceling the other out; they effectively sucked each other into oblivion.” (Laughter erupted from the class at this last statement.) “The point I am trying to get across is that these black holes are more powerful than anything we currently utilize today on Thessaly; and the point of that point is to illustrate the sheer destructive force of these magnificent spacetime anomalies. And, as a follow-up, I want you all to consider for a moment: what if a black hole could be reversed? What would that look like?”

  There was a break in the lecture as the professor flicked her wrist at the board behind her. The white dwarf star started to warble and flicker, then it solidified, and, as if in the blink of an eye, the entire board flashed white and stayed that way for some time before, slowly, the whiteness started to fade into blackness. Little specks of color—stars—started to dot the inky void. Ellie, standing there transfixed by the whole thing, slowly realized that she was watching the creation of an entire cosmos on fast-forward. The video zoomed through various planets and moons before magnifying in on a lush blue-green planet. But before the animation could finish, the professor flicked her wrist, and the video paused.

  The professor turned back to the class. “Who can tell me what that was?”

  Students started raising their hands, spotlights shining down as the professor pointed at them, one by one.

  “Looked like a star going nova.”

  “The theorized Hecatinium Wave?”

  “May I be excused? I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Old cosmology, looked like the Big Bang, I think?”

  “Definitely a singularity event of some kind.”

  “I really need to go to the bathroom.”

  “A black hole in reverse, like you said?”

  The professor nodded at that last one. “Yes, yes, but what’s the name for it? Anyone know?”

  A small boy with shaggy silver hair that framed his pudgy, rosy face raised his hand; his head barely poked up above his arm desk. The boy—whom Ellie had never seen before—looked far too young to be enrolled at The Polytechnic of Chrysame. The professor pointed at the boy without even a subtle change in expression. The spotlight reflected off the boy’s odd gray eyes as he spoke, “That was a visualization of a white hole—highly theoretical, of course.”

  The professor nodded. “That’s corr–”

  “Really more of a legend or a myth than a scientific theory, however, as a white hole has neither been observed nor mathematically computed. Even Maeve Hecate—” The boy was interrupted by the professor, who muttered, “May she bless us all,” before pausing to allow the boy to continue, which he did with nasally, mid-pitched clarity: “As I was saying, she was unable to produce even a single white hole, even with gravity engines powered by high concentrations of hecatinium. The idea, however, is that a white hole acts in the opposite manner of a black hole; to put it in layman’s terms—which this class desperately needs—a black hole consumes, whereas a white hole creates. It’s theorized that the existence of black holes necessitates the existence of white holes, for where else would all the black-hole-consumed matter go? But, alas, not a single white hole has been observed, so—again—this is all more of a legend or a myth, really, a fantasy, and I don’t know why we’re even learn—”

  “Very good, Ptolemy,” the professor said abruptly, cutting the boy off. She then turned to the board, waving her wrist, which caused all the events played out earlier to rewind at high speed back into the white mass that earlier Ellie had mistakenly believed to be a white dwarf star. “The video is meant to illustrate not only the obvious—that being, the white hole ejecting energy and matter into the cosmos—but also that, when played in reverse, the white hole effectively becomes a black hole, sucking everything back into itself; the flow of time altering its very nature; and, in this way, one could think of a white hole as a black hole backwards. One can then extrapolate that a white hole is something like a seed, or a womb, or, figuratively, like an idea waiting to be acted upon. But perhaps the best analogy would be that a white hole is like an egg, like a cosmic eg—”

01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01000101 01000111 01000111 00100000 01010111 01000001 01001001 01010100 01010011 00100000 00110010 00110001 11000010 10110000 00110010 00110100 11100010 10000000 10110010 00110000 11100010 10000000 10110011 01001110 00100000 00111000 00111001 11000010 10110000 00110011 00110001 11100010 10000000 10110010 00110000 11100010 10000000 10110011 01010111

  The environment around Ellie started to rip and tear; the color of the surrounding walls melted like paint into a black void beneath her, and the space around her danced with purple ones and zeroes that didn’t feel random at all. Then a harsh noise rang out, causing Ellie to cover her ears, but somehow this only made the noise worse. Before she could react further, the space around her flickered and shifted into another lecture hall, where Socrates stood frozen before a massive whiteboard.

  Ellie lowered her hands, her face a picture of perplexity as she scanned the new room. A shiver ran down her spine when she saw herself sitting among the rows of seats in the middle of the lecture hall, a bird perched on the back of her seat. She saw Arc, too, looking as full of scorn as ever, his eyes trained on her own simulacrum. She had never quite gotten used to seeing herself in the third person.

  “Play.”

  Socrates animated; the old man flicked his wrist, and the board was suddenly consumed by black lettering outlining a lengthy assignment. “This week, I would like you to complete two essays: the first on which utilitarian system of ethics you think leads to the most positive outcomes, and the second on a time in your life when you had to use that same utilitarian system, outlining the reason and outcome. If you can't think of a time, consider an event in the past when you could have used your chosen utilitarian system, and then extrapolate on that.”

  When the old professor finished outlining the assignment, Arc noticed Ellie’s avatar had lost its features and was now just a blue-light outline. He blurted out, “Ellie’s glitching out again,” accentuated afterward with a single mocking “ha!” before continuing, “Complexer HyperNet, poor girl.” Arc’s toxic tone was met with silence from his peers, so he again started with the forced laughs as he nervously looked to the students around him, who, out of loyalty (or fear), started laughing along with him. Ellie—the real Ellie—never noticed all of Arc’s subtle pleas for attention until just now from the outside looking in.

  “Idiot,” Ellie mumbled, then tapped her palm six times in an odd rhythmic pattern, which caused the scene to slowly start fading.

  As the scene faded, the students’ forced laughter continued. “Quiet!” Socrates shouted before aggressively flicking the contents of the board away, leaving nothing but a massive blankness floating behind him. Then, taking a deep breath, he addressed the class once more, his volume fading in time with the image: “The recording is available for any student who attended the class, as always.” And, with the scene nearly black, the old professor looked up from his desk, realizing that the students were still sitting there, awkwardly staring at him. “Right, right—you’re all dismissed.”

You can now safely eject.


  Gray sat upon the sofa with the holotable in his lap just as Jules—looking more ambiguous than ever—closed the thick metal door behind them, their right hand now fitted with a thick fingerless glove, the palm of which pulsed with a faint blue ring of light. Gray looked up from the holotable, which was not projecting anything at this moment. “Well, what did she say?”

  Gigi turned to look at Jules from her spot in the kitchen. “Is she OK?”

  “She’s OK, she’s just—”

  Just then, a loud whirring like a sonic flush could be heard throughout the small room, and, as the noise trailed off, Timony burst through a metal door in the corner and blurted out, “You done yet?!” as she pranced up behind the sofa, leaning her head over the back of it, real close to Gray’s, and stared down at the holotable.

  “Patience,” Gray muttered as he placed his hand into his coat and pulled out a small rectangular stick enclosed in a dark blue casing with a single connector poking out from the bottom. He felt around the side of the holotable, feeling for a port, and, when he found one, slotted the stick into it, which was followed by a soft chime.

  “Patience? I’ve been in the sonic for, like, five minutes! What have you been doing out here? C’mon, Messy Head!” She reared her head back as if she were pulling away but then suddenly launched over the back of the couch in a desperate attempt to grab the holotable; but Gray bounced to his feet just as suddenly, his long coat swirling as if Gray himself were the eye of a typhoon, causing Timony to fall flat on her face yet again. And when Timony looked up, Gray was holding the holotable under one arm while tauntingly holding the thin plastic card from before with his free hand.

  “Hey! You gave that to me!” Timony shouted.

  “Should have used it while you had the chance.” Gray spun the card in his finger, slid it into the depths of his coat.

  “Not fair!”

  “What the Gods giveth, they also taketh away.”

  Timony rolled over on the hard metal floor then let out an exaggerated sigh.

  Gray gave one of his dark smiles then spoke, “You can have it when I’m done.”

  Jules watched the scene with a soft smile, as they had not seen Gray this playful in a long time.

  Gray took one wide step right over Timony to the sofa and sat down, placing the holotable back on his lap before waving his hand over it. A three-dimensional woman with bobbed blonde hair wearing a suit and tie flickered into view right above Gray’s lap; to her left was a waterfall of green text, and to her right was a zoomed-out image of a sandy landscape scarred by a large smoldering crater that was emitting thick plumes of smoke. The woman lifted her arm to point at the image of the crater, which was like a window into another world right by her head. And then she spoke in a tone that was intonated and calm:

And in latest news from the surface, complexes across the entire northern hemisphere are experiencing outages due to a meteorite impact that occurred at approximately 8:30 PM TST. The meteorite’s impact zone was calculated as being located between Spire64 and a derelict AA Facility just outside Complex 42’s bubble, which has since been reported from sources inside the complex as being, quote-unquote, barely holding. The Star Touched Sentinels’ sources aboard the scientific research vessel, Starship Scylla, have reported that the meteorite is emitting abnormally high levels of H-radiation despite its small size and is of special interest to the Thessalonian Triumvirate, who have ordered its immediate retrieval, citing matters of planetary security. And, according to our sources, within the coming hours, a small force—overseen by the Mistress of War, Athena—will be dispatched to the surface to retrieve the meteorite. When asked why a military force is needed, the Thessalonian Council refused to give specifics but did state that dispatches to the surface are typically handled by the military branch, insisting that this was routine procedure. In the meantime, Aides autonomous droids have been mobilized to repair the damage to Spire64, and the surface outages are expected to end at approximately 12:30 AM TST. And in other news, the Pale King himself will be making a visit to the garden district of the Starship Athens to deliver—

  “Boring!”

  Timony leapt at Gray, who was forced to perform a complicated backward flip over the back of the sofa just to avoid her, sending Timony face-first into the sofa with a mouthful of cushion. The holotable fell to the floor, and Timony hurriedly picked it up and plopped herself down on the sofa; she then placed her hand on the side table to grab the card, only to be reminded that Gray had taken it moments earlier.

  Jules, who had been in the perfect position to prevent all this, chose to do nothing except cover their mouth in a poor attempt to hide silent laughter.

  Gray rose from behind the sofa with a cross look on his face. He patted his coat before looking down at Timony. “Why did you think that was a good idea?”

  “Who cares about some stupid meteor? I’ve got daily missions to complete,” Timony snapped back. She had already booted up Pantheon of Power and was tapping her way through the menus. There was a brief pause before she turned her upper half to look at Gray. “Can I have the card now?”

  Gray just stood there. “That meteorite could buy you a place on a starship, young lady.” He then flicked the card back between his fingers. “Why shouldn’t I just destroy it?” He flicked again, and the card was gone.

  “If you do that, I’m telling Ellie that you were mean to me, and she’ll never ever let you come over again,” the young girl said with an exaggerated pout on her face.

  “We can’t have that, I guess,” Gray responded as he flicked his wrist, seemingly materializing the card once more.

  Timony stared in wonder, “How do you keep doing that?”

  Gigi, coughing as she walked slowly to the door of her room, looked back at Gray and shook her head. “After how she’s been acting, you better not give her that card!”

  Timony bounced in place on the sofa, nearly shouting. “C’mon! He knows I’m just playing!”

  Jules stepped over to Gigi—who was doing these wobbly coughs—and placed a hand on her shoulder, offering help without saying a word.

  “I just need to lie down for a moment, in my room,” Gigi said quite frailly. “It was lovely meeting you both. I’m so glad that”—she coughed—“Ellie has some friends now.” A smile shone between wheezes. “Look out for her, Jules.” She started inching closer to her bedroom door, Jules helping her along. “That Messy Head,” Gigi said, laughing and coughing at the same time, “make sure”—another cough—“he doesn’t get her into any trouble.” She placed a hand on Jules’ hand and looked straight up at them. “He’s got that look in his eyes, you know.”

  Jules looked back at Gray—who was now playfully holding the card out to Timony only to pull it away when she reached for it—then back at Gigi. “I know.”

  Then Gigi opened her bedroom door and passed into the darkness of her room, leaving the door slightly cracked, only to poke her head out a moment later. “And Timony”—she coughed—“you stay here tonight! I don’t want you wandering around out there during an outage!”

  And just as Gigi’s door closed, Gray swiped the card away from Timony’s leaping grasp, landing the young girl flat on her face, a third time. “You’re going to need to do better than that if you want the card,” he grinned.

  “Not fair! You said I could have it!” Timony said as she crawled back onto the sofa.

  “That was before you attacked me.”

  “I was just playing,” she said meekly as she pulled the holotable back onto her lap.

  “Look, tell you what,” Gray dangled the card close to Timony’s face, “Jules and I have to get going,” he twirled the card, “but if you stay here and promise to keep an eye out on Gigi and Ellie for me,” he flicked the card into the air above him; it spun, “I’ll let you have the card.” Seconds later, the card fell perfectly between his fingers, then he twirled it once more. “Sound good?”

  Timony fiercely nodded. “Yes yes yes yes, I promise.”

  Gray nodded, then extended his hand to the young girl, who snatched the card and pulled it close to her chest. Gray blinked for a moment, and when his eyes opened, Timony was slicing the plastic card through the mouth of a dragon whose volumetric head was melon-sized in the young girl’s lap.

  The sound of angels on high.

  Gray started toward the portal; Jules took a few steps to catch up with him.

  Shimmering fountains.

  Gray turned to Jules. “What did she say?”

  A casket creaking.

  Jules: “She said you seem to have this habit of saving people prettier than you.”

  A glittery explosion.

  Gray smiled wryly. “She’s not wrong.”

  Timony’s raised voice could be heard behind a static crackle: “Thing’s glitching out!”

  Gray, turning the portal key, glanced over at Jules. “If we can get our hands on that fallen star, kiss goodbye to that blood debt and literally everything else. This is our chance.”

  Jules heard Gigi’s voice in their mind as they recognized that look in Gray’s dark eyes. “Our chance...” they repeated before following Gray out of the raised portal and into the Terminal-B hallway.

  Perhaps it was for the best that Ellie wasn’t coming along with them, Jules thought.

  A fanfare went off—ATHENA PARTISAN FORM S—followed by a loud “WOO HOO!” Timony flailed her arms while bouncing up and down on the sofa, holographic artwork of Athena bobbing up and down along with her. She let out something that sounded like a SQUEE before spinning around on the sofa.

  “Hey, Messy Head! Guess what—”

  But Messy Head was gone.


Chapter 5 (Coming soon)

Artwork by ComicFarm.


#TheEgg #Fiction

mognet2 title card

(context: this is an email response to a reader who provided feedback on my scathing critique of social media found in the first issue of Mognet; essentially, this is a follow-up clarifying some of the WHY of why I left social media.)


Hello Reader,

I really appreciate you reaching out. It kinda made my morning when I read your email. I didn’t know I had this type of influence on people—or even one person, for that matter. I was especially surprised that it was you who reached out, as I was under the impression that, for some reason, you didn’t like me or something, but that was probably just my mind playing tricks, as it often does.

I’ll preface this with the classic Spider-Man quote that we all know so well, but I won’t actually type it out here; instead, I’ll just say the following: influence is a tricky thing that comes with a lot of responsibility, and I don’t know if I’m truly worthy of influencing anyone. So please take everything that comes after this paragraph with massive piles of salt.

Anyway, as I said, I really appreciate you reaching out. And I understand that, because of my previous Mognet post (and my actually-leaving-Mastodon), you, too, are now considering leaving Mastodon. So, let’s talk about that.

And yes, I know who you are. I averaged about four hours a day on Mastodon (between mobile and desktop) while I was still a user there, so I can confidently say that—up until the point when I left—I’d read every single one of your posts and either A) liked it, B) commented on it, or C) didn’t interact with it at all because it would have felt inappropriate to do so. To elaborate on that last one: like you, I have pretty poor social skills (even online), especially when it comes to expressing empathy for someone’s personal misfortune; and a large part of the reason I don’t like to console people online in this way is because, well, I just don’t care that much—OK, let me rephrase that: I care intellectually, but I don’t care that much emotionally. I can recognize when something bad happens, understand its impact, and realize that it sucks, but I don't feel bad for the person specifically. (Note that I am referring to online people I have never met here, not family or friends or someone getting stabbed on the street in front of me or whatever.) So, as you can imagine, the idea of me providing emotional support to someone online that I barely know makes me feel a bit fraudulent. What am I supposed to say? “I'm sorry your relative died,” “praying for your quick cancer recovery,” or send little heart emoji and/or animated dancing heart gifs or something? If that’s expected, do we really want a community where we’re all doing all these little performative, feel-good platitudes that lack real emotional weight? At that point, I’d constantly worry about the sincerity of the person telling me they’re “so sorry” for my loss or whatever. This ties directly into social media, which, in my view, has become very performative in this exact way. But perhaps I'm just the odd one out here; maybe quote-unquote normal people do feel deep empathy for literally everyone else's misfortunes. Who knows. Somehow, however, I doubt it, because if so, we would be seeing a lot more people just hanging limp from rafters or crumpled fetal in the corner sobbing due to the sheer volume of psionic shit they would be experiencing on the day-to-day; it would all be too overwhelming. Not even the main character Jesus Christ from the hit novel The Bible could maintain that level of empathetic care without at least breaking down into tears every few minutes. I just don't buy it. When we start throwing these platitudes around all the time for literally everything—especially when we don’t really know the people personally—we make sentiment cheap and, as a result, no one can tell what's truly heartfelt and what's not. Maybe you can relate to all this, maybe not. The important thing, though—(and I’m not just putting this in as a disclaimer, I actually believe this intellectually, emotionally, &c.)—is that, while this all sounds very cynical and mean, we have to remember that, even if we don't personally feel sorrow on behalf of someone's misfortune, that misfortuned someone is still a fleshy human person who deserves our respect; and, in my mind, refraining from empty platitudes is more respectful than flippantly telling everyone, “I’m sorry that happened to you” for every little thing; and in this way, when I do express empathy, the person receiving said empathy will absolutely know it’s genuine—because it will be.

That was a long-winded tangent. Sorry about that. You probably think I’m some sort of major asshole now. Like I said earlier: piles of salt, &c., &c.

Anyway, yes, I was (am) aware that you were diagnosed with autism. I have never been formally diagnosed with autism, but I was diagnosed with ADHD “pretty much five seconds after the pediatrician met you” (my mom’s words). What I think I’m trying to say is that, while I may not be diagnosed with autism, I feel it’s appropriate to respond to you here because I think I can relate to your situation personally. Outside of us playing very similar games at very similar points in our lives—(such as Half-Life 2, which you seem to really like [see—I have read your posts], and I also really like Half-Life 2; in fact, Half-Life 2 is probably one of my favorite games, if I had to pick; up there with The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time [which I seem to recall you not liking very much—maybe I am misremembering?])—I, too, faced all forms of bullying in school; from wads of paper thrown at me in class to literal sitcom-like toilet swirlies (only happened once) to just being straight-up attacked while going to the bathroom (this happened, like, twice; both times I escaped unharmed). So, as you can imagine, I was “the weird kid” or “the future school shooter” or “the faggot” or, well, you get the point. After a while, I just exaggeratedly played into these roles to scare the other kids into leaving me alone, which started to work by the time high school rolled around, but by that point, kids kinda just stopped bullying me and retreated fully into their own little cliques. And all this was in the early 2000s, when social media was just starting out. It (social media) hadn’t caught on with adults yet, but it was mega popular with kids; everyone had a Myspace profile, and every Myspace profile had a wall of comments, and every wall of comments was located right under a “top friends” section displaying, at most, like six friends—which was a pre-programmed limitation for some reason or other. (And you can’t begin to imagine the amount of drama caused by that “top friends” thing; the number of friendships torn apart by the very act of changing the top slot on said “top friends” section was, quite frankly, unimaginable.) All that, plus the private message feature, plus the fact that parents didn’t have a clue about the internet back then, resulted in pretty much a wild west of teen and pre-teen weirdness that even I wish I could forget sometimes. And this was just the beginning of the weird shit kids got up to online back then.

Anyway, I think I’m getting off topic, again.

What I meant to say is that I originally started using online services (like Myspace) for the same reasons you did: to find a community of like-minded people, to connect with the youth of which I was also a part of. And I still think that social media is a good way to find like-minded people, but, unfortunately, it’s fraught with the perils you mentioned in your original email: cyberbullying (which is much easier to do—and fall victim to—online, as it’s easy to forget that people are indeed people when you’re communicating with them from behind a screen), the constant questioning of whether people are who they say they are, the emotional-sincerity problem that I mentioned in that long tangent earlier, this tit-for-tat you-share-my-post-I’ll-share-yours interaction system which leaves you wondering if people genuinely value you as a real human person or if they’re just using you to increase their own e-clout, and the ease with which every community turns into a tribal echo chamber in which anyone with even slightly differing opinions is ostracized right into another harmful echo chamber. All of this—and, I’m sure, much more that I am just unable to fully articulate at the moment—lends to online social media feeling very transactional and fake indeed.

But, again, I recognize the value of community, and I understand that some people do not have a real, in-the-flesh network of people that they can consider their own community, and that these people—for the sake of their own well-being—may need to find a community on social media instead. And that’s OK. In fact, it’s better than nothing. I would just caution those who pursue this avenue to be aware that these online communities can never replace the physical experience of being around other like-minded people in the flesh; and the more we retreat into these social media safe havens, the more we become sucked into them, the more we become reliant on them, and, thus, the more we disconnect ourselves from the people around us, thus thus driving everyone into these highly polarized online spaces from which it becomes nearly impossible to remove oneself due to the addictive nature of social media itself.

But, of course, there’s danger in everything we do. Perhaps I’m just being a doomsayer. Maybe I’m just trying to post-hoc justify my decision to remove myself from Mastodon.

Which is a nice segue back into the reason why you emailed me to begin with: your implied question, “Should I, too, leave Mastodon?”

And the answer is going to disappoint you, I guess. Because the answer is: I don’t know.

Here’s the lowdown on why I left Mastodon. Yes, I wrote that Mognet piece; yes, it was a real email to a real reader; and yes, I still believe everything I wrote in that email. (And yes, I’m posting this one here as a follow up because I feel what I’m about to get into here is very important.) But the twist here is that most of that first Mognet piece was projection. And when I posted the piece online (on Mastodon, lol), a lot of people got kinda defensive and upset about the whole thing, as if I was calling them out specifically. This backlash was mostly prompted by the following line (I think):

“. . . it doesn't remove the human need for self-validation that inspires all of the following: fake feel-good shit, posting pictures of video games and/or toys one bought hoping for someone to reply with 'wow, that's really cool' . . .”

But I wasn’t calling anyone out except myself.

Due to an unwise decision on my part, I chose to use the collective “we” pronoun throughout the entire email/piece, which, perhaps, was my subconscious mind kinda deflecting the accusations that my conscious mind was making against itself. Those accusations were that I was using social media to farm validation through the constant posting of my own stuff, all hoping that people would like, share, and comment things like “wow, you’re amazing and smart and introspective,” and so on and so forth. And that, really, the whole thing is a cautionary tale on why you should be careful about which pronouns you use in an article or essay or whatever.

The fact of the matter—the bit that was left out of the original email/piece (and why I’m taking so much time to type this up to you and then post it as a follow up to the first Mognet piece)—is that I have always had an addictive personality. I have had problems with drugs, alcohol, gaming, and whatever else you can think of. Anything that makes me feel good, I can’t stop doing. So, when I wasn’t at my computer scrolling through Mastodon, I was on my phone scrolling through Mastodon. Even when I was writing my long essays and whatnot, I was compelled to check Mastodon after writing every sentence just to see if anyone had liked or commented on my stuff; in hindsight, it’s like some sort of techno-demon had invaded my mind and taken control of my right arm so that they could constantly click on the Mastodon bookmark every few minutes to power some dark hell battery. I had even turned my mobile notification volume to max to kinda be like, “I don’t need to check Mastodon all the time now because when someone interacts with me on Mastodon, I’ll now get a very loud beep from my phone.” But even then, I still manually checked Mastodon. I could not stop.

So, what changed? I’m not sure, but something clicked in my brain and, suddenly, the techno-demon was exorcized. I kept thinking of a time when I didn’t use social media, which was many times throughout my life, and most of those times I felt happy and validated without it (social media)—and I just kept thinking about that. I kept thinking that there was a time in my life in which I felt validated and happy without having to check social media every 5 minutes. I kept thinking that there was a time in my life when I could just sit there playing a video game like Final Fantasy VII and not feel compelled to take screenshots to then post on social media every 5 minutes. There was a time when I could enjoy doing things without having to tell everyone online that I was doing said things. I started thinking: “Why can’t I just enjoy stuff for stuff’s sake? Why do I have to keep telling everybody about the stuff that I am doing?” And this thought then made me think that, perhaps, I was cheapening the things I enjoyed by insisting that my enjoyment of those things be validated by people online—as if my enjoyment of those things were controlled in some way by the whims of people other than myself. I don’t know if I’m explaining this well, but the whole thing really made me feel kinda sick.

Social media is a lot like smoking cigarettes, actually. I used to smoke about a pack a day—Marlboro Lights were my brand—and every thirty minutes or so, I would interrupt what I was doing to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Say, for example, that I was playing a video game or something; every thirty minutes, on the dot, I would get up, go outside, light a cigarette, smoke it for about 7 minutes, then go back inside and start playing the game again. And when I was back inside playing the game, I would barely be enjoying the game itself because, while playing, I was thinking about smoking another cigarette in thirty minutes and counting down the minutes.

And just to hammer the point home: If I were playing a video game for 4 hours straight but took a 7-minute smoke break every 30 minutes, that’s about 56 minutes of smoking during that 4-hour period, which is really just 56 minutes I could have been playing the video game. My mind was cigarettes all the time. I stopped smoking back in 2022, so I’ve secured much of that future wasted time. But, up until just yesterday, I had spent who knows how long just doomsurfing Mastodon and/or telling people on Mastodon about what I was doing instead of actually doing the thing I was telling people I was doing—literally an unquantifiable amount of time wasted when I could have been enjoying the stuff I was actually interested in.

So, I kept asking myself—why couldn’t I just enjoy things? Why did I have to tell everyone that I was doing the things? Why couldn’t I just sit down and read a book, play a game, or watch a movie without telling everyone I was reading a book, playing a game, or watching a movie?

Is any of this making sense? I feel like I’m just typing a bunch of words, the meaning of which is being lost due to the inadequacies of the English language (or just my inability as a writer—maybe both?).

Basically, I left Mastodon for personal reasons. And my personal reasons shouldn’t be your reasons. You need your own reasons.

If any of this resonates with you—good, I’m glad we can relate to each other. But don’t feel like you have to delete Mastodon because someone was irresponsibly using “we” pronouns instead of “I” in a piece about the ills of social media.

But, for the record, I do believe that social media is a cheap way to feel validated, and I also believe that it’s a cheap way to find community, and I also believe that it’s a tar pit of sorts that enables both personal and political inaction by being a hugbox echo chamber full of people just telling each other the things they want to hear, and I also believe that its entire design is conducive to being highly addictive and thus harmful long-term, especially to “neurodivergent” people with addiction problems and/or hyperfocus tendencies and/or trouble moderating.

But these are just my beliefs (and I’m realizing now that “belief” is a weird way to frame all of this, but whatever). You do you. I’m not going to tell you that you should leave Mastodon or any other social media network. I’m not comfortable telling you that. I’m not comfortable telling you what to do at all. But, if I were—hypothetically—comfortable telling people what to do, I would probably tell them something like this:

If you find yourself mindlessly scrolling through social media or constantly posting pictures of your favorite things or obsessively updating everyone on every little thing about your life or replying to posts with little platitudes while not actually caring all that much about the actual people behind the posts or getting angry over other people’s posts for whatever reason or comparing yourself to your followers or trying to be like some online influencer—ask yourself, WHY?

And if you don’t like the answer, do something about it.

The most important question you can ask yourself is WHY?

WHY AM I DOING THIS STUFF?

And then, when you think you know the answer, ask WHY again, and again and again and again and again.

For me, deleting my social media presence was merely one of the many conclusions I reached after asking myself WHY over and over again. And I’m not done.

Even now, I’m still asking.

Thanks,

Forrest


*sent on 11/10/2024

#autobiographical #mognet

mognet1 title card

(context: this is an email response to a reader who provided feedback on the social media commentary found in the essay “Gods Among Men and Mer or: SOTHA SIL IS DEAD.”)


Yo,

When I first saw your email—(of which I'm usually notified through my phone, but for some reason, it [your email] did not push a mobile notification, so I only found your email once I manually checked Protonmail on my PC using Firefox on a whim [which, oddly enough, was three minutes after you had sent the email itself])—titled “Morrowind, Social Media, and Long-form Writing,” I honestly expected a long critique and/or attack on my work; something like “you misunderstood the plot of the game,” or “you overuse semicolons,” or “you can't just put hyphens between random words for emphasis like that; compound nouns/adjectives don't work that way—it's confusing,” or “you could have cleaned up this and this and that, and it would have been much more concise,” etc., etc. (These fears likely stemming from some deep-rooted insecurity about my own ability as a writer.) So, as you can now imagine, when I read your email and found it to be quite pleasant, it coaxed a genuine smile out of this pale, blue-light-stained face, especially considering that no one has ever emailed me directly about my writing before. And for that, I thank you.

(Note that, on social media and through email, I usually communicate in mostly lowercase without a care for grammar/syntax, but since you took the time to write such a long and thoughtful email—nearly an essay itself, really—I figured that I'd give you the same respect.)

Obviously, I agree with nearly everything you've written, as what you wrote resonates with the message of “Gods Among Men and Mer or: SOTHA SIL IS DEAD” pretty much to a tee. So, in that respect, I don't have much to add. I will say, however, that your email has got me thinking about disconnecting from social media entirely, which, granted, is a thought that I have every week (sometimes daily), which, as you might imagine, stirs up some serious psychic shit in my head, making me feel like some sort of fraud, which, I imagine, is a common feeling most people have in this modern age, in which using the internet—which even children know is an obvious mental health disaster—is practically mandatory to survive; we are pretty much forced to use it (the internet) and even, in some cases, cajoled to use social media; be it Facebook to keep in touch with family or Discord to keep in touch with friends or Reddit to find simple answers to dumb questions because literally every Google search results in a full page of Reddit links. And, to top it all off, all these platforms are corporate as hell and vying to suck our brains out through the very tubes—(you know, the “series of tubes”)—the Internet is made from (and, recently, I wrote about this at length in an essay titled “CORPORATE DRAGON SLAYER or: Writing is Punk Rock”).

The Internet-being-co-opted-by-corporate-entities bit is important, and it's the reason I have chosen to mostly use defederated platforms for all internet stuff, including Mastodon in lieu of Twitter/Bluesky and Lemmy in lieu of Reddit, although I find myself—for whatever reason—sometimes using the corporate versions here and there; Reddit mostly, just to spread my work to a wider audience—not for profit, as that's not really my intent (my intent being kinda nebulous and weird, but it's something I have written about—also, at length—in various essays here and there). But, recently, I've come to the shaky conclusion that while the Corporate Thing is important in regards to feedback loops, echo chambers, misinformation campaigns, and endless cycles of self-gratification, it's not the driving factor: the driving factor is the underlying thing behind it, and the underlying thing behind it is PEOPLE.

People were not meant to communicate this way (i.e., social media).

Social media does something to our fragile validation-craving psyches. We cannot get enough of social media, and once we get a taste of the validation that social media can provide, we bend and morph ourselves into whatever form is necessary to continue receiving that validation—and, many times, this morphing effect happens with the very first thing that provides significant validation; for example, some right-winger could like your post, resonate with the message (even if it was an unintended resonance), and suddenly, you are catering all your future output to the right-wing crowd because it provides the most immediate dopamine; and, before you know it, you are smack-dab in the middle of a KKK meeting discussing how to whiten-up the neighborhood (or something—you get the point; and yes, I know this can happen in real, bona fide communities as well, but it's far easier to stumble into online). It's almost as if social media itself is designed to be as addictive as possible—and in this way, if I'm being empathetic (which I try to be, always), I can't be angry at the people who fall for it. It seems to me that simply being on social media does something to one's personality, morphs it into some twisted version of itself, the version that maximizes validation. And I'm not above this Kafkaesque metamorphosis; I find myself sometimes editing my own thoughts and, in worst cases, my own writing, because I think someone in my primary audience—(Mastodon, which I'm about to get into in very specific detail)—might take something the wrong way and get upset; and, in this way, I am censoring myself, and that feels incredibly gross in hindsight.

I bring this up because I am very active on the social media platform Mastodon—(and, before I go on, I want to say that I've met a lot of great people there; in fact, about 80% of the people who read my stuff only do so because they found it on Mastodon [many of whom only reply with stuff like “this is great” or “loved this,” which makes me wonder if they even bothered to read the work, but, really, what I'm trying to say is: I'm very grateful for the platform in many ways])—but the platform itself is a huge echo chamber of back-patting and virtue signaling for literally every left-wing cause (which, itself, isn't a bad thing), but, because the environment itself is insular, nothing productive in terms of real political influence gets accomplished; people think that they can just tell each other to vote for Democrats or support trans rights or fight fascism or whatever, but these people are not the ones who need to hear this stuff because they are all already doing the very things they are telling each other to do, i.e., an echo chamber, a recursive loop: an ouroboros of feel-good validation with the ultimate purpose being self-gratification above all else—this feeling of, “look, Mom! I'm telling people to do the Good Things™, aren't I such a good person with good virtues? Please tell me I'm a good person!” while nothing is actually getting done; the whole thing is self-serving and vain. And I'm not saying that we always need to be accomplishing something, either. I don't really have the answer to all this stuff. What I am trying to say, however, is that these places are indeed echo chambers brought about by the human need for validation, and, while being defederated (and, thus, not corporate) is a good thing, it doesn't remove the human need for self-validation that inspires all of the following: fake feel-good shit, posting pictures of video games and/or toys one bought hoping for someone to reply with “wow, that's really cool,” scolding and shaming anyone who even barely questions the platform's fickle zeitgeist, those weird accounts that post one-liners that get a metric shit ton of likes yet seem very much like bots indeed (think @dril), &c. &c. There is something wrong with the whole thing. We, being people like myself who can't seem to stop posting about ourselves on social media, are looking for validation from other “quote-unquote” people online—and I use “quote-unquote” because these are not real, in-the-flesh interactions, but, instead, interactions with profile pictures that may or may not represent who the actual person is behind the screen, so they could, for all we know, be figments of our imagination or bots; I don't actually believe the aforementioned claim there literally, but what I'm trying to say is that the interactions are “cheap” in some way, and I don't think I need to explain that further; it just kinda feels intuitively true for anyone using social media, I would argue—but we will never find true validation from hazy misrepresentations of supposedly real people online; we can only find true validation from within and from the fleshy people around us (i.e., true friends & family). We fool ourselves into thinking that thousands of likes on a picture of our mint-condition copy of Final Fantasy IX for the PlayStation will bring us true happiness (or whatever), but, of course, it never will.

Humans need community, real community—and social media is a false community. Our mental health declines because, for some reason, we continue to believe that social media can replace actual fleshy people, when it obviously can't. We fall deeper into despair then use the very thing causing our despair to try to climb our way out of said despair, thus just falling even deeper into despair.

So, in my long-winded way—(“Interesting points, but kinda long-winded,” as some random Reddit user said about “Destination Ivalice” [lol])—your email has kinda inspired me to maybe, just maybe, remove myself from Mastodon to reclaim the part of my brain that has been overwritten by the Validation Protocol.

Perhaps my soul depends on it.

Thanks,

Forrest


*sent on 11/9/2024

#autobiographical #mognet

destination ivalice titlecard

Part 1 | Part 2


Prologue

When I was a real young kid, I watched my neighbor shoot my cat with a rifle; I watched her eyes go dark and felt the warmth of her blood on my hands. On that day, I looked deep into the eyes of death—the hard-coded reality of it all—and it pained me terribly. Now, I only look when I really really have to, and even then, I shield my eyes, peering through the thin gaps of my figurative fingers, playing peek-a-boo with the quote-unquote real world.

The thesis of this essay is that everyone does this—not just me, but you, too. And you’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

This one is for Corbel and all the other cats out there who just want to explore the world unfettered by the fear of death.

I. Mewt & Me & Final Fantasy

Mewt Randell is a twelve-year-old kid from the role-playing game Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, released in 2003 by Square Co., Ltd. for the Game Boy Advance. Mewt’s had a rough life; shortly before the events of the game, his mother became sick and died; Cid Randell, Mewt’s father, devastated by the loss of his wife, spiraled into a deadbeat stupor to the point where he was unable to properly care for his son; and all of this left Mewt emotionally orphaned, forced to cope with the grief of losing his mother alone, and this reality pained him terribly. So, being a smart kid with an incredible imagination, Mewt retreated into fantasy worlds, becoming shy and awkward, nearly mute and unable to make meaningful connections with his schoolmates. And when Mewt was not at school getting bullied by the other kids, he was sitting in front of a screen playing video games; his favorite video game series was Final Fantasy.

My favorite video game series is Final Fantasy, too.

It’s important for you to know that I’m typing this essay from an office shed in my backyard that is not dissimilar to a cave containing two PCs, each with three monitors (three for work, the other three for stuff I actually enjoy—like writing longform essays such as the one you’re starting to read right now), a 14-inch late-90s CRT television (for maximum nostalgia when playing quote-unquote retro games), and a flat-panel TV (for DVDs and newer games, although I rarely play anything released after The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess [as I seem to have an irrational dislike of all media released after 2006—or so some of my friends have said]). And If you think that’s a lot of screens, it is—and sometimes all these screens are flashing all at once because, well, why the hell not? And slightly behind the screens, to the left, on the other side of this 12' x 15' room, there’s a bookshelf standing six shelves high containing several novels by Isaac Asimov, Ursula K. Le Guin, William Gibson (three different editions of Neuromancer, for some reason), and Samuel R. Delany; there’s also a fat Lord of the Rings tome, the full bibliography of Philip K. Dick, Slaughterhouse-Five, or, The Children's Crusade: A Duty-Dance with Death, most of the Dune series, Gravity’s Rainbow (haven’t actually read much of this one, although I considered pretending that I did), Infinite Jest, A Clockwork Orange, The Pale King (reading this now, nearly halfway complete, with marks), The Catcher in the Rye, a copy of both Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet each with original Shakespearean text and modern-day English translation (part of the No Fear Shakespeare series), my dad’s 1970s copy of 1984, The Little Prince lost somewhere in there (thin book), Girl with Curious Hair (also haven’t read this one), &c.; some manga including the full Magic Knight Rayearth series and Death Note and X/1999; some graphic novels like the entire Sandman series (written by he who must not be named), some Frank Miller (Ronin, his Batman stuff [which I don't like]), the very obligatory V for Vendetta and Watchmen tomes (of course), and I even have a copy of the New American Bible: St. Joseph Edition, which includes full maps of Jerusalem (and other Bible-relevant locations) drawn in what can only be described as Middle-earth-like illustration. It’s important to note that while the bookshelf itself is so densely packed that removing even one book requires a fair amount of wiggling and some force, there is not a single nonfiction book to be found up there—not a single one; nothing that can be tied back to reality. (I’m not bragging or trying to flaunt some superior taste in literature here—this stuff is pretty basic nowadays, anyway; these are just the facts, these are just things that I happen to have due to the weird causal quirks of how my life played out.) And near the bookshelf, up and to the right, mounted to the wood-paneled wall, is a transparent acrylic case housing six model robots that I built myself, all bent into unique and very cool action poses, and two additional robots atop the case itself, also posed cool, all meticulously panel-lined with black ink to give them that special “pop” which is especially important since these robots are immediately visible upon entering the room. Below the robot case is a thin wooden tower with six shelves containing neatly rowed video game boxes in alphabetical order, starting with the entire Castlevania DS series, then Chrono Trigger DS, then the full DS Dragon Quest mainline canon (which totals close to $569.90—eBay math, as of 10/15/2024 [again, not bragging: just facts]), followed by Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Echoes of Time, Final Fantasy III, Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift, Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor, Strange Journey, SimCity DS, Animal Crossing: Wild World, Hoshigami Remix, Advance Wars: Days of Ruin, every Pokemon title for the DS (this collection is worth something like a whole grand or more [which is solely driven by Nintendo’s forced product scarcity and near-complete lack of backward compatibility between console generations, which they exploit to sell straight digital-online ROM rips of these classic games on their current-generation platforms]), The Dark Spire—(at this point, you probably noticed that the titles are no longer in alphabetical order, and this is because the tower fell over months before writing this and, at the time, I was too busy to put the games back in order, and now the urge to order them has faded entirely and I just don’t care anymore)—Mega Man ZX, WarioWare D.I.Y., Phantasy Star Zero, Lunar Knights, SNK vs. Capcom: Card Fighters DS, Star Fox Command, Hotel Dusk: Room 215, a puzzle game just called Exit for some reason, Kirby: Squeak Squad, Lego Harry Potter: Years 1–4 (which is not actually mine—an ex-girlfriend’s [although possession is nine-tenths of the law, as they say, so it is basically “mine”]). Below the DS shelf sit various boxed PC games, including Spore: Galactic Edition, World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade—(again: not bragging; these are just facts; things that exist in my general vicinity)—Diablo II, Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, Final Fantasy XI: The Vana’diel Collection 2008, Final Fantasy XI: Treasures of Aht Urhgan (the cover art is a full spread of one of Yoshitaka Amano’s most stunning urban landscape scenes: a city of onion-domed palaces swirling in blue haze bordered by warm flowers—this is one of my most treasured pieces of paperboard, as it was gifted to me by my mother back in 2006), Neverwinter Nights Diamond Edition, and The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. (Note: not bragging.)

And below those PC games sit several 3DS titles, more numerous than even my DS collection, though I will spare you the details on that one, as I’m sure you’re mentally exhausted by now, and frankly, I’m tired of typing out all these titles and am not looking forward to having to italicize each one of them with markdown or whatever method is required on the platform where this essay ends up being posted. And again—and this is very important—this is neither a brag nor a boast, these are just facts; these are my seminal games and my formative books: the stuff I spent so much time with that they are now pretty much an extension of myself; these are the treasures of my youth, ancient relics of a time I wish I could return to: my fantasy; my escape. Playing any of the aforementioned games sends me to another world—an Ivalice, of sorts—even so much as seeing the boxes elicits an involuntarily nostalgic trance with blank gaze and drool and the rest of the associated things; much like a Pavlovian response; likewise with the books, reading their words fill me with inspiration and calm, as if nothing else matters in the world, like I’m in my own private Ivalice.

And actually, there are a few more items that I think are especially important (I know I said I would stop, but there are only a few more, I promise): on the bottom shelf sit four video game soundtracks, all in their original fat jewel CD cases (all gifts from an old high school girlfriend): Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy IX, Chrono Cross, and SaGa Frontier II (my favorite of them all); and, in a tall black wooden cabinet to the right of them, all four of these games exist—in near mint-condition packaging—alongside a number of other seminal PlayStation games that I spent many summers playing.

Again, I am not bragging, these are just the facts. (It occurs to me that the more I insist that I’m not bragging, the more you might think I am, in fact, bragging—but again, I am not bragging. And to convince readers of a certain personality type who may still think I’m bragging [despite the many disclaimers]: Fine, you’re right—I’m bragging, but by admitting to bragging, I am showing that I am self-aware enough to critically analyze the fact that I am bragging, thereby negating the bragging somewhat.) And even now, if you’re still convinced I’m bragging, well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take because this stuff is very important. You, the reader, need to know these things. It’s important for you to know all this stuff about me—the whole essay kinda hinges on it; it’s important for you to know that I live ten minutes away from the Atlantic Ocean, and that when I look out across the endless blue, I barely hear the waves over “Fisherman’s Horizon”; it’s important for you to know that when I go on bike rides, I hear “Hunter’s Chance” instead of the harsh air whipping against my face; it’s important for you to know that when I sit down to write essays like the one you’re reading right now, I put on “Guldove: Another World” and imagine I’m in another world myself; and it’s especially important for you to know that, when my newborn son was having trouble sleeping during his first few nights in this cold, dark world, I put on Rhapsody on a Theme of SaGa Frontier II and just let the album play all the way through, and that boy fell right asleep.

It’s important for you to know that I live in a fantasy world—like I was saying, the whole essay kinda hinges on it.

This is just a small glimpse of my Final Fantasy.

II. Contextualizing Ivalice

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance opens to a schoolyard snowball fight which sets the stage for one of computer-gamedom’s most near-perfect tutorials—a microcosm of the entire game, really, explaining not only gameplay mechanics but also introducing the values, flaws, and motivations of the main characters, all while laying the groundwork for a simple yet engrossing drama that “really makes you think,” as they say.

(I’m going to use the rest of this chapter to cover the game’s characters, plot, and mechanics at a very high level. Feel free to skip along to Chapter 3 [especially if you’ve already played and beaten the game], keeping in mind that some of the later points in this essay hinge on knowing what I’m about to cover to some extent, so it’s not just me writing for the sake of it—though there is some of that. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make it as fun as possible so you don’t drift off.)

The scene fades in. The tutorial begins. The screen pans down to a scene that could be confused with our own world if not for the two-dimensional sprites that cause Ryoma Itoh’s deceptively cheerful cartoon aesthetic to leap from the pages of his artbook straight into the liquid-crystal display that’s blasting the player’s face with an epiphany of 16-bit color; the whole vibrant pixel presensation, combined with Hitoshi Sakimoto’s full-MIDI orchestrations, themselves all fuzzed up due to the Game Boy Advance’s limited 8-bit digital audio output, really brings the world of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance to life in a way that words can’t quite do justice: a red-brick schoolhouse with a green roof, a recess field blanketed in white, a shovel impaled in a mound of snow, a snowman with a green bucket for a hat, and some snow-packed walls for hiding; all indications point to this being a well-played field that has seen not only much adolescent action but also the adolescent angst that comes along with that, and the perpetrators of this angst are eight children standing wrapped in several layers of clothing; many of them nondescript, but a few stand out: Mewt, a boy with light-brown curls wearing earthy greens, is being picked on by a nondescript young kid: “Hey, Mewt. Where’s your little bear today?” A second anon chimes in, “He’s not going to say anything! He’s like a little girl!” And Mewt is just kinda standing there shoegazing, saying nothing, lost in dreams of Final Fantasy—(which is a series of video games in the world of this video game that you, the player, are actually playing, which is the first [and perhaps only] time Final Fantasy has been so self-referential [i.e., the game you are playing in the flesh exists within the game you are playing and the characters within that game are playing the same game you are playing within the game being played, &c. &c.], making Tactics Advance the most meta game in the Final Fantasy series, a point that will continue to be important throughout this essay)—and that’s when a firebrand of sorts named Ritz, a girl with hair as red as cartoon lava, steps forth to defend the shoegazer—“Hey! That’s gender discrimination! I know some ‘little girls’ who can kick your butt!”—before turning to the thus-far quiet blonde boy, inferred to be a friend of the shoegazer but just kinda standing there as if watching a car crash but not calling for any help whatsoever, and telling him, “You should speak up! Tell them your name, at least. You can’t be the ‘new kid’ forever!” And this prompts the player to input a name for the car-crash observer, whose official name is Marche, but the player can name him anything they want as long as it's within the ten-character limit. (And this is the most control the player has over Marche outside of simply doing the game-type things the developers intended the player to do, and since this is the only real so-called choice in the game [and, typically, the only choice in most JRPGs developed pre-2010], this means that naming Marche “ASS” or something equally immature is a perfectly valid form of play-how-you-want video game anti-determinism, as this is the only way to subtly alter the subtext of the game’s narrative, which one might want to do for reasons outlined later in this essay.) After the naming ritual, Mewt turns to Marche and meekly apologizes for getting him mixed up in all this schoolyard drama, but Marche replies, “You don’t have to apologize, Mewt. You haven’t done anything wrong.” And just like that, in a single less-than-two-minute scene, we understand the essence of the main characters: Mewt, the reserved shoegazer, lost in his own world; Ritz, the punky firebrand burning with contempt for societal norms, champion for the oppressed; and Marche, the opinionated bystander with a strong sense of right and wrong, willing to express his opinion but unwilling to back it up with action.

Shortly after the drama, the schoolyard is revealed to have been an isometric grid all along, and the snowball fight begins. The player is prompted to move Marche to a square on the field, much like a game of chess, thus tutorialing the act of movement; then, the player is prompted to throw a snowball at another character (called a “unit” in classic tactical role-playing game vernacular), teaching the methods of attack and the importance of positioning. After a few turns, one of the bullies throws a snowball packed with rocks at Mewt, causing the shoegazer’s head to bleed. Ritz comes forward to defend the boy, prompting one of the bullies to call her “whitey locks,” revealing that Ritz actually has white hair but dyes it red and is very self-conscious about this fact judging by her almost violent response: “Why don’t you come say that to my face?” The bullying persists, prompting a nearby teacher to halt the schoolyard game and reprimand the troublemakers, mirroring the judge mechanic introduced later in the game, in which breaking certain “battle laws” results in a fine or jail time for the offending unit. The bullies are taken away, and the snowball fight ends, leaving our main cast—Marche, Mewt, and Ritz—to their own devices.

Before they leave for the day, Mewt asks if Marche would like to come with him to the local library to pick up a book he ordered. Marche explains that he can’t, as he has to pick up his younger brother, Doned, from the hospital. Ritz asks if Doned is sick, and Marche reveals that his brother is afflicted by “something he was born with,” then invites everyone to come over to his house later so they can read Mewt’s new book together. They all agree. The screen fades out.

The vibrant colors of a child’s bedroom fade in. The main cast is huddled in the middle of the room, along with a new addition to the group, Doned, who is sitting in a wheelchair. Mewt pulls out the book he purchased earlier, a massive tome, and plops it down on the bright green carpet. Little do the kids know, the book is an ancient magical grimoire—the Gran Grimoire—and housed within its pages is a powerful wish-granter, a genie of sorts. When the book is opened, the genie’s magic is unleashed.

The genie hears the deepest wishes of all the children in the room: Mewt’s wish to see his mother again, to stop the bullies, to have a father that’s not a deadbeat alcoholic, and, most importantly, to live in the world of his favorite video game series, Final Fantasy; Ritz’s wish to live in a world free of gender discrimination, where she can be whoever or whatever she wants to be without fear of ridicule, and, most importantly, a world where she doesn't have to dye her hair red every day; Doned’s wish to not have monthly hospital visits, and, most importantly, to cast aside his wheelchair and be able to run alongside his brother on the playground; and Marche’s wish—revealed much later in the game—for attention, stemming from feeling overlooked by his parents, who focus more on his disabled brother than on him.

The Gran Grimoire delivers. That night, after all the kids are asleep, their world transforms into the fantastic world of Ivalice—a world of sword and sorcery, of magical beings of all shapes and sizes, of clear cut heroes and villains, where any illness is easily cured by the casting of a simple spell, a world in which a girl’s hair can be whatever color they want, a world in which all wishes are granted. And Mewt is prince of this new world, in charge of all the laws so that no one can bully him ever again; and his mother is alive; and his once-deadbeat father is now the highest judge in the realm. And Ritz is free to be whoever she wants; she becomes a feared but well-respected leader of a clan, and, most importantly, her hair is permanently red. And, of course, Doned can walk again.

But Marche isn’t having any of it.

“It's escapism! Can't you see? It's not healthy!” Marche says.

Marche wants to tear it all down—“It’s not real!”—and, as the game’s designated protagonist, he does tear it all down; that’s the win condition, the whole point of the game’s narrative. The details of Marche’s tearing-down of Ivalice are not so important; what is important, however, are the implications of this act: the implications of Marche putting his brother back in a wheelchair; the implications of Marche essentially killing Mewt’s mother a second time; the implications of forcing Ritz to live in a world of gender conformity and discrimination.

What I’m interested in are the personal and philosophical implications of tearing down Ivalice—the implications of facing reality instead of living in a fantasy world, or vice versa.

(Going forward, I will be referring to the original, Earth-like world as “the real world” [or some form of this] and the magical world simply as “Ivalice.” This is to avoid using clever compound adjective forms like “quote-unquote real world” or “so-called real world,” &c. It’s important to note that these verbiage choices do not reflect my opinion on which world is real and which is fantasy—this is only the same verbiage the game uses, so it’s just easier this way.)

III. Doned or: Final Fantasy Faith Fiasco

Let’s start with the most egregious implication: Marche paralyzing his brother from the waist down—again.

Marche, upon destroying Ivalice, sends his younger brother—who could run, jump, swim, and do all manner of frolicking in Ivalice—back into a wheelchair. Essentially, Marche just paralyzes Doned from the waist down—again—because his brother’s being-able-to-walk in Ivalice was “not real” and, thus, not worth preserving. (We are ignoring the elephant in the room for now—”what is real, actually?“—but don’t worry, we’ll get to that later.) According to Marche, Doned was living in a fantasy world and should, instead, just get used to being in a wheelchair for the rest of his life even if Doned doesn’t want to be in said wheelchair—which, he doesn’t, and he makes that very clear; he even spends the majority of the game sabotaging Marche’s efforts to destroy Ivalice all because he does not want to sit back down in that damn wheelchair.

“Of course you want to go back. You have a reason to! You can run around and play with your friends. But what's waiting for me? Have you thought of that? You have everything back there, and I have nothing!” — Doned

Granted, Doned is exaggerating a little bit there; and by the end of the game, Marche has convinced him to change his mind—“I'm sure you'll be able to run when we go back!” (Spoilers: this ends up not being the case)—coercing some form of consent to the whole put-me-back-in-the-wheelchair thing, but this consent is only valid if we ignore the power imbalance that arises from the big-brother-little-brother dynamic at play here, which we all know raises valid questions around said consent that we would be quick to call out in any other situation, such as if the two brothers attempted any other type of relationship later in life, if you know what I mean. (Not that I am condoning any sibling sexual relations here—I am simply bringing this up as something to consider when it comes to consent in the face of obvious power imbalances. And, if you’re unsure that there is indeed a power imbalance here, consider how any child looks up to their older sibling in both a role model and protector type way and how this idolization produces a level of fear—fear of rejection, mostly, but also that deep primal fear of “hey, they’re bigger than me and could just pound me into a pulp right now if they wanted to” type of thing—and how this overall idolization and fear might color the younger sibling’s decision-making process on any number of things. “But, author, aren’t there power imbalances in every relationship?” Well, yes, that’s true—but it’s a gradient, obviously, and this is probably something we should shelve for another essay because Final Fantasy Tactics Advance doesn’t even care about this discussion because it’s never explored in the game’s narrative—so, let’s move on.)

This is all good background information to have, but it isn’t really the point of the whole Doned-Marche thing; there’s no subtext about coercion or emotional manipulation or nuanced sibling dynamics within the narrative of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance itself. Main writers Kyoko Kitahara and Jun Akiyama—(also the “snowboard minigame planner” for Final Fantasy VII [which is a damn cool credit to have to your name])—wanted Doned’s story arc to be as simple as: a disabled child, bitter due to said disability, comes to grips with their disability and then goes on to lead a happy life. The problem here—ignoring the coercion aspect—is that Doned never really comes to grips with his condition at all; he blindly takes Marche’s word that he’ll be able to run again when he gets back to the real world. In short, Doned places his faith in both his big brother and the doctors, believing that one day they will find a cure for his illness, and this gives him the resolve to live in the real world again. He doesn't accept his condition, become one with it, learn to embrace it as something unique about himself—instead, he just sits back and puts his faith in Marche and some doctors. And, in this way, the subtext of Doned’s arc kinda falls flat—a Final Fantasy Faith Fiasco of sorts.

But what is faith, really?

Oxford’s Learner’s Dictionary—(I can’t use their big-boy dictionary without creating an account on their website, which, frankly, kinda pisses me off)—has two relevant definitions for “faith”; A) “trust that somebody/something will do what has been promised,” and B) “strong religious belief.” Now, let’s take a look at the first definition for “fantasy” in the same dictionary: “a pleasant situation that you imagine but that is unlikely to happen.” All things considered, it doesn’t take a huge leap of faith to conclude that faith and fantasy are not so different.

Doned is using Oxford definition-A faith to improve his outlook on a likely grim future stuck in a wheelchair. (Disclaimer: Use of the words “grim” and “stuck” and any henceforth words and/or phrases that seem to indicate some sort of anti-wheelchair sentiment on behalf of the author are actually being used empathetically on behalf of Doned, who does not want to be in the wheelchair—he hates the wheelchair. According to Doned, he is “stuck” in the wheelchair; hence why this chapter leans more toward anti-wheelchair sentiment than reverse. Assuming that this perceived anti-wheelchair sentiment reflects the author’s opinion on being in a wheelchair would be folly; the author [that being myself—not sure why I’m doing this in third person] does not have feelings one way or the other about being in a wheelchair. It appears to this author that being in a wheelchair kinda is what you make of it; meaning: if you don’t like being in the wheelchair, then being in the wheelchair is bad, but if you do like being in the wheelchair, for whatever reason, then it is good. [Note that the author also believes both “good” and “bad” are up to subjective interpretation, which may or may not muddy the waters even further here.] It follows that the author of this piece holds strong “life’s what you make it” sentiment and, beyond that, has no opinion on the wheelchair thing.) But, in truth, Doned has no way of knowing if he will ever get out of the wheelchair. Some might say that Doned is simply lying to himself; others might say that he’s living in a fantasy world; and, perhaps, Doned’s fantasy world is not so different from Ivalice. So, in a way, even when Marche destroys Ivalice—returning everyone back to the real world—Doned is still living in a fantasy world of faith.

But is living in a fantasy world so bad? Marche seems to think so—but I don’t.

We—i.e., you and I; i.e., human beings—have faith in all sorts of things that we don’t fully understand, and we use this faith to keep us sane, to shield us from the harsh truths of reality.

Let’s start with some Oxford definition-A faith examples, as these apply to most people. Like Doned, we have faith in doctors, even for simple procedures; we expect the doctors performing those procedures to actually know what they’re doing—yes, they have a diploma on the wall, but we also have faith that the diploma itself wasn’t simply printed from their home computer, or that the doctor didn’t cheat his way through medical school; and we assume that since the doctor is still practicing, they must be reliable on some level, as they haven’t had their license revoked or been thrown in jail for malpractice or whatever; yet most of us don’t even know how those processes work to begin with, which is yet another thing that we have faith in: the systems on the backend. We have faith in the vaccines injected into both ourselves and our children, despite not knowing the exact chemical makeup of what’s inside the syringes (and, yes, I’m aware that this is a weird, politically charged topic, and that many people don’t, in fact, have faith in these vaccines at all, but I guarantee you that all of those anti-vax people have faith in a number of other things that they don’t fully understand in the same way that they don’t fully understand the vaccines [and, importantly, this “we don’t know what’s in those damn vaccines!” justification is the most common reason cited for vaccine skepticism]; for example, these same people have no idea which chemicals are in the food they’re eating [and, to remain consistent, they would need to grow their own fruits and vegetables and raise their own livestock, then make sure that the fertilizer and food they’re using for those respective fruits/vegetables and livestock are fully understood at a chemical-composition level]; these same anti-vax people don’t know what’s in the toys they let their children chew on, or what’s actually in the cleaning products they use around the house, &c. &c.; in short, they trust a whole bunch of stuff that they don’t know the first thing about.) Moving on, we (back to you and I) have faith that our cars won’t just explode the moment we start the ignition (most of us having no knowledge of what the parts are made from or how they even work together, let alone if someone didn’t sneak a pipe bomb onto the bottom of the car while we were sleeping the night before). We have faith that, after we pay our bills, the stuff we’re paying for—electricity, water, internet, the works—will continue to work as advertised (otherwise, why would we pay?); we have faith that the money we use to pay those bills isn’t stolen or lost by the banks we keep that money in. I could keep going—but I think you get the point: we have faith in all sorts of things we don’t fully understand. Granted, we have good reason to have faith in some of these things, said reasons being a culmination of experience and feedback from friends, family, and qualified experts who have insisted that the stuff works as advertised, along with the fact that most of us have seen this stuff working for years, so we just kinda assume it’s all well and good, which has led us to have strong conviction in our faith that these things will just do what they are supposed to do. The Oxford definition-A faith point isn’t really all that profound—it’s just how it is: as humans, we operate under a certain level of faith that the stuff we use every day isn’t going to kill us; some of this faith is more backed by evidence than others. This faith keeps us trusting the perceivable world around us—stops us from going insane with endless questions of “Well, are you sure this works? Can you explain it in detail? Can I get a chemical composition chart on this? Can I have the full blueprints?” &c. &c.

Life would be very hard indeed if we didn’t have some degree of faith in the systems working all around us: healthcare systems, food regulators, utility infrastructure, waste management, law enforcement, etc. We have faith in these systems because, ultimately, we’re scared of dying, and these systems help us live longer, healthier, happier lives. And, yes, I know these systems aren’t perfect, and many need to be reformed, but it’s hard to deny their immediate benefit to overall well-being, which is why we maintain some degree of faith in them and why they continue to exist at all.

We place our faith in the backend systems as if to spit in the face of our own mortality—and, in this way, our faith is not so different from the faith of a religious zealot.

Which is a nice segue into Oxford definition-B faith; the religious faith. I’m sure I don’t need to list out every example of how this version of faith works, and that you—as a human on planet Earth—know damn well that people all over the world are worshiping all manner of gods and goddesses—the most popular (as of the writing of this essay) being those of the Abrahamic triad of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam—and that these religious people have all manner of reasons for believing in whichever god(s) they choose to believe in and that every single one of these reasons is entirely lacking in terms of real, tangible evidence. Some might say that these people are living in a fantasy world; a world in which, after they die, they are sent to some nice place that totally justifies all the suffering they experienced here on Earth, as if whatever god or gods they worship couldn’t just bypass the whole miserable process and put them straight in the good place to begin with—but for whatever reason, no, they have to tough it out here on this stopgap layer of torment before they are allowed into the heavenly kingdom. (I could go on and on about this, but I would be retreading old ground, considering that my views on this have not changed [see my essay titled “Fishing for God.”]) The point of this paragraph, however, is not to lambaste religious people—in fact, I totally understand the urge to believe in a higher power and a life after death, considering the vast suffering in the carnal animal kingdom of which we are a part of. And I know this kinda sounds condescending, like “Those dumb religious people are just making up stories to make themselves feel better!” But that’s not my intention either—although I do believe they’re making up stories, but I don’t see them as much different from any other story we tell ourselves to stave off despair. It seems to me that, as humans, we are deathly afraid of our mortality; we are deathly afraid of this life we're experiencing right now being all there is, that, after death, there’s really nothing else, and then, eventually, we are just forgotten. It seems to me that we are deathly afraid that, when Mom dies, we will truly never see her again; and, perhaps, all of us kinda instinctively know this is the case, but we don’t want to believe it; as such, religion is the ultimate panacea to these Transient Mortal Blues—and that’s OK, I think.

When it comes down to it, our default status condition as mortals is fear, and we use faith in the system and religion as a way to combat this fear. And while this faith may not be entirely evidence-based or realistic, it keeps us from drowning in despair; it keeps us from having a nervous breakdown; it keeps us motivated; and, most importantly, it keeps us alive. This faith is a fantasy, and this fantasy makes us happy; and, as long as we’re not hurting anyone, what right does Marche have to come along and tell us otherwise? Why should Marche get to trample all over the fantasies that we hold so dear?

By the time the end credits roll, Doned is back in the real world, in the hospital, still in his wheelchair. He seems happy in his newfound faith that one day he will be cured, and this makes life in the wheelchair bearable for him.

Doned has even made a new friend, and in this final scene, we see him teaching his new friend how to play Final Fantasy.

A fantasy within a fantasy.

IV. Ritz or: MEMES

“My hair is pure white. I was born that way. I had to dye it every morning … Before I learned how, my mom would do it for me … She looked like she would cry every time she took out the dye.” — Ritz

The kids at school would call Ritz Malheur “whitey-locks,” and, because of this, Ritz felt compelled to dye her hair bright red every morning. Not only that, but Ritz was interested in fantasy novels, video games, and all manner of rough, noisy activities generally associated with boyhood, and these tomboy leanings ensured endless bullying at school. However, unlike Mewt—who would retreat into himself—Ritz conformed to what she believed those around her wanted her to be; she dyed her hair red, wore dresses, and hid her boyish interests, all to fit the role society imposed upon her. She did this begrudgingly and with much angst. Ritz was like a chameleon (poorly) blending into her surroundings, only showing her true colors when alone or around people she could trust. This repression of self became a deep existential frustration that manifested as outbursts of rage directed at her fellow schoolmates. While this rage was sometimes useful—such as when it was used to protect other children, most of whom she deeply related to (Mewt being a prime example)—most of the time, it would just get her in trouble.

Little did Ritz know, she was (and still is) living in a consensus reality—a collective fantasy, a shared dream, a meme.

We are all just memes—stop laughing, it’s true.

“Girls wear dresses and read romance novels, boys wear baseball caps and play video games, &c.” is not necessarily a “meme” like Ronald McDonald driving down the highway with LOL INTERNET flashing on the screen, or ceiling cat, or those overly wholesome therefore absolutely sickening “Advice Animals,” or Pepe the Frog and his myriad racist offshoots, or Pam from the hit 2000s television show The Office looking at a picture of two very different things and saying “they’re the same picture,” or even the classic black Labrador Retriever answering the phone saying “HELLO? YES, THIS IS DOG.” (This dog meme is my personal favorite: in essence, it’s an absurdist meme—nearly postmodern, really—a precursor to actual nonsense memes like “skibidi toilet” [with Michael Bay in talks to direct the film adaptation of skibidi toilet, which may or may not just be part of the meme—who actually knows]. But, honestly, the dog-answering-the-phone meme is way deeper than modern absurdist memes, as it’s more a commentary on how we’re all animals and how—when you really get down to it—whether a dog’s answering the phone or a human, it really makes no difference: it’s all absurd all the way down; we used to write letters, send them off, wait months for a reply; and even that was weird; now we’re just picking up the phone, yelling at each other; talk is cheap; humans are tethered to their phone cords; no better than the charge of their phone’s battery; and the cord itself is tied in a hangman’s knot; it’s totally weird, it’s all gone way too far, sucking out our humanity through the earpiece, polluting our thoughts, and so on and so forth [at least, that’s what the dog meme makes me think about].) Back to the point, the shared-dream meme is not like those aforementioned internet memes—well, actually, now that I’m thinking about it real hard, they are exactly the same: both are cultural quirks transmitted through time and space, an infection of sorts, except the infection isn’t caused by microbes; it’s caused by ideas. And, importantly, while these memes may seem very concrete and hard-coded into reality, they are actually totally malleable. Just like “skibidi toilet”—“girls wear dresses, boys wear baseball caps, &c.” is not a real thing; it’s not floating around in the ether waiting for someone to pick it out of a primordial meme soup; instead, it’s just a stupid idea that caught on and persisted for decades because it provided some utility—or, in the case of “skibidi toilet” or whatever, it provided laughs. And if you’re not buying this whole meme thing yet, look no further than different cultures and their wildly different treatment of males versus females compared to any other culture—no two cultures are the same in their treatment of these memes, and while this difference in memes between cultures may be preferable to everything becoming homogenized, it also goes to show that these meme boxes are constructed from paper-thin walls that are easily destroyed and just as easily replaced with some other arbitrary thing that happens to catch on. The gendered concepts of “man” and “woman,” for example; this idea that men have short hair, kick balls around, play violent video games, never cry, watch shonen anime, wrestle, provide for the household, and so on and so forth; and likewise with women being associated with dresses, dolls, shojo anime, caretaking, farming simulators, wearing long nails and makeup, and all the other stereotypes that both you and I are very aware of; all of these memed-up standards are arbitrary and based on ancient superficial observations. Taking this anti-meme theory to its logical conclusion, even the very idea of a “man” being a human with a penis and facial hair and whatnots, or a “woman” being a person with a high-pitched voice capable of giving birth or whatever, is highly memed-up, as these gendered standards have been shaped by centuries of societal norms and observational interpretations; and while these observations may be based on physically tangible characteristics, the post-hoc categorization of them into little boxes with words is not; and all of this has evolved over time—this very evolution undermining the groundwork upon which these memes are built, as it illustrates that the memes are always changing in subtle ways. Another big problem with the memes is that things become very hazy when all the conditions to satisfy a certain meme are not met; take, for example, a quote-unquote woman, if one meme condition is missing—i.e., a woman who’s infertile, missing breasts, has more testosterone than estrogen, &c. &c.—is that woman suddenly no longer a woman? Are they some other meme entirely? Or is that person some kind of agender monster? Nay, the truth is that we’re all agender monsters because gender is a fantasy—a box we use to categorize certain people so that, ideally, we can make predictions about their behavior and act on those predictions accordingly; things get even more hazy when we consider technological advancements that essentially let someone fit any meme they want, provided they have the means to do so. It follows that many of our memes—especially our gendered memes—are outdated and, thus, society's insistence that they be maintained to the letter now does more harm than good.

Unfortunately, even if the memes themselves are not tangible, the actions people take based on these stupid memes are very real indeed—racial violence, gender discrimination, class-based oppression, &c.—but the ideas themselves are just ideas and malleable as such. Yet these memes influence us every day in very harmful ways. In fact, the whole thesis of this chapter is that these memes (especially gendered memes) are incredibly harmful and stupid and archaic and a bunch of other bad adjectives—and Ritz can easily testify to that.

Ritz, through no fault of her own, didn’t fit these gendered memes. She grew up in a society where girls were expected to dance and cheer, not play video games or kick balls around; a society where girls were expected to be timid and sweet, not independent and outspoken. She was bullied incessantly for not fitting the stereotypes of a quote-unquote girl—including having white hair, which was seen as a freakish deformity (another offshoot of cultural meme theory)—and, as such, repressed her true self and even dyed her hair to conform to the girl meme that society forced upon her. The problem didn’t lie with Ritz, however—it lay with society as a whole, which, through decades of meme cultivation, imposed a rigid social structure mostly based on immutable characteristics, ultimately otherizing her into submission.

What happened to Ritz was a grave injustice, and an unnecessary one at that; and this isn’t just happening to Ritz—it’s happening to people everywhere, every day, all the time. People are repressing their true selves over this. People are sick over this.

One could make the counterargument that these gender memes exist to better society in some way—but, honestly, in trying to steelman this position, I could not think of one thing. It seems to me that these cultural meme labels now only serve to confuse people into thinking there’s something wrong with them when they don’t check all the arbitrary meme-label checkboxes, leading to a lifetime of deep confusion and, ultimately, despair over the idea that they don’t fit a societally constructed label they’re told they should fit, which leads many to double-down on trying to conform to these meme labels to prevent ridicule and/or otherization, which only goes to strengthen the meme itself, thus perpetuating an endless meme cycle of confusion and despair—an ouroboros made entirely of pointless memes. Nearly every cultural meme label we give ourselves only seems to make it easier for someone else to decide who to hate and who to tolerate, and this applies across the board.

So, yeah, when Mewt opened that grimoire and Ivalice—a world in which Ritz’s hair was permanently red and the only meme that mattered was which job class one picked before kicking monster ass—became the new reality, you better believe Ritz didn’t want to go back to the real world where she couldn’t be her true self without the local kids pelting her with rock-filled snowballs because she didn’t fit into the little meme box that was imposed upon her by the bullies, who themselves had memes imposed upon them by their own parents, who (i.e., the parents of the bullies) also had memes imposed on them by their parents, who (the parents of the parents of the bullies) had memes imposed by their parents—which is now four generations of imposed memes—and so on and so forth; all without any of them truly realizing what was happening; which leaves one to conclude that, truly, these cultural memes do a real psychic number on us all. Even now, I—(yes, hello, it’s the author speaking directly to you from the em-dash-parenthetical statement of which I invented myself and that you have seen a few times now and probably thought “what is this person smoking, exactly? And how do I get some?” [essentially the em-dash-parenthetical is an aside-aside that kinda grammatically mirrors how my hyperactive mind works, but it’s also a middle finger to the whole system of Standard Written English and the snooty literati who unimaginatively back it without question])—take my earring out when going to see my great maternal grandmother because she just gets very uncomfortable and weird when so-called men wear earrings around her, which is an old cultural meme that has stuck with her since the 40s—(she’s, like, 102 now; so she would have been in her 20s in the 1940s, and, obviously—as of writing this—she’s still kicking, although she can’t remember much anymore, but she does get outside twice a day between her daytime soaps and plays bingo three nights a week, so, all things considered, she’s doing quite well for herself [but I do need to visit her more])—and, you know what, that’s OK; ancient cultural memes are hard to kill; in fact, you just kinda have to wait them out sometimes. (Not that I am “waiting out” my own great grandmother or anything—I wish only the best for her; however, her memes are stupid as hell.)

The point is: Ritz doesn’t want to go back to the real world. And throughout Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, she rages small battles against Marche’s clan, often competing for the same bounty marks, and while she’s not actively trying to thwart Marche at every turn—like Doned is—she does make it clear that she does not ever want to go back to the real world. But, as you know from reading this far, she doesn’t really have a choice in the matter and has to go back regardless, due to Marche making that decision for her.

The thing about Ritz, however, is that her time in Ivalice changes her. Through a partnership with an Ivalician local, Shara—a white-haired bunny person (the meme label here being “Viera” [race itself being just another meme])—who pushes Ritz to see things differently; Ritz goes through a series of introspective changes, essentially becoming aware of the cultural gendered memes that had been oppressing her back in the real world; and by the time Ivalice is destroyed, she has come to grips with her personal identity; she quits pretending to be the girl that everyone wants her to be, and she even quits dyeing her hair—wearing her white hair proudly at school the next day. By the end of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Ritz doesn’t care about the memes anymore.

“You'll be fine, Ritz. You're tough. I should know. And if you laugh, your mother will not be sad. I think it was you being sad that made her sad.” — Shara

There’s no doubt that Ritz likely faced some bullying for her newfound anti-meme ways upon returning to the real world, but, much like Ritz's mom, who would cry each time they washed out the red dye from Ritz’s snow-white hair, the tears weren't caused by the hair but rather how Ritz reacted to the whole hair meme itself. It was an empathetic exchange between mother and daughter. Ritz had adopted the meme that white hair on young girls was as abnormal as her quote-unquote tomboyish ways, and these memes internalized into a repressive sorrow that made her mother cry and made the bullies target her—since we all know that bullies feed on the charged feedback they receive from their victims. But once Ritz stopped caring about the memes, those around her stopped caring as well—the memes ceased to have any power over her.

In a way, Ritz was living in a shared dream, a fantasy world of memes created by those around her, a fantasy world of which she was feeding into by conforming, thus perpetuating a feedback loop of confusion and despair, and this fantasy world was destroying her psyche. So, instead of living in the collective’s fantasy world, she decided to create her own fantasy that didn’t conform to the gendered memes perpetuated by those around her.

At least, that’s what I took from the whole thing.

Ritz’s ending—specifically the implications of her growth—is one of the more poignant character endings of the game, revealing that, while cultural memes do impact us directly in many ways, we might be giving them too much power over ourselves, and this fear of ridicule over not satisfying every little condition for a particular cultural meme may be causing us to repress our true selves.

But forget about Ritz for a moment. I think what I’m ultimately trying to get at is that you and I are much more than socially constructed memes—we are fleshy, real people, and these memes are fucking with our heads, big time.

I don’t think I’m naive, and I know everyone who’s actually naive says they don’t think they’re naive—but what I mean is that I’m under no illusion that this essay will somehow abolish social memes such as gender, race, borders, religion, breakfast, money, &c. In fact, I’m under no illusion that we, as a species (another meme), will ever get over these stupid memes at all. And I’m not even saying that we should abandon these memes entirely; however, I am saying that I would like for others to consider that these memes are indeed socially constructed, and that we place way too much importance on them, and that this importance we place upon them causes great harm to those around us; therefore, we ought not to take these memes so seriously, lest our intention is to perpetuate harm (which I would hope it’s not). Let the so-called boys wear dresses; let the quote-unquote girls have facial hair; and let anyone identify as whatever they want to identify as, because, at the end of the day, who is actually being harmed? We have been so collectively mind-fucked by these memes that we are literally basing entire democratic elections on where people are allowed to go to the bathroom—it’s embarrassing. Perhaps, one day, when we realize that we’re all living beings instead of a collection of arbitrary traits packaged into some dumb meme box, we’ll stop shaming others for not fitting into these dumb meme boxes. Perhaps, one day, we’ll stop killing each other en masse for looking and/or thinking differently from one another, and thus, we can explore the world unfettered by the fear of death.

I am reminded of Corbel.

We all share one life: a life beyond gender, race, and even species—and that’s a meme I will back with my entire being.

To get back on topic, yes, it’s true that Marche forced Ritz out of Mewt’s Ivalice—but by the end of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Ritz didn’t need Mewt’s version of Ivalice because she had created her own Ivalice without all the stupid memes.

Ritz overcame the memes—why can’t everyone else?


Part 2


#ComputerGames #Ethics #Autobiographical #FinalFantasyTacticsAdvance

destination ivalice titlecard 2

Part 1 | Part 2


V. Re: Mewt & Me & Final Fantasy

I just realized that I had forgotten to mention the full contents of that tall black wooden cabinet to the right of my video game soundtracks that we had briefly covered back in ch. 1. (I feel that I must reiterate that the following list of games is not some sort of materialistic brag—I swear, there is a point to this whole thing that relates to the main theme of the essay; if you think this is some sort of masturbatory indulgence to convince you—the reader—that I am some sort of epic old-guard gamer, you would be wrong [seriously, that’s not what’s happening here]). There’s actually a lot of grade-A nostalgic childhood stuff that I feel you should know about in that cabinet. The cabinet itself is about 6 ft tall, separated into a top and bottom section as if a master swordsman had cut a perfect horizontal slice right through the middle of a trunk of wood without sundering it and then meticulously hollowed the inside into spacious squares with a small hand axe and then painted it all pitch. Each section is accessible through a panel that opens via an arched handle screwed in from the inside of the panel itself, and both top and bottom sections are divided into three subsections (or shelves); starting from the bottom-most shelf, a variety of Sega Genesis games that have all been touched by these same typing hands, just much younger, all obtained from my eighth to twelfth year on this planet: Ecco the Dolphin, Gunstar Heroes, Elemental Master, Phantasy Star 1 through 4, Street Fighter 2, Vectorman 2, Sonic 1 through 3 and Knuckles, Gaiares, Strider, and last but certainly not least, Altered Beast. (The Sega Genesis I played these games on has sadly been lost to time, although I still have the cords and controllers for it somewhere in my attic). On the shelf above the Sega shelf sits my collection of PlayStation games, all of which were obtained from around my thirteenth to sixteenth year on this planet (as you can tell, these shelves kinda materialistically trace my growing-up): Final Fantasy Anthology, Final Fantasy Chronicles (missing the Chrono Trigger disc, unfortunately [but—if you’ve been paying attention—I have a copy of this game on DS, so no big deal]), Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII (already mentioned, worth mentioning again just so you don’t forget), Final Fantasy IX (refer to the previous parenthetical), Chrono Cross (refer to previous parenthetical), Dragon Quest VII—(these are, as you can probably tell, not in any sort of logical order whatsoever)—Tales of Destiny 1 and 2, Chrono Cross (I have two copies for some reason), Grandia (never beaten this one), Breath of Fire III and IV, SaGa Frontier II (love this game, but also mentioned before), Ehrgeiz: God Bless the Ring (any self-proclaimed Final Fantasy VII fanatic should know about this one), and Phantasy Star Online. (Yes, I know that last one is a Dreamcast game, but it’s here in the cabinet regardless; it’s actually the only Dreamcast game I still have, as my old Dreamcast [& games] were lost in a move years ago.) And above the PlayStation shelf is a collection of old strategy guides that were obtained haphazardly throughout my youth: Dragon Quest VI: Realms of Revelation (this guide is thick, nearly 400 pages long, and somehow in near-mint condition), Phantasy Star Zero, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (also an incredibly thick guide [it came with a poster that has since been ripped out; teenage me not understanding that hanging posters on walls is a very temporary thing, more ephemeral than the guides themselves, considering that people move and things change and whatnot]), The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (much thinner than the aforementioned Zelda guide [and I actually got this one in my early-early twenties]), Metal Gear Solid 3 (and a separate art book that came with it [some pages are missing from this one, used as wall art for my old room at my mom’s old old house that she no longer lives in [foreclosed by the bank after she filed for Chapter 11—which is a whole other thing that we’re not going to get into here; but does go to show that those precious walls you put stuff all over are not permanent by any means]), and SaGa Frontier II (which was gifted to me by a friend of a friend who worked at Babbage’s [now GameStop] who, when I must have been twelve or so, came by with this huge box of strategy guides he was trying to get rid of [for whatever reason, I don’t know] and told me to pick two; I picked SaGa Frontier II and Valkyrie Profile [the latter of which has been lost to time] due to being impressed by the cover art alone—this was really my first time seeing non-Westernized video game artwork in close detail, thus kinda kicking off my whole obsession with Japanese role-playing games and anime). The top part of the cabinet is less interesting, containing miscellaneous stuff like headphones, sunglasses, air duster, and other tools and accessories that I use day to day; however, there is one interesting thing, a black cloth bag containing a handful of Game Boy Color and Game Boy Advance games, including but not limited to: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance (the very game this essay is supposedly about).

I must admit that, growing up, I would take Adderall (which was prescribed to me from the ages of 10 to 20 by a legitimate medical doctor [nothing illegal here]) and veg out in front of a television set drinking Diet Cherry Cola while eating saltines and playing all these aforementioned video games for over 15 hours a day (provided I didn't have to go to school, but if I did have to go to school then I would get home around 3 p.m. or so and play said video games until around 2 a.m. [sometimes even later—many all-nighters were had—considering I would often double up on Adderall, which wires you to the point of not being able to fall asleep if not also taking some other sleeping medication with it, which is actually a dangerous yin-yang upper-downer stimulant-depressant chemical combination that would not be advised by any medical doctor worth their amphetamine salts]). At this point you may be asking something like, “Where were your parents during all of this?” And my response to that would be that my parents were divorced, and I lived with my mother who, despite loving me very much to the point of absolute spoildom, did not helicopter me at all, not even one bit, to the point where I had near absolute freedom, which—as one might imagine—led me to neglect schoolwork completely in favor of playing video games (and other various downstream negative stuff that we won’t get into here, for the sake of time).

As to why I was so deep into video games: I can only speculate. Maybe it was an escape from the tedium of school, which I found incredibly unchallenging, or perhaps I was attempting to outrun the ambient sorrow and pervasive loneliness that was always kinda there in the background ever since my parents divorced—who actually knows. Maybe I was scared; maybe life was too intimidating for me; maybe I recognized the rat race of it all from a young age; maybe I had to block it out; maybe I was trying to forget about the inevitable; maybe I wanted to forget about Corbel; or maybe I was just lazy; I don’t know. What I do know, however, is that I was obsessed with video games, and Final Fantasy was my favorite video game series—just like Mewt—and I would lose myself in those games, every day, from sunrise to sunset; even in school I would be drawing pictures of Final Fantasy characters, writing fanfiction about Final Fantasy characters, reading Final Fantasy strategy guides that I had smuggled in from home, &c. &c. I can’t tell you exactly why I was so obsessed. I was running from something, though. I was filling a void with Final Fantasy. I loved Final Fantasy more than life itself.

I loved Final Fantasy about as much as Mewt did—still do, really. Our destinations were always Ivalice. Losing ourselves in fantasy worlds was the goal, whether we were consciously aware of it or not.

In many ways, I was just like Mewt: totally lost in a fantasy world, to the point where I was not thinking about anything else at all. We both used fantasy to fill the void in our souls. We did so without a single care for our own mental health or for the people around us; in fact, we sucked everyone else in, too—forced them into our little misery nexus.

For me, it was my parents who, after a while, became extremely concerned for my health—anorexic from the amphetamines, my disposition always sour, my grades abysmal, and we had parent-teacher conferences every other week—and I didn’t care; as long as I could play Final Fantasy, I didn’t care. My escapism wasn’t only affecting me; it was affecting everyone around me.

For Mewt, it was his friends and family who were affected. Because of his sorrow over his dead mother and his terrible treatment at school, he sucked everyone into his fantasy vortex where everything was perfect—for him—whether the others liked it or not, and he refused to let them leave. His escapism wasn’t only affecting him; it was affecting everyone around him in a very direct way.

And Marche was right—it wasn’t healthy.

VI. Conclusion or: Beware the Ides of Marche

I could have ended the essay right there with the last sentence, but the whole concept of escapism is far more nuanced than just “it’s not healthy!” In fact, Marche’s whole worldview is harmful overall—he’s just situationally correct in my previously covered teenage amphetamine saga and in the very specific circumstances presented in the game of which he is insisted to be the protagonist (go figure).

Yet, typically, by the end of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, players are left with the strong feeling that they were actually playing as the villain the whole time; and this is a hard feeling to shake, as evidenced by even the simplest of internet searches:

“Is Marche a Huge Dick?” “Final Fantasy Tactics Advance: 5 Reasons Marche Is the Real Villain” “Evil Marche Theory” “Think Stalin Was Bad? Meet Marche from FFTA.” “Want to Play an Evil Villain in a FF Game? Play FFTA!” “Marche Is Worse Than Kefka” “Twist Ending Should Have Been Mewt Kills Marche and Drinks His Blood.”

So, the question becomes: is Marche actually the bad guy? And in this final chapter, I will attempt to answer this burning question, which has inspired many a Final Fantasy fansite forum debate, once and for all.

Marche is kinda like your stereotypical conservative father (pardon the memes), criticizing or destroying anything he views as a distraction from the quote-unquote real world. He’s the type that would tell his crying child to “shut up,” then later apologize because he feels bad but still sneaks in a “but you really should man up” somewhere in the apology. (Having children myself, I can attest that the urge to tell your crying child to “shut up!” is kinda always there—not because you want to impart some sort of “man up” lesson onto them, but because the sound of crying is annoyingly polluting your airspace and/or disrupting your concentration on whatever you happen to be doing at the time. Therefore, the “look, son, I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I just want you to be able to handle these things like an adult” justification is usually just post-hoc self-serving bullshit to resolve the parent’s own cognitive dissonance over the contradictory feelings of simultaneously loving your child yet wanting them to shut the hell up sometimes. The same goes for spanking, which is always just the parent letting out pent-up anger accumulated from the everyday stresses of life, but is always spun as some sort of tried-and-tested fear-based disciplinary tool that just ends up making your children see you as some sort of inhuman monster lumbering around the house waiting to dole out pain.) As such, Marche views Mewt’s Ivalice as an escape from problems that need to be faced head-on, as if the reality of someone’s mother dying is something that one can just “get over” without any sort of coping mechanism. Essentially, Marche wants Mewt to “man up.” (Again, pardon the gendered language; I am not above the meme mind pollution, which is likely why I can’t think of a better way to phrase this.) It follows that, in Marche’s view, he is giving Mewt a spanking to “whip his ass into shape,” or so they say. And since a broken clock is right at least twice a day—or so they say again—Marche’s conservatism just happens to be right in this specific scenario because, unfortunately, Mewt is forcing everyone around him to stay in Ivalice against their will. If Mewt had just gone to Ivalice by himself, leaving everyone else out of his fantasy, then this would be a whole different essay; after all, Mewt is entitled to do whatever he pleases, as long as he’s not hurting anyone else; but since Mewt forced everyone to stay in Ivalice against their will, he is therefore encroaching on the freedoms of others and is therefore in the wrong, and thus Marche is in the right for destroying Ivalice in this specific scenario (i.e., Marche is not the villain of the game; the villain is actually the wish genie that’s revealed at the very end of the game, which kinda trivializes the entire ethical quandary that the game’s narrative builds up over 70 hours of play [which is a common Final Fantasy trope, something I’ve coined “The Necron Paradigm” after a particularly egregious example of this trope from Final Fantasy IX], which is something I don’t want to get into right now).

But all of this is an easy answer; the real problem is that Final Fantasy Tactics Advance’s narrative isn’t so concerned with the whole “Mewt is forcing everyone to stay in Ivalice” angle; instead, it focuses on criticizing escapism in general, which ends up leaving the player feeling really fucking weird, as if they had just snatched a child’s favorite toy and broken it right in front of them, then laughed and spat on their dead mom’s grave.

“It’s not real . . . It’s escapism . . . It’s not healthy!”

The whole narrative of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is tinged with this conservative-leaning subtext that video games themselves are an escape from reality (considering that the world of Ivalice is from a video game called Final Fantasy within the game’s actual universe [i.e., the whole meta thing we went over in ch. 2]), which is nearly paradoxical because, as we both know, Final Fantasy Tactics Advance itself is a video game. The game makes you—the player—feel like Mewt while at the same time heavily criticizing Mewt; therefore, you feel as if you are being heavily criticized yourself. It’s a very weird thing. It’s as if the game itself doesn’t want you playing it, and if you choose to keep playing it, then you’re some sort of loser (i.e., Mewt) who is ignoring the so-called real world, thus wasting precious time that could be spent on other, more quote-unquote productive things.

Other games, like Metal Gear Solid 2, may tell the player to “turn the game off” in this sort of postmodern, funny way, but none that I have played—outside of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, of course—has ever criticized the player so heavily for simply playing it. And considering some of the grindy end-game elements, the game itself starts to feel as if it’s designed to keep you playing while at the same time making you feel bad for playing it, which, as you can imagine, creates a sort of cognitive dissonance that swirls into this existential what-am-I-doing-with-my-life nexus of dread, which, as far as I know, is totally unique to Final Fantasy Tactics Advance.

So, yeah, if you want to play a game that makes you feel like shit sometimes, then Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is the game for you. (I’m now realizing that some of my essays also serve this same make-you-feel-like-shit function; but, spoilers: this essay has a nice ending [at least, I'd like to think so].)

Here's the important part: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is wrong—escapism is healthy.

The point I wanted to illustrate with the previous chapters was that all of us—yes, even you, dear reader—are trying to escape from something, whether you realize it or not; from the video games we play to the books we read, and to the little lies we tell ourselves in order to trust the world around us (refer to ch. 3), and the labels that we pretend bestow some grand meaning or uniqueness upon us (refer to ch. 4), to watching television, to obsessively hoarding old plastic because it reminds us of the good ol’ times (see ch. 1 & 5), to going out for a drink with the gang after a long day’s work at the construction site, to having a glass of wine alone after a long meaningless workday sending emails and editing spreadsheets, to watching the Georgia–Florida game whilst barehanding a 13.5-oz. bag of Cheetos® Flamin’ Hot Puffs™, to taking ecstasy and vibing out to Primal Scream’s Screamadelica in a dive club then going back to some shady hotel room with a person you barely know—(OK, this one might not be that healthy)—to building model robots, to writing long essays about video games, to playing sports, to literally anything else that isn’t simply working for rent money or eating stuff to survive or whatever: We are always escaping something, be it the tedium of work, the responsibility of family, the cosmic boredom that is always festering away in the background of everyday life, the pain that you feel simply from existing in this world full of profound suffering, or the fear of death—oh yes, especially the fear of death.

If we are not directly fighting against death, we are trying our damnedest to forget that it even exists. (“Exists” being a slightly paradoxical way to describe “death,” but I think you know what I mean. Note that I also considered the following phrasings: “. . . that it even happens” and “. . . that it’s even a thing”; the former being the most technically correct, but I decided that “exists” flows better when said aloud, so I went with “exists” and just wrote this lengthy parenthetical to cover my ass instead.)

Consider the evolution of society from tribes into chiefdoms, into little cities, into big cities, into states, and then into complex civilizations—all because it gave us a better chance to survive the harsh reality we inhabit wherein microbes cause our skin to bubble up and burst, and lions and dingoes eat our children, and other people will kill us at the first opportunity if they’re desperate enough; even the development of air conditioning, the plow, irrigation, sewerage, complex systems of law, the hut, the house, clothes, surveillance systems, prisons, whatever—it’s all a practical form of escape; an escape from the inevitable fate to which we all are subject to: DEATH. It seems to me that one of the main reasons we even have children (on purpose) is so that we can live on beyond our own deaths using some sort of biological loophole that only ends up self-perpetuating this fear of death by producing more people who are afraid of death who then go on to create even more people who are afraid of death &c. &c.—it’s really all quite diabolical when you start to think about it.

So, let’s not think about it.

Let’s play a video game or read a book or write an essay or do anything else rather than think about This Dreadful Shit. Really—what’s the point of dwelling on suffering and death when we could be doing anything else? We need fantasy. We need an escape from the hard-coded fact of death. (The word “Fact” is a bit of a weird choice here, but I am sparing you the anti-realism philosophical solipsism for now; instead, I am assuming that you, reader, live in the same general reality and experience the same general-type things as I do, death being one of those same general-type things; and yes, I am aware we could be brains in a vat or some sort of computer program or part of some giant whale’s dream [and I assure you that I’ve thought about these things at length—mostly when I was a teenager after smoking some strong weed or eating mushrooms—and have concluded that they’re all pointless word games and/or wastes of time that only serve to foster a malaise of inaction in response to the numerous plights of all creatures]; so, for now, let’s just table the whole whale-dream thing for another essay [or never] and, instead, operate under the assumption that we’re both living, breathing creatures that feel pain and/or bleed when we’re cut. [i.e., Re: “what is real, actually?” from ch. 3].)

Basically, what I’m trying to say is: Humans need fantasy to cope with reality. Escapism ensures we don’t succumb to the existential dread of being alive. And while we may end up in the grave—our destinations have always been Ivalice.

Yes, Marche was correct in Mewt’s specific instance. Just like, say, if I spent all day playing my video games instead of working, thereby not being able to pay for my home, thus becoming homeless, or if I spent all day writing instead of feeding my children, thereby them becoming little withered husks huddled all fetal in the corner of the room of which I may or may not have locked them inside in this specific hypothetical scenario; in both cases, my escapism is harming those around me—that’s true. But—(and I apologize if this comes off as a cop-out answer to the whole escapism problem presented in this essay)—it’s ultimately all about moderation; if one can get away with playing video games all day without harming others, or themselves, or whatever they care about, then they should play video games all day if that’s what they want to do. At that point, who cares? It’s that simple.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance may make you feel like playing video games is a waste of time, as if you could be out there working an extra job or getting a PhD or whatever instead (keeping in mind that there is no “ceiling” to this rat-race mentality, thus making the whole “productivity” nexus an endless pursuit in which you will likely never be satisfied with simply being alive because there is always something “more productive” you could be doing, which, to me, seems like a depressing and, frankly, suicidal way of living life). But Final Fantasy Tactics Advance does not have any right to make you feel as if you are wasting your time—you are the only person (or thing) that has the right to decide if you are wasting your time or not. That’s it. That’s the conclusion. It’s not profound or even that deep.

The way I see it is that there may be times when you’re sitting there alone playing Final Fantasy or watching television or reading a novel or whatever, and you may think to yourself something like, “wow, I am wasting my time; I should be doing literally anything else that’s more productive than this,” and in that scenario, you would be correct; but there may be other times when you’re sitting there alone playing Final Fantasy or watching television or reading a novel or whatever, and you may think to yourself something like, “this is the most fun I've ever had or ever will have in my entire life, and I want nothing more than to just be sitting here doing this thing forever because this makes me incredibly happy,” and in that situation, you would be correct too, because the truth is that these things are not so simple—the truth is that we contain multitudes.

Go find your Ivalice.


Return to Part 1

If this essay made you feel something, please let me know via email at f0rrest@protonmail.com.


#ComputerGames #Ethics #Autobiographical #FinalFantasyTacticsAdvance

i drove by your house at the tally green saw the garage door open the sandalwood between saw the stolen mileage sign pressed against the brick and i knew it was you

i thought maybe you’d miss me too

i drove by your house where you wanted to embrace but i always needed space where you would call me from bed but i’d just let it ring to test how much you really loved me

i thought maybe you'd forget

i drove by your house beyond the acrylic green saw signs pro-lgbt the pool we so often kissed between saw your room through the glass bebop scrolled as i passed and i knew it was you

i thought maybe you’d sense me too

i drove by your house where you were so shy but i forced you to be bold where your hair was crazy and dyed but if it was wrong i was cold where you claimed i was the love of your life but i would pretend to leave to test how much you really loved me

i drove by your house at the tally green saw the glass door baby’s breath between that i had left there years ago but you said no

#poetry

DRAGONSLAYER or: Writing is Punk Rock Title Card

If you'd rather listen to this essay, click here.


We are living within the bowels of a veritable ouroboros of commodification—a corporate dragon of the highest order, itself filled with thousands upon thousands of little corporate dragons. And with this essay, I aspire to harness the power of punk rock to inspire both you—the reader—and me to slay these beasts.

The corporate dragon is a unique species of dragon, as they are the only species able to commodify literally everything they come into contact with and—through biological and/or magical forces not yet fully understood—cajole those around them into participating in this commodification, even if the participants are totally miserable, fully aware of the degradation brought about by said commodification, and don’t want it to happen at all. It follows that corporate dragons are master manipulators—near mind controllers, really. Another key trait of the corporate dragon is that they are able to camouflage themselves for both defensive and offensive purposes, blending their scales into any surrounding as long as there’s some gold to be found from doing so. It follows that corporate dragons require only gold to survive rather than food, which is a trait unique to them within the entire animal kingdom. One may find corporate dragons well hidden at punk rock shows, in art galleries filled with pro-Marxist paintings, and in television programs in which the narrative extols values of anarchy or some other dissident political view that one might think runs counter to the corporate dragon’s very nature as a gold-loving, winged reptile; but, as stated earlier, the corporate dragon can and will blend into any environment at even the faintest whiff of gold.

Corporate dragons are soul suckers and dream harvesters that use the serpentine timepieces they've coiled around our wrists to track how long we sleep and, by collecting data on our heart rates and blood oxygen levels, can tell how much of that sleep was prime-dream-sleep for dream harvesting; they even give each of us a SleepScore™ and trend out that data on snake-like line graphs right there on the phones that we just can’t look away from because there’s just so much to do on those little things—so many videos to watch, so many totally-not-edited profile pictures to compare ourselves to, so many posts to post, so many headlines to regurgitate like we actually know what we’re talking about, and the memes: oh god, the memes—burning holes in our pockets and minds. The average person spends 6 hours and 40 minutes per day staring vacant into a glowing rectangle of some sort.#1 Every application we open, every URL we click, every syllable we speak, every photo we take, and every word we type is harvested so that product, marketing, and sales teams far and wide can analyze the data with large language models—themselves built using stolen data—to develop hip new marketing campaigns to sell us more stuff that we will supposedly like (based on all the said data). They have profiles on each of us that they use to determine which mind-numbing videos and stupid memes to feed us intravenous, trying to keep us in our own little bubbles of self-gratification so that we continue buying the quote-unquote cool stuff that we supposedly like (again, based on the data). This is all done so that, during their quarterly business reviews, they can present the pretty line-go-up graph on the slide deck software that their company pays millions of dollars every year to use—knowing full well that the slide deck software company itself is also harvesting the data of the people using their software while they (said software company’s employees) are also being harvested by whichever software applications they happen to be using themselves; and then all of this data is sold to some other company for a quick couple million—”By using our services, you consent to the collection, use, and sharing of your data as outlined in this agreement”—thus, the commodifiers are themselves commodified, and so on and so forth forever.

What this means is: We are feeding greedy treasure-loving dragons with our own data then kneeling under their lifted tails with our mouths wide open all ready to consume the shit that explodes out of their scaly, rancid assholes.

The whole corporate dragon media paradigm is contingent on our continued consumption of dragon shit; and the more we focus on eating dragon shit, the more bloated the dragons become, munching up all our data, shitting it back out for us to consume, only for us to feed it back to them so that they can shit it out all over again, i.e., the whole nasty thing we just went over ad infinitum. And somehow, they have made us think this whole thing is really fun and/or deeply meaningful in some way, to the point where many of us spend our whole lives simply consuming dragon shit while becoming more bored, depressed, and aimless, all the while not knowing why we are so bored, depressed, and aimless. And, in some sick stroke of genius, the corporate dragons have made us believe that the cure to this bored, aimless depression is actually just eating more of their shit—so we continue to lap it up, thus becoming even more bored, depressed, and aimless, which only drives us to eat more dragon shit because, once again, they have somehow convinced us that their shit is the cure to the existential dread of that something-is-missing feeling that we all know oh so well. (If it seems like I'm repeating myself, it’s only because I'm mirroring the whole corporate dragon shit cycle that itself repeats itself like some sort of perpetual motion machine of pure sorrow.)

The whole thing really is genius in some grotesque, twisted way—not only have these corporate dragons convinced us that consuming their shit is necessary but also that it's super cool, as if it’s the most non-conformist thing to do, ever; they have commodified nonconformity—think Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols on Warner Bros. Records—and somehow they've tricked us into thinking that this commodification does not undermine the very essence of nonconformity itself, and then, to top it all off, they sell us t-shirts with anarchy symbols all over them, and we wear them without a second thought.

Dragon shit is leaking out of our brains from our noses, ears, and mouths on a global scale. Many of us even base our entire identities around which corporate logos we like most. Whole cultures and subcultures and sub-subcultures form around television shows, video games, comic books, manga, and anime, and the specific characters within each of these entertainment mediums have fandoms within their own fandoms within even more fandoms; and we fight over which flavor of this dragon shit is, like, the best flavor—which fandom is the coolest and has all the best stuff, as if there’s some sort of universal objective measurement to begin with—which makes us feel like we have unique opinions that we totally came up with ourselves when really we are being manipulated into camps by the corporate dragons so that they can continue to gorge themselves on our data, plundering our gold both literal and figurative. We go around on social media platforms—many of which are owned by some of the most dangerous corporate dragons in existence—and post images of our favorite pieces of dragon shit, identifying as fans of such-and-such dragon shit or so-and-so dragon shit, and this makes us feel like we’re individuals, like we have preferences that we picked ourselves—but, in reality, some corporate dragon with a bachelor's degree in marketing picked them for us through long games of subtle product placement, social engineering, emotional manipulation, nostalgia baiting, and sometimes even straight-up bullying.

Some of us know that this whole dragon-shit thing is going on and call it out for what it is, but then we turn right around and bury our faces into a handheld video game console or veg out in front of the television watching cartoons or whatever; then that same someone might retreat into excuses like, “I’m just one person, what can I do about it?” or “At least I’m aware of it, right?” with a shit-eating grin in which they hope their teeth might sparkle like some sort of video game protagonist because they imagine themselves as such sometimes since the corporate dragon shit is just so stained all over our bodies and minds that it’s nearly impossible to wash off, and it shows—oh, it shows. (And, if it wasn’t obvious, this paragraph is based on own personal experience as a mega consumer of dragon shit; I am not proud.)

The corporate dragons have really done a number on us.

I will admit, however, that some of this dragon shit tastes really good—like candy, almost. But, just like candy, the dragon shit doesn't fill you up, regardless of how much you eat, and there’s always this feeling that something is missing after you swallow a big mouthful. There’s some sort of existential void that, despite how much dragon shit you try to shove down into it, just can’t be filled up, and this drives us to search for even more exquisite dragon shit, hoping that we will one day find that one piece of magical shit that will finally fill us up; but we never will, because dragon shit is just that: shit. And then we die, reeking of shit; our surviving relatives will remember us only by the names of the lights reflected off our emaciated, shit-stained faces—“Your father loved watching that Mick and Rorty”—and eventually, they take our collection of dragon shit and sell it off at some estate sale or other, returning it to the endless cycle of corporate dragon shit. And in sixty years, we—as real human people—are totally forgotten, like we never even existed at all, and the corporate dragons continue on selling their shit to our successors.

I know this to be true, yet I still eat the dragon shit.

So, the question becomes: how do we prevent this from happening to us? How do we stop feeling so empty and start feeling more fulfilled? How do we make real, human connections that don’t rely on corporate logos or catchphrases or whatever?

The corporate dragons don't want us pondering these questions because if we stop to think about what we're actually consuming—the nature of it all, the how of its creation, the “what” of its “what the fuck?”—even for a moment, we stop feeding the corporate dragon, and the corporate dragon doesn't like that very much at all. The corporate dragon especially doesn't like it when we write about these questions at length, as I am doing right now; and this is counterintuitively clear by the corporate dragon's response: the moment someone writes an even semi-popular essay or book or whatever questioning this whole dragon shit paradigm, some corporate publishing dragon—(there are many corporate dragon variants)—swoops in to buy the rights, intent on commodifying the work into a “It’s So Cool to Hate the System”-type product to then sell to so-called rebellious intellectuals; thus, the criticizing of corporate dragons becomes corporate itself—the corporate dragon is suddenly wearing a mohawk, pretending they are one of the very people criticizing them.

And it feels really good to criticize corporate dragons. In fact, it feels really really good to write anything at all. In fact in fact, it feels really really—really—good to create literally anything; and writing is probably the easiest way to create something that is uniquely one’s own. I would go as far as to say that you—dear reader—should be writing right now (instead of reading this). Write your life. Because if I had to pick something that makes me feel fulfilled—outside of spending time with my kids or having a real long, deep conversation with a close friend about this very topic (or something like it)—I would have to pick writing. I can’t explain exactly why; all I know is that, when I’m in a deep writing flow state, nothing else matters in the world, and when I have completed a work that I’m proud of, I lean back, reread it, and feel deeply fulfilled, as if I have left my mark upon the dragon’s hide, and this pleases me greatly on a real deep human level. Even if, say, months later, I reread the same work with more experienced eyes and think the old work immature or poorly written, I am still glad to have written it—I have never regretted the act of writing, ever. And, when I pass, those around me will have a written record of my soul—something more than just, “he really liked Final Fantasy.”

Writing is my wheelhouse, my passion—and I would imagine artists of all kinds feel this way about their own methods of creation, too. I would extrapolate then that, from my experience, the way to reach true fulfillment—outside of family and friends and community—is by creating something that is uniquely you instead of consuming dragon shit every waking hour of the day; and I would argue that you should be creating something right now, at this moment, to save your very soul.

If corporate dragons can wear a mohawk, corporatizing the very act of rebellion itself, perhaps then I, too, can use this contrarian appeal to convince you—the reader—of why I think writing is so important, and why you—the reader—should write down every thought that comes into your head regardless of whatever hang-ups you might have about doing so.

So, allow me to put on my mohawk for just a moment while I tell you this:

Writing is the most punk rock thing a person can do.

I don’t mean Sex Pistols signing to Virgin Records type punk rock; I mean real do-it-yourself type punk rock; I mean that real get-up-on-stage-and-scream-your-heart-out-without-a-care-in-the-world-even-if-you-don’t-have-any-equipment-because-you-just-fucking-love-doing-what-you’re-doing type punk rock; that real piss-on-a-picture-of-the-president-and-light-a-photo-of-the-Pope-on-fire type punk rock. I mean the real raw, emotive human type punk rock. The type of punk rock that’s delivered with conviction and verve; the type of punk rock that corporate dragons just can’t fully camouflage into.

In this commodified world, writing is one of the few things left that you can do without involving yourself with corporate dragons in some way. You need not commodify yourself to write; it’s basically a zero-cost art form—totally removed from the corporate dragon paradigm. A near-perfect do-it-yourself type punk rock thing. You don’t need a fancy computer to write; you don’t need expensive video editing software or MIDI controllers or instruments or paints or brushes or even a pen or pencil to write; you can literally go outside and write in the dirt with your finger if you wanted to. Writing is simply the act of using the written word to free your thoughts from the prison of your mind. You don’t need an MFA or a bachelor's degree to start writing. You don’t need to know how the Chicago Manual of Style differs from the Oxford Style Guide to start writing. You don’t need to know how to use a semicolon or an em dash or a serial comma to start writing. You don’t need to know why and when to capitalize certain phrases and/or letters to start writing. You don’t need to know what a “synecdoche” is to start writing. U dun even need to no how to spell to start righting; if ur semi-literate, evn at teh first-grde lvl, u can right—reeders will just kinda parse te words somhow, it’s a well-documented scientifical thaing. The whole spelling-grammar-syntax triad is highly overrated. You can just start writing whenever. You don’t need to pass a test. You don’t need some authority figure to sign a permission slip. You are punk rock—you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Go forth and write.

Some people are afraid to start writing because of the snooty air of pretension surrounding the whole thing—as if they are not good enough to compete with the educated literari, so why even bother? But writing is punk rock, and punk rock—as long as its untainted by corporate dragons—is totally subjective; there’s no universal law dictating which words are “better” or “worse” than other words: there's no legal document deciding which sentences are “good” and which sentences are “bad.” Your writing need not be clear like crystal or grammatically correct to be impactful and/or personally fulfilling; people will still understand you, and those who say otherwise just don't get it—they are not punk rock. Writing is a form of communication that is both very literal and very psychic; when you read the words in this essay, you are reading the actual words, understanding their literal meaning, but you are also absorbing some sort of essence of the author—me—into your psyche; you are learning more about me—the author—on a deep, visceral level, both by my stated values and my subtle written nuances like which words I like to reuse and how I structure my sentences and my overall fragmented, jumpy train of thought, &c. &c. We are literally bonding right now; that’s what writing is all about. I am up here on this stage, screaming my heart out, and you are watching and listening, not only with your eyes and ears but also with your very soul. But if you’re listening for errors in grammar, spelling, syntax, or flow, then you’re listening for all the wrong things; writing need not be treated like some sort of competitive sport in which you endlessly vie for some meaningless title of “best author”; not every piece of writing needs to be picked apart and analyzed and judged as if writing is some sort of martial arts tournament in which every word is a punch and every comma is a parry and every period is a hard kick to the face; that’s not what any of this is about; writing is about having fun and unleashing something uniquely you into the world that is more permanent than a whisper or a scream or a kick to the head. Writing is not about being better than someone else; it’s about expressing what's deep inside you, your raw human emotions—even if they're ugly and unpleasant. You don’t need to feel as if you need to elicit quote-unquote constructive feedback from random people solely for the purposes of becoming more technically proficient in some arbitrary standard set by centuries of super-white dudes subtly manipulating the English language in an effort to gentrify the written word (a.k.a. Standard Written English), because truly interesting writing is not about technical proficiency at all—it’s about raw human experience; it’s about getting up there on that figurative stage and screaming your figurative heart out at the top of your figurative lungs and not giving one dragon shit care in the world if someone doesn't like it. You cannot ask for feedback on your raw human experience and then expect to get anything constructive in return because the only person who can construct your raw human experience is you—corporate dragons may attempt to influence you, but you are the ultimate authority of you. You are the arbiter of your very soul. You are punk rock.

So, write something; liberate yourself. You are not a corporate dragon wearing a mohawk—you are punk rock. You have stuff locked away in that head of yours, waiting to be released. Go forth and write like your very soul depends on it—because it does.

In this year 2024, in which everything from our childhood to our present sense of self to even our future potential is commodified; in which everything is packaged, issued, repackaged, reissued, packed with cheap plastic memorabilia and a tacky badge, and then repackaged again; in which all manner of weird glowy cubes, orbs, and flat panels are vying for our attention, flashing colorful images at us, strobing hyperactive videos that become shorter every day, all in an effort to cram even more commodification into even smaller windows of time to min-max profit margins, all the while destroying our attention spans and draining the life from our very eyes; in which we can barely focus because they have even commodified our brains; in which consuming is not just encouraged but also baked into society at large, required to function, inescapable; in which reading has been made to seem uncool and is subtly discouraged through the continued reliance on headline outrage to generate drama that can then be exploited for profit, and the use of sketchy automatic summarization to ensure that you never have to read a full-length article or book ever again because the corporate dragons hate it, because it takes time away from feeding them through clicks and advertising revenue and subscription fees and raw data that can then be used to target you as an individual specifically so that they can commodify your very soul, mold you into the ultimate little consumer—(and, for the record, I am not above this; I consume, consume, consume)—in which corporate dragons have subverted the art of writing by replacing it with robots, all while making it seem snooty and pretentious in an effort to discourage us from writing critically about them. In the year 2024, in which the commodifiers are themselves commodified and it’s just commodification literally all the way down; in which the very concept of nonconformity has been monetized through the use of video games and pop music and movies and all forms of multimedia; in which corporate dragons want us to define ourselves using one of their trademarked intellectual property logos; in which even violence and death and war itself have been commodified; it follows that the simple act of writing—of creating something, of expressing oneself, of not consuming shit literally all the time—is the most rebellious thing that one can do.

It follows that corporate dragons wearing mohawks are not true punk rockers; true punk rockers are us writers. And as true punk rockers, it is our duty to take up the pen and stab it right into the heart of the beast; it is our duty to SLAY THE CORPORATE DRAGON.

Go forth, dragonslayer.


Citations:

#1. Revealing average screen time statistics for 2024. Backlinko. (2024, March 11). https://backlinko.com/screen-time-statistics


#ethics

vice city sunset, album cover, art from vice city, logo from vice city

“Yesterday's faded. Nothing can change it. Life's what you make it”

I was 15 years old when I first heard The Colour of Spring. I even remember where I was and what I was doing the very moment the first track—“Happiness Is Easy”—started playing after I inserted the CD into the disc drive (remember those?) of my Dell something-or-other with one of those fat, black-chassis monitors displaying some sort of low-resolution Final Fantasy wallpaper, no doubt. The year was 2006, and I was at my mom’s house playing Okami for the PlayStation 2, which had been released that same year. Weird association, I know, especially considering the album’s 1986 release date, as you were probably expecting something more along the lines of “I had just finished watching ABC’s afternoon Benson-MacGyver block before I slipped the cassette purchased direct from the local Sam Goody into my stereo system’s tape player.”

But, alas, I am a millennial perpetually dreaming of times in which I did not exist, which worked out well for me because the early 2000s were a sort of '80s revival for teenagers whose parents were video games instead of real, present human beings. This '80s revival was ushered in by Rockstar’s Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, whose mature themes and violence prompted some backlash, especially from Christian fundamentalists—particularly a certain disbarred attorney named Jack Thompson, quoted as saying, “If some wacked-out adult wants to spend his time playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, one has to wonder why he doesn't get a life, but when it comes to kids, it has a demonstrable impact on their behavior and the development of the frontal lobes of their brains.” (I’m not going to source this because it’s a matter of public record, and the guy wouldn't deny it anyway.) And while Jack Thompson is a reactionary kook, he’s probably right that kids shouldn’t be playing computer games in which they can bang hookers in the back seat of a car, then chainsaw those same hookers' limbs off moments after the deed is done. It follows that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is very violent indeed.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is set in a fictitious reimagining of Miami, Florida, circa 1986; the game largely appealed to young male adolescents by allowing them to roam the city murdering people indiscriminately with a variety of weapons (including a katana for beheadings and a chainsaw that could be stabbed into the roofs of cars when jumped atop) while soliciting prostitutes and dealing drugs to buy lavish properties and stealing cars (hence the game’s name). The game also included a series of story missions that mirrored the plot of the 1983 hit movie Scarface, but no one I knew wanted to play these missions; instead, they opted to run around the city engaging in the aforementioned bad stuff, spraying adolescent angst all over the digital denizens of Vice City in some sort of teenage, masturbatory “fuck you” to mom and dad for making them go to school five days a week, clean their rooms, and eat their vegetables—or something.

It’s interesting, considering that most of the kids I knew who could afford a PlayStation 2 and Vice City didn’t have much to be angsty about to begin with (this includes me, as I was not immune)—as if the dullness of modern first-world existence stirs up a primordial angst that is always there just kinda waiting to be unleashed. Or maybe people just need something to be pissy about, and, despite homeostasis and all the distractions in the world, we just wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have something to complain about constantly. (There’s truly a wealth of insight into the human condition to be gleaned from children’s obsession with violent computer games—especially Grand Theft Auto, which has only grown more violent since my time playing it as a kid—but that’s a topic for another piece, and one that I am wholly unprepared to write about.)

Out of all these violent activities, the most important to teenage me was the stealing and driving of cars, because Grand Theft Auto: Vice City included 10 radio stations that played a variety of era-appropriate music from different genres, including Talk Talk’s “Life’s What You Make It” from their album The Colour of Spring, released in 1986. “Life’s What You Make It” begins with Mark Hollis—proverbial frontman of the group, though the entire band was just as important—playing a strong but simple piano melody, like that of a child messing around on the keys for the first time, and this melody steps in weird time and jazz, driven by tribal drumming that is both manic and highly structured, and is just an instant head bob before a majestic guitar riff washes over the whole thing, echoing pure '80s dreamstuff all over the arrangement, accompanied by an organ-mellotron combo that evokes sudden epiphany, like all the things you thought were really serious and important suddenly aren’t so much, and you are just very small and a meteor could hit your place of work at any time and some things are just totally out of your control so you might as well just sit back, relax, and take it all in—as if life is what you make it very much so indeed.

It goes without saying that, as a 15-year-old kid driving a stolen digital car at 80 mph through busy virtual traffic with a low-poly ocean shoreline in one corner of my eye and an electronic sunset dithering pixels of purples and pinks in the other corner of my eye, all while listening to Talk Talk on the in-game radio, the song (“Life’s What You Make It” by Talk Talk featured on Flash FM) had a profound impact on my earliest aesthetic values. Even in a game as violent and ugly as Vice City, you can still find a beautiful sunset and an almost transcendent peace just driving around looking at stuff, and in this way, Vice City isn’t so different from real life. You would think that, with such a strong connection, the song would remain tied to that moment, evoking only Vice City Sunsets. But—much like the entirety of The Colour of Spring—“Life’s What You Make It” doesn’t merely accompany the mood of a time and place; it is the mood. It creates the mood. It carries with it the mood, transforming the aura of any time and place into its own. You could be in a crowded airport, psychic anxiety and stress all around you, and play any song from this album, and you would suddenly be transported to another world. Talk Talk knew this too—just listen to the fifth track, “Living in Another World.”

Every track on The Colour of Spring creates and projects its own world, like jumping into an impressionist painting made of sound. There’s a transcendent sparseness that feels like driving down a beachside road with no care in the world other than what’s immediately right there in front of you. A beautiful shiver runs through the spine; it’s nearly eerie how ethereal the whole listening experience can be. I listened to The Colour of Spring while at the pool with my daughter years ago, and now I have to listen to that album every time I go to that pool; it transformed the space: the pool is beautiful now; the pool is The Colour of Spring now; I cannot explain it; it just is. The album is its own time and place; its own world; its own universe; it creates its own life. Play The Colour of Spring anywhere, and that place is transformed.

In the world of The Colour of Spring, there is simultaneously so much going on and nothing going on that it's hard to put a finger on exactly what makes it so special; there are unexpected flourishes of guitar, both electric and acoustic, over jazzy compositions, and Mark Hollis’ vocals, which can only be described as distantly odd yet strangely intimate—perhaps the most intimate you’ve heard in your life—driving in the ethereal auras as if fallen angels were pushing the head of a pin into the pitch of space, thus poking some light into the void; these angels are not dancing; instead, they are just kind of muttering enochian while walking with a slight sway to their gait on a beach where the clearest blue waters are kissing the most velvety sands and seagulls are hovering overhead not to steal food but to guide the way.

Two years after the release of The Colour of Spring, Talk Talk would go on to record Spirit of Eden, and three years later, Laughing Stock; on these two albums, Talk Talk dropped their synthpop stylings completely, leaning into incredibly sparse jazzy arrangements that border on the improvisational. Both Spirit of Eden and Laughing Stock would go on to become cult classics of the quote-unquote post-rock genre, where pop structures are thrown away entirely in favor of sparse, unpredictable arrangements that focus on filling rooms with a certain atmosphere—basically, the whole post-rock thing took its cues from Talk Talk. The Colour of Spring embodies much of these sparse jazzy post-rock soundscapes—especially in songs like “April 5th,” which is only a ghostly synth warble, a basic piano melody, and Mark’s haunting vocals, but also in “Happiness Is Easy,” which bursts here and there with acoustic guitar and organ flourishes dangling from a wild double-bass line that seems to have a mind of its own—and while The Colour of Spring is, at its core, a pop album, it’s a pop album wrapped in a cocoon that is in the process of cracking, with a little proboscis and the tip of a wing popping out. The Colour of Spring exists somewhere between synthpop and jazz, somewhere between virtual and reality, somewhere between adolescence and adulthood, somewhere between ugliness and transcendental beauty, but never ugly itself.

It’s a shame that The Colour of Spring reminds me so heavily of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, because that game is just so violent, disgusting, and ugly. But I can’t shake the mood of driving down those digital roads, watching those digital sunsets while listening to “Life’s What You Make It.” Even in a game as ugly as Vice City, those sunsets were so stunning and beautiful that, perhaps, their beauty imprinted on my mind forever.

But, upon reflection, it seems more likely that those Vice City Sunsets didn’t imprint themselves on my mind—Talk Talk imprinted them for me.

Perhaps the only beauty in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is Talk Talk.


#TalkTalk #Music #GrandTheftAutoViceCity #ComputerGames #Autobiographical

ellie and zale, chapter 3 the deal titlecard

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4


    At the core of all things—planets and stars, moons and meteorites, supernovae and comet tails, pulsars and nebulae, flesh and stone, decayed wood and rusted metal, and those once-things long turned to dust; even in always and neverwas, in awareness and sleep, in rainbows and rainclouds too—there is magic; the 183rd element: hecatinium.

    This element set the modem facility aglow on this 8th night of Gamelion, AH386. The static purr of the miniature megaliths, themselves wired with hecatinium and HyperNet, was drowned out by an oscillatory hum emanating from a metal wand propped between the weight of two machines, one of life and one of death—a medical unit and a handgun, both of TatNos model and make—wires wrapped in black electrical tape running from the contradictory devices into slots on the wand itself. The wand was consuming the very essence of both things, like some sort of energy vampire, spitting that energy back out with tricephalous force; a line of green plasma swirled from the tip of the humming spanner, spasming softly as it spread itself some ten feet above the tip of the wand, forming a lime-colored bubble dome about the size of six people.

    Within the bubble were four bodies, three of which were lying motionless on the hard metal floor; the one in motion was Ellie, squatting near a black tower, her eyes shadowed by a dark pair of circular glasses. She was wrapping two wires together with black tape, accented by a light blue glow woven between the adhesive threads. The wires shot a spark, which struck the young woman’s freckled face, causing her to grimace while letting out a primal noise not unlike keweee! She quickly peered into the reflective surface of a nearby megalith to observe the extent of her wound: The spark had burned a dime-sized hole about two layers deep into her right cheek, revealing something red and stringy underneath. And as quickly as she went to touch the wound, it sealed itself shut as if there had been no wound at all. This realization morphed the pained expression on Ellie’s face into something resembling pride.

    “Well, the field works at least,” Ellie said to herself; her voice had a deep softness to it like the midnight hoot of an Old Earth owl; there was a hint of surprise there too, as she had her doubts about wiring two diametrically opposed devices into her spanner, but it appeared to have worked, judging by the regenerative bubble—yet did it work well enough to bring life back to three people on the brink of death? She had never used her spanner in such a way before.

    The spanner itself was given to Ellie on her seventeenth birthday by her grandmother; it was a hand-me-down, as Gigi had not the credits for anything else. Officially, the spanner was a standard TatNos 3rd Generation Diagnostic Wrench resembling a falchion in both shape and size; it ran the Minx operating system on a 2nd Generation Hypnos Atom-State Drive sporting 16 PB of RAM and running a microCHU processor powered by a single fingernail-sized H Crystal that fit into a slot underneath the removable plate locked on the bottom of the handle of which was grafted with a rubbery black polymer. Upon close contact with nearly anything mechanical, the wrench would instantly display diagnostic information for whatever it was pointed at, this information displayed on a palm-sized liquid-crystal display located on the nearly indestructible black vanadium shaft; the information displayed could range from internal temperatures to loose screws to packet-transfer speeds to CoO (Complex of Origin) to CHU-usage percentages by core to the name, birthdate, and current location of the last person who serviced the scanned thing (provided that person was chipped, which nearly all Thessalonians were). Functionally, the spanner emitted pulses of hecatinium-infused energy from a retractable repulsor ring in the middle of the spanner’s torque jaw (retractable so that the torque jaw could be used for its intended manual purpose if needed); the pulses were used to adjust the various mechanical details of any machine—from turning screws to replacing internal chips—all controlled by the thoughts of the wielder, which were interpreted by the Minx operating system through the wielder’s cerebrum implant, which interfaced with the wrench through a barely noticeable pin-prick upon gripping the handle. Each 3rd Generation Diagnostic Wrench was installed with a so-far uncrackable Biological Rights Management system intended to allow only the owner of the wrench to utilize its hecatonic functions, but a quirk in the 3rd Generation BRM allowed any blood relative to use the wrench—which was what allowed Gigi to gift the spanner as a hand-me-down to begin with. Unofficially, the wrench—which Ellie had taken to calling The Spanner of Queens for laughs—was modded with a number of enhancements, one being the grafting of a hecatome glove’s innards into the spanner’s own guts, and replacing the original repulsor ring with the ring from the cannibalized glove, which was a necessary modification to accommodate the additional output afforded by the hecatome glove’s internal chipset. These modifications allowed the spanner to manipulate hecatonic energy in such a way that it was not dissimilar from a magical wand out of a fantasy book, capable of much more than simply fixing machinery, and these hecatonic blasts output in the wrench's original green coloring, which coincidentally matched its wielder's big eyes. But Ellie’s intention was not to make a deadly weapon; the hecatomes programmed into The Spanner of Queens matched those Ellie was trained in at polytechnic: tomes of defense, manipulation, and incapacitation—defensive walls and bubble barriers, hands of god and restrictive tethers, and all the soft electrics; and while she had intended to learn regenerative weaving, the tomes were much too complex for her to grasp, and as such she found no way to program them into the spanner’s operating system herself. But hecatonic shock was programmed with no problem at all, as this tome was one she was well-versed in—a simple, non-lethal means of self-defense that proved invaluable for complex life, albeit a self-defense she had only used outside of the Net thrice before; the third time being just a few moments ago.

    This hecatonic shock was the lightning that struck the mouse—the same mouse Ellie had seen from her spot in the facility's deep noir, the same mouse that had attacked the people she heard after realizing she had left the door wide open, those same people she only got a good look at once they were splayed out on the floor, being tortured by the rodent all wrapped in hellfire. So, when she lifted The Queen and thought of hecatonic shock and those emerald waves of electricity burst forth thus enveloping every inch of the holographic mouse, she believed she had done the right thing; although she had never run 1,200 volts through a man wearing a holo before, and the mouse’s shaking was far more violent than she had ever expected. But despite all that, she believed she had done the right thing. And when she checked the pulses of each person and noticed that the mouse man had no pulse whatsoever, she still thought she had done the right thing; after all, one of the fallen had a TatNos Medical Unit, known to pump non-beating hearts full of life once more—or at least that’s what she had read on the Net—and although she had never used a TatNos Medical Unit before, the thing was straightforward enough, and she figured it out in less than a minute. The medical unit was lacking an H Crystal, but Ellie’s spanner had one to spare, as did the mouse’s gun, and wiring all three devices would allow the spanner to draw power from the handgun while channeling the regenerative hecatonics from the medical unit. The wiring was a simple matter of electrical tape and know-how, and thus: the regenerative bubble now turning the room into a plasmatic jungle of life.

    The green of the do-it-yourself regenerative field was dabbed with spots of red as the HyperNet towers blinked angry blinks of connectivity error. But the colors coalesced into the emerald glow shortly after Ellie, filled with reckless confidence, pulled her face out of an open tower panel, her eyes obscured by the glasses on which her hand was resting, tapping one of the many buttons on the frame. Her toothy grin brighter than ever as she brushed her hands together then rubbed the tip of her hooky nose.

    Floor 3 was online, but there was little time to celebrate; a groan broke through the room’s electronic purr, and this immediately put Ellie on high alert. She slid behind the central network tower for cover, a single sweaty palm pressed against the matte megalith as she peeked her head out toward the room’s only door, which was now firmly closed and locked old-school with a tilted metal chair as the door’s electronic locking mechanism was fried.

    There, near the entrance, a messy-haired young man was twisting around on the floor, wrapped in his own long coat; muted curses as he wrestled his arms free from coattails, propped himself on knee, foot and palm, then rubbed his face with a bare hand, accidentally smearing blood across his face like a wolf after a feast. The coppery smell tipped him off, and he looked down at his bloody palm, blank expression, lost remembering events just minutes before. His reverie snapped when he noticed the green reflecting from the gooey red on his palm, which caused him to do a quick scan of the room—a scan that resulted in a double take at what looked like a ritual totem spewing emerald plasma just a few feet away from him.

    “What in the—” Gray whispered, brushing at his knees before scanning the scene: he saw Jules face down in blood, one hand outstretched in his direction; and the mouse man was mouse no more, just a husk, all ceilingward, his one good eye rigored wider than the festering hole on the opposite side of his face which billowed gray smoke like a mortal volcano post-eruption. This smoke could have doubled as visible stink lines, as there was a fetid mix of ozone, excrement, and burned hair oozing from the rodent’s corpse. “Zeus almighty,” Gray whispered as he covered his nose and repressed a gag.

    Gray hurried to Jules, kneeling down beside them. Jules had suffered two blast wounds, one to each leg, which was obvious from the singed holes in the artist’s poofy pants, the only evidence of wounds that were now closed shut. A third blast smoldered near the fallen artist’s head—a miss—and a fourth had just grazed the side of their smooth stomach, if the small flames slowly creeping along the mesh of Jules’ fishnet shirt were any indication.

    Gray placed a single finger on Jules’ forehead, which must have been the touch of life because the artist instantly turned over and blinked their alien blue eyes up at the young wolf peering down at them. Jules spoke oblivious as if just being snapped out of a weird trance. “I had the strangest dream; there was a mouse, a red mouse, and—”

    “—they had very bad aim, right?” Gray said with a smirk that failed to hide the joy on his face.

    Jules propped themselves up into a lotus position, then made a quick scan of their body, which prompted a gentle laugh. “It’s hard to aim with only one eye.” And then they both laughed, not at the joke—or even at the absurdness of the situation—but at the realization that their friendship had not been cut short, that they still had time to spend together. Their laughter slowly became louder as if the someone were delicately twisting the volume knob to eleven.

    The laughter stopped as Jules noticed the totem, prompting them to tilt their head as if processing the supernatural. Gray looked too, mesmerized by the green plasma fluctuating and twisting and burping in what seemed like eight-dimensional space. Gray broke the silence, “Clearly that’s the thing that saved us, but—” The two friends exchanged puzzled glances before accidentally speaking simultaneously: “Who?” They paused for a moment, then spoke simultaneously once more, “And why?” The laughter returned.

    Jules pushed a long finger into the tip of their nostril, forming a lopsided piggy face, lost in bubble glow. Gray stepped toward the humming totem, approaching it with an arm outstretched, as if to touch the thing, but before he could, the no-nonsense hoot of a serious owl rang out: “Don’t even think about it!”

    Gray and Jules turned siamese to the hoot. Ellie stood with one hand in the opening of her dark messenger bag and the other on the frame of her shadowy glasses, tapping a single button as if toggling data, haptics tickling her face with each tap.

    “You don’t look like a doctor,” Ellie said, peering at Gray over green-reflecting lenses. “And is that your real name—Autolycus? I’ve never heard that one before.”

    “It’s Gray,” the wolf responded matter-of-factly, in a somewhat defensive tone.

    “And you—” Ellie scanned Jules, her lips curling into a curious smile. “Nothing on you.”

    Jules lifted a pale hand and waved an exaggerated wave, unfazed by Ellie’s clairvoyance, tucking a blonde tuft behind their ear before flashing a childlike smile, which Ellie returned in kind.

    Gray watched the ginger girl, who stood shadowed in fluctuating emerald glow, which made her look beautiful, like a grassy meadow dotted with sunflowers at dusk darkly. He stared transfixed, as if he had just come face to face with a faerie. But, like any true skeptic confronted with the supernatural, his expression shifted from wonderment to confusion to anger to a superficial cool in phases spanning only milliseconds, and then, finally, the questions. “Why did you save us?”

    Ellie blinked big greens, “Why not?”

    Gray’s eye twitched at this non-answer. He didn’t immediately respond; instead, he slipped a hand into his coat pocket, which made him feel a little more comfortable. “Why were you here? Are you with the Consortium? What’s your name? And your glasses—are they Net-enabled?”

    Ellie’s thick brows furrowed. She sensed where this was going—“This is stupid”—and intended to cut it short: “My name’s Ellie. I’m in my final year of polytechnic, and I was getting an assignment in class before this whole thing started. I was fixing the Net so I could finish my class, but I found you and your girlfriend being attacked by some—” She gesticulated at the smoking mouse man, “—some mouse person, and I figured, ‘Hey, that mouse seems like a pretty bad dude; why not stop an obvious double homicide?’ which, admittedly, wasn’t very well thought out, and I probably should have just hidden in the back until this all blew over, and—”

    Jules’ smile twisted at the ‘girlfriend’ remark, and Gray, too, looked perplexed. Ellie paused, noticing this shift. “W-What? Was it something I said?”

    “Jules is not my girlfriend—” Gray exaggerated his next word, “—they are my best friend.”

    Ellie’s expression dropped, her eyes wide, the freckles underneath stretched to infinity. “I’m so sorry—you’re totally right. What was I thinking? I just figured the only reason you would be in here during an outage is to get away and—err—kiss—err—I don’t know, do something together, and I just kind of assumed and—” She stopped to collect her thoughts. “Jules, was it? I’m so so sorry. I really don’t know what I was thinking. I’m just flustered right now. I normally don’t do this kind of thing. I—”

    “My name is Euterpe—Julian Euterpe. I think some people call me Jules.” Jules smiled, they sensed beauty in Ellie, but not in the same way Gray might have sensed that beauty—this was a fizzy beauty, there was an understated intelligence in Ellie’s demeanor, expressed through an effervescent weirdness that was both a little immature and a little charming, they thought.

    Gray’s skeptical look softened. He removed his hand from his coat pocket and spoke, “Well, it’s a strange coincidence, still, you being here. I don’t—”

    And then there was a loud mechanical burp; the green bubble wobbled out of phase, then returned to normal, then warbled, then returned once more. The spanner started vibrating just enough to create an audible rattle that overtook the room’s default purr. This prompted Gray to turn and approach the totem.

    Ellie shouted, “Don’t!”

    Gray ignored Ellie’s frustrated hoot. “It sounds like it’s overloading.” He took a moment to appreciate the eldritch wiring between the three devices. “This is really impressive. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m surprised it even works,” he said, reaching out to touch the magical wrench.

    Ellie shouted again, “I said don’t touch it!”

    Gray heard a faint whoosh and felt the air by his face shift as if he had just barely dodged a bullet. Ellie had removed a thick screw from her bag and thrown it at him, which barely missed, crashing into the spanner with a loud clang. The spanner toppled over, and the regenerative bubble burst as if it were made of green slime, pooling on the metal floor like goo before dissipating into little green dots.

    Ellie gasped, realizing her mistake. But instead of rushing to the spanner, she bolted to the mouse man on the floor and grabbed his stiff wrist, pressing down hard with her thumb; she put her head to the man’s breast, listening closely. Then she popped up, positioned her hands on the man’s chest, one atop the other, and began pressing in turns. She started counting but lost track, and when there was no response, she hung her head and went silent.

    Jules wonder-watched as Ellie played first responder on what was obviously a corpse. Gray approached, as if to stop Ellie, but Jules lifted their hand and shook their head. Several moments passed in near silence—the only noise being Ellie’s whispered curses as she dropped her head to the man’s chest to check for a heartbeat one last time.

    Gray thought, surely this care for the mouse’s life was because Ellie was a Consortium member herself and the mouse man was her colleague—otherwise, why would she care at all? His eyes narrowed at this thought, but then he considered how Ellie had saved their lives, which only served to confuse him more. Moments of contemplation passed before waves of revelation washed over him, leaving nothing but a stoic expression on the shore; he concluded that Ellie simply did not want to kill anyone, and this annoyed him, as she was now trying to save the life of the person who had nearly murdered him just moments earlier.

    Jules did not share their friend's annoyance; they were instead smiling a yin-yang smile, both somber and serene, as they enjoyed learning more about Ellie with every passing moment.

    Ellie, however, was not smiling; she lurched toward Gray, who put his hands up as if to defend himself. “You idiot! Why did you have to go and mess with my spanner?” Her emerald eyes lit up like a forest fire. “If you just listened, this guy wouldn’t be dead right now!”

    Gray shot back, “You threw the damn thing!”

    “I wouldn’t need to throw anything if you just listened to me!”

    Jules took a lanky step toward the heart of the forest fire, hoping to quell the flames. “You deserve credit for trying, but the mouse had already given up the ghost.”

    Ellie, still scowling, heard Jules but ignored them; she was fixated on Gray. “Neither of you knew that! And those medical units have healed worse!”

    Gray took a step back, giving Ellie some room. “Don’t you think he would've healed by now? Whatever you did to that guy ghosted him quick. In fact, he’s been dead for—” Gray peered down at the glowy square on his wrist. “—over twenty minutes now.”

    Ellie’s eyes welled into mossy pools, extinguishing the wildfire, and Gray felt like he was stepping into a mossy pool himself, his understanding of the young woman’s motivation deepening as the water rose around his legs. For a moment, it was as if Gray were being purified by Ellie’s healing waters.

    But Gray resisted purification. “He was trying to ghost us. He was a gangster. He would have ghosted you too. You shouldn’t feel bad. He had it coming.”

    Ellie shook her head. “It was just Hecatome: Shock,” she mumbled as she placed a hand on her face. “It’s like a taser. It’s designed to incapacitate. I programmed it myself. There’s no way it could kill someone. No way.”

    “Well, it incapacitated him straight into a grave,” Gray said, misreading her shift in tone and topic, which resulted in a fresh look of disdain from Ellie, whose mossy pools seemed to evaporate instantly as the wildfire returned. “What?” Gray said, gesturing nervously. “I’m just saying.”

    “I have no right to take anyone’s life. That man should have been arrested, tried, sentenced—something! You could have been trying to kill him first—I don’t know!”

    Gray started with soft chuckles that grew into deep guffaws.

    “What’s so funny?” Ellie demanded, defiantly stomping the floor with one foot.

    “It’s just—” Gray interrupted himself with loud “ha's.” “—just cute that you think the justice syst—” He couldn’t stop, half of his sentence lost in laughter. “Especially in a complex—” He placed a hand on his stomach as if to contain a gutful of guffaws.

    Ellie, eyes welling with tears, stomped right up to Gray and pushed his shoulders—“Shut up!”—causing the wolf to stumble lightly backward, his laughter calming somewhat. She pushed him again and again and again, into a wall. and the wolf was not retaliating.

    Sensing this was getting out of hand, Jules held out their own gloved hand; it glew blue, and, as if by magic, a long Old Earth concert flute dotted with many keys appeared, semi-transparent and azure in its holographics; they held the instrument to their lips and played a jingle that was sharp enough to be annoying but melodic enough to be hummable. This jingle caught Ellie’s attention, who turned to Jules with abrupt curiosity. Jules then snapped their fingers; the flute faded like aerosol into atmosphere.

    There was a moment of silence.

    Gray was leaning back against the metal wall, no longer laughing, his dark hair tufted and ruffled, his face still streaked with his own blood—he wore the expression of someone playing the punching bag to a person who just had to let it all out. He no longer thought Ellie was a member of the Consortium—she had passed a number of internal checks, and he now believed her to be exactly who she said she was: a student in the wrong place at the wrong time; a student gifted in tomes and engineering. And so, the next words Gray spoke came from a place of sincerity: “I appreciate it—you saving us. I owe you big time. But you’re free to just walk out of here. I won’t tell anyone what happened—this was my problem, and it still is.” He flicked his wrists dismissively, as if gesturing a lighthearted joke. “I release you.”

    Ellie turned to face Gray once more. “You don’t get to release me! Do you think leaving solves anything? I’ll still know what happened! I won’t be able to live with myself! And if anyone finds out, I’ll be expelled from polytechnic—I’ll never be able to run for office or change things for the people stuck down here!”

    Gray’s brown eyes narrowed, and the corner of his lip curled as if he had some brilliant insight about Ellie’s character forming in his mind—an insight manufactured to overwrite the truth that he was envious of Ellie’s ability to care so deeply about human life when he himself cared so very little. He didn’t understand this care fully, but he understood it well enough to see that perhaps Ellie knew something he did not—something about life and its sacredness that he could not comprehend. At the very least, he thought, there was something fundamentally different between Ellie and himself, and this made him crack inside. Was she better, ideologically? This envy simmered into a soft rage beneath his projected persona of cool, and, intending to hide the rage with some insightful quip, he accidentally expressed it with the following words—words that cut to the truth he had made for himself, this false truth that calmed his envious mind, made him feel a little better, and filled him with dubious justification: “Is that what you really care about then—your standing at school?”

    Ellie stood glaring wildfire once more. She saw Gray’s face covered in blood, looking like a rabid wolf, ready to draw more blood with words if he could, and she knew this about him simply from the vitriolic tone of his question. She closed her wildfire eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, and when she opened them, they were verdant once more. She calmly walked to her fallen spanner, picked it up off the floor, detached the wires connected to the medical unit and the handgun, and then proceeded toward the only exit in the room, all without exchanging another word.

    But before Ellie could exit, her attention was captured by the dead man’s cargo pants, which started to rustle and buzz loudly. The fabric of the dead man’s pocket burst at the seams, and out flew a black ball the size of a fist. Its metal body reflected the space around it, and it seemed to have a mind of its own, floating as if magnetized opposite the floor. The ball buzzed around the room like an amphetamine bee, dodging modem towers and navigating webs of wire effortlessly. Ellie watched, her head tilted; Jules leapt for the thing, missing and landing flat on their face; Gray, a fearful look overtaking his faux stoicism, pulled out his whirring pen and whirred it in the direction of the flying ball, but the thing was much too fast to get a clear lock. The ball zoomed toward Ellie’s head, stopped just short of impact, then opened a small panel on its reflective surface and flashed a matrix of bright red, lighting up Ellie’s pale face, who tried to swat at the metal bug with her spanner, but it zoomed toward the exit with such force that it crashed through the metal door, leaving a sparking hole in its wake, zipping down the outer hallway, never to be seen again. Ellie was left rubbing red out of her eyes.

    “Necromone,” Gray said confidently, slipping the pen back into his coat. “Wasn't expecting that. Rare tech, haven't seen one in a while—mostly because they’re really expensive.”

    With one final rub, Ellie’s vision focused. Still angry, she let out a “Whatever” and approached the exit.

    Jules intercepted her, “It’s dangerous to go alone.”

    “You’re not going to let me leave?” Ellie proclaimed, placing one hand on the curve of her hip, spanner dangling from her other hand.

    Gray spoke, “The thing that scanned you—the Necromone—it profiled you, likely already sent everything back to Ursa Major.”

    “Ursa Major?” Ellie asked, side-eyeing the wolf.

    “The boss of Complex 42,” Gray replied, exaggerating the word “boss” with a tinge of sarcasm.

    “Zeus?” Ellie blinked.

    Gray laughed. “You really don’t get out much, do you? Spend too much time in classes, I guess.” He paused to pick up the fallen TatNos Medical Unit, sliding it into a large inner-coat pocket as he continued, “Complex 42 is controlled by the Callisto Consortium.”

    Ellie's single raised eyebrow revealed her curiosity, but her face was still flushed with frustration.

    “Consider yourself lucky not knowing about the Consortium. Every credit goes through them, one way or another. Cross them, intentional or not, and you’re dead—or their slave, in which case you might as well be dead.” Gray took a moment to brush muddy bangs from his dark eyes, parting his hair to the side, intentionally revealing a small keloid scar shaped like the letter C. “Some of us are born into it; barely anyone gets out; everything is about money; ‘pay, perform, or perish,’ that’s their catchphrase.” There was a pause before Gray ruffled his bangs once more, covering the scar. “I guess, depending on your circumstances, you may be able to avoid dealing with the Consortium growing up. But, since you live here—in a lowly complex underneath the stars—you can’t avoid them forever, so it’s about time you learned. I’m just sorry you had to learn this way.”

    “There’s no way I wouldn’t know about this.” Ellie looked incredulously between Gray and Jules. Her little bump of a gut told her that Jules was the more trustworthy of the two, so the singer’s serious expression helped alleviate some of her initial skepticism, as did Gray’s scar, but she was still doubtful. “The Pantheon would never allow another group to gain control like this. It’s ridiculous.”

    “Do you honestly believe that a bunch of Star Touched who call themselves ‘gods’ would really care about what goes on down here?” Gray’s tone was bitter, almost angry. “The Pantheon is up there in their starships, playing in literal gardens, eating Old Earth delicacies, while we’re down here withering on a radioactive desert planet surrounded by cold steel, subsisting on nothing but BioBars and mind-numbing drugs that they are supplying us!” His bitter tone morphed into mockery. “The ‘gods’ are gorging themselves while we’re slowly dying.”

    Ellie protested. “The Pantheon does care about us—even if some of them individually do not. The economy, and society as a whole, would collapse without complex workers. Plus, we elect them! Things might not be great right now, but they can be changed. We can vote!”

    Gray tilted his head down, a single hand covering his face all to hide a massive eye roll.

    Ellie’s scowl was stronger than ever, but so was her raised eyebrow. “If this Consortium really existed, it would be all over the Net. You can’t hide something like this.”

    This prompted a sharp laugh from Gray. “The Consortium are pros at wiping away their existence.” Gray scanned Ellie up and down, this time with a more critical eye. “What are you, seventeen, eighteen?”

    The non-sequitur irked Ellie, but the low estimate coaxed a grin out of her at the same time. “I’m twenty-two.”

    “Twenty-two years of ignorance. Lucky you.” Gray paused, a finger underneath his nose like a pretend mustache, thinking carefully about how to drill the seriousness of this situation into someone as stubborn as himself. “You know that mouse you ghosted?”

    Ellie’s poise broke, her shoulders sagging under the weight of shame. She spoke meekly. “Quit saying that.” She looked down and gripped the rubbery hilt of her spanner tighter than before. “My memory isn’t that bad.”

    “He was a Consortium operative. An Alkaid—footsoldier—I think. He attacked me in The Idyllic Garden, over a—” Gray’s thin lips pursed, the mask of confidence he wore so well now slipping, “—an old debt.” He then scanned the room, walked to the mouse’s long-barreled handgun, picked it up, analyzed every inch of it, nodded to himself, and then slid it into his coat before turning back to Ellie, whose attention was bound to the floor, as if speaking to cold metal with her mind.

    Ellie was formulating her next steps, preparing her mental talk track; once she believed herself to have it all worked out, she spoke with shaky conviction: “This is all a misunderstanding. I’m going to turn myself in to the Moral Agents. Explain everything. I was only attempting to stop a crime. The Complex Authority can pull the biometrics from the room and figure it out themselves. Easy.”

    There was a brief silence. Jules fiddled with their gloved hand, biting their thick bottom lip, eyes shifting back and forth from glove to Gray to Ellie and back, as if watching a pivotal drama play out between characters in Old Earth Broadway.

    “The Complex Authority is the Consortium,” Gray said, watching Ellie intently, trying to predict her thoughts, but he couldn’t even begin to guess; to Gray, the two seemed nothing alike apart from the stubbornness.

    The room’s electronic hum was as clear as cicadas on a holographic summer night. This hum vibrated all around Ellie, who stood peering over dark glasses at the metal below, her brow furrowing here and there, her grip on The Queen’s rubbery handle going from hard to soft and back again, as if this had a calming effect.

    Gray became impatient. “The point is, the Consortium thinks you killed one of their operatives. They won’t stop coming after you. That Necromone scanned you. They know you now—your name, your age, where you live, your DNA, your living relatives, the last time you took a piss, probably even your favorite band.”

    Ellie, overwhelmed, abruptly turned to the exit, nudged past Jules, pushed aside the chair, and made her way through the now holey, sparking door. The harsh light of the hallway contrasted with the darkness of the modem facility, temporarily blinding her; she went to cover her eyes but let out a loud sneeze instead. When she regained her vision, she looked down both ends of the hallway, a dead sign indicated HABITATION TERMINAL B to her left and FLOOR 3 CONCOURSE to her right. She turned right in a huff, soon finding herself in the massive Floor 3 hub of Complex 42.

    Ellie wandered through the hub, seeking a Moral Agent to confess her sins, but she only saw walls of chromatic steel stretching into misty vapor, dark swirling columns decorated with inert light-emitting diodes lined in endless rows, gigantic ducts, vents, and fans sucking and swirling high up in the walls and ceilings, occasionally blasting her with gelid winds as she passed. She saw once-moving walkways, now silent and still, mingling with hover chariot pathways, converging into intricate, circuit board-like mazes across the gunmetal expanse. She saw lost souls, all fetal against the chrome, their spirits burned into the retina displays of their plastic headsets. She saw dead neon signs on every wall and corner, and she read these signs in passing: PREGNANT? NO PROBLEM! and ALL TOMES MUST GO and SEE DEMONS: SYNTHETIC ABSINTHE and CYBER-SUSHI-24HR-BUFFET and SNOW SYNDROME TREATMENT and GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! and CHEAP INTELLECT ENHANCERS and REAL WATER NO WEIRD ADDITIVES and EZ LIMB REPLACEMENT and HEPHAESTUS’ HOVER CHARIOTS and ANY FLAVOR BIOBARS and GET GUNS QUICK: NO BACKGROUND CHECK and MECHANIZED OPTOMETRY YOU CAN TRUST and another that just read SWORDS. She broke into a jog, her rusty hair bouncing in tandem with her messenger bag as she searched for absolution, cold twisted neon unfolding with every step: BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!, CATALYSTS & TECHNO-MAGERIES, WHITE HOT NOVA TOPIC, PANTHEON OF POWER: FREE PULLS WITH EVERY PURCHASE. She shifted her head from side to side, searching for signs of life and non-life alike. ECHOS MYRON MEMORY BANK, CHEAP H CRYSTALS, FEEL GOOD INC., AUTO-CAT EMPORIUM, LIGHTLY USED HEADSETS & HOLOTABLES, and one near a seedy corner that just read SAD? :)—its purple-blue fluorescence flickered faintly, as if the complex’s auxiliary power fueled all sorrow on the planet regardless of circumstance and was happy doing so.

    Ellie had never seen the concourse so barren. She felt uneasy. She thought of the Consortium. How could she not know of the Consortium? She was aware of the major gangs of Complex 42—the Children of the Nightmare Kernel, the DDR69s, the Eliminator Jrs, the Boomslang Distribution, to name a few—so why was she just now learning of the Consortium? How could she go twenty-two years without hearing about them? Gray’s words repeated in her mind: “They know you now—your name, your age, where you live, your DNA, your living relatives.” She thought about Gigi. But it had to be nonsense, right? But what about Gigi? Is Gigi safe? Is she alive?

    Ellie’s mind flooded with Gigi, who was likely, at this moment, sitting on the hard cushions of the couch in the glorified box that was their living room, flipping through holos for something to watch now that Floor 3 was online, clueless about the trouble her granddaughter was getting into just a few terminal blocks away. Senile and nearly blind, unaware if someone had broken into their quarters, and likely to become insolent at the slightest provocation—a trait she passed on to Ellie—she was completely defenseless against any two-bit assassin this Consortium could throw their way.

    Ellie knew that if anything happened, it was her own fault, and, however irrational these thoughts may have been, they caused her to stop her fruitless jog through the dead neon to make a quick call. She lifted her hand to the frames of her glasses and started tapping, haptics vibrating the skin around her eyelids. There was a positive jingle, and then the ringing started, a ringing that only Ellie could hear, bouncing around inside her skull. It rang and rang and rang. The silence that followed twisted Ellie’s stomach into a knot, and this knot caused her to abruptly turn, dashing off in the opposite direction as fast as she could.

    Ellie nearly skid fire behind her as she turned the corner into the hallway from whence she had come just minutes before, rushing to the habitation terminal that lay just beyond one final turn. As she rounded the corner into Terminal B, the steel-gray walls of which were imprinted with the letter B and caked in stylized graffiti and band posters—JENOVAKILL, Audiovisual Adolescence, The Peggy Suicides—all yellowing and peeling at the edges, she thought for a moment that she had kicked up real flames as something brilliant and orange reflected off a nearby sign that read HABITATION TRANS-AM: TERMINAL B in dead glass. But it wasn’t Ellie’s shoes that had kicked up flame; it was someone else. Someone was playing with fire, and that someone was surrounded by a mass of people who stood odd-watching in awestruck quietus, drawn moth-like to flame. The fire rose higher than the tallest head in the crowd, butterflies and birds burned the oxygen above.

    Ellie, as if possessed by some supernatural force, forgot all about her grandmother and was compelled to approach the flame, to become one with the crowd; and when she did, the masses parted like the seas of Old Earth religious texts, revealing the solitary flame caller—a terminal performer. The performer stood majestic, flames exhaling from a part in their lips as if they had dragons in place of lungs. The flames were blown onto a long, curved blade, which then flicked the fire into the air, this time flashing a momentary constellation in the shape of a vicious bear that supernova’d into hundreds of smaller horses, which fizzled out as they galloped off somewhere near the massive industrial ceiling fans that spun so large that they could slice ancient giants in twain.

    The performer towered over the masses, standing nearly seven feet tall. They wore a tan, pyramid-shaped hat woven with synthetic bamboo; the tip added inches to the performer’s already incredible height, and the wide, sunken brim obscured their eyes and cast long shadows over their square face. They wore a long, dark blue robe over their mountainous, masculine shoulders; the robe itself was threaded with many golden moons—from new to crescent to quarter to gibbous to full—and these moons played amongst smoky clouds that were so amorphous they seemed to billow and burst at even the slightest wave of the fabric. Around the performer’s waist was a simple brown rope, tied tightly above the hips, which produced a subtle hourglass shape to the performer’s imposing figure. Tied on the left of the belt was a long, curved sheath of glossy black, itself dotted with golden moons. The sheath was empty, as the performer held the blade at their side while blowing flames from their mouth after taking long sips from a jug imprinted with a single foreign symbol on its tan surface. The blade, which Ellie assumed was a katana of Old Earth Russian make—or so she had read on the Net—was longer and more curved than any she had seen before, with a circular golden guard that separated the glistening steel—of which the metal was both like a black hole and a sea of silver—from the hilt, which was the size of a short sword all wrapped in midnight-blue cloth.

    Both the performer’s fire-breathing and strikingly foreign aesthetic captured Ellie’s attention, but what she thought most interesting of all was the performer’s shoes, which were simple raised sandals made of synthetic wood that hooked around the performer’s large, brown feet with a single red strap, reinforcing Ellie’s impression that this was, indeed, a terminal performer on the clock, as they were wholly unequipped for everyday complex life otherwise—after all, Old Earth blades were considered antiques for a reason: they couldn’t withstand a single hecatonic blast.

    Ellie was suddenly overcome by great shame; she had forgotten all about her grandmother, however momentary, and this realization broke the performer’s spell on her. She stepped backward twice in a daze before turning completely, intent on hurrying home. But she only made it a few feet before she felt an extreme heat on the back of her neck, which caused her to turn toward the performer, who had blown a large flame directly at her. The blaze billowed out just inches away from her face, singeing at least two freckles and frizzing the tips of her already fiery tresses. When the flame vanished and the smoke cleared, she found her eyes locked upon those of the terminal performer. But the performer’s eyes were like nothing she had seen before: white stars, dead television, holes in space. A tingle ran down her spine, her body locked up, and her right hand tensed on the grip of her spanner. As soon as she froze, the crowd unfroze, as if snapping out of a magicked reverie in unison, everyone looking around at each other with their wild haircuts and grafted metal, all confused, as if they didn’t know how they had gotten there. Then the crowd dispersed, leaving Ellie face-to-face, frozen, with the terminal performer holding the longest curved blade she had ever seen in her life.

    There was silence in the ghost terminal.

    Ellie’s mind was working, but her body would not cooperate. She realized she wasn’t breathing, and this caused a mental panic that was only made worse by the performer’s next words.

    “Pay. Perform. Perish.”

    Ellie’s eyes would have gone wide if she could have moved them at all. A million thoughts raced through her mind in the span of ten seconds, and she tried to grab only the most important ones: the words the performer used—they were the same words Gray used to describe the Consortium: pay, perform, perish. So Gray was telling the truth, unless this was a practical joke—but no, that’s not important; she discarded that thought. What’s important? What was this man doing to her? That’s important. He wasn’t holding a hecatonic device that could cause paralysis like this, unless it was the sword, but the sword looked antique, classical. Maybe he drugged her without her noticing? The fire? Something in that tan jug? But this seemed to happen after she made eye contact with the man. But those eyes, those white eyes—blind? Some sort of fleshy machinery—inserts?—maybe a hypnotic sine wave or a subliminal message? She had never seen or read anything like this. No, the reason doesn’t matter—or does it? What matters is that she’s stuck, unable to move. But was she really? Perhaps this was all mental; she tested this theory: tried to move her hands, tried to tighten her fist, but it was of no use. She wanted to close her eyes, lose herself in darkness, formulate a plan of some sort, but she couldn’t close her damned eyes. She had so many thoughts. Useless thoughts. She became flustered, frustrated. Hopelessness set in. She felt a cosmic dread wash over her at the sudden realization of her own fragility—immortality, lost. “How immature was I.” She was going to die. Then panic set in. She knew Gigi would be next. Images of Gigi’s head rolling on the floor, a bloody path behind it like the slime trail of an Old Earth snail. Her grandmother’s old, faded eyes blinked up at her from the floor as she stood helpless, unable to move. The pit in her stomach became so wide that her brain fell through it. She became thoughtless.

    And then her vision went black.

    Within the inky dark, she saw a faded green bump map of a three-dimensional face poking through voidant space. Ellie felt as if she were standing in the void, watching this bumpy face as it tried to push its way through a thick cloth of pitch black, its light barely poking through, leaving only an outline. The experience would have been frightening, but there was a strange familiarity to it all, similar to bio-circuiting into the HyperNet, and this put Ellie at ease.

    The bump map face, still unrecognizable, started to glitch wildly, and suddenly a cacophony of noise erupted throughout the void. The noise was like the sound of machines being murdered. Amidst the hellish clamor, there were faint voices—one voice, many voices; it was hard to tell. But as the noise continued, Ellie was able to pick out the phonetic sounds, assemble them in her mind, and make meaning from the chaos.

    XX?/s/dfs/dfs/??G?Sdgsdgsgsgs//!!!!!!!!!!!!/WEGwegCANYOUHEARwgw2@!%@!#%@THIS!#$!#@66IMPORTANT!#@5123fdsaMOMENT53564xzczxTURNINGrwetwPOINTqwr13r$^3453365//wnANCIENThtn/2352352/5gasdBREAKf2439ut2352!23526Xx@#%@!#%52352CURSEgaweg42g////////////////GEKKOMAHI/////////////////fqf243324623476sad&^&4573w5THINKITdsfdsagasdgFEELITqwr3qr1524720194514t55@GRAYS#%0^$#&$..12.JULES4124/GONE1/STILL12/4142-12DEADsdgdsag41024AN294IMTHEasfasfONLY2358ONExxqtegLEFTxsaxXNOW3u3215151Iefwegwq@253235sad235626326213t521ewwTHEefxxEGGxxafw2t42q4652641

    Gekko Mahi. These words stood out, but what did they mean? Ellie, in this voidant world, this mindspace, stepped toward the twitching, bumpy face; it was as big as a star in this black hole realm. Ellie spoke like an Old Earth monkey trying to communicate with a god. “What does it mean? Gekko Mahi?”

    As she thought these final words, she snapped back to her senses, finding herself once more in Terminal B. She reflexively stepped back in real time and space, lifting her spanner into a defensive stance, disheveled but hiding it well. The terminal performer stood before her, emotionless, but something in his posture indicated a level of surprise that mirrored Ellie’s own—she could move again, but how?

    The performer, a veritable swordsman, lifted his long steel and pointed it directly at Ellie, who was slowly stepping back, making sure not to make eye contact with the man. He spoke, his voice deep but calm, as if hiding the fact that he could tear down a mountain with a single shout. “Pay. Perform. Perish.”

    “Never,” Ellie said. She meant to wave her spanner in front of her, but instead accidentally looked into the performer’s eyes, which rigored her body, locking her in place once again. She cursed herself mentally.

    The swordsman slowly walked toward Ellie, the sharp tip of his blade sparking against the floor. There was a hesitation in the man’s approach, but not from fear—more from curiosity. This curiosity quickly vanished in one elegant motion as the blade flashed vertically through Ellie’s frozen body.

    But Ellie had already figured it out: “Gekko Mahi.”

    In an instant, Ellie clasped the rubbery grip of her spanner with both hands, holding it like the horizon, the swordsman’s blade caught on the nearly indestructible black vanadium of the spanner’s shaft. The blade appeared still, but the wrench shook violently, typhoon-force waves sending ripples up the skin of Ellie’s arms; the adrenaline pumping through her veins made her unaware of the blood dripping from her palms as she held the blade back, her meek muscles bulging, drool dripping from her lower lip. Seconds passed before Ellie was able to shift the force of the blade slightly to the left, breaking posture; the swordsman was nearly unfazed, but the force sent Ellie stumbling backward several feet, nearly slamming her back against a wall plastered with Old Earth brick decals. The wall turned into a thin hallway that dead-ended into a garbage chute. She took this opportunity to slip around the turn, pressing her back against the wall in a quick attempt to gather her composure. Thoughts of getting back to Gigi—doing it for her—kept her focused and calmed her nerves. She kneeled slightly, placing one hand on the fake brick behind her, flipping her spanner to view the now cracked LCD—25%—and pressed an up arrow that cycled through words before she settled on one with a nod.

    Ellie poked her head out from behind the fake brick to catch a glimpse of the swordsman, who was iconic in his slow, silent stride, his blue robe flowing like midnight waves reflecting serious moonlight on a beach with a hurricane just one mile out. She knew she had to act quickly, incapacitate the man, make her escape down Terminal B, hopefully without killing him. But she lacked confidence in her hecatonic shock after the last incident—but what choice did she have? The calm of seconds before started to slip away, but Ellie remembered Gigi’s words from when she was young, playing at the Recreational Facility for Children on Floor 7, when she leaped from platform to platform without a hint of hesitation—”My little Elpis, recklessly confident, as always!“—and Ellie figured this was a good trait to have when facing off against a fire-breathing moon assassin without an exit strategy. Her confidence returned, and after a single gulp, she jumped out from cover and called lightning; crackling lines of lime green sparked in the air between her and the swordsman, who merely lifted his long blade vertically, one hand on the hilt and another in half-prayer on the steel. All the electricity began to pull into the black side of the blade as if it were some sort of magnetic energy vampire. The sword's silver metal pulsed green, as if it had its fill of sparks, and in the next instant, a silver flash returned the green lightning back at Ellie in the shape of a crescent moon.

    The resulting shock dropped Ellie to the hard floor, convulsing on her side in the wild agony of 1,200 volts. Her high-pitched scream echoed down the terminal hall.

    The swordsman, without a single word, unclipped the jug from his belt, took a sip, then flicked the contents of the jug toward Ellie's now quivering figure. He blew a wicked flame that caught the spilled contents around Ellie, encircling her in a ring of fire, as if she were a demon being sealed. The swordsman stepped through the flame, unaffected. He towered above Ellie, who, through great strength of will, had managed to writhe her way through the electric pain, bringing herself to a crouch. She tilted her head up to get a glimpse of the man, forgetting about his deathly orbs, and found herself locking eyes with him once more, which froze her solid. But she thought the words—Gekko Mahi—and regained control, falling to her bottom and pushing herself with hands and feet to the far edge of the burning circle.

    “Interesting,” the swordsman said to himself before sheathing his long blade, the curved sheath nearly touching the floor. He peered down at Ellie through eyes tuned to a dead channel—Ellie was unsure what he was actually seeing—then he spoke the words once more, as if offering another chance: “Pay. Perform. Perish.”

    Ellie, flames reflecting deviously off her flecked face, covertly tapped a button on her spanner, making sure not to look up at the man. “I told you my answer!” Ellie smirked as she lifted the spanner; a green hand shot out of its ring—Hecatome: God Hand—the emerald hand was massive and attempted to clench around the swordsman.

    “Odachi: Gekko!”

    An instantaneous flash of light left a circular afterimage in the shape of a golden crescent in the space between the swordsman and Ellie, and the hand of god shattered like porcelain, leaving only a green mist behind; the ghost moon soon faded, too, leaving only a gold vapor in its wake; the swordsman stood majestic amidst the golden green, his sword drawn in a vertical two-handed grip, the flat side close to his face.

    Ellie looked at the swordsman; wide-eyed, medusa'd, defeated.

    The swordsman flashed one final flash into Ellie’s frozen figure.

    There was a loud blast; the terminal walls flared red. At the same time, the swordsman’s blade arm twisted into a defensive posture over his face, dragging steel along with it, red vapor trailing from the silver side of the blade; a smoking hole appeared in the wall behind him. The swordsman’s head tilted toward the far hallway, from which Ellie had arrived earlier, and there stood The Wolf Itself—Gray—arm outstretched, long-barreled handgun in hand, red vapor dancing ballet from the barrel. He shouted across the hall while wiggling the handgun slightly, “No BRM!”

    Beside The Wolf stood The Artist—Jules—ethereal blue flute in hand, blonde hair covering one side of their face.

    With the swordsman’s attention diverted, Ellie quickly got to her feet and, with reckless abandon of which Gigi would be proud, ran as fast as she could through the circle of fire, her arms covering her face in a cross, spanner pressed against her chest. She gambled that the swordsman would not cut her down right then and there, and her gamble paid off as she skid to a stop near Jules, who looked at her with a rare seriousness before speaking in a whisper, “He felt bad.”

    Ellie returned Jules' glance with an uncertain smile before a burning sensation on her hip made her acutely aware of the flame smoldering on her cargo pants; the sound of frantic patting disrupted the silence between all parties: Gray, gun pointed at the circle of fire, his smirk fading into stoicism; Jules, holo flute raised to their lips, as if ready to play a solo; and Ellie, now done with her patting, holding The Spanner of Queens in front of her chest in something of a contrived action pose. The three of them stood protagonistically, as if they had just leapt out of a holotable game, and the whole thing felt dreamlike to Ellie, who was trying very hard not to think too deeply about the situation, lest her reckless confidence turn into sudden hyperventilation.

    The swordsman walked slowly through the flaming wheel, his robe unscathed, his expression unfazed, a blaze of dancing fire along the edge of his blade. Odachi: Kagero. The flame wheel fizzled out behind him.

    Gray spoke softly, “Ellie, on three, I want you to throw out your best tome, then turn around and run for your life—oh, and hold your nose.”

    Ellie’s eyebrow raised at the nose bit. She side-eyed Gray and Jules, throwing her voice, “He’s got this thing—a tome maybe, I’m not sure—freezes you.” She noticed both Jules and Gray were focused on the swordsman’s feet, not his face, as if they already knew. “The words ‘Gekko Mahi’ seem to break the spell.”

    “One…” Gray flipped a switch on the gun’s grip, a faded crystal discharging from the bottom panel, which fell into his free hand and was swiftly pocketed. The swordsman drew closer. “Two…” Gray hurled the gun at the swordsman, and as quickly as it was thrown, it was sliced in two, the pieces whizzing past the swordsman’s head, small explosions sparking as they impacted the wall behind him. “Three…” Gray’s coat hand emerged, holding a small tan ball with a rudimentary fuse burning near the end; he lobbed it at the swordsman, and it exploded into a dank cloud that engulfed the halls of Terminal B.

    Ellie gagged at the pungent smoke but managed to wave her spanner through the gross cloud, weaving an opaque barrier before the party; it was the size of two men standing atop each other and as thick as the densest emerald. Hecatome: Mighty Guard. The wall moved slowly toward the swordsman, hovering just inches off the ground, growing larger with each passing moment. Jules then blew a sharp note on their flute, which reverberated into a shrill cacophony, as if a siren had been summoned into the hall.

    Noses pinched, the party bolted down the hallway.

    “That’s Zale! Trained Parivir—whatever that means!” Gray shouted mid-sprint, his voice funny as he held his nose, his coat lashing at the nasty smoke that spiraled down the narrow hallway. “We’re no match. Gotta lose him.” Still sprinting. “Guy’s blind—had to mess with his senses a little bit.”

    Questions flooded Ellie’s mind as she ran alongside Jules and Gray. Where were they going? What about Gigi? Was she safe? Ellie could feel her stomach knotting again, but she didn’t have time to dwell on it because, in the very next moment, a great pillar of flame rose before them, spreading into a wall of fire that blocked the hallway from wall to wall.

    “Run through it!” Gray yelled, ducking his head as he sprinted faster.

    “Meow!” Jules shouted, preparing to leap feline as they approached the flames.

    Ellie gulped.

    As they closed in on the wall of fire, a sudden gale launched them backward. Ellie’s spanner twirled through the air, landing several feet away, and her circular glasses went flying with such force that they shattered before even reaching the floor. Miscellaneous items from Gray’s coat scattered ceilingward, each chiming as they hit the metal floor below. Jules was like a cat caught in a tornado before being thrown against a wall.

    Zale stood where the fire once burned, blade drawn. How he got there was anyone’s guess. Ellie regained composure just enough to see that Zale was walking toward her, so she fumbled around the floor for her wand, but it was much too far away. Her legs were weak from the attack, she was unable to stand, but she tried, and this only toppled her further, putting her in an even worse position with her back against the wall. A sharp melody rang out—it was Jules—but the melody was cut short as the swordsman’s odachi, with supernatural precision, flashed across Jules’ gloved hand, causing the flute to blink out of existence, leaving only a trail of sparks behind.

    Gray hurried to his feet and rushed Zale, holding something like a hilt without a blade, the only item he could find in his coat pockets; but Zale closed the distance for him, palm striking the wolf’s stomach and slamming him into the wall with a yelp.

    “My contract is only for the girl,” Zale spoke solemnly from within the shadow of his bamboo hat. He afterimaged to Ellie’s fallen frame, blade drawn, the tip less than an inch away from the young woman’s forehead; yet this still placed Zale over four feet away from her. “She has some promise, but she has refused the offer.”

    Ellie kept her head down, avoiding eye contact, insane options racing through her head until she realized that she had no options left except for the worst ones. She gulped. “If I accept…” Her voice meek, defeated. “If I perform…” A single tear turned into a chime on the cold steel below. “What will happen to my—”

    Gray’s shout echoed down the hall—“Article 16 of the Callisto Covenant!”—like magic words that commanded Zale to click his blade back into its sheath. “I accept her blood debt,” the wolf said, now standing tall, gusts of air from a nearby vent whipping his coattails all around, his dark hair a windy mess.

    “No!” Ellie shouted, overcome by dread. “Whatever you’re doing—stop!”

    Gray ignored her plea. “Zale, you and I both know she has no say in this—she’s not a member of the Consortium.”

    Zale nodded, his large-brimmed hat tipping along.

    “Transfer her debt to me.”

    Zale was silent for a tense ten seconds before he spoke. “Look at me, Wolf.”

    Gray shifted his gaze to the swordman’s white orbs but was not paralyzed.

    “The killing of a Consortium agent comes with a great price.” The swordsman placed a dark hand on his left ear, pausing as if listening to something only he could hear. “We doubt you can afford it.”

    “I’m good for it. Just scored big off a recent job.” Gray hoped that the slight tensing of his shoulders went unnoticed as he feigned alpha wolf confidence.

    “And there are other crimes of which you are guilty.”

    “I’ll settle those too.”

    Ellie, stumbling to her feet, inserted herself between the two men. She faced Gray, her hooked nose scrunched in anger. “I don’t need a white knight, you moron!” she shouted, but Gray responded only with a sideways glare. Jules watched from the nearby wall, big ocean eyes shifting back and forth between all three parties. “Jules, you’re his friend, right? Tell him to stop!” Ellie gestured toward the musician, but they said nothing.

    After a tense feeling of forever, Zale’s hand lowered from his ear to rest on the pommel of his great blade. “The Consortium has agreed to the terms outlined in Article 16 of the Callisto Covenant. The debt has been transferred—all six million credits' worth.”

    To anyone else, Gray’s posture was unchanged, but to Zale, who lived and breathed even the most minute atomic shifts, the wolf’s rigid stance relaxed; and this made Zale smile an unusual smile before he tipped his hat with a single dark digit and said, “You have three days to pay the debt—the Consortium will give you no more chances, Wolf.”

    Ellie blinked, and just like that, the swordsman was gone. She wasn’t even sure how he left; he just wasn’t there anymore.


Chapter 4

Artwork by ComicFarm.


#TheEgg #Fiction