I'm Not an Addict
My wife says I’m an alcoholic; she’s wrong. I think about drinking alcohol constantly, but it’s okay because I’m high-functioning, and it doesn’t impact my work or the way I treat my family; I only drink after the sun goes down, and I try to drink only on the weekends, but also sometimes when I have a stressful day at work or when I’m really happy or when a great thing happens (like a promotion) because I deserve to treat myself to a good time once in a while. I also write better when I’m drunk, and it makes me more sociable; that last part is key because I would be an insufferable loser if I didn’t drink at social outings. It’s sad but true: people only like me when I’m drunk. I’m outgoing, witty, and fun to be around when I drink; more articulate. I don’t hate my friends when I drink, and I don’t get frustrated as much, and other people drink way more than I do. If I was a true alcoholic, I would be like my neighbor, who once tried to choke me for telling a tongue-in-cheek-joke about calling the cops on her (“What did you just say? You’re going to do what? Are you serious? How could you even say that?”) but really it was because she mixed vodka and risperdal which the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) officially advises against: “you should know that alcohol can add to the drowsiness caused by this medication. Do not drink alcohol while taking risperidone.” I think it’s safe to say that I’m not like her; she got so wasted one night that, after a vicious fight with her husband, violently backed the car out of her driveway into a mailbox then proceeded to drive around the neighborhood nearly hitting a child before having the police called; the police got her out of the car after much effort and arrested her after she called them all manner of racial epithets and generally not-nice-stuff. Somehow she got out of jail the same night, and two months later the same thing happened, and then it happened again, and again. During the course of writing this essay, I heard her screaming seven times (so far); our houses are close but not that close. She is loud. I am not like her. She can’t even hold a job. If I stopped drinking, I would likely lose my job because alcohol helps me deal with the crippling reality of nine-to-five-all-the-time; besides, how is drinking any different than needing your spouse to be home at 6 pm eastern so you can watch the next episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit together every Wednesday? How is drinking any different than waking up in the morning and needing that special cup of coffee with two sugars? Is that not an addiction as well? We stare at screens all day: smartphones, televisions. It’s all an addiction and if I’m an addict – you are too, so it’s OK.
(Originally published on 10/7/2023)