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the ugly organ cover

The Ugly Organ is the most self-loathing album I have ever heard in my life, and I love it.

The album starts with a slide of organ keys into a carnival melody that sounds like riding a merry-go-round on the second circle of hell—“The Ugly Organist”—complete with faint screaming that builds to a shrill fever pitch before being abruptly cut off by four angry cracks of a snare drum into a burst of discordant guitars asphyxiated by an oppressive cello being bowed at breakneck speed. Within the barely two-minute runtime of “Some Red Handed Sleight of Hand,” Tim Kasher sings—atop frantic cello, organ fire, and violent drums—over 150 words comparing himself to a hypocritical reverend who “spews his sweet and salty sermon on the audience” whilst not following a single word of his own advice; Kasher then asks himself: “Why do I think I’m any different? I’ve been making money on my indifference.”

“Sing along, I'm on the ugly organ again. Sing along, I'm on the ugly organ, so let's begin.”

This is the crux of the record: a vicious attack on the self. The Ugly Organ is a record that hates itself—and I mean, really hates itself—led by a frontman who despises everything that he’s doing and more, which is namely selling his own heartache via records and show tickets, drawing inspiration from his own recent bitter divorce#1 and sometimes just manufacturing his own misfortune, all to keep the fans screaming his band's name at shows, which makes him feel sick. And even though he hates himself for it, he keeps doing it anyway. The Ugly Organ is an exploration of the concept of selling out, told from the perspective of a self-aware sellout who wants to stop selling out but just can’t help himself. The Ugly Organ is an album about creating art not for yourself, but for others—for fame, fortune, and validation. This is a concept album through and through, written as a tragedy to be performed on a stage, with each sorry track transitioning into the next like one scene to another. But it’s not just a concept album—it's a message that any artist can relate to. It feels autobiographical. It feels deeply personal. It feels real.

“A couple hymns of confession, and songs that recognize our sick obsessions.”

“Some Red Handed Sleight of Hand” flows into “Art is Hard,” and this is where the gloves come off and all is laid bare. “Art is Hard” fully utilizes Gretta Cohn’s mastery of the cello to create a bleak baroque tragedy, like looking into a circus mirror and seeing only a twisted monster staring back—a twisted monster that claims they’re an artist but is actually a total fraud playing pretend. Kasher yells scathing rebukes in the third person, but he's not kidding anyone; he proclaims that he “falls in love to fail, to boost his CD sales” and that “the crowds may be catching on to the self-inflicted songs” and that he has to “sink to swim” and that he has to keep “regurgitating sorry tales about a boy who sells his love affairs” and that he has to “impersonate greater persons” because “we all know art is hard when we don’t know who we are,” because, at the end of the day, when you get on the stage and the crowd screams your name—“Oh, Cursive is so cool!”—it all just feels so good, and you are driven to repeat yourself over and over. This is all laced with thick irony, and wrapped in both post-punk and hardcore sensibilities with staccato cello edge and jarring, banshee-like guitar tones, amounting to a full-on attack of the senses, equal parts aural and psychic as hell. And this bitter questioning of self—this sordid tale of self-loathing and selling out—is one of the most popular songs on the record, the type of song that inspires real people in real crowds to shout “Cursive is so cool!” during the “Cursive is so cool!” part, without realizing the irony made manifest by doing the very thing that the lyrics are so contemptuous of.

“Keep churning out those hits, 'til it's all the same old shit.”

Cursive came to prominence in the early 2000s alongside groups like The Faint and the now-legendary Bright Eyes, the latter of which led by Conor Oberst, all of which were on the same label, Saddle Creek, founded by Justin Oberst—Conor’s brother—which formed a small collective of talented musicians from Omaha, Nebraska. Bright Eyes, with their soft acoustics, dubious saccharinity, and Conor’s uniquely poetic lyricism reminiscent of a drug-addled schoolboy with well-off parents who is also incurably white and very much wants to be Bob Dylan, landed Saddle Creek smack dab in Midwest Suburban Whiteboy Emo Music of Middling Quality territory, which wasn’t far from the truth at first. But after about three minutes into The Ugly Organ, anyone familiar with Cursive's previous three albums could tell something very weird was going on; we weren't in Nebraska anymore: this wasn’t the High School True Love Break Up music people had come to expect from Saddle Creek; this was Hate Myself for Singing High School True Love Break Up Music music accompanied by a crazy talented orchestra of ego-shredding strings and hellfire organs.

“Cut it out, your self-inflicted pain, is getting too routine.”

With the fourth track on the album—”The Recluse”—Tim Kasher goes right back to his old tricks, singing of the same sordid love affairs that he criticized just moments ago. “The Recluse” is a softer composition more reminiscent of what Saddle Creek listeners have come to expect, only with a jarring sparseness like that of The Cure’s “Lullaby,” with a picked guitar lead that lulls you into an intricate web and long-drawn cello notes like the theme song of the black recluse that's about to eat you. The whole thing is like being blissfully unaware that you're being devoured after being slowly swathed and made stupid with venom.

“You're in my web now. I’ve come to wrap you up tight 'til it’s time to bite down.”

I fell into the web of The Ugly Organ early in life. I was born in Atlanta, Georgia, in 1991, where I was surrounded by a confusing dichotomy of So So Def hip-hop and deep south country music, of which I’ve had my fill. (And decades later, these genres converged into the horrifying chimera of “country rap,” which I try to avoid like a pox.) When my mother moved closer to Florida in 2004, to a town with its own venue for hardcore shows, I fell in with the burgeoning “scene” crowd and discovered a multitude of bands I had never heard before, many of which were either too loud—Underoath, Alexisonfire, Chiodos—or too soft—Bright Eyes, Dashboard Confessional, Iron & Wine—or just too embarrassing—The Starting Line, Hawthorne Heights, Matchbook Romance—for me to truly get into. But, of course, as an impressionable thirteen-year-old kid, I pretended to like them all. I was a chameleon. I wanted to fit in so badly. I pretended so hard that I got a full-body picture of myself on a two-page spread dedicated to the “scene/emo phenomenon” in my school’s yearbook—I was the only picture—with labels and arrows pointing to my ripped-at-the-knees skinny jeans, long-in-the-front-short-in-the-back swoop haircut, patched-and-pinned messenger bag, and forlorn expression as if my still-beating heart had just been torn straight from my chest. (No, I am not making this up.) And, of course, I was embarrassed by the whole yearbook thing immediately after agreeing to do it and, as such, didn’t buy a copy; and I couldn’t find the thing online—so, unfortunately for you, dear reader, I don’t have that very mortifying picture to share with you, but the whole thing does illustrate that I had some self-awareness of my own fakery, even at a young age. But, regardless of all that, I liked to think that I was more than just some scenester, as I had a broader taste in music than the average “emo” kid, having dabbled in 80s pop and art rock for some time after a brief obsession with in-game just-driving-around-listening-to-the-very-80s-radio in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City for hours while being high on child-approved amphetamines. What I’m trying to get at is: I was ripe for The Ugly Organ when it was released in 2003, but it was very much the black sheep of the emo scene at that time; everyone liked “The Recluse” and “Art is Hard,” but the rest of the album was considered kinda strange by the scenester elite, a bit too high-brow, a bit too artsy. But it wasn’t too high-brow for me—I was primed for The Ugly Organ, and it quickly became one of my favorite albums; and, at the time, I thought I understood it—the fact that Tim Kasher could point to himself and say what I heard as, “I’m a monster, haha! Look how self-aware I am! It’s cool to hate yourself!” was, to me, very cool indeed.

“They want to hear my deepest sins, the songs from The Ugly Organ.”

“Herald! Frankenstein” and “Butcher the Song” follow “The Recluse” as a return to the introspective self-loathing from earlier on the record, as if apologizing for regurgitating the same sordid-love-affair bullshit that he so strongly lambasted just minutes before. “Herald! Frankenstein” serves as the interlude to “Butcher the Song,” which is three minutes of the most woe-is-me, self-revulsion ever captured on an early 2000s emo-adjacent recording; the introduction, with cello like the stalking of a great white shark accented with echoing steel percussion, creates a harrowing atmosphere of anticipatory dread before exploding in the same dreadful cadence atop Kasher’s lyrical butcher knife that relentlessly hacks away at his own contrived persona. Before this, it could have been argued that the songs were about a character—The Ugly Organist—but this facade slips away as Kasher tears down the fourth wall and starts referring to himself directly: “So rub it in with your dumb lyrics. Yeah, that's the time and place to wring out your bullshit. And each album I'll get shit on a little more, 'Whose Tim's latest whore? Now, that's not fair—no, that's just obscene. I'll stop speaking for you if you stop speaking for me.” The veil has been lifted. The Ugly Organist is speaking directly on behalf of Tim, or vice versa—it’s impossible to tell because they’re both the same person.

“What a day to sever such ugly extremities. ‘What a lovely day,’ says the butcher as he raises his arm.”

Tim then turns around and does the exact same thing he was so critical of—again—belting out two more ballads about failed relationships. “Driftwood: A Fairy Tale” churns with the same lullaby energy as “The Recluse,” only this time comparing himself to Pinocchio in a relationship in which the spark has died, and he is now bored of his partner but insists that nothing is wrong while continuing to lie about still being in love, his nose growing each time he “proves it,” before being found out and cast out to sea as driftwood. “A Gentleman Caller” follows like a hurricane of punches to the face, the cello being bowed so aggressively that it sounds like a trumpet and the distortion on the guitar amp turned to eleven in what amounts to my favorite song on the record; a three-minute mood swing, the first half representing the visceral beginnings of a love affair both musically and literally—”You say you want to get even? You say you want to get your bad man good? Well, are you in the mood?”—where the guitar and the cello converge so well that it’s almost impossible to figure out where one ends and the other begins; and the second half representing the somber morning after, regretfully lying in bed next to the gentleman caller who just smooth-talked you into one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

“I'm not looking for a lover, all those lovers are liars…”

“A Gentleman Caller,” “Driftwood: A Fairytale,” and “The Recluse” can be taken as examples of the sellout songs Kasher bemoans on “Art is Hard”; songs about personal love affairs and misery that cash in and boost record sales, all designed to be chanted by an audience of sycophants; and considering the context these songs find themselves in bed with, it’s not a coincidence that they function in this manner. These songs were perfectly positioned to be catchy, emo-adjacent, chantable hits containing subject matter that the fans wanted, but they are positioned within such a clever milieu of self-awareness and loathing that it makes the songs feel as if they’re tongue-in-cheek and fully aware of themselves. Tim Kasher knows what he’s doing; he’s playing the audience a little bit, but he’s also using this vehicle of self-hatred to continue doing what he has always done: sing about the misery he so hates to sing about. In a way, he’s found a clever way to cheat the system. The Ugly Organ proves this out with every song; it is one of the most self-hating, woe-is-me albums ever recorded—and, in a way, one of the most self-indulgent albums ever recorded because of it. It is so steeped in Tim Kasher’s own self that, on the surface, it’s hard not to see The Ugly Organ as some sort of post hoc justification of his own bullshit. But is it really that shallow? Is it that easy to hand-wave away? Well, I’ve only covered the first half of the record—and I’m not about to come to your own conclusions for you.

“My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it.”

In many ways, Cursive’s The Ugly Organ and I were made for each other. We're both unflaggingly self-aware, cynical, and critical of everything—especially ourselves. If you have read any of my previous work, you know that it's steeped in self-hatred, self-mockery, and critical—sometimes unfair—analysis of my own bullshit, while at the same time bemoaning the fact that I can’t seem to shut up about those same things; as if one of the many reasons I hate myself is because these are the only things I have to talk about, and The Ugly Organ sits in that same psychic space. The Ugly Organ and I are a match made in heaven. And when I first heard The Ugly Organ—when I was much younger—I thought I had the album all figured out. I thought it was very cool to hate myself, to point out my own flaws and revel in the fact that I was able to detest myself with such poignant clarity; in a way, I still think it’s cool: I have the utmost respect for those who are brutally honest about themselves, those who know their own bullshit and call it out, and this is certainly one of the appeals of The Ugly Organ. But simply being able to point these things out isn’t cool in and of itself—it’s only cool when you do something productive with that information. You can't wallow in self-hatred forever—you would stagnate, get nothing done, and drag everyone down around you. You have to do something with the negative energy—you have to use it to build a better you.

“The organ’s playing my song, but this song’s gone on too long.”

It tracks that the more self-aware an animal becomes, the more they tend to hate themselves. Surely, the human condition is a complicated thing, counterintuitive almost. We are born into these flesh balloons packed full of mushy organs, all working in tandem to keep us alive, but one of these organs seemingly works against our best interest, enabling us to hate ourselves, makes us want to die; that ugly organ is none other than the brain. The fact that the brain can make us loathe ourselves with every fiber of our being seems to contradict the perhaps evolutionary drive to not suck on the end of a revolver and end it all. But underneath great ugliness is often some terrible truth just waiting to be uncovered. Maybe the brain, when it tells us something horrible about ourselves, is trying to show us something, something true about ourselves, something that needs to be addressed, something that needs to be changed. Maybe the ugly organ is only ugly so that we may use that ugliness as motivation to better ourselves and the world around us.

Or maybe Cursive’s The Ugly Organ is literally just about large keyboards with pipes—who knows?

You have to listen to the record in full to find out.

References:

#1. https://www.talkhouse.com/artist/tim-kasher/

#Music #Cursive #Autobiographical

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Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4


    A mass of people, resembling a legion of corpses absorbing each other then spitting each other out only to absorb each other again, blobbed before a dimly lit stage of swirling vapors. Faint colors spotlighted the crowd in a pattern indistinguishable from random. People of all sorts: some in bright neon clothing with afros and mohawks both faux and spiked, some with undercuts and faded stripes, some with pieces of metal grafted into their skulls and eyes made entirely of machine parts, others pristine like mod royalty in dapper suits and flowing dresses, all the genders and more, some wearing holographic projections—cats, reptiles, koalas, a red mouse, little green men, pandas, and even a fox or two, some on leashes held by other holo animal people—all screaming and shouting and yelling and pushing each other around. Weightless and very glowy letters of pure energy floated above the masses, spelling “THE IDYLLIC GARDEN.” The whole place smelled arterial: sweatshop-esque, synthetic wine, slime, grime; some were having a good time, others were not; the walls of the place randomly illuminated to reveal those in the fetal position wearing thick headsets, some rocking back and forth, some just splayed out drooling. Truly there were all kinds.

    An uncanny voice, both comical and intimidating, a few octaves too high, blasted on the loudspeaker:

    “Introducing The Peggy Suicides!”

    The announcement controlled the chaos for a moment. There was a brief round of hesitant, muted clapping and some faint cheering as a shadow, obscured by great veils of smog, drifted onto the stage. The shadow was tall, spindle-shanked; they sauntered through smoke to a bent stand, then sensually wrapped their arms around it while hanging over the bend like a nymph starting a pole dance; the shadow’s hair fell over their silhouetted chin before being flipped away with some grace. The shade’s foot started tapping, and after a few taps, the shade spoke; the voice was neither deep nor high, neither feminine nor masculine—somewhere in between.

    “All you listless souls out there tonight, high on pop and snowcrash—creating nothing yet complaining about everything; watching holos, jacking in, being here, injecting hecatonic pop straight into your veins to tear your troubles in twain; all you lost souls with sockets all over your bodies, filled up with credit content only to be sucked dry; waxed nostalgic; filled up again at a premium; repeat infinity.” The shade twirled around the mic stand, wrapped one leg around the pole, leaned far back all contortionist-like, mic to mouth nearly making out. “Welcome to the factory farm, I am your host: another nameless cow. We are all Old Earth cattle, cheap product, cogs in the machine of our own ruin.” An esoteric hand gesture: arms like a gentle breeze, fingers formed the letter L atop the forehead. “They want us to be losers, and we dance to the beat of their drum like good little losers. Snowcrash, The Idyllic Garden, Neutron Wave, Stacie Goes to Avalon, that synthetic nicotine you’re sucking down: you think it’s anarchy, but who do you think is supplying?” The shade rooted one foot on the base of the mic stand then leaned themselves over the side of the stage; their shadowed face poking through a light blue field that appeared upon contact. “Your reverie is a nightmare in disguise. It’s time to wake up. Kill your nightmare self. You are better than you. We are The Peggy Suicides, and we are about to play some real wake-up music for all you torpid animals.” The crowd groaned collectively, someone was chanting an ancient curse, but the shade continued unfettered: “After you hear our music, I want you to become inspired: write a song of your own, draw a picture, paint an Old Earth sunset, and then I never want to see you here again. You are better than you: pulverize your presumptive self.”

    The shadow's ramble stopped, and with it, so did the crowd’s cheering; in fact, the cheering had stopped much earlier, dying down even before the “torpid animals” bit killed it completely, replaced with a malaised mixture of frustration, confusion, some violence, audible groans, some heinous screams; someone threw a glass real hard and it shattered just inches away from the shadow. If the shadow flinched, no one could tell; they only hunched over and scanned the masses as if measuring the crowd’s collective soul.

    Someone yelled, “Like you’re any better! Just play some damn music!”

    As if on cue, the shadow lifted their arm, and a twilight guitar materialized in their hand; as the instrument appeared, so did four other shades, rising like zombies from the grave—two ax-wielders, one flutist, one drummer—completing a reverse five-point star with the first shadow as the tip near the edge of the stage.

    There was an anticipatory pause before the loud crack of a snare drum killed the silence; a bass drum started kicking silence’s dead body, deep alternating bass notes like bombs going off underwater played over silence’s funeral procession, quavering guitar chords with fluttering flute mixed into a wall of sound that washed over silence’s grave like waves of heartache and torment and longing and regret. The music was steeped in deep purple bruising and cool blue asphyxiation.

    As the vortex of noise churned, the shadow’s fluid voice fuzzed as they practically ate the microphone: “This one's called Death’s Little Brother Sleep Died Dreaming and Woke Up on Fire Screaming.”

    The crowd groaned, roared, and cursed their ancient curses; they were disinterested in guitar music, and they made this very apparent. But the band seemed acutely aware of this, only playing harder as if trying to stoke the flames of hell. Someone in the crowd yelled, “Retro garbage! Play some ‘tonic!” But the request was ignored, and the band only added three more bars to the noisy funeral dirge out of spite. When the bars of spite ended, the shadow threw their hand up while simultaneously snapping their fingers; light erupted onto the stage: sharp oranges and violent reds awoke on fire, screaming.

    The light revealed a protean youth behind the shadow: their skin both light and dark at once; baggy tan pants hung from their waist, tight fishnets clung to their slender yet curvy body; a single gloved hand glew blue while playing a holographic hollow body; posing seductively yet oozing unapproachable causticity; a mythic presence more nymph than satyr, yet somehow both; fine hair of muddy gold swirling in rhythm and time; a sculpted face neither ugly nor beautiful but something else entirely; an undead presence more vampire than zombie, yet somehow both; sunken eyes of slightly differing shape and dilation; an energy both bubbly and sullen, both wise and foolish; an uncategorical.

    The other four shadows were revealed to be holos of moving color: pre-programmed projection people.

    With another snap of the fingers, the tempo shifted from mellow to manic; earthquakes of tremolo billowed from the nightclub speakers; the harsh noise moshed the druggy clouds like fluffy pillows engaged in cellular fusion; thin pillars of electric-laser light impaled the clouds; colors flashed psychedelic in cumulus bellies. Everything was in time with the beat. The once-gray clouds were now a storm of rainbows, and that storm grew something fierce over the heads of some hundred people stirring in what could have been a mosh pit if not for the look of aggravation upon their collective countenance. The crowd was becoming unruly, mirroring the music’s abrasiveness but none of its beauty.

    A barely noticeable light blue barrier prevented the angry mob from climbing onto the stage, but the barrier made an exception for thrown items by design—pop stars love their offerings—which allowed one hollowed antifan to hurl a dagger at the band’s nymph-satyr frontperson, nicking the star’s face and spilling first blood onto the stage. This brought the music to a halt and caused some lumbering human-shaped automatons to usher through the crowd, dragging people—both corporeal and holographic—into dimly lit corners of the nightclub, never to be seen again.

    Amplified laughter rang out. The projection people had vanished, leaving only the former shadow on their knees, holding their bloody face in one hand and the mic to their mouth with the other. The artist’s giggling mania ushered silence through the crowd; those remaining were anticipating something grand. The laughter stopped long enough for the musician to speak, “I, Jules, hereby submit to the will of the people—the death of the artist!”

    The spectacle caught the attention of an umbral-haired young man sitting at a bar overlooking the stage. Holos surrounded him, floating in the air and playing upon the walls, advertising everything imaginable; some were interactive, others assertive, many both. The young man swiveled in his hover stool to watch the scene unfold below him; he took a sip of pale-colored liquid from a tall glass imprinted with dual holo A’s that moved as if swimming in the liquid itself. A picture of a cat’s face, winking occasionally, danced upon the glass before morphing into an attractive woman with an alluring sway to her hips, striking C’s billowing out from her body; this did not distract the young man, whose attention remained on the stage, and as he peered down at the scene below, a red holo mouse peered back at him, but he paid no mind to this, focused only on the ambiguous musician.

    Jules dropped the mic, which echoed a loud crackling thud through the club; they then grabbed the thrown dagger and stood up all poised heroic. They looked out across the crowd of punkers, poppers, princes, princesses, vegetables, and holos, then fixed their gaze on the young man far up in the bar, who was gazing back, as if familiar. The young man was shaking his head at Jules as if to say, “Whatever you're thinking—don't,” in extrasensory.

    Jules grinned a manic grin, then yelled, “Infamy, infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!” and—crowd gasping in collective—swung the dagger hard into their own creamy torso. Blood geysered from their side like a clogged hose that had accumulated way too much pressure; they immediately crumpled, one hand still clasped on the hilt of the dagger, wiggling, writhing, just freaking out bleeding in a pool all their own.

    The protective barrier lowered as lumbering automatons approached the stage. Those in the crowd who were leaving returned to witness the spectacle; those who were groaning were now cheering and chanting:

    “Peggy Suicide! Peggy Suicide! Peggy Suicide!” et cetera.

    Back at the bar, the young man coolly placed his glass down and eyerolled a mumble of, “You’ve gone too far this time.” He sat up and removed a rectangular device from his long black coat—the device was smooth and white, emblazoned with a red cross that formed the T for TatNos, with viridescent glass covering a portion. He then waved away a floating advertisement for HypnoGoggles—the only official goggles of the HyperNet—and hurriedly slid his way down a spiral staircase accented with strips of neon. “Sorry, gotta get through,” he said as he narrowly avoided someone in red holo like that of a cartoon mouse. But the mouse said nothing; it only turned its head to follow the young man’s movement, its eyes like two huge black dots, its smile cartoon-like in its unchanging permanence.

    Jules was wiggling and writhing still, now all surrounded by tall automatons that kept the crowd from storming the stage. The automatons were faceless machines modeled in human form, with tan silicone stretched over their metal casing to give them that fleshy-human look, nearly uncanny on purpose so that Complexers were less inclined to pay attention to them—out of sight, out of mind. A single A-shaped light shone through their fake-flesh faces; colored red, white, or blue for danger, contained, and all's-good, respectively. Their prime directive: protect and serve through apprehension first, physical violence second, and deadly force only if necessary; this frequently required them to make calculated trolley-problem decisions that were as cold as the hecatinium-infused metal they were made from—earning them the tongue-in-cheek nickname “Moral Agents” by Complexers all across Thessaly.

    With the protective field lowered, the young man pushed through the gawking crowd and vaulted himself onto the stage, the skirt of his long black coat swirling like a cape out of a comic book. He was holding the same device from before, dangling from a cloth handle. But before he could reach Jules, he was stopped by the outstretched hand of a Moral Agent. The automaton spoke in a voice that sounded like a hyper-intelligent parrot imitating a human but stressing all the wrong syllables, white A flashing in time with its janky voice: “Please Stand Back. Pending Response From Complex 42 MedCo. Subject’s Vitals Indicate an 85% Chance Of Survival; Favorable Odds Allow For Protective Lethal Force On—” the thing twitched its faux-fleshy face, “—One Point Five Individuals.”

    The young man raised a single eyebrow at the robot, then dug his free hand deep inside his coat and pulled out a black card with a liquid crystal display that was roughly the size of his palm. He held the card up to the Moral Agent’s face; the automaton spoke in jank once more, reading from the card’s display:

    “Autolycus Grayson M.D., Age 27. Graduate of The Polytechnic of Hippocrates. Highest Honors. Excelled in Athletics, Chemistry, Subterfuge, Gluteal Augmentation. Employer: TatNos Heavy Industries, MedCo Division. Occupation: Medical Doctor, Board-Certified Diagnostician, Double Specialty of Infectious Fecal Diseases and Gastroenterology. Residence: Complex 42, Floor 3, 578D. No Criminal Record. No Fines. Whitelisted. Also Very Handsome.”

    “You May Pass, Autolycus Grayson.” The group of automatons sidestepped in unison to allow for an opening in their shield wall, white A’s all aglow. The young man snapped back with acerbic twist, “That’s Doctor Autolycus Grayson, thank you.” He then spun the identification card between his fingers before sliding it back into one of his coat’s many interior pockets.

    Doctor Grayson approached the injured artist, whose fishnet-exposed skin was now stained light red from all the blood rolling. “Jules, try to stay still,” the Doctor said as he lifted the white device and started tapping some buttons, little bleeps and bloops sounding off as he did so. Jules stopped squirming and turned just enough to look at Doctor Grayson from the corner of their dark blue eyes; any indication of pain vanished. They both exchanged familiar looks.

    “Oh—Gray! My MedCo knight in shining armor,” Jules said as they turned over completely, exposing their checkered black fishnet belly, still holding the dagger tight into their side. “I didn’t know you were a butt doctor also!” Jules’ tone was characteristically agender but also silly-serious and nearly impossible to read. “My cheeks are fine, I think. But you can inspect them if you want.”

    “You know, I can never tell when you’re being serious,” Gray spoke in a laid-back baritone, still fiddling with the buttons on the white device. “I can never figure this thing out.” The device suddenly chimed then jingled. “Ah, there we go. Take the dagger out as quickly as possible, then try to be still. This might sting a little.”

    Jules adjusted themselves then pointed at their own head, “It’s all psychic up there, not physical.”

    Gray snapped back, “Just because you can’t feel pain doesn’t mean you can’t die. Now be still.” He then got down on one knee, leaning over Jules, examining the artist’s wound. “I think you hit a vital organ this time—there’s more blood than usual—maybe your colon?” He vocalized the sound of a thought bubble popping. “That’s probably why you can’t get up.” He paused for another moment, then spoke in a tone no longer smooth but somber, “Were you actually trying to kill yourself this time?”

    Jules ignored Gray’s comment, closing their eyes instead, composing themselves. Then: blade flash. The dagger yanked from its fleshy sheath; blood quickly jetted from the wound, then just as quickly started seeping into pools. Jules’ speech slurred, “Doctor Autolycus. I appear to be bleeding.” A cutesy smile formed on the artist’s full lips before their head started to drift back and forth as their eyes blinked independently of each other, “I feel kinda sexy, Doctor. Do I look sexy right now? Did the crowd go wild? Do they love me? Do you love me? We should get married. I’ll lick the envelopes; do they still do envelopes? I would be a good husband. Or wife. Or whatever you want. Is it getting darker in here?”

    “Yeah, yeah. Just try to stay still.” Gray groaned dubiously as he bleeped and blooped the device one last time.

    Jules followed orders by involuntarily slipping out of consciousness; this put a pep in Gray’s figurative step, who hurriedly pulled the soggy fishnets over Jules’ belly button, exposing the gash in full, then pointed the viridescent glass of the device at the wound from a short distance away. He held a button down on the device, causing the thing to emit a low hum as it pulsed emerald light over the gash. Gray watched as a necromantic ritual timelapsed before his eyes: bewitched strips of flesh birthed like worms from muddy plasma then morphed angelhair and threaded themselves; blood bubbled, clumped, clotted, formed dark reds and mucus yellows and viscous whites before browning hard and swirling into a quicksand of fully healed—albeit faintly scarred—flesh.

    When the operation was finished, the medical unit beeped rapidly. Gray observed a thin display on the device, which flashed the text HECATINIUM CRYSTAL DEPLETED. The beeping persisted until he flicked a small switch on the side of the device; a panel opened and discharged a foggy gray crystal the size of Gray’s pinky finger. He pocketed the inert crystal, slipped the medical unit back into his coat, then cursed under his breath. “You owe me, if you’re not dead for real this time.”

    Moments passed before Jules opened their big ocean eyes; a few more and they were able to sit upright, cross-legged and painless. They observed the circle of automatons around them with an expression of youthful wonder made even more youthful by their cheeks all rosy with dried blood. Then, Jules’ face contorted into an exaggerated clown frown. “Is this an intervention? I promise I won’t do it again.” Jules paused, lifting a finger to their mouth and biting down softly. “Actually, I can’t promise that. But I can promise that I will try not to do it again!”

    The automatons turned in sync as if responding to the artist’s joke, but they did not find it funny: on the contrary, their white A’s turned red, and one stepped forward, speaking in jank: “Code Violation 9982: A Complexer Shall Not Attempt Suicide Without Proper Written Approval From A Licensed Medical Doctor.”

    “Wait, wait.” Gray approached the Moral Agent, holding up the same identification card from before. “Did you forget already?” The automaton paused, cocked its head as if processing information, then janked once more, “This Is Not A Suicide Approval Letter.” Its red A blinking furiously.

    Gray squirmed, turned his back to the automaton, and removed a small pen-shaped object from his coat. The pen made a sharp whirring noise when fiddled with, and he pointed it at the identification card; after a few whirring seconds, he put the pen back into his coat. Gray then faced the Moral Agent with an exaggerated, child-like smile on his face, card outstretched. “How about now?”

    After a quick scan of the identification card, the Moral Agent’s light shifted from red to blue. “Very Well. We Thank You For Your Participation In This Altercation. You Are Both Dismissed Without Charges.”

    The group of Moral Agents dispersed, but one stayed behind; it held out its hand, and from its palm, a holo appeared, displaying a list of options numbered one through ten. The automaton provided context from behind the glow, “Please Let Us Know How We Did Today! On A Scale Of One To Ten, With Ten Being The Most Ethical And One Being The Least Ethical. Additionally, If You Have Feedback, Please Leave A Voice Recording With The Details After The Survey Has Ended. Remember: We Are Here To Protect And Serve, And We Cannot Serve Ethically Without Your Feedback!”

    Gray responded in a dry tone, “Skip.” This caused the holo to flicker out, and the final automaton followed in the footsteps of its metal colleagues, back to the dark recesses of the nightclub—out of sight, out of mind; watching, waiting.

    Gray turned to Jules, who was now sitting cross-legged in their own goopy blood pool, meditating with their eyes closed. The young man bent over, tapped Jules on the shoulder then helped them to their feet. “I’m glad you’re OK, but can we stop doing this? You also owe me an H Crystal.” The two exchanged competing glances before Gray added, “C’mon, let’s get out of here and grab a drink before those autos figure out my creds were fake.” The pair exited stage left as the lights went down and the fog came out and another act was gearing up to take the stage.

    The nightclub crowd was as quick to anger as they were to forget, because when Jules and Gray moved through the masses, only a few made passing jeers at Jules, who only smiled real wide and waved at anyone who gave them the slightest bit of attention, even negative attention. It was impossible for an onlooker to tell if Jules’ aloofness was contrived or earnest; they even wandered off to a few people who made passes at them, conversing merrily under a cacophony of cheers as the next act was being announced—”Next up: Draconic Tonic!“—and Gray had to grab Jules by the wrist to get them back on track—many times—as if chaperoning a very tall child.

    As the two made it to the spiral staircase leading to the bar, a young woman stopped them; she was all draped in shadows and shade, wrapped in belts and buckles and chains, and her hair was dark purple flames. “Jules, you changed my life tonight. When you stabbed yourself up there—oh my god—I could see the passion pouring out of your body; others saw blood, but I only saw stardust and rainbows. It makes me so mad that people are trying to shame and kill artists—throwing knives even—what is wrong with people these days? You care so much that you’re willing to die for your art.” She took both of Jules's hands in her own and stared deep into their weird wide eyes. “You won’t see me here again until I’m up there—” She pointed back at the stage, “—performing as a true artist.”

    Jules didn’t need to smile to show that they were radiating with love and affirmation; they moved in and embraced the young woman, who embraced them back. A few others joined, creating a group hug of sorts. Some of the participants were even dressed in holo suits, and one of these hollowed people appeared as a bright red mouse, all rounded, chubby, smooth, and bipedal, with an unsettling smile painted across their face, which was made of three large circles like the famous mouse from those Old Earth cartoons. The mouse hugged for a moment, then stepped back and observed, motionless.

    Gray noticed the mouse, thought the mouse odd, as if he had seen the mouse before, but quickly forgot when someone in the hugbox turned on a bright white light, which lit up the collective embrace like a hot white star; this caused Gray to cover his eyes with his wrist, and when he brought his wrist down, the mouse was gone.

    The hug stopped. Those few people who remained started asking for Jules’ autograph; thus, Jules started twirling fingers through holo papers projected from people's palms, signing away with glee. Gray, leaning on the railing nearby, trying to hold back the biggest eye roll of his life, shouted, “Jules! C’mon, I don’t have all night.” And this prompted the artist into one last group hug before following Gray up the spiral staircase.

    Before they vanished into the neon stairwell, the purple-haired fan who started all the hugging shouted up at the artist, “Jules! My name is Sue! Don’t forget about me! Sue!”


    Gray and Jules sat at the bar: Gray on a hover stool, Jules cross-legged on the countertop. The only light in the place came from the flashing of mounted screens and the ocean of holos all around them. Plasma marquees listed every synthetic beverage known to humankind. There was only a small crowd, as the majority of the patrons left to see the next musical act. There was no bartender, only an interactive menu per seat that could be toggled on or off; patrons' selections were generated and served through square panels that opened up to translucent glasses presented on small drink elevators which used a complex system of conveyor belts and pulleys underneath the gunmetal bar exterior.

    Four automatons shadowed each corner of the room; they stood statuesque, analyzing the awkward silence between the two youths sitting at the bar.

    “We need to talk about your stupid bullshit.” Gray broke the silence, his typical wry tone: awry. His elbow was on the bartop, thumb on his chin, index and middle on his cheek, propping his head up as he peered down into a mug of fuzzy pale bubbles that morphed into caricatures of cats that fizzed and popped one by one, some managing to splash dots of liquid onto his face. “It’s one thing to do the whole performance artist bit—maybe even some minor self-harm—but you took it way too far this time. I used most of an H Crystal patching that wound; those things cost a small fortune, you know.” He paused, dug the faded crystal out of his coat, glinted it at Jules, put it back. “We aren’t making any credits doing this—in fact, we’re losing credits. We’re already way behind on dues. I don’t want to live down there in the Great Latrines again.”

    Jules was twirling a strand of blonde hair around their fingers between picking dried blood from their cheek. “I don’t want to make credits with my music.” Pouting.

    “Obviously.” Gray’s lips contorted and scrunched, revealing the aggravation he was trying so hard to conceal.

    Faded electronic music pulsed in the background; syncopated buzz, bolts of blue bass drops, unforeseen shifts in tempo and time.

    Gray peered down at the band on stage, which was really just a single holo; a four-armed dragon with massive wings miming four keyboards. “Why can’t you make music like this?”

    Jules’ twirling stopped; without moving their head, their asymmetrical eyes shifted to Gray; a radical side-eye being given. “Because it's not real.”

    “Sure it’s real. It sounds like music, doesn’t it?”

    “It sounds like music, but it’s not real.”

    “Yeah, you said that—but, how is it not real?”

    “There’s no artistry behind the sound.”

    Gray took another sip of pale; swished, swallowed. “But it sounds alright, isn’t that all that matters?”

    “No.”

    “Look: you can’t just say no, that’s not how argumentation works.”

    Jules shifted, observed the stage below for a moment, then turned lotus on the countertop to fully face their interlocutor, hair fell all over their face but otherwise fully engaged.

    Gray continued, “I bet that dragon doesn’t have knives thrown at them—that’s a plus.” He gestured toward the crowd below; masses of flesh and holo bounced and swayed, their cheers echoing. “See? They’re even cheering. Maybe if you didn’t call them all ‘torpid animals,’ they’d cheer for you too, and then we’d have enough money to afford our place.”

    “The torpid piece was part of the poetry.” Jules whispered with understated defiance.

    “Yeah, sure. But I still don’t get how Draconic Tonic’s music isn’t real.”

    “Music, like all forms of art, is not only about the finished product, but also the person and the intent behind it. The thing down there is algorithmically-generated, presenting itself as a dragon, performing an algorithmically-generated series of notes. The programmer is asleep somewhere on floor twelve. It’s music in label only—but really, it’s just noise, a distraction. I can’t make music like that because that’s not music. It’s impossible. There’s nothing to make.”

    “But didn’t someone intend to make the program and run the algorithms? I mean, someone did make that big dragon and the music, they just didn’t put much effort into it, right? It’s playing notes and stuff; that’s gotta be music by definition.”

    “Not by my definition.”

    Gray laughed dismissively, tossing his shaggy dark bangs out of his likewise eyes. “Well I bet they make credits, at least.”

    “That’s all they make, or care about.”

    “Why does that even matter? Who cares if they’re only in it for the credits.”

    Jules tapped the holo pad on the countertop with swirly fingers, and a glass of water appeared from a sliding panel. A small display nearby showed the text 2C, then faded. The water was gone in one mighty Adam’s apple-less gulp.

    Gray was tapping his cheek with his index finger as he watched the otherworldly musician, a fatigued look on his face. “Well—why does it matter? The credits thing.”

    Jules ran long hands through long hair and took a long breath in what amounted to one long pause for one long think, then answered, “When you make art for credits, you compromise and corrupt. The art becomes more about the credits than the art itself.”

    “What if the point is to make credits?”

    Jules hid a sigh poorly. “No one really makes anything for credits. The credits are a proxy for something else: rent, vitamins, power, holo games, dying mothers, HyperNet access, H Crystals, a new pair of faux-leather pants, maybe an Auto-Cat or two or three or four.”

    “You’re changing the subject.”

    “Credits manipulate. Say there is an artist: a pixel artist, but they only make pixel paintings for credits. One day, they complete a pixel painting of a sunrise; they take that painting to the local art store, but the owner says they only buy nighttime pixel paintings, not sunrises. So the owner asks the painter to paint a nighttime scene—the painter hates nighttime scenes but paints one anyway to make some credits.”

    “OK—what’s the problem with that? I don’t get it.”

    “The problem is: when does it stop? Their motivations—their creations—are subject to the whimsy of those with credits, not their own whimsy. In a way, they’re not even motivated by credits; they’re motivated by other people with credits. Think, what if the buyer asked the painter to paint forgeries? Would the painter do it? What if the buyer didn’t want paintings at all, but instead asked the artist to kill competing art-store owners? Who knows what the painter would be willing to do. The painter who is only motivated by credits will do anything for credits because credits are more important than painting.” Jules paused for a quick think. “And credits corrupt; at first, the corruption is small, but after a while, you will start to wonder to yourself, ‘Why am I a dragon with four arms and big wings pretending to play keyboards? What sort of monster have I become?’ and you will weep; you will take face in palms and weep; you will cry tears of longing for paradise lost; innocence now all corrupted by credits, unrecognizable, deformed, grotesque, monstrous—” Jules paused, fiddling with a gold hoop dangling from their right ear; they flicked the earring and it chimed, “—there are more adjectives I could use, I think.”

    Gray’s hand lay in his busy mess of hair as his elbow propped his head up on the bartop, his eyes half-closed until Jules finished rambling. “You’re just being ridiculous. Credits make the world turn; that’s just a fact of life. And besides, none of that—”

    Jules hopped off the countertop, then pranced into a dark corner, then they were gone.

    “—explains how the music’s not real.”

    Gray sighed a familiar sigh. He took a sip from his glass, leaned his head back, then stretched his arms out. As he rotated his head to stretch his neck, bright red consumed the corner of his eye. He turned to face the red glow, and that’s when he saw it: the mouse; the same mouse from the crowd, from the stairwell, from the hugbox. It was smiling the same way still.

    The mouse’s wide grin took up half its face, its black-circle eyes lensed gravitational, and its red glow was condensed like a blinding nova, as if whoever was wearing the thing had turned up the brightness tenfold on purpose. It just stood there. Silent. Towering. Peering down on the dark-haired youth as if the predator had finally caught up with some helpless prey.

    “Yeah?” Gray said, nonchalant.

    The mouse said nothing.

    “Are you one of Jules’ weird fans? They’re not here.”

    Silence.

    “They left, or something. I don’t know. I can take a message, though, if you—”

    Something felt off. Gray’s eyes shifted around the room. He noticed that the Moral Agents were all white-watching while the rest of the patrons had cleared out. He was alone with the mouse. He became nervous and started to ramble as he slyly slid a hand into his coat. “Are you from the Great Latrine? Because I don’t live down there anymore. I’m clean, you know; the sewers are beneath me. I’m moving on up in the world now. Maybe Marcus sent you? I don’t owe Marcus anything—if he said something, he’s mistaken. Marcus and I are cool; I even gave him my spot down there before I moved. I can clear up any confusion, too. I have the transfer papers and—”

    The mouse’s claws flashed, grabbing Gray by the throat; it was a light squeeze, but enough to choke him out. Gray’s eyes widened, his jaw tensed, and the veins in his neck and face bulged. He lifted his own hands to the mouse’s, digging his fingers into the small space between the thing’s red mitts, trying to pull the big hands off his throat between raspy, strained gurgles; spittle sprayed, sprinkled.

    “AUtoLYcUS gRAySon: The WOLF iTSElf. We HaVe REaCheD Out MANY TiMEs. YoU Don’T JuSt STOp woRKInG fOR thE conSOrtiUM. wE mADE yOU. yOU OWE ThE ConsORTium yOuR lIfE. yoU knOw tHiS; YeT yoU IgNoRe us. YOuR DEbt ComPOuNds. PErfORM. pAy. pERisH. giVE yOUR ANsWEr Now: pERFoRM; PAy; PERish. thE CHoIcE iS yoURS.”

    The mouse’s voice was modulating, high-pitched, electronic, shrill.

    Gray violently struggled off the stool to his feet, shaking the best he could to get the mouse to loosen its grip, but it was all in vain; the mouse’s grip was tighter now, allowing only some syllables through.

    “G—” Gray rasped; the mouse’s grip tightened.

    “Ga—” Gray gurgled; tighter now.

    “Gac—” Gray croaked, his face trembling, skin rippling, eyes bulging.

    The mouse’s grip was so tight now that Gray lost his hold on the mouse’s hands. The mouse then lifted the young man straight into the air by the throat, its unnerving smile unchanged. Gray’s gurgling stopped, and he made no sound as he kicked his legs hopelessly; then his vision went dark, and he went limp, all his limbs flailing like happy worms as the mouse shook him violently. Electronic music lightly pulsed in the background, as if in time with the thrashing.

    “YOU HaVE MADE yOUr CHoiCE. YOU wILL BEcOME FUEL fOR thE COmpLEX’S EnErGY gEnERaToR, NO bETTER ThAN thE hUMAn wASTE BURNED TO PoWER OUR HoLO tAbLES. bY thE AuTHorITY oF tHE cALLiSTo CONSOrTium, I sENTENCE thEE tO—”

    Suddenly, the mouse’s holo turned wireframe, flickered a few times, then vanished, revealing an older man: muscular and bald with a burly white mustache that sank into handlebars; he was wearing a faded green jacket over a black top, baggy cargo pants. The man’s pudgy face flushed red, eyes wide with shock, an almost comical expression as he realized that his disguise was compromised. He dropped Gray and turned around as if to run, only to be met with the sight of one even taller than himself: Jules.

    Jules was there, a holo advertisement of a white bunny waving playing cards lit their eldritch figure, revealing all their alien features now pristine and bloodless, washed. Their right hand was outstretched in a poking gesture, a curious twist to their lips as if they had just poked something they were not supposed to and were very surprised by the results.

    Jules spoke pontifical. “I thought to myself: what does this button do? Mouse died; then: mustache person appeared.”

    Gray was on his knees; one hand on the floor, the other nursing his purple neck; gasping like he had never gasped before.

    “Now that we know about mustache person, you surely can’t let us live or whatever, right?” Jules said all aloof.

    “Precisely!” yelled the mustache man, his voice now very human, as he launched himself at Jules; but the lanky musician only slipped to the side, as if by accident, causing the man to tumble into a nearby hover stool. Jules then observed the bunny holos floating around them, reaching out to poke one, but before they could, the man was back up and launched a mighty punch at Jules’ face, only for Jules’ outstretched bunny-poking arm to absorb the force of the blow entirely. Jules shook out their hand then snapped back with an annoyed glance—“I wanted to touch the bunny!”—and then pushed the man back with both arms; the push was stronger than the man expected, causing him to stumble backwards before regaining balance, but by then Jules had stepped one foot behind the other for momentum and power and then launched a powerful sidekick; the kick whooshed in tandem with Jules’ poofy pants, producing a loud crack upon connecting with the mouse man’s jaw, launching him backwards into the bar, all crumpled over with jaw askew.

    Gray had managed to stand himself up, leaning against the bar, catching his breath, digging through his pockets while watching the scene intently; the room all illuminated by colors random and flashing and holo, the electronic music now breakbeat and manic.

    The former mouse stood up. “You know—you’re more competent than you seem. If I had to guess, I would say you’ve had formal training.” He wiped blood from his lip, then cracked his own jaw back into place. “But you messed up, freak.” And as if in a single motion, the man slid a long-barreled handgun out of his jacket, pointed it at Jules, then pulled the trigger; there was a high-pitched pew followed by a crisp red bolt that vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

    The ceiling clanged, sizzed; Gray had seized the man’s arm, forcing the aim of the barrel away from Jules. “You really should stop talking so much; you could have killed us like twice now,” Gray said, sounding as if he was back to his old self as he wrestled for the gun, the barrel now puffing light red vapor. Jules also grabbed the man, but the man was much stronger than both of them combined and managed to shake them off; as he shook them off, he elegantly grabbed Jules by their long hair, twirled them around into an armbar headlock, kicked their legs in to force them to their knees, and then pushed the barrel of the gun into their head, twisting it hard.

    “It’s your freak friend here or you, Wolf.” The man stared at Gray with a stoic confidence that was only undermined by labored breathing. “Perform, pay, or perish. The choice is yours.” He twisted the barrel even harder now. “Don’t think I won’t do it. The Moral Agents don’t care what happens here. This is our jurisdiction now.”

    Gray’s eyes narrowed at the man, whose eyes narrowed in turn. The electronic music had reached a downtempo section as a monotonous sine wave evened out into what sounded like a test tone.

    Gray broke the silence, his tone lacking typical sarcasm. “Go ahead then: kill them. They want to die—didn’t you see the performance?”

    An uptempo drum loop slowly faded in over the test tone as the man’s face contorted into a twisted grimace. “Are you sure about that, Wolf?”

    Gray managed to slip one shadowed hand into his coat pocket. His eyes focused, narrowed even further, and his expression was deadly serious. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

    “So be it,” the man drooled with murderous intent, and just as his finger tightened on the trigger, a flicker of light glinted into his face, followed by a terrible scream, his hand spasming as the gun fell to the floor. A faded crystal, about the size of a pinky finger, had skewered itself into the man’s left eye. He screamed wildly, lifting his hand over the wound, blood pouring down and around his knuckles.

    Jules hurried to their feet, then rushed to Gray’s side. “Nice throw. You’re a doctor and marksman—who knew!”

    “I was aiming for his throat,” Gray said, nervously scanning the room. “We need to get the hell out of here.”

    Gray and Jules turned to the stairwell, but it was blocked by the red A’s of Moral Agents; then they turned to a door near the back of the bar, which was also blocked; then they looked at each other with expressions of puzzlement infused with fear. “It appears we’re stuck between a mouse and hard metal,” Jules noted, biting one of their fingers nervously.

    As the duo fumbled, the mouse man had torn the inert crystal from his left eye, eyeball popping out along with it, leaving it just dangling there by a gooey red rope growing out of the otherwise empty festering socket, half of his face drenched in blood. It suited him. After a moment of moaning like a zombie in heat, he lifted one hand and slapped something on his back, causing the red mouse to flicker, wireframe, and fully materialize once again around his body. He then bent over to pick up the dropped handgun; his hands shook uncontrollably as he raised the gun toward his prey.

    “O, MiSTreSs oF wAr, DeFeNdEr of AtHeNs, sTaR ToUChEd SeNtRy Of ThE sErEnDiPiToUs sTaRsHiNe. gIvE mE tHe StRenGtH tO TeAr My fOeS AsUnDeR. tO RiP ThEsE cHiLdReN lImB fRoM LiMb. I BrInG YoU A fReSh SaCrIfIcE.”

    Gray, alerted by the modulated voice, turned to the mouse and groaned. He then noticed the handgun and shot an astonished look in Jules’ direction. “Why didn’t you grab the damn gun?”

    Jules bit down harder on their thinking finger. “I thought I did.”

    “tHe CoNsOrTiUm wAnTeD YoU bAcK aLiVe. tHe wOlF iTsElF iS a GoOd aSsEt, tHeY sAiD. bUt yOu aRe nO lOnGeR tHe wOlF iTsElF. yOu aRe a mAnGy mUtT, hOmElEsS aFtEr bItInG tHe hAnD tHaT fEeDs, AfTeR STeAliNg fRoM tHeIr OwNeR. tHeRe iS oNlY oNe fAtE fOr yOu, tHe fAtE oF uS aLL, OnLy EXpEDiTED, SwIFt—”

    “This guy really likes to talk.” Gray’s tone was silly, but his face was grave; he was out of options—no unblocked exits, a gun fixed on them, and automatons closing in. And Jules, too, stood there, stupefied.

    “—DeAtH! iT’s aLmOsT tOo GOoD fOr yOu. MAkE yOuR pEaCe wItH tHe bIoLoGiCaL mAtTeR CoNvErTeR tHaT yOu wIlL sOOn CoNVeRgE wItH.”

    The mouse’s red mitts were clasped around the handle of the gun, his cartoon trigger finger twitching and his aim shaky due to the excruciating pain gushing out of his fetid face hole. Automatons drawing closer now.

    Jules turned, looking his friend directly in the eyes. “‘Twas an honor, Gray.”

    “Yeah, you too, buddy,” Gray said, smiling genuinely.

    They jinxed a gulp together.

    And that’s when the rumble started. Everything began to shake. The sound of metal grinding against metal and shattering glass echoed through the space. Someone below the bar screamed, followed by a chorus of panicked voices. The music stopped, the dragon on stage dissolved into a shower of pixels, the spotlights went crazy before vanishing, the holo advertisements glitched then fizzled away. A piercing siren rang out, oscillating steadily. And, as if a blackout curtain had been thrown over the entire room, the lights cut out, plunging the club into total dark, with only those in glowing holo costumes shining out in the void left behind.

    The sound of a bell dinged twice, followed by a robotic female voice blaring over the intercoms:

    “Today Is Gamelion 8, AH386. Please Remain Calm. There Has Been A Power Disruption. Aides Repair Automatons Have Been Dispatched. Auxiliary Power Will Be Enabled Within Ten Minutes. All Air Vents Have Been Locked For Complex Residents’ Safety. Secondary Air Reserves On. All Sewer Entrances Have Been Locked. HyperNet Has Been Temporarily Disabled To Conserve Power. Please Do Not Leave The Complex Until The Incident Has Been Marked As Resolved. Please Remain Calm. Return To Your Habitation Quarters. Please Remain Calm. Return To Your Habitation Quarters.” et cetera.

    The mouse, who was now like a massive red nightlight in a vacuum, began firing his handgun in a frenzy; red bolts whizzing wildly through the darkness, zaps echoing off gunmetal walls, causing panicked screams from the blinded crowd with each shot. As if with one mind, both Jules and Gray ducked out and rushed the stairwell; they couldn’t see much in the darkness, but they could see the red A’s of the automatons and used those as reference points. They slid past the Moral Agents, down the stairwell in a hurry.

    The mouse kept firing in a panic, which escalated the screams of the patrons into a shrill cacophony, before realizing that his prey had escaped, and he took off down the stairwell after them, his mighty redness trailing from several feet away, leaving ephemeral afterimages in his wake. The siren continued, but it was not enough to drown out the screams of mortals.

    Gray and Jules identified the club’s exit by the mass of A’s surrounding it; as they ran toward it, they twirled, ducked, bobbed, weaved, and even slid through the legs of some brightly colored holo people shining out in the darkness; one of which—a purple dinosaur with a face that would have looked goofy if not for the situation—grabbed Gray by the torso, wrestling with him for a moment. “Trying to get into my pants?” the dinosaur said in a hungry tone, its face inching close; Gray could see the red blur catching up from the corner of his eye, so he headbutted the dinosaur’s face as hard as he could, which freed him, and he bolted off toward the exit once more, cursing and rubbing his forehead. As he approached, he slid the whirring pen out of his coat pocket and pointed it at the portcullis, which caused the circular door to slide open. Just as he was doing this, the siren stopped, and the club suddenly lit brighter than ever before; a harsh, white fluorescence washed over the entire room, exposing every grimy detail and the crowd itself, all lumped together in fear and panic, oozing like a disgusting ball of flesh.

    The mouse, now able to hone in on his targets, lifted the gun and fired off several rounds. One of the shots came close to Jules’ face, whose eyes went wide as they launched over the portcullis lip, out of the club, and into a hallway. They were followed shortly by Gray, whose landing caused him to roll across the floor, becoming tangled in his own long coat; as he loosened his limbs and regained sight of the door, he lifted the pen, whirred it, and the portcullis shut, sealing the bright red monster behind it.

    The hallway they found themselves in was as white and fluorescent as the club; the auxiliary power did not respect preference, leaving only the most necessary lights on, which happened to be the brightest and the whitest. The hallway wasn’t so much a hallway as it was a gunmetal concourse as wide as an Old Earth interstate, all black and gray with orbed portcullises and neon graphics—both business and profane—dotting the walls on each side of the concourse. Every twenty feet, there was a black marble column extending from the floor into the ceiling, twisting and all. Looking down the concourse made the way seem endless and one feel queasy. People dressed in suits, rags, or holos, all bright and reflective, walked up and down lit walkways with arrows flashing in all directions. Some people were very nonplussed by the whole situation; others were running into nearby portcullises, hurriedly closing and locking themselves away; some were sitting against the concourse walls, arms wrapped around their knees, headsets wrapped around their heads, others taking off the headsets and looking into them with sunken eyes as if their very souls had been torn from their bodies. There was an eerie silence outside of the patter of feet and the plinking of metal. Ragged merchants in open bodegas, complete with bodega Auto-Cats, looked around nervously, as if mourning their temporary loss of business. All the Moral Agents were marching off in a single direction, as if being repurposed for some other function.

    The intercom ding-donged once more, the robot voice returned:

    “Today Is Gamelion 8, AH386. Aides Repair Automatons Have Been Dispatched. Auxiliary Power Has Been Enabled. Incident Is Still On-Going. Incident Start Time Was 8:43 PM, Estimated End Time Is 12:35 AM. Please Return To Your Habitation Quarters. Thank You For Your Cooperation.”

    Gray was all spread out on the hard metal floor, staring up at the gray ceiling above; his dark coat open, exposing all sorts of knick-knacks and frivolous items; he was huffing and puffing, regaining composure. Jules stood over him, the harsh light causing their blonde hair to glow, looking nearly seraphic as they peered down at the young man who, at this moment, resembled an injured wolf, hair all dark and messy, a visceral strained look on his face, teeth showing and grinding, slobber. Jules offered their hand to the wolf.

    “It’s hard-locked, but that door’s not going to hold for long,” Gray said as he took Jules’ long hand, stood up, and brushed at his legs. “We need to find somewhere to hide until all this blows over.” He then straightened out his coat and fidgeted with his hair as he mumbled to himself, “I didn’t think they would be able to find me again.” His hand fell from his hair to his eyes, where he pulled down on the skin, exposing more of the whites of his dark orbs, before slapping his own cheeks as if smacking himself back to reality.

    The duo looked at each other, as if to verify that they were both ready, then took off down the wide concourse, checking every portcullis, nook, and cranny. Merchants yelled out to them, advertising wares, but these yells went ignored by the youthful duo, who continued to frantically scour the area, moving further down the concourse with every failed refuge attempt.

    “Why don’t we check the Great Latrine?” Jules suggested, still on the move.

    “Because the entrances are locked during outages—don’t you pay attention to the announcements?” Gray groaned as they continued, on the move.

    They stopped for a moment to catch their breath. People were passing all around them. Jules bit their finger again, flicked their earring, twirled their hair, and stuck a finger up their nose so far that you could see the outline of the digit forming on the outside of the nostril; this was a thoughtful ritual—a scanning ritual—and then Jules saw it: a small marquee sliding the words MODEM FACILITY in bold green text. “What about the modem facility?”

    “Not a bad idea, if it’s unlocked,” Gray said thoughtfully.

    They pressed onward toward the modem facility. People continued to pass them in the concourse; one specifically, a hollowed man-bear chimera of glitzy yellows and sparkling blues, wearing only tight black shorts and exposed chest hair glittering, looked Jules up and down. “Hey girl, looking for some company?” But Jules only pulled down an eyelid, stuck out their long pink tongue, and shooed them away. The duo continued onward, and as they approached the turn to the modem facility, a familiar red glow caught their attention. They both turned in unison to catch a glimpse and just as quickly turned back and then broke into a sprint even quicker.

    It was the mouse.

    The mouse had spotted his prey once more; he shakily lifted his pistol and fired crimson bolts through the crowd. One of the bolts narrowly missed Gray but went on to strike the chimera provocateur square in the kneecap, blood and bone bursting forth at the point of impact, instantly severing the leg in twain; the chimera toppled over, howling. This prompted the concourse crowd into full pandemonium. The mouse rushed through the tumult, deadset on the duo, toppling anyone in his path.

    The duo used the chaos to slip into a crowd of frightened people, sliding through bodies at high speeds, then turning a corner into a thin hallway where the modem facility was located. Rushing through the hall, they soon came upon the door—not a normal habitation portcullis, but a thick black-metal door—and it was unlocked; in fact, it was cracked open slightly. Gray then checked the interior of the door from some distance; he saw many small unlit LED indicators and let out one of those thought-bubble-popping noises. Jules watched their backside but saw no sign of the mouse. Gray then motioned to Jules, “It’s clear.” They then slipped through the door and closed it behind them. Gray whirred the knob, and there was a small click followed by a beep.

    The modem facility was a massive room full of human-sized black megaliths that extended as far as the eye could see. Wires, like complex spiderwebs, hung between each megalith. The black dolmens flashed every color from their different openings and LED indicators, and these little color flashes were so numerous that they formed large splotches of weird color on the walls and floors in a computed cadence. Out of all these colors, the most common was red, as if indicating some fault in the machinery. Faint ticking and low-frequency purrs were the only sounds in the room.

    “I used to work in one of these places,” Jules said nostalgically, wandering from megalith to megalith, observing all the complex but neatly organized wires.

    “Yeah, I know. We both worked there. Sometimes I wonder about your memory, Jules,” Gray groaned, then continued, “It’s weird that this room would be unlocked, much less unguarded. Not only was the door open, but the trip-laser was disabled. And I guess the Moral Agents are all busy moonlighting as repair bots, but I can’t help but think that something weird is going on here.”

    Jules was squatting near a megalith, fiddling with some wires between pushing blonde tresses behind their long ears. “The wiring on this one is all wrong.”

    “Who cares about that right now, let’s just—” Gray's ears perked up from the sound of soft rummaging in the distance. “Is that you, Jules?”

    Jules vocalized some sort of quiet two-syllable no-noise.

    “I think it’s coming from further back. Let’s go che—” Gray was interrupted by a loud crash. He quickly turned to the source of the noise: the entrance of the facility. The door was wide open, and standing in the doorway was a redshifted nova. Gray shouted, “Jules! Get—” but before he could finish his sentence, a scarlet bolt pierced through his shoulder, blood spiraled through the air, and he fell to the floor. The mouse now stood over Gray, gun pointing at the young man’s other shoulder.

    “foRgEt eye For An EyE. i’LL takE YOUR ARms. theN I’LL takE yOur lEGs. THEn I’lL TAKe Your spLeeN, yOuR kIDNeYS, YoUr StoMach. tHen I’ll RiP YoUr heaD ofF, cUt YOUr eyES OuT, anD GRafT One IntO mY OwN sOCKeT, sO you’Ll alWaYs BE wITH Me; pEerINg out AT aLl tHE peoPLe i WilL be KIllinG in yOUr NaME. I WAnt yOU to sUFfER bEFORe YoU DIE, WoLF. AnD ThEN i WaNT YoU tO sUFfer AfTeR DeAtH ToO. I WANT YOU TO SUFFER BAD.”

    “Gray was right. You do like to talk!” Jules yelled as they recklessly rushed the mouse from some distance away. The mouse turned without warning; two bolts whisked straight through each of Jules’ thighs, flooring the musician, who landed on their side without a sound, turned themselves over, and started to crawl toward the mouse with a strained look of determination on their face.

    The mouse laughed electronically as they turned away from the helpless musician, abruptly firing a bolt into Gray’s other shoulder. Gray yelped, and his body spasmed as if shocked electric. The mouse then turned to Jules, who was muttering Gray’s name, their crawling now picking up speed.

    “nO PAiN? DOesN’T MAtTer.”

    The mouse fixed the barrel on Jules’ back: Pop. Pop. Jules went silent.

    Gray’s eyes were glazing over as he struggled to peer up at the red glow, his vision shaky and hallucinatory; the mouse’s smile ominous, growing larger and smaller, swirling and contorting.

    “You know…” Gray coughed.

    “I wanted to tell you…” Gray coughed again, this time blood.

    The mouse watched intently, gun trained on Gray’s head.

    “I wanted to tell you… to go… ga…” Gray’s eyes closed, breathing slowed.

    It was then that a crackle of thunder boomed throughout the room, accompanied by an explosion of emerald sparks, which galvanized with the mouse’s red glow to create a yellow lightning storm around the rodent. The mouse flickered, wireframed, and vanished, revealing the burly man behind the holo, his still dangling eyeball convulsing violently along with the rest of his body as lightning coursed through his veins. The man could barely scream before he was charged to reticence, falling to the floor, gray-green smoke emanating from his crumpled corpse.

    Within the shadow of two megaliths stood a young woman. Her bobbed hair like fresh rust, her skin like that of a white sheet discolored by the faintest of coffee stains, freckles, lots of freckles, and her emerald eyes were covert behind a pair of black-circle glasses of which she peered over the top. There was a thick messenger bag slung around her shoulder, snug to her hip. She was wearing baggy cargo pants and a dark green tank top with a single sleeve that trailed down into a gloved hand in which she was holding what looked to be a large metal spanner emitting remnant sparks of emerald light, easily mistaken for a fantastic magic wand. There she stood, wand outstretched, a surprised look on her face as if she was not expecting whatever had just happened to happen at all.

    There stood Ellie.


Chapter 3

Artwork by ComicFarm.


#TheEgg #Fiction

remember boss fights those unwinnable boss fights life is one of those

#poetry

hidden agreements written in text very small now the mouse takes all

#poetry

he works at subway smokes weed with the boys out back plays halo at home

#poetry

creed's playing on blast smell of wood, plastic, and dads this is home depot

#poetry

dionysus-death-title.jpg

Original Text

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Prologue

On the night of June 10th, 2024, I was on top of the world, literally amongst the clouds, on a rooftop bar, toasting a glass of cabernet to the neon below, feeling like a modern-day Dionysus – a real god of wine and whimsy and witlessness and just getting as loaded as humanly possible. And by the next morning, I was dead.

This is the story of how I died.

Chapter I: Prelude to the Sheer Excitement of Golf

“Dionysus mingles in the wine new powers, sending high adventure to the thoughts of men.” –The Oxford Book of Greek Verse in Translation. 1938.

Roughly nineteen hours earlier, on the tail end of June 9th, 2024, during those wee hours when the sun is barely birthed from the horizon and the dawn is covered in damp, I woke up from a half-sleep stupor wondering if I had gotten any sleep at all, as one does when they only get one hour of light sleep and absolutely no Michael Stipe#1 sleep the night before. I had to wake up early – four-in-the-morning early – to catch a flight to the fairways#2 of Maine; I was expected at a golf charity event the next day, for a client that I managed. At the time,#3 I worked as a Customer Success Manager#4 for a Contact Center as a Service#5 company, and I managed a “portfolio of clients” (as they say in sales world), and sometimes these clients wanted me to attend their company events or travel to their headquarters to present some pretty-but-ultimately-meaningless slides or wine-and-dine them in some weird corporate courting ritual, all in an effort to convince them that they should continue to do business with us because everything they want and more is coming soon next quarter as indicated by our product roadmap on this slide but please note that the product roadmap is not set in stone as development priorities can shift due to market forces and client demand so please just renew your contract for another year or three because my job literally depends on it.

The client – Beckham, Inc., a government-funded call center supporting everything from military toilet paper recalls to passport renewals – wanted me and three of my coworkers to participate in eighteen holes of golf at their annual Beckham Golf Charity Event. The chosen few from my organization formed a foursome#6: Anders, the Account Executive handling the overall sales relationship with Beckham, Inc.; Jordan, the Project Director overseeing a major move-to-cloud project for Beckham, Inc.; Doug, the Southeast Regional Vice President of Sales with a vested interest in maximizing profit from all clients; and myself, the Customer Success Manager responsible for securing Beckham, Inc.’s eventual two-million-dollar contract renewal.

The Beckham Golf Charity Event’s stated goal was to raise money for people with disabilities. So, on the surface, we would be golfing for a good cause. This was certainly one of the less demeaning things I had been tasked to do in the name of chasing those ever-sought-after capital-B capital-D Big Deals. However, as with any company expense, the trip was wrapped in several layers of corporate complexity that any barely tenured salesperson would pick up on immediately: not only were we golfing to raise money for people with disabilities, but also for the assurance of a multi-year contract renewal (which I was responsible for), a potential upsell of software licenses ranging somewhere within the three-million-dollar range (which Anders was responsible for), the success of an ongoing move-to-cloud project (which Jordan was responsible for), and the we-actually-love-our-customers-it’s-not-all-about-the-money brown nosing present in all vendor-client relationships (of which we were all responsible for). The people with disabilities were only a proxy for our company’s bottom line; if we refused to go to Beckham’s Golf Charity Event, we would be hearing about this refusal on every video call and in every email for the next two years, after which Beckham, Inc. would likely decline to renew their contract with us; thus losing their business, thus losing our jobs. And you can replace the words “Beckham’s Golf Charity Event” with literally any other client request, because this is the crux of all corporate relationships: the product is far less important than the asses being kissed. Sellers display faux care only for the benefit of their quarterly sales goals, and the bigger the potential deal, the more faux care they muster. This means doing whatever the client wants to secure those Big Deals. I’ve had salespeople tell me, straight up, “If a client told me they’d sign this five-million-dollar deal if I killed someone for them, I would do it no questions asked, and I’d bake the liability into the Ts and Cs.”#7 (Whether this particular salesperson was joking or not, this writer couldn’t tell.) The point being, if you want to be a quote-unquote Good Salesperson (oxymoron), you have to demean yourself, it is quite literally baked into the role.

image.png *golfing for people with disabilities – and money.

What this whole golf thing meant for me, having never played before in my life,#8 was that I needed to get familiar with the sport, and fast; and the only way I knew how to do that was by playing computer games or by reading books, and the prospect of reading a book with the words “All About the Sheer Excitement of Golf!” somewhere on the cover made my stomach turn, so computer games were the only viable option.

Since the Game Boy Color was (and still is) my favorite console ever – primarily driven by 8-bit-pixel-perfect summers at grandma’s house – I naturally gravitated toward the classic Game Boy Color version of Mario Golf for my crash course in the Sheer Excitement of Golf. I downloaded the ROM file#9 and moved it into some folder within a folder on my cheap Chinese handheld emulation device’s SD card, and just like that I was ready to learn every little technicality of this legendary Scottish pastime,#10 and familiarize myself with all the golf lingo (I’m going with “glingo” going forward). In fact, part of the reason I didn’t get much sleep on the night of June 9th was because I was lying on a mattress in my living room playing digital golf. This living-room-mattress-computer-game dynamic was necessary so as not to wake my infant son from his precious baby sleeps when the time came for me to gather my wings and fly. Suffice it to say, the mattress was not comfortable, Michael Stipe did not visit me that night, and I didn’t learn very much about golf. I did learn, however, that Mario Golf for the Game Boy Color was developed by Camelot Software Planning (of the famed Golden Sun series); and that the game was a surprisingly competent companion to Mario 64 (which was also developed by Camelot and released earlier that same year, 1999); and that the game included a full glingo dictionary with over 50 glingos, on-point golf-ball physics with seemingly perfect gravity-wind interplay, an eminently satisfying golf-swing power bar that requires perfectly timed button presses to land those highly coveted hole-in-ones,#11 a traversable overworld a la Japanese-role-playing games dotted with country clubs just waiting to be conquered, and (as if this run-on sentence wasn’t long enough) it played the Super Mario Bros. “Underground Theme”#12 on potential birdie putts#13; all this and more was wrapped in a charming pixel aesthetic that took full advantage of the Game Boy Color’s 32,768 colors in a way that was quite pleasing to my very tired eyes indeed.

Before I knew it, I had driven many a ball down many a fairway and, on one hour of sleep, it was time to drive to the Jacksonville, Florida Airport to catch my six-o’clock flight to Maine aboard an American Airlines A319 Airbus.#14 On the flight, I started reading a collection of essays by David Foster Wallace – Consider the Lobster and Other Essays (many of these essays I had read before) – while sitting next to an older woman who kept twirling long strands of brown hair around her fingers and occasionally asking me things like, “So, are you from Jacksonville? What are you reading? What’s it about? Do you know if they serve alcohol on this flight? Do you drink?”

And while I mostly nodded and tried as politely as possible to blow her off, I wanted to say …

“Hell yeah, lady. I drink.”

Chapter II: The Software Pantheon

“The divine madness … prophetic, initiatory, poetic, erotic, having four gods presiding over them … Apollo, the second that of Dionysus, the third that of the Muses, the fourth that of Aphrodite and Eros.” –The Dialogues of Plato, 3rd ed. 1892.

II.I: Shakedown, 2022

But I really shouldn’t.

Flashback two years earlier. I was, curiously enough, on the same trip to Maine for the same annual Beckham Golf Charity Event, staying at the same luxury Marriott hotel#15 right smack dab in the middle of downtown Maine. I was not playing golf this time, only helping the volunteers pass out drinks and snacks at hole nine. I was there with a Sales Executive, not Anders but a different guy named Jeff, and accompanying us were some other bigwig sales dudes; these guys were standoffish with several Big Deals under their belts, full of sales-snoot, and they were big into partying; I’m talking three-in-the-morning-hotel-room-balcony-cocaine-snorting-tequila-shots-flowing-hotel-security-being-called-because-people-are-trying-to-sleep partying. After dinner, Jeff and I somehow ended up in the room of one of these bigwig sales guys. I was already two glasses of cabernet in from dinner; and once I start drinking: I. Don’t. Stop. Under any circumstance, I just do not stop. So I had one or two or seven shots of tequila, passed on the cocaine because I did that once in high school and ended up wanting to throw myself off a very similar balcony to the one I found myself on in this bigwig’s hotel room. The bigwig I ended up talking to most was literally named Steven Brag, he was a Vice President of Sales of Some Sort, and his attitude fit his last name to a tee. Your not-so-humble narrator here had seven shots too many and found himself in a pretty deep conversation with this Brag guy about climbing the corporate ladder and what I described as (I’m ad-libbing a bit because the whole night was whirlwind heat and flash) “a hamster wheel with little spikes that tear away at your personality over time and leave you bitter and dead and eventually forgotten because sales doesn’t impart one goddamn meaningful thing on anybody other than the evils of the perpetuation of money as a proxy for love and an economy of suffering,” and this Brag guy looked me dead in the eye and said, “then why are you here?” And I said something like, “because my friend referred me, but I would literally work at McDonald’s if it paid enough, that’s how little this job fulfills me. This job is just a means to an end. That’s it.” And I likely went on like this for quite some time indeed before Brag – between organizing a line of cocaine with a gold-plated debit card and snorting it off the table – with a manic calm said, “Alright, then I’m going to tell David about this.” David was my boss at the time, a good guy who probably would have laughed and shrugged it off, but I thought: what if he didn’t laugh and shrug it off? I then became very nervous and quiet after it clicked that this guy could certainly get me fired if he wanted to, and Brag sensed this nervousness and doubled down; he said something like, “what, don’t you want to work at McDonald’s? It’s no different than this job, right?” This guy was trying to prove me wrong – put me in my place beneath his Louis Vuitton Men’s Designer Sneakers, and maybe he was right; maybe he called my bluff. It became clear that I had offended Mr. Brag, because after what must have been a whole three minutes of death stares and silence, he stood up, walked into the main room, and started talking to someone else. At that point, I felt it was prudent to leave, and when I passed Brag on the way out he didn’t say a word to me. I made it back to my hotel room by around four in the morning with a cloud of anxious is-this-guy-going-to-get-me-fired-what-am-I-even-doing-here-is-my-life-a-total-joke dread hanging over my head, and I had to wake up for the golf event by six, which was in two hours.

But it was OK, I could make it, I told myself. I prided myself on never having blacked out. I saw myself as a modern-day Dionysus. Yes, I could get really really wasted, but I never blacked out. Yes, I may be doing and saying incredibly questionable things, but I am in complete control, I told myself. I can be a complete wastrel whilst still attending to my adult responsibilities, I told myself.

So of course I was awakened by my wife after she had tried to reach me on my cell phone several times (which was on silent, of course) and then called the hotel I was staying at to get my room number but the hotel receptionist wouldn’t give her my room number for security reasons or something and she eventually contacted Jeff who happened to know my room number and then she was finally able to call my room directly, and I woke up to a stern, “Forrest – it’s 10 AM, aren’t you supposed to be at the charity event?” May all the gods bless her beautiful soul.

I got out of bed faster than anyone ever has, put on my stupid polo shirt and khakis, called a taxi, and made it out to that golf event several hours late faster than anyone ever has. And somehow, I wasn’t fired; there were no real lasting consequences at all. And eventually Steven Brag “moved on”#16 from the company, so the threat of him getting me fired evaporated like the morning dew that I so irresponsibly missed that hazy golf morning. If there was any real consequence, it was that I had forgotten to take my acid reflux medication, so I had excruciating wine-induced heartburn during the entire charity event.

“Forrest was late for the golf event because he drank too much,” became a meme in both my company and within Beckham, Inc. At the time, like every other time, I told myself, “OK – that’s the last time I’m doing that, for real this time.” But I would do it again. I would rationalize myself straight into another drunken stupor weeks – sometimes days – later. Every time. And this wasn’t the only time something like this had happened. I can count at least seven other equally embarrassing drinking stories in which I was either late to a serious meeting, broke something important, said something insensitive to the wrong person, flat-out hurt myself, or did all of these things at once after imbibing one too many glasses of cabernet.

image.png *The Fool? Nay – Dionysus.

I saw myself as a modern-day Dionysus. I was part of The Software Pantheon. People treated me like the god of revelry and ritual madness. “Forrest’s going out with us tonight – he may seem quiet now, but this guy is funny as fuck after a few drinks!” They would say. I was part of The Software Pantheon. I was no Fool. I was a real modern-day Dionysus. I could do no wrong. I was a god.

That’s what I told myself.

I guess this is the part where you want me to say something real introspective like: Hi, my name is Forrest and I am an alcoholic. I haven’t been formally diagnosed#17 or anything, and I haven’t gone to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting; and frankly, I’m a little too proud to go to one. I don’t need this “higher power” rigmarole to abstain from drinking; I can do it through sheer force of will, I think. I am not emotionally manipulated by liquids, is what I tell myself. I know I might maybe be an alcoholic, that’s the most important thing, right? The first step: I am self-aware! I am intelligent! My brain can fight the poison! I was late for the golf event, but everyone had a good laugh and there was no real harm done. I don’t need to drink, but if I do I’ll be OK; I always have been. I have never blacked out; that’s what I told myself. Never blacked out, not even once. Yes, sometimes I slip up, but I have never blacked out – just ask Wanda.

II.II: Dionysus Rising, 2024

Wanda remembers. She was there to witness Dionysus stumble out of a golf cart into the volunteer’s booth four hours later than scheduled. In fact, days before flying out to the 2024 Beckham Golf Charity Event, she told me on a Zoom call, “Don’t forget – you actually have to golf this time. Don’t drink too much! And don’t be late!” Wanda remembers.

Wanda was an honorary member of The Software Pantheon. She was our main point of contact over at Beckham, Inc. She was#18 a fifty-something-year-old Workforce Director with a perpetual chip on her shoulder. She enjoyed drinking Rolling Rock beer while listening to classic rock because, in her own words, “they just don’t make music like they used to,” she also enjoyed Prince’s music because, in her own words again, “I have very varied taste in obscure music.” She spoke with a gruff cigarette-stained lisp and her right eye would twitch slightly every few words. She would blow up on anyone who dared question her hyper logical but very draconian workforce edicts while simultaneously escalating even the most basic support cases because she felt Beckham, Inc. was more important than any of the other 1,000-something clients my company handled. I got the impression that she was feisty even outside of work, as her last name changed at least three times since I met her. Her raucous attitude surely contributed to the streaks of gray in her carrot-colored hair, but this was also a consequence of the endless stress that she put on herself by taking her job way too fucking seriously – and the expletive is absolutely necessary here: she literally had a cardiac arrest while presenting her 2023 Company Objective slides on a Zoom call to me and twenty other people; we all watched in horror (and myself in some sort of deranged amusement) as her second (late) husband frantically rushed through the door in the backdrop of her webcam, lifted her up from her toppled chair, and then rolled that chair – with Wanda convulsing in it – out the door and straight into an ambulance (one would hope). Needless to say, that meeting was cut short. Wanda’s doctor ordered a leave from work for three months, but Wanda returned in two weeks, nearly always faint of breath and needing constant breaks, but she would “not be stopped” (her words). She told me weeks later that both her doctor and her husband were “overreacting and it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I did stop smoking cigarettes and now I only have three glasses of wine a day instead of four – doctor’s orders.” And in this writer’s opinion, if it takes a serious heart attack to quit smoking, drink less wine, and maybe chill out a little bit – then thank god for fatty artery buildups.

I would be getting even closer with Wanda, because after I touched down in Maine on June 10th, 2024, I found out that Doug – the Vice President of Sales – couldn’t make it to the golf event, which turned our foursome into a threesome. But Wanda, despite her propensity for cardiac catastrophe, was more than willing to take Doug’s place within the marble-columned halls of The Software Pantheon.

The rest of The Software Pantheon included Anders and Jordan. Anders was an alright guy. He was on the portly side, buzzed his head because his hairline was Sahara barren (and you could tell), around fifty or something, lacked a memorable personality, and didn’t know how to hold a conversation so ended up just repeating back everything you said to him in the form of a surprised question which he must have thought was some sort of conversational momentumizer#19 but actually came across as slightly condescending – “Do you really have two kids? What do you mean you don’t watch much TV?! How can you not like mushroom pizza?!” – and he had been divorced twice but was also a real family man, so if he were to hold a conversation, it would likely be about his kids. Jordan, on the other hand, was a bit more intriguing. Jordan was tall, like 6’5” tall, real heavy set guy, forties, decent sense of humor, and had this prankster attitude that you could tell was never corrected from childhood – granted, most of these “pranks” were just straight-up lies, literally stuff like “hey, that woman over there said she wanted to talk to you,” when no such thing occurred, all in an attempt to make a fool of the person he was pranking, which was often me; and he was quite good at this, as he was able to keep a straight face in nearly all prankster situations, making him the type of person that you can never fully trust. The most interesting thing to me about Jordan, however, was that he had an ear piercing but no earring; I could tell from the obvious hole in his ear.

Both Jordan and Anders were everyday guys with everyday interests. Their taste in music was dictated by 107.5 The Hits, their knowledge of cinema was only Disney movies that their kids wanted them to watch, and they spent all of their free time “watching the game” either on TV or in a stadium. They absolutely never played computer games and thought everyone who did was a never-grew-up person that attracted Cheeto dust like the strongest magnet attracts metal filings; and none of that stuff mattered to them much anyway, because they firmly believed that the most important thing in life is making enough money to support their families – everything else is a distraction. In short, Jordan and Anders were two of the most unpretentious people I had ever met.

There was one thing that both Jordan and Anders loved more than anything else (besides their own children, one would hope; and money, I guess), and that was drinking alcohol.

image.png *Bacchus, oil on canvas by Caravaggio, 1596–97 + original hotel room photography; note: Bacchus is the Roman name for Dionysus.

On June 10th, 2024, when I arrived at that same Marriott hotel from two years prior – as the only and oh-so-unlikely survivor of the 2022 Beckham Golf Charity Event (considering both Jeff and Brag had “moved on” by this point) – and Jordan called me on my cell phone, asking me to meet him and Anders at the rooftop bar on the 11th floor, I just had to oblige. These were my colleagues after all, and I wouldn’t want to be seen as some pretentious weirdo, right? That could hurt my own bottom line (an irony that I am all too aware of). Knowing that I had been up for almost eighteen hours on one hour of sleep, I told myself that I would go to the rooftop bar real quick, say hi, then duck out of there and get some sleep.

In the Roman column adorned lobby of that hotel, I swear, I was not thinking about drinking – the experience in this same hotel two years prior was playing out over and over in my mind, and I truly did not want to repeat the sins of the past. I would go up to the rooftop bar, I would say hi, and then I would duck out – that’s what I told myself.

The clock read 8:30 PM. After getting checked into the hotel and settling my bags in my 9th floor room, I video called my wife to let her know that I made it and gave her my room number and made goofy faces to my infant son who was just about ready to go down for bed. I then headed up to the rooftop bar.

When I got to the bar, I went to the outside portion and looked down at the neon below. Memories from my previous 2022 dalliance started racing through my mind. I started to wonder if Steven Brag was right about everything; if he had really called my bluff; if all that working-at-McDonald’s stuff was just posturing a superficial morally superior viewpoint in some vain attempt to appear better than the salespeople I was surrounded by; I could feel Brag’s Louis Vuitton Men’s Designer Sneakers pushing into the side of my head, and the pressure was building up. I was grateful that Brag was no longer with the company because I’m pretty sure that guy hated me more than anyone has ever hated me in my entire life. Was I that contemptible? That transparent? That foolish? That hypocritical? Should I quit my job and pursue what I really love doing instead? But wouldn’t that hurt my family, who depend on me? If that’s the case, then is the accumulation of wealth the be-all and end-all goal in life? THE MOST IMPORTANT THING? After all, more money means I can buy a bigger house, put more food on the table, get a pool in the backyard, not have to worry about mortgage payments, save two shelter dogs and see the look of joy on my son’s face as I bring those pups home, and just provide an overall more comfortable life for my family in general; but if money is a proxy for well-being, why do I feel so sick chasing after it? Isn’t my family comfortable enough already? Why do we need an even bigger house, or a pool? Or is this a defeatist attitude? Why should I have to anguish over these questions at all? I didn’t choose to be born into this endless hamster wheel. Should I just jump off this balcony? I have a life insurance policy. Why am I really here? Am I a fraud? Am I Dionysus or am I The Fool? Or is it OK because compromised values are just part and parcel of the quote-unquote American Way of Life? If everyone else is compromised, maybe I shouldn’t even worry about it? But I am worrying about it. How do I stop worrying about it? And just as I was about to completely spiral out of control on my psychic bullshit, a tap on the shoulder snapped me back to reality.

It was Jordan. He was carrying a glass of deep purple; he said, “Hey man, I heard you like to party – you still drink, right?”

I wanted to make the questions go away, so I turned to him with a wide grin and said,

“Hell yeah, man. I still drink.”

Part 2


Footnotes:

#1. Lead singer of the alternative rock band R.E.M., a guitar-pop group inspired by the accessible psychedelia of The Soft Boys and the jangling guitars of The Byrds. R.E.M. was at its peak during the mid to late ’80s and throughout the ’90s and has effectively retired as of 2011. (Per Peter Buck, lead guitarist for the band, “It was the money, the politics, having to meet new people 24 hours a day, not being in charge of my own decisions.” Thus solidifying this publication’s insistence that money corrupts with no exception.) I don’t think the band ever topped “So. Central Rain” and “Radio Free Europe,” two of their earliest singles, but they occasionally came close. The joke within the main text, at this point, should be obvious, but I feel the need to explain it for the sake of thoroughness: the band name stands for Rapid Eye Movement (sleep), which is “a sleep phase in mammals characterized by random rapid movement of the eyes which typically happens 90 minutes after you fall asleep” (per Wikipedia). On the night of June 9th (/morning of June 10th), I got less than one hour of sleep.

#2. In golf lingo (glingo?), “fairway” refers to the part of the golf course between the tee and the green. The green is the area around the actual hole – the hole that you’re supposed to hit the golf ball into: the one with the flag and whatnot. Golf courses have at least eighteen holes and follow the same general format: each hole has a tee-off location (where you put your ball on the miniature wooden stake and then whack it with a golf club); each has a long stretch of pristinely kept but incredibly artificial-looking grass (the fairway); and finally, another separate patch of fake-looking but slightly off-colored grass (to distinguish it from the fairway) around the hole (the green). Got all that?

#3. As of writing (and publishing) this piece, I still work for the same unnamed company. However, I wanted to future-proof this piece by writing most of it in the past tense. Jobs don’t last forever; I’m just a quarterly sales goal on some executive’s spreadsheet, after all – and if I don’t hit those goals, I’m gone. To be honest with you, dear reader, as of writing this, I have kinda “quiet quit” from the whole work thing (and this is expanded on in the next footnote). I would work at a McDonald’s if the pay was livable (and this is expanded on in the second chapter); homeostasis being what it is. I am thankful, however, that my current position is work-from-home, which affords me ample time to pursue my true interests (and write this massive piece). And, look, I’m not stealing from the company, I do put in effort to maintain my work, just not very much effort.

#4. The role of a Customer Success Manager (CSM) lacks a solidified job description, making it nebulous and weird across different industries. It’s somewhere between middle management and executive level; middle-middle management, if you will. CSMs are authorized to speak and act on behalf of the company when dealing with line managers, junior staff and customers. Generally, a CSM builds a trusted relationship with a customer (or “client”) after the sales process in an effort to drive retention and upsell (upsell being: selling more stuff to already existing customers). For a client, this process might look like buying software from a company, getting it implemented, and then, once everything is up and running, being handed off into a support contract that includes a dedicated CSM that tends to their every beck and call. This means that CSMs are often the closest to a company’s customers and know explicitly what those customers love about the product; and they especially know what those customers hate about the product too, as an almost mandatory CSM job requirement is the ability to Shut Up and Listen and Not Take Things Personally. In some software companies, CSMs are part of the support team: if something goes wrong with the product, the CSM is the customer’s main point of contact to escalate and resolve the issue as quickly as possible. In other companies, a CSM might function within the sales organization as a relationship builder, an arm of support, and a driver of revenue by selling add-ons and other products to the clients that they manage. This dual-sales-support approach is contradictory in nature because a CSM is often seen as the customer’s trusted friend within the company, “an extension of the client.” Sales, however, requires a level of duplicity that could potentially undermine this trusted relationship; for example, if a new product is added to the company’s software suite and this new product is still in a very-green-and-barely-functional state, the Executive Leadership Team might have a sales goal of $11 million riding on this new product, with your own yearly goal being $500,000, so you are wink-wink-nudge-nudged into selling this half-working-borderline-bait-and-switch product to clients, which means you’re not going to tell clients that it’s a half-working-borderline-bait-and-switch product to begin with, which means you are a fucking liar simply by virtue of trying to keep your job; but being a CSM, you’re expected to be the client’s trusted friend, yet you are simultaneously encouraged to lie to the client in an attempt to penny-pinch their every last cent. This causes a certain level of cognitive dissonance, anxiety, and madness in the CSM that results in one of three things: 1) The CSM embraces the corporate duplicity and revels in the sales process; in which case they were already a psychopath to begin with (psychopathy being one of the main prerequisites for being a successful salesperson); 2) The cognitive dissonance builds up to the point where the CSM is forced to accept that it’s “just business,” and, when they turn off their work computer for the day, the computer screen functions as a benign demon-summoning circle, effectively locking the corporate hellworld away until the CSM is begrudgingly forced to unlock the seal the next day to continue supporting their family while perpetuating the hellworld by allowing themselves to be one of its little demon spawn (this is where I’m at); or 3) They quit and move on to greener pastures, but only the truly privileged can do this option because it’s not as if people want to become CSMs or salespeople, they do so because (causality being what it is) their bad choices led them to these positions as the only realistic options at the moment. It’s safe to say that if someone has one of these corporate-hellworld job titles, they probably didn’t grow up telling mommy and daddy that they want to be a CSM when they grow up, and if they did then I hope I never have the displeasure of meeting that person.

#5. A “Contact Center as a Service” (or CCaaS) company is one of the many variations of the modern CaaS company (which stands for both “Content as a Service” and “Container as a Service,” and I’m sure there are other names too). The “Contact Center” bit refers to selling software specifically targeted at call centers; call centers are like the nebulous place you would reach if you called your internet provider’s customer service line; it follows that my company sells stuff like call recording, desktop monitoring, workforce management, things like that. All CaaS companies sell software that is located within what they call their “cloud”; and “cloud” is a fancy (and tricky) way of saying “physical off-site servers located in a warehouse somewhere that we may or may not rent from another company.” These CaaS companies are nearly always pay-as-you-go cloud-based services with a subscription model. Before 2010, many software solutions were “on-premises” (or “on-prem”); a company would buy software, deploy it locally with their own hardware, and maintain it locally with their own IT and support teams. Starting around 2010, the technology for putting things into “the cloud” started taking off, and seeing this as an opportunity to siphon more money out of customers, many companies that offered on-prem software solutions started moving their product to cloud-based CaaS models; this allowed the company to charge customers not only setup and integration fees but recurring subscription fees; think of it like Netflix or Spotify, but with enterprise-level software like Microsoft Office or whatever. Companies that made the switch from selling on-prem to selling cloud often pitched their new cloud service as a way to “get continuous software updates in real time” and “get 24/7 support without having to rely on a smelly IT team within your own organization” and “ditch your physical hardware and let us do all the processing for you.” But the reality is, cloud software solutions take control away from the customer and put it all in the hands of a soulless corporate entity that is governed by sketchy legal immunities and weird MSAs (Master Service Agreements) with hundreds of stipulations like, “if your data gets leaked or hacked, we are totally not liable.” It’s no mystery why every software company – including game publishers – is trying to move to cloud models: it provides them with more customer data, which allows them to more effectively advertise to you, sell you more stuff, and the subscription model is more profitable long term than selling a product that the customer can keep indefinitely. Cloud models keep you paying for the same thing over and over again while never truly owning or controlling your own data.

#6. Foursomes, also known as Alternate Shot, is a golf format where two partners play together as a team, using a single ball. In this format, the partners take turns hitting the ball on each hole, whether in match play or stroke play. HOWEVER, even though both the Beckham representatives and my own co-workers said we were “playing foursomes,” we weren’t actually playing foursomes in a strict sense; we were to play a casual version where we hit one ball after another and just kept going from the ball closest to the hole (this is explained in greater detail later in Chapter 6).

#7. “Ts and Cs” is the corporate-email-speak shortening of “Terms and Conditions,” which is a clause in a document (or an entire document itself) that outlines the contractual obligations of both the seller and buyer if the contract is signed. For example, common T&Cs verbiage on a renewal contract will state something like, “if the customer does not provide written notice of refusal to renew within 30 days of their contract end date, the contract will auto-renew with a 3% increase from the previous contract value.” Oftentimes, the important T&Cs that have far-reaching implications are buried in paragraphs of meaningless legal speak, which makes sense because companies hire lawyers to write very specific T&Cs that are often reused over and over depending on the situation. “Ts and Cs” and its variants is also fun to say, just sorta rolls off the tongue. Its pleasurable pronunciation belies its often-terrible implications.

#8. This is not necessarily true. I have played golf before, but it was when I was nine or ten. I used to visit my grandpa’s house as a kid, and he would take me to the country club, and we’d hit balls. I hated it. According to my mom, I would refuse to get in the car whenever we were going to my grandpa’s house because I just hated golf so much. This hatred of golf is now a running joke in my family; whenever I talk to my grandpa, he says something like, “Hey, you should visit soon – I won’t force you to play golf this time, I promise!” When I told grandpa that I played golf with a client (see: this story), he sent me a huge box of golf paraphernalia (which included a putter “used by the pros” [his words]) that is now languishing in my garage. I can’t imagine the shipping he paid on that.

#9. Read-Only Memory; a ROM image, or ROM file, is a file that holds a copy of the data from a read-only memory chip (like one you would find in a Super Nintendo or Sega Mega Drive cartridge.) Emulation is then used to let you run these ROMs on modern devices, effectively mimicking the old hardware through software wizardry. I played Mario Golf on a Miyoo Mini+, a compact device designed to resemble a Game Boy Color.

#10. Boring encyclopedic stuff easily found online, but for the sake of thoroughness, here you go: “The modern game of golf originated in 15th century Scotland. The 18-hole round was created at the Old Course at St Andrews in 1764. Golf’s first major, and the world’s oldest golf tournament, is The Open Championship, also known as the British Open, which was first played in 1860 at the Prestwick Golf Club in Ayrshire, Scotland.” Per Wikipedia (lol).

#11. More glingo. A “hole-in-one” is when a golfer sinks the ball into the hole on their tee shot (the first shot); this is incredibly rare, and many professional golfers go their whole careers having never achieved this feat; I did it once in Mario Golf. More swing-related glingo: “pin high,” a shot that lands on the green from the tee; “up and down,” when a golfer gets their ball onto the green then into the hole in just two strokes. A “stroke” is the forward movement of the club made to strike the ball, or fancy glingo for “swing”; a “stiffed shot” is one that lands very close to the hole off the tee shot; “pure shot” is one that is perfectly struck with clean, solid contact (this may also be called a “flush,” which also refers to the solid contact made between a golf club’s face and the ball); and a “check up” is when a ball lands on the green but stops quickly with minimal roll, usually due to “backspin” (which is, coincidentally, another shot type in golf that makes the ball spin backward; I am entirely unsure how to achieve this and don’t really care enough to find out – if I do one day care enough, you have permission to kill me).

#12. You already know this jingle; and if you don’t, what are you even doing here?

#13. The term “birdie” refers to when a player takes one swing less to get the ball into the hole than the par of a hole itself. “Par” is the set number of strokes that a golfer, typically with a zero handicap, is expected to need to complete a hole. A “handicap” is kind of what it sounds like but is far too complicated for me to fully explain here (and I don’t want to explain it), so I’m going to point you to this article, which covers every little detail about handicaps.

#14. One of those white narrow-body, medium-range things. Airplanes look kinda like elongated diet-soda cans with poorly glued-on attachments to me – real unnatural abominations that just shouldn’t be up there in bird airspace. Some real avian heresy. It doesn’t help that American Airlines airbuses feel like they haven’t been renovated since the early ’70s; while most airlines now have little monitors on the back of the seats or maybe a USB plug or two to keep your stuff charged up, the American Airlines A319 airbus has one foot of legroom and a back-seat pouch that literally nothing can fit in except the thinnest magazine – that’s it. When the flight attendant tells you to “place your electronics in the off position and stow them away safely,” what they really mean is, “just throw that shit on the floor.” Don’t get me wrong, airplanes are technical marvels that help keep us connected to friends and loved ones, but maybe – just maybe – we wouldn’t need to take airplanes to see our friends and families if airplanes didn’t exist to take those same friends and family away from us to begin with.

#15. The hotel, including all travel and food expenses, was (is) covered by the company. If it were up to me, I’d stay in a motel – I don’t care. In fact, I find cheap motels have more character than the typical company-preferred Marriotts and Hyatts. Regardless, you best believe I splurge on junk food – pizza, sweet candy, pretzels – during these trips, and I expense every last cent of it.

#16. When someone has “moved on from the company,” this means (9 times out of 10) that they were fired. “Moved on” is clever corporate speak to cover up layoffs and keep morale up without outright lying because technically getting fired is “moving on from the company.” Example: “John has moved on from the company; yes, I know he was your boss and you talked to him every day; I know it’s weird he didn’t even say goodbye and that he just kind of vanished, but that’s because he has moved on to different opportunities. We are all sad to see him go. He was a great asset to the company.” (Note: I’ve heard people say that companies can only do this if they laid off less than 10% of the workforce; there are supposedly legal requirements for companies to announce layoffs of 10% or more, although I have never seen this claim substantiated and it probably varies from state to state.)

#17. According to the Mayo Clinic, alcoholism is: “a chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled drinking and preoccupation with alcohol.” Doctors can diagnose alcoholism (or “Alcohol Use Disorder” if we want to get technical) using diagnostic manuals like the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). But my question is, can you be diagnosed with alcoholism if you have never taken a sip of alcohol in your life? Do you just have alcoholism from genetics or whatever? Or is alcoholism more like a predisposition to a lack of impulse control, which lends itself to addiction and substance abuse of all types? Perhaps “alcoholism” is this lack of impulse control manifested through alcohol, hence the practicality of calling this particular diagnosis “alcoholism”? Ignore me. I’m not a doctor.

#18. And still is, as of the writing of this footnote. Remember, the past-tense thing?

#19. I wish I could take credit for this word, but alas … I stole it from David Foster Wallace: “The doctor’s small nods were designed to appear not as responses but as invitations to continue, what Dretske called Momentumizers.” (Infinite Jest)*

Part 2

(Originally published on 7/19/2024)

#ComputerGames #MarioGolf #Autobiographical

dionysus-death-title.jpg

Original Text

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Chapter III: The Glass That Broke Dionysus

“Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.” –Aristophanes. c. 450-385 BCE.

But I really shouldn’t.

From the beginning of human civilization, people have been getting totally wasted. Even the first recorded writers were boozing it up.#20 It all started with the domestication of cereal grains, which led to the accidental creation of beer, which led to both beer and bread becoming some of the world’s first currencies,#21 and eventually, this turned into a whole thing with beer and rum and wine and whisky and brandy becoming the currency to trade slaves with whilst also being rations to keep those very same slaves hydrated,#22 and it kept the slave traders themselves hydrated too, no doubt, making the slave traders slaves in their own way (to alcohol). It’s no surprise that alcohol became so popular, as humans need water to survive at far greater urgency than they need food; as such, early human civilizations always popped up around rivers and lakes,#23 but these waters were often unsafe to drink; so, booze was safer to imbibe than local water supplies; think about Oog’s sewage system, and then think about how he didn’t actually have a sewage system at all and instead just did his business in the nearby pond, and now think about drinking water out of that nearby Oog’s-business pond; considering this, if someone came up to you and said, “hey – check out this new drink, it’s not shit water and it tastes OK.” You are going to drink it, and on the plus side, it makes you feel a little silly and helps you forget about the wolf pack that keeps eating your chickens. And this is how alcohol came to control humanity.

According to Greek legend, Dionysus fled to Greece to escape beer-loving Mesopotamia, bringing with him delicious wine.#24 Wine, unlike beer, had a far more pleasant taste and its purple hues exude an air of royalty. When wine popped up after the accidental fermentation of fruit juice, it became the drink above all other drinks. Wine was an instant hit. People loved wine; still do. I love wine. In fact, back then, people started to perceive beer as a lowly peasant drink while wine was elevated to The Sophisticate’s Beverage; and this perception still exists to this day, considering the default beverage at any modern formal adult-oriented event (that is not a backyard cookout) is typically wine. Back in ancient times, beer and watered-down swill wine were rationed out to workers,#25 while the primo wines were hoarded by the upper class for both everyday drinking and massive parties; for example, the Greek symposiums, which were private men-only drinking parties where the mighty menfolk discussed such things as philosophy, the arts, and which combatant was going to get their head lopped off in the upcoming arena battle.#26 It is not an exaggeration to say that wine was the lifeblood of Greece and Rome; and if these ancient peoples survived off wine, then surely so could I.

I told myself: Alcohol is basically humanity’s best friend – who am I to deny that bond? The entire adult-industrial complex runs on beer and wine. After dark, corporate culture becomes drinking culture. I am not above it. I’ll just have one glass with Jordan and Anders, then I’ll duck out.

That night’s symposium was a glass table fit for four that overlooked the neon downtown in such a way that we looked as if we were engulfed in mystic fire. Anders was there tapping away at a glowy screen#27 between sips of brunette foam. As I took my seat, Jordan took a long look at me then said, “You wear an earring,” followed by one of those little “huh” sounds as if verbalizing a question mark; this was my second in-person interaction with the man, outside of him handing me a drink moments earlier.

(And, yes, I wear an earring; I have had a small white-gold hoop earring in my left ear for over sixteen years; in high school, I wanted so badly to look like Johnny Marr#28 from The Smiths that I emulated his messy Beatles-esque haircut plus single-earring aesthetic to a tee [all the coolest 90s British bands were doing this]; of course, my mom wouldn’t let me get the piercing done professionally [Southern belle energy, low-key catholic], so I resorted to having a friend force a sewing needle through my iced lobe. I don’t remember it hurting too much. The point is, yes, I wear an earring: I like both how it looks and what it symbolizes: that being my youth plus the influences that molded me into who I am today, for better or for worse. Sometimes I take the earring out to avoid awkward conversations like the one with Jordan in the previous paragraph; but also because some clients don’t want a man who wears an earring to manage their business; but they won’t outright tell you that, instead they’ll just look at you as if mentally signing cross#29 and snub you at every opportunity; this is more common of clients located in the deep American South, which is unfortunately where I live. This is what the corporate world does to you; it chips at your youth, chisels away your individuality so that it fits handsomely into a cheap suit. No one tells you to take out the earring; instead, you are subtly cajoled by an intangible-corporate-cultural milieu into adopting the standards of the majority; this is the “Company Culture” you hear so much about in job interviews and those mind-numbing all-hands meetings; it’s an unspoken tyranny of the majority.)

Jordan didn’t push the earring thing, probably because I could see his own pierced ear just missing the actual earring, so I figured he must have been a victim of the Company Culture too. I lifted that glass of red that Jordan so generously ordered for me and considered taking a sip. The symposium would be far more bearable if I just took a sip, I thought. In fact, wouldn’t it be offensive if I didn’t take a sip at all, considering Jordan bought the glass for me? But I knew what would happen if I drank that glass of wine: I. Would. Not. Stop. So I placed the glass down on the table and refocused my attention on Jordan and Anders, who were now early into a conversation about something having to do with balls – sports or whatever. I watched like a turtle out of its shell before Jordan turned to me and said something like, “Which team are you rooting for?” And I made the standard I-obviously-don’t-give-a-shit-about-any-of-this response of, “Well, I root for whichever team is winning at the time.” And this caused some laughter which may or may not have been genuine. Without drink, my mind’s eye was rolling faster than the rock after it had crushed Sisyphus and left him nothing more than a bloody impression on the mountain.

Within ten minutes, I was wishing for Mario Golf,#30 then sleep. I started to formulate an escape plan, but before I could do anything, Anders and Jordan launched into the inane-small-talk lightning round: how’s Beckham doing from a support perspective; do you have any plans for the upcoming July 4th weekend; do you think they will renew their contract; do you play any sports; why not; do you think there’s an opportunity to sell them our new AI software; how are the kids doing; is the one-year-old talking yet; I bet your ten-year-old daughter is becoming a real handful; what do you like to do in your spare time; have you seen Ted Lasso#31; isn’t it amazing; it’s really the best TV show ever; that Joe Biden is sure showing his age; the weather has been really weird lately; you don’t hear much about the war in Ukraine anymore; I let my sixteen-year-old drink sometimes but only at the house and only when I’m home to supervise; how about that Covid-19; what time are you getting up in the morning; why haven’t you touched your wine.

And of course, Anders repeated back every answer as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, as is his nature. And doubly of course, I was bored out of my skull; barely responsive; “get me out of here” written all over my face; might as well have been wearing one of those THIS-IS-WHY-I-DRINK t-shirts.

image.png *it’s true.

(I will be switching to present tense for the next few paragraphs.)

This is hard to explain, but I’m going to try my best. I do not fit in. I have never fit in. I barely even fit in with groups that hold similar interests to me, and this publication is proof of that: I tackle computer games like social and personal problems, and as a result, my writing largely doesn’t appeal to the group I find myself writing to, that being quote-unquote gamers. I don’t care about sports (other than tennis, which I still don’t care that much about), and I don’t have the attention span to learn enough about the balls or the teams or who won the game last night to carry on a conversation, because I have limited free time and I would rather spend that time doing something that I care about. I am unwaveringly in my zone and refuse to budge. I can’t even go to dinner with clients without being laughed at because my diet is such that I eat like a nine-year-old who always orders plain pasta. I am functional, but I have a number of minor quirks like the pasta-eating thing that make people tack on one of the following adjectives when referring to me: weird, eccentric, quirky, creepy, abnormal, peculiar, and sometimes (by older people, and out of earshot) queer. I realize this all sounds very high school, and the truth is I haven’t changed much since then. When I’m not with my kids, I spend my free time reading literature, taking notes, writing essays, listening to music while taking notes, occasionally playing computer games, and sometimes I’m just pacing around thinking about these things. You would think I could talk to my peers about my interests, but no; salespeople see these interests as running counter to The Grind. If a salesperson reads, they read something like QBQ! The Question Behind the Question by John G. Miller#32; they don’t read I Am a Cat by Natsume Sōseki. If a salesperson listens to music, they listen to Tim McGraw, Guns ‘N’ Roses, and Queen (“We Will Rock You,” “We Are the Champions,” “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and maybe “Another One Bites the Dust”); they don’t listen to Fiona Apple, The Fall, and Pale Saints. If a salesperson plays computer games, it’s with their children between dinner and bedtime and only for thirty minutes because, to them, computer games are an unhealthy treat more akin to ice cream than broccoli. If a salesperson writes, it’s a business email with a bunch of jargon like “I’ll circle back with a touch base at the top of the hour once we have the bandwidth to support addressing these low-hanging fruits,” not a ten-thousand-word essay using the villain from Morrowind as an analogy for smartphones.33 I have nothing in common with my peers; and before you say it, I am not trying to hold myself on a pedestal above them – OK, well, maybe a little bit, but mostly not; my peers’ collective worldview produces positive outcomes for them, I recognize that; and my unorthodox worldview, coupled with my offbeat proclivities, has made socializing and even minor success more arduous than they need to be; and I do realize there are certainly those with much harder lives than myself; for example, anyone not born in a first-world country; in fact, you could only be like me if you were born in a first-world country to begin with, as anywhere else would beat the weird out of you early on. So yes, I am fully aware that I am privileged. I am fully aware that I am a bit of a navel-gazer, also. I can’t help it. I try to work within the framework handed down to me by a mixture of biology, split-custody parenting, Headmaster Ritual-like#34 schooling, and one-summer-at-military-camp, run through a personality type consisting of unyielding contrarianism with a touch of bashfulness which creates a cognitive dissonance that settles itself somewhere between “I’m just going to fake it until I make it” and “Please kill me now.”

Adding another sprinkle of cognitive dissonance into the mixture, I can’t blame Jordan and Anders for being all about The Grind; and in some ways maybe they’re better off than I am for unflaggingly respecting it; they chase money to provide a better life for their families in the same way I do, but they don’t hate themselves for it; they see The Grind as Just How It Is, Man. I, too, see The Grind as Just How It Is, Man, but also that it doesn’t have to be this way and surely there is more to life than this. The problem is, I think too much; and it’s not a good thing. People will often try to put a positive spin on overthinking by saying something like, “Thinking too much is a superpower!” But thinking too much is not a superpower when you’re thinking yourself off a balcony. Thinking too much is not a superpower when you think yourself into repressing your identity and, as a result, no one truly understands you, not even your own family, because you can’t open up to anyone outside of writing long run-on paragraphs about your cosmic angst on the internet.

I just can’t get over myself. I’ve tried. The fact that I considered deleting this entire section because it might make me seem like an egomaniacal sociopath yet decided to leave it uncut is further proof that I just can’t get over myself. I have never belonged, and it’s my own damn fault. I have especially never belonged in the corporate world. I’m the antithesis of corporate. I hate corporate, yet I am corporate. I am a cog in the machine of my own ruin. I perpetuate my own despair. Steven Brag thinks I should quit my job, maybe he’s right.

(I am now switching back to past tense.)

So, when I raised that purple alchemy to my lips and the pungent redolence of every good time I’ve ever had whilst wasted wafted through my nostrils, how could I resist? I could make the cosmic angst go away. All I needed was one glass of ancient grapes, and I would return to my rightful place in the Software Pantheon: Dionysus.

That velvety serum spilled down my throat, coating my stomach in a thin layer of viscous violet. I took another sip; and another; and another; and another. Soon I was on my second glass. Jordan was buying. I remember his laughter. I remember bonding over tennis, coworker gossip, and the fantasy of the perfect father-son relationship; and we talked about all this for some time. Jordan said many times, “Hey – you know, despite that earring, you’re not so bad!” I remember there was a shared plate of french fries that was accidentally drenched in wine, so we ordered another plate. More laughs. At some point, I got up from the symposium and demanded a cigarette from a nearby group of young men, a cigarette that they, apparently, did not have, but I insisted that they did; “Just look at you guys, one of you has to have a cigarette – don’t tell me you all vape!” And their responses were less than kind. More laughter. Nothing mattered. Dionysus was on the rooftop.

When I returned to the symposium, literally amongst the clouds, toasting my glass of cabernet to the neon below, cigaretteless and unfettered and nearly falling over, there was a shot of tequila waiting there for me. The Software Pantheon then took a round of shots; and another; and another; and another. And the next thing I remember was that cognitive trickery when you stare at someone’s face while upside down and your brain tries to make sense of the upside-down face but only ends up morphing it into something out of a bad shrooms trip. I remember being scared. I remember saying something like, “I gotta go back to my room now – anyone know my room number?” I remember panicking. And then nothing.

That’s it – that’s all I remember.

Chapter IV: Blackout

“Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things.” –“On the Orator”. Book by Marcus Tullius Cicero, I. 5, 55 BCE.

I want to use this chapter to take a break from the story and reflect on what’s happened so far. I also want to cover some scientifical and philosophical details about the number one human pastime: drinking alcohol.

There are two types of alcohol-induced blackouts. The first is called a “fragmentary blackout,” commonly referred to as a “brownout” and sometimes as a “grayout.” A person is considered to have experienced a brownout when they can recall some events from a night of drunken partying, but not all the events; a person may be prompted to remember the missing bits by verbal and situational cues. The second type of alcohol-induced blackout is referred to as an “en block blackout”; this is a true blackout in which the person experiencing the blackout cannot remember what happened during the period of intoxication and no amount of prompting can remind them. A true blackout results in permanent memory loss. Those under the effects of either type of blackout are not necessarily incapacitated; they may appear to be functional and able to complete complex tasks, they simply won’t remember doing those complex tasks. The science is still out on the exact mechanics at play here, although the general consensus is that when a person raises their alcohol level too high within a small window of time, it effectively shuts down their hippocampus, which is the region of the brain that turns short-term memories into long-term memories. However, the amount of alcohol needed for this to happen varies from person to person and can be hastened by others factors such as medication, weight, exhaustion, overheating, and lack of sleep.#35

Forget about the physical implications of this for a second; let’s consider the philosophical stuff instead. Philosophically, alcohol-induced blackouts are tree-falls-in-the-woods levels of weird. Schrodinger’s alcoholic: If you blacked out but there were no witnesses, did you actually exist at all during that period? You could have killed someone and hidden the body really well, but you will never know unless a police officer shows up at your door: “We found the body; it has your DNA all over it.” Pretend, for a moment, that you died and no one remembered you – did you exist at all? And if you did, what would have been the point if no one remembered? Memory is one of the few things we rely on for a sense of permanence; this is partly why conditions like Alzheimer’s and anterograde amnesia are so tragic.#36 We value a sense of continuity, and this continuity breaks when memories go missing. When we choose to drink alcohol, we willingly submit ourselves to this paradoxical missing-memory flux, the only question is: why? My slight cheekiness belies a deadly seriousness, because this is spooky stuff. If this paradoxical state of maybe-happened-maybe-not doesn’t stop someone from drinking alcohol, I have no idea what will.

But enough about the philosophical stuff, maybe you don’t care about all that and think it’s a bit eggheaded, and that’s fine. Instead, let’s talk about how alcohol impacts the sense of self and how that impacted sense of self is especially dangerous when coupled with the possibility of a blackout.

It’s said that alcohol brings out a person’s true self, but I have never subscribed to this line of thinking in a strict sense (and I’m aware that this could very well be motivated reasoning due to my possible alcoholism, but bear with me). When someone says that alcohol brings out a person’s true self, they mean something like, “you got drunk then flirted with that guy because you want to fuck that guy,” and then they draw the conclusion of “and because you want to fuck that guy, you don’t love me”; therefore, alcohol has brought out this hypothetical partner’s true self: the whore of Babylon who only wants to sleep around and is not capable of loving anyone except themselves. However, I posit that this “wanting to sleep around” just exists inside all of us by default, and when we are in our right mind, we can reason it away with logic and all-around good sense; consider this line of thinking, “I do find Person B attractive, but I am in a committed relationship with Person A whom I like very much; therefore, I will not sleep with Person B because it will damage the relationship with Person A.” I would then posit that anyone who finds this line of thinking faulty is a liar who is not ready to have honest conversations about what’s going on inside themselves.

What I’m trying to say is: there exists within us this ancestral being, let’s call him#37 Oog, that wants to fuck and fight, but our higher cognitive ability can reason Oog back into his cave. We, as humans, have a higher cognitive ability than non-human animals,#38 and this higher cognitive ability erects barriers around the Ancestral Oog. These barriers are based on both hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary biology and everyday learned experience; these barriers then form the basis of our individual personalities; not only our outward persona, but our inward ego too. So, if alcohol brings out the “true self,” then what it’s really doing, according to my possibly total bullshit theory, is tearing down the barriers that keep the Ancestral Oog in his cave. If the lesson then is, “all true self is Ancestral Oog,” then I would follow-up with this question: Is our true self defined by the primal urges we fantasize about in our minds, or by the personae we construct and strictly adhere to throughout our entire lives?

If we can agree that alcohol brings out the Ancestral Oog, then we can agree that alcohol is dangerous; and if we couple this with the fact that alcohol can turn off your memories whilst also bringing out Ancestral Ogg, then we can concede that alcohol is very dangerous; and if we concede that alcohol can do all of this whilst also being physically and psychologically addictive,#39 manipulating a person to think about consuming alcohol and giving them the violent shakes whenever they are alcoholless, then we can concede that alcohol is very very dangerous indeed.

But, Dionysus doesn’t care about any of this. “I am not manipulated by liquids.” Dionysus tells himself.

Chapter V: The Morning After

“I have never blacked out. That’s what I told myself.” –Me (the author). Two chapters ago.

I woke to a blaring WOO-HOO! Mind swirling, lamp flickering, skin crawling, sheets drenched, head throbbing, and my hands were damp and sticky. I spun myself into an intricate web of white linens as I flailed my hands, searching for the source of Blur’s “Song 2,”#40 which happened to be my phone’s ringtone; Graham Coxon’s rhythmic strumming and that fuzzy bass tone, mixed with the flashing lamp, were driving my headache to levels of living hell that I had not known existed; every note was a wince; every time Damon Albarn opened his very British mouth, I, too, opened my mouth: to scream expletives. I soon realized that the noise was coming from the dresser on the opposite side of the room,#41 so I rolled myself out of bed onto my knees and crawled to the source. I must have looked like a Roman who had one too many glasses of wine at the symposium and accidentally crawled into a time portal leading to a rock concert in a seedy British pub because I was completely nude besides some linens loosely wrapped around my lower half like a makeshift toga. The lamp continued to flicker. My head continued to pound.

After crawling my way to the dresser, I slung my hand over the top, fruitlessly patting around for my phone until I forced myself to my feet to pick up the thing. I answered with a gruuhgg that sounded like hello in my mind, and I was greeted with a “Rough night last night?” It was Jordan: “I called you like ten times. You’re lucky we didn’t leave without you. Get your ass down here.” I could hear faint laughter behind the static. I said something that sounded like “Yeah, be right there” before dropping the call almost as fast as my stomach dropped.

My entire gastrointestinal tract tied itself into a constrictor knot in real time; every pull of my intestines, every twist of my stomach: felt. I deadeyed the wall as my insides rearranged themselves and I was overcome by the horror that everything was my fault. History was repeating itself: I had gotten wasted, overslept, and was going to be late for the Beckham Golf Charity Event, again.

Pushing through the horror, I resolved myself to take the blame for The Software Pantheon’s collective golf tardiness. I had never been one to lie about my behavior, and there was no opportunity to do so considering Jordan and Anders were both witnesses to my Dionysian ritual madness.

image.png *death and his brother blackout.

Knowing that I had little time to get ready, I swiftly approached my suitcase and removed a pair of khaki shorts, some socks, and a white aloha shirt dotted with an almost-psychedelic flower pattern. Before throwing the shirt on, I relocated to the bathroom and took a look at myself in the mirror; I looked fine besides messy hair, purple lips, and sleep-crusted eyes, which I hastily fixed before brushing my teeth and gargling mouthwash. Then I noticed that the standing shower was wet and there was a goopy darkness with chunks clogging the drain, but I could not remember taking a shower the night before; and the goop: was that vomit? I threw my shirt on then headed back into the main room. I inspected the flickering lamp, the switch was in a not-fully-pressed position, and fixing that fixed the flickering, but I noticed the hard-paper lampshade was ripped and dented: was the lampshade always like this? I turned to the bed and saw streaks of purple across the sheets and mattress; I reached out to touch the streaks, to see if they could be rubbed off, but they were stained and would not even smear: was this wine? As I explored the room further, I noticed several out-of-place oddities that could not be explained: my laptop was flipped over on the small hotel desk, the mouse was missing, cards from my wallet were scattered all over the floor, the hotel mini-fridge was ajar and empty, a dry towel was draped over the flat-screen television, the television itself was tuned to a dead channel, faint purple handprints were all over the walls, and a half-eaten granola bar was on the floor near the trash can.

Surely, I was the cause of all these things, but how come I couldn’t remember any of it? Did I black out? But I have never blacked out before. How did I even get to my room last night? I remembered not knowing my room number, so who helped me into my room? Did that person enter the room with me? Did that person damage the lampshade? Did I get into a fight with that person? But I didn’t have any visible injuries. Was it a woman from the bar? Did I cheat on my wife? Did I call my wife? Maybe my wife gave me my room number? That must have been it; I must have called my wife; she must have given me the room number and then helped me get to my room.

I wanted to prove the wife theory, so I checked my phone’s call log and saw that several calls were made to my wife around 1 AM, but she didn’t answer any of them. I then opened Signal (our preferred messaging app) and found two video messages that I had sent to her: The first featured an incredibly trashed version of myself panicking about my forgotten room number: “How am I going to get back to my room? I don’t know where I am. Should I go to the front desk? Babe, are you there?” And the second was sent twenty minutes after the first; in the second recording, I could tell I was in my hotel room by the pattern on the wallpaper in the background, and I was rambling on and on about wanting to talk to someone while complaining about how sick I felt, all barely comprehensible. There was only a single message after the final video, it was from my wife: “You need to get some sleep. I hope you feel better in the morning. I love you.”

I still don’t know how I got back to my room that night, or how I’m not divorced yet.

My wife must have been worried sick; not to mention all the other times that I had done this to her. I thought of how she must have worried about me all those nights, out late on business trips, getting near blackout drunk (but never having blacked out before!) and all the possible trouble I could have been getting into – legal, romantic, or otherwise – only this time, I couldn’t remember if I had gotten into any legal-romantic-or-otherwise trouble at all. What if her fears came true? How would I even know?

I attempted to puzzle out the remainder of my drunken night with the accidental clues left behind by my stupid self, but the trail grew cold and I was forced to come to grips with the fact that I had blacked out. But I didn’t want to believe it. I had never blacked out before. I had told myself that I was immune. I had told myself that I was Dionysus.

But gods don’t black out, do they?

Part 3


Footnotes:

#20. This isn’t a stretch, considering that the first writings were recorded in Uruk (modern-day Iraq) and date back to the 4th millennium BCE and that by the beginning of the 4th millennium BCE, wine and beer were produced in many locations in Mesopotamia.

ThoughtCo. (n.d.). History of alcohol: A timeline. Retrieved July 18, 2024, from https://www.thoughtco.com/history-of-alcohol-a-timeline-170889

#21. I’m quoting the full paragraph here for the historical context, not because the passage is particularly well written or “awesome” (as the author of the article might put it) but because I want to rag on it a little bit: “As this approximately 5,000-year-old clay tablet shows, workers in ancient Mesopotamia were actually paid for their toil in daily beer rations – a form of remuneration which seems pretty awesome when you first think about it… and then just keeps on staying awesome the longer you think about it.”

I’m not sure how “awesome” getting paid in beer would be now that I think about it, considering beer slows you down and makes your work suffer; plus, as a natural diuretic, you’d be peeing all the time and might quickly become dehydrated; plus plus, I’m not sure I’d like to be out in sweltering heat with a buzz pissing all the time; the thought of that alone makes me uncomfortable. So, “beer rations” and “beer currency” were probably not awesome at all.

ScienceAlert. “This 5,000-Year-Old Clay Tablet Shows Ancient Mesopotamians Were Paid for Work in Beer.” ScienceAlert, 18 June 2020, www.sciencealert.com/this-5-000-year-old-clay-tablet-shows-ancient-mesopotamians-were-paid-for-work-in-beer.

#22. Strange, isn’t it? A whole market of slave-made rum in which that slave-made rum is then used to trade for more slaves to make more slave-made rum. Nonsensical, almost. (I’m sure some of that rum was used for other trades/purchases, which makes a little more sense.)

Got Rum?. “The Dark Side of Rum.” “Got Rum?”, https://www.gotrum.com/the-rum-university/rum-in-history/the-dark-side-of-rum/.

#23. All animals need water. Makes sense to build your mud hut near a lake or a river. All the biggest mud-hut fans were doing it, eventually forming mud-hut communities, which eventually formed mud-hut towns, mud-hut cities, mud-hut kingdoms. This all happened in an area now called “The Cradle of Civilization,” or modern-day Iraq roundabout.

Lumen Learning. “River Valley Civilizations.” “World Civilization”. SUNY, courses.lumenlearning.com/suny-hccc-worldcivilization/chapter/river-valley-civilizations/.

#24. The class-based associations surrounding beer and wine have existed since ancient times, and this short mythological story illustrates this long association. When Greece, and eventually Rome, emerged, Mesopotamia had a reputation for being a land full of barbarians, and since the preferred drink of Mesopotamia was beer, beer was associated with barbarians. As such, Dionysus fled Mesopotamia to escape the beer-loving barbarians and settled in Greece (and eventually Rome), bringing with him delicious, civilized wine. This association persisted through time, with wine typically being the focal beverage of formal dinners, banquets, weddings, galas, balls, etc., while beer is typically served at sporting events, barbecues, tailgate parties, and Lollapalooza. (Preemptive possible-total-bullshit warning.) Beer may have morphed into its standard can variety due to that mode of liquid transport being conducive to portability, adapting to the wild nature of the events at which it is served; whereas wine has (typically) stayed in a stemmed glass for careful sipping while sitting amidst something very fancy (or something).

“Chemistry in the Ancient World: A Brief History.” “Chemical & Engineering News”, vol. 10, no. 12, 2004, pp. 12-16. American Chemical Society, https://pubsapp.acs.org/subscribe/archive/tcaw/10/i12/html/12chemchron.html.

#25. Similar to [21], wine was frequently used as rations in the ancient world, especially in ancient Rome. There were many types of rationed wine, with most lower class people receiving watered-down swill wine; one such diluted variant was called “posca,” which was a blend of water and nearly-vinegar wine; less acidic than vinegar, it still retained some of the wine’s aroma and texture. Additionally, there is written record of Marcus Porcius Cato (or Cato the Censor or Cato the Elder, Roman senator, 234–149 BC) suggesting that slaves should receive a weekly ration of 5 liters of posca, so there is a substantial historical record of wine being used as a ration for both citizens and slaves.

Standage, Tom. “A History of the World in 6 Glasses”. Walker & Company, 2005.

Phillips, R. “A Short History of Wine”. HarperCollins, 2000, pp. 35-45. ISBN 0-06-621282-0.

#26. A symposium (sometimes “sympsion” or “symposia”) was indeed a men-only drinking party in Greece, typically taking place after a big meal. I had this idea to draw a comparison between symposiums and corporate drinking culture, the latter of which is heavily male-dominated, just as the former was. Corporate drinking culture is interesting in that women aren’t outright discouraged from participating, but women who choose to join “the boys” at the bar after working hours are typically looked down upon as loose women, the logic being, “What woman in her right mind would want to be surrounded by a bunch of drunk dudes?” This standard, of course, does not go both ways, as men who surround themselves with a lot of women are often lauded and held on a pedestal by other men. I’m sure there is something in here about “the patriarchy” and men’s unbalanced influence over history and culture (and how this is still happening to this day in sometimes equally overt ways), but that is the subject of another essay (an essay that I am not qualified to write). One could draw a comparison between golf and a symposium as well, as golf is a heavily male-dominated sport with a focus on “getting away from the wife and kids to drink on the green with the boys.” Add in the fact that old-school (and very politically incorrect) golfers consider tee boxes closer to the hole “ladies tee boxes,” and you have the whole gamut of misogyny at play (this “ladies tee box” is covered in the last chapter of this essay).

For more information on symposiums:

“Symposium.” “World History Encyclopedia”, World History Foundation, https://www.worldhistory.org/Symposium/

#27. The year is 2024 and everyone is literally looking at phones, myself included. You, reader, probably looked at your phone within the last 5 minutes; you might even be reading this on your phone. I could write a whole ten-chapter essay on phones (see [33]) and how they’re ruining our attention spans and how even though phones have given us an accessible wealth of knowledge right in our pockets we are more stupid than ever before and how The National Safety Council reports that cell phone use while driving leads to 1.6 million crashes each year and how phones nowadays seem designed in such a way that babies as young as 8 months old can figure out how to swipe left and right and access YouTube and how parents are just giving children unfettered access to phones which is exposing kids to radical echo chambers thereby ensuring an early descent into partisan hackery and how work-life balance has been entirely eroded by the fact that clients/managers can just call you on your phone while you’re at the beach on a weekend. I could keep going, but I am going to leave it alone for now.

#28. This is it; you can’t get Cooler than this.

#29. The sign of the cross (sometimes called “blessing oneself” or “crossing oneself”) is a common “ritual blessing” hand gesture resembling a cross that old-school Christians do when they see something or someone that does not conform with their narrow worldview. Black clothing? Sign of the cross. Man with earrings? Sign of the cross. Baby out of wedlock? Sign of the cross. Women showing ankle? Sign of the cross. Someone uses the word “crap.” Sign of the cross. Two women holding hands? Sign of the cross. Using proper terms for anatomy instead of stuff like “dinky” and “wee wee.” Sign of the cross. (Note that they won’t sign the cross when someone pretends to eat the corpse or drink the blood of some long-dead guy.)

#30. You almost forgot, didn’t you?

#31. I have not seen Ted Lasso; my contrarian bones will not allow me to watch it due to the superabundance of praise it gets from corporate goons and other people whose personalities are just polo shirts and self-help seminars. I’ve been on corporate calls where scenes or images from Ted Lasso are incorporated into the presentations; there’s always some sort of super deep life/business/leadership lesson that Ted Lasso can impart unto you according to these guys, but it’s always some real basic stuff like “Ted makes a lot of mistakes but doesn’t dwell on the past” and “Ted is always moving forward” and “Courage isn’t fearlessness – it’s doing the things even when you’re afraid!” Ted Lasso is the type of show that sports dads let their young kids watch and spin it as a mature growing-up moment, as if 29 to 30-minute episodes of a television show can impart some grand wisdom on their children so that they (the parents) don’t have to; “Now son, this show is a little mature but I think you’re ready for it and I want you to pay close attention when Ted loses the game here.” I just can’t with Ted Lasso. Maybe it’s good, but I’ll never know. Why am I like this?

#32. This is a super specific example, isn’t it? The reason it’s included is because this book was required reading at the company I worked for when writing this. The book is very much like Ted Lasso in that it’s all basic life lessons about personal responsibility, stuff like “stop blaming everyone around you – take action instead” and “ask better questions like ‘what can I do to make this better’ instead of ‘who dropped the ball here?’” etc. etc. I actually read this entire book in one sitting (not impressive, it’s like 70 pages); it wasn’t offensive but I didn’t get much from it. I did leave one note on the author’s claim that “stress is a choice”; my note was (is): “This is true maybe 20% of the time – chemicals exist in the brain.”

#33. See: Gods Among Men and Mer or: SOTHA SIL IS DEAD

#34. “The Headmaster Ritual” is the opening track of The Smiths 1985 album Meat Is Murder. The lyrics are about the belligerent abusive ghouls that run Manchester schools. English pop star Kirsty Macoll has described the song as “probably one of the best songs about being at school that I’ve ever heard.” Trying to describe the song’s greatness would not do it justice, just listen to it here.

#35. All the information in this paragraph is captured within the following source:

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Interrupted memories: Alcohol-induced blackouts. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/interrupted-memories-alcohol-induced-blackouts

#36. Alzheimer’s disease is a neurological disorder causing brain cells to degenerate, leading to a gradual decline in mental faculties, including the retention of memories and the ability to process information. Those impacted typically cannot function without supervision, and they will eventually forget the name of the person supervising them, which is tragic for both parties. Anterograde amnesia (or “Transient Global Amnesia”) is a special kind of memory loss where you can’t make new memories after the condition starts. You remember everything from before the amnesia kicked in, but anything new slips away almost immediately. This can happen because of brain injuries, illnesses, or even certain drugs, and it’s sometimes seen in late-stage Alzheimer’s disease.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings. “Relationship between Coffee Drinking and Risk of Colorectal Cancer: A Meta-analysis.” Mayo Clinic Proceedings, vol. 89, no. 10, 2014, pp. 1370-1381, https://www.mayoclinicproceedings.org/article/S0025-6196(14)01077-5/fulltext

Mayo Clinic Staff. “Alzheimer’s Disease.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 6 July 2023, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alzheimers-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20350447

#37. The use of “he/him” pronouns for Oog is deliberate (and kind of cheeky); I will let you draw your own conclusions on that.

#38. The fact that I’m writing this piece shows that I have a higher cognitive ability than a pig (for example). The reason this footnote exists, however, is for me to go on a tangent about animal suffering; or, at least, direct you to a tangent about animal suffering that I wrote almost a year before writing this piece. Some (humans) use this humans-are-more-intelligent-than-other-animals thing as a way to handwave the suffering of animals they see as “lesser” than them, mostly in an effort to justify the hotdog they’re stuffing down their throats; however, it does not follow that because we are smarter than other animals we should be able to harm other animals; it does follow, however, that we ought to use our higher intellect to minimize the suffering of animals, both human and non-human, because we are the most well-equipped to do so.

#39. People often overlook the physically addictive qualities of alcohol; long-term heavy drinking can make the body crave alcohol, as the body becomes accustomed to it, and if the drinker suddenly stops, they may experience shaking, nausea, profuse sweats and, in extreme cases, shock and/or death. Personally, I have never experienced these physical symptoms, probably because I have never imbibed enough for my body to become fully dependent on alcohol, but I have experienced the psychological recursive alcohol loops that produce endless justifications for drinking and the negative mood shifts that come with missing the habitual nightly drinks.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.-b). The cycle of alcohol addiction. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/cycle-alcohol-addiction

#40. “Song 2” starts with a four-bar drum loop that bursts into a hurricane of fuzz after Damon Albarn (singer/frontman of Blur) screams “WOO-HOO!”; reminiscent of American alternative rock of the 90s; the song is instantly memorable, alarming, and iconic; arguably Blur’s biggest hit, at least in the States. Many people in the U.S. only know Blur by this song and not their other huge U.K. hits such as “Girls & Boys,” “Beetlebum,” “Parklife,” “Popscene” (one of my personal favorites), and “Coffee & TV” (another favorite). “Song 2” sounds almost like an entirely different band when compared with Blur’s other work, the latter of which can only be described as some the most British music I have ever heard complete with pinky-finger-raising tea cups, bowler caps, cricket, Monty Python, running out of bog roll at the local pub, and fish and chips. One of the reasons for “Song 2” sounding so different is that, according to Graham Coxon (lead guitarist), the song was intended to be a prank on their record label who demanded a palatable U.S. single, so Blur wrote “a hit” in the form of a grunge parody that ended up being a true hit within the community they were parodying. Listen to the song here.

#41. I’m sure others do this too, but just as some added context: I place my phone away from the bed so that it’s out of arm’s length when I need to wake up early the next morning; this forces me to get out of bed to turn the alarm off, and the extra step of getting out of bed seems to help keep me out of bed. I only do this when the occasion is important, like the Beckham Golf Charity Event (obviously).

Part 3


(Originally published on 7/19/2024)

#ComputerGames #MarioGolf #Autobiographical

dionysus-death-title.jpg

Original Text

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Chapter VI: Dionysus Plays Golf, Dies

“A bad day at golf is still a good day of drinking.” –Ancient Golf Proverb. Unknown.

I discovered that Jordan was a kindhearted liar. By the time I was dressed and ready to go, it was only 7 AM. We had to be at the Beckham Golf Charity Event by 8:30 AM, and tee time was at 9 AM. Jordan got his morning prank in and it saved me from being late in the process, so I couldn’t be mad at him.

I met The Software Pantheon in the hotel lobby, which doubled as the breakfast lounge. I didn’t have time to sit and eat, so I took a travel mug of coffee and a bowl of cinnamon-something cereal to go in the taxi to the golf course. As I finished the bowl of cereal, leaving the hotel bowl and spoon in the taxi, my chest tightened up and I started to feel the fire traveling up my esophagus. The pain prompted me to remember that I had forgotten to take my heartburn medication and that this Beckham Golf Charity Event was shaping up to be a repeat of the first.

We arrived at the Heron Hollow Country Club at 8:45 AM. Wanda spotted me in the crowd and gave me a big bear hug. It had been over a year since we had last seen each other in person. She commented that I hadn’t changed one bit. I commented, in my head, on how thin she had become, likely a downstream consequence of her recent heart attack, which made me want to comment on the tall glass of thick red liquid that reeked of vodka that she was holding, which was probably something she shouldn’t be drinking at all, but I held my tongue because I’m nobody’s doctor. And I couldn’t judge her for drinking because I felt my own desire to drink bubbling up again; that desire to imbibe the ancient charismatic elixir. But I thought to myself, if I drank to fit in – did I ever fit in to begin with? Did the alcoholic elixir bring out hidden aspects of myself – the social aspects – or did the alcohol actually lock those aspects away only to be unlocked when under the influence? Like a liquid crutch. At this point, I was totally zoned out, lost in a sea of existential reflection, until Wanda poked me on the nose and said, “Everything OK in there?” And Jordan responded for me with, “He’s fine. He just drank too much last night.” And this prompted Wanda to recount the time I was four hours late to the 2022 Beckham Golf Charity Event.

The volunteers at the Beckham Golf Charity Event were already handing out free Bloody Marys,#42 a not-so-subtle admission that the sheer excitement of golf only starts getting exciting after a slight buzz, and the excitement rises in tandem with your blood alcohol level; because the whole golf thing is just not all that exciting without a drink or two. In fact, the golf thing is downright dreary. Since I didn’t bring my own clubs, I had to rent a set from the country club store; the inside of the country club was so clean that it bordered on offensive, so lacking in smell that it became a smell in and of itself, a smelly non-smell, an anti-smell that gets one acquainted with the smell of the inside of one’s own nostrils; every white wall was covered in gold plaques with some silhouetted golf man mid-swing all surrounded by green trim, and approximately zero plaques depicted women; the clothing racks were draped with the plainest polos you have ever seen and they dotted every inch of unused floor space; every shelf was covered in little rectangular boxes holding four golf balls#43 each for $25.99 a box, and I had to buy three of those boxes (and you better believe I kept those receipts to file on my expense report). This was nothing at all like the country clubs in Mario Golf, which were vividly colored locales bursting with thematic palm trees, cactuses, and swamps all complemented by chipper but not overbearing 8-bit chiptune softly blooping in the background; there was no music playing inside the real country club at all, it was almost deadly silent, only the light scrunching of khaki pants could be heard, people walked through the polo fields but they did so with the delicateness of someone who was one wrong step away from breaking a hip, or stepping on a landmine, or alerting a hidden guerrilla soldier hiding deep inside one of the polo racks, and this tracked because the clientele were all very white very old men who may or may not have seen a thing or two and likely preferred to be called “sir.”#44 This was a White Zone. If, without alcohol, I didn’t fit in with The Software Pantheon, I really didn’t fit in with these golf people; and this turned the volume up on alcohol’s siren song: “Just one glass and you’ll be talking Vietnam with the sirs in no time at all.”

To my surprise, after purchasing three $26 rectangles with balls inside, the man behind the counter dropped a small key into my palm and said, “Here’s your key.” I promptly responded with something like, “What for?” and he replied, “Your four-seater golf cart, sir. It’s number 26.” Then I thought to myself that these golf guys are handing out free Bloody Marys while also handing out keys to motorized vehicles, and someone thought this was a good idea, so I just went along with it, figured when in Rome, nodded as if I knew what I was doing, and walked out with my twenty-pound bag of clubs, three rectangular boxes of balls, and golf cart key dangling from my mouth because I had momentarily forgotten about pockets. It dawned on me that I must have looked like the most goofy person within a twenty-mile radius: floral-pattern aloha shirt, khaki shorts, maximum cow-licked Robert Smith hair, excessive golf paraphernalia, and a blank smile like that of a child just pushed out into the wilderness with nothing more than a Swiss Army knife, a box of matches, and a “Good luck kid, when you return: you’ll finally be a man.” And, man, at that moment, I was wishing hard for a Bloody Mary to help deal with the weird eldritch anxiety of the whole thing, but before that alcoholic wish could be granted, Wanda hurried up to me and said, “We’re going to miss tee time! Did you get the key? What about your balls? Did you get any tees? No? OK – that’s fine, I’ll let you use some of mine. Did you get yourself a Bloody Mary? No? Too bad. There’s no time! You know I’m taking Doug’s spot on your team, right?!” and then she started hacking real loud and I stared at her with a should-you-even-be-here look on my face.

image.png *leaving the White Zone. (the kid from Mario Golf looks way more presentable than I ever did).

After I nearly crashed the golf cart into a birch and ran it off the narrow golf cart path,#45 my foursome made it to the first hole. Anders said I was no longer allowed to drive the golf cart, and the fact that I was the only sober person didn’t seem to convince the group otherwise. Jordan then got very serious and asked each of us if we had played golf before, to which both Wanda and I replied a very quick no. Jordan explained the rules of the game: we were playing some casual version of foursomes, where each golfer hits the ball from the tee zone,#46 and then everyone hits from the location of the best ball, which is the one closest to the green, which is the area of immaculately cut grass surrounding the actual hole marked by a flagpole.

As Jordan was explaining the rules of golf, I noticed that there was another foursome waiting behind us. The thing about golf courses is that there are often multiple teams playing at once, so you have to wait on the team ahead of you to shoot their balls before you shoot your own. What this means is that you will often find yourself waiting around for upwards of twenty minutes with nothing to do other than talk to your partners because you have to wait on the team ahead of you. Golf etiquette dictates that you allow a team to complete the entire hole before you even make your tee shot; otherwise, you run the risk of accidentally hitting the golfers ahead of you with your ball. It’s also acceptable to make a judgment call and take your shots if you feel the team ahead of you is far enough away to not get hit by your ball. This was something that Jordan explained in great detail during his golf lecture.

Jordan kept going on and on about golf, the team behind us was growing impatient, and I zoned out for a moment, taking in the scenery of the surrounding course. The golf course reminded me of a computer game, but not necessarily Mario Golf. The course we were on was reminiscent of a huge empty space in one of those SimTown or SimPark games, the moment in which you’re just starting a new game and have nothing built on your allocated flat mono-green-colored land space; it’s just flat grass for virtual miles, and you have the choice to plop down little patches of trees and bushes and ponds and marshes and maybe populate some deer and chipmunks with the animal wand all right there in the scenery UI; because that’s what flora and fauna are on a golf course: scenery for humans to feel like they’re actually in a natural green space. A golf course is a virtual reality, and it’s easy to be fooled at first, but the more you look at that little pond with the mini-waterfall, the more you start thinking something like: what the actual fuck. What I’m trying to say is, golf courses are unnatural abominations that plowed over countless gophers, snakes, and bunny rabbits to perpetuate the human desire to hit little balls around masquerading as natural green spaces.#47 And sometimes these little aforementioned golf balls we love to hit so much hit animals outright; for example, the term “birdie” was coined after a golfer straight up knocked a bird right out of the sky with their golf ball. It follows that Golf is hostile to all life.

Jordan decided to take the first shot. He slid the driver#48 out of his golf bag as if removing a sword from its scabbard, stepped into the tee box, pushed a little wooden stake into the grass, placed a golf ball atop the stake, then started shaking his lower half like Shakira as if preparing to get into a stance of some kind. He started calling out his actions to me like a father would his son: “Alright, Forrest, you see how I’m standing here? Pay close attention to the tips of my toes. The tips of my toes are always forming a line in the direction I want to hit the ball. Now, look at my hands. You see how my hands are in the middle of the grip? And do you see how my left hand is snug above my right hand? This is a proper golf stance. This is what the pros do.” Jordan paused, then looked over to me to make sure I was paying attention, and I was. (Mario Golf didn’t teach about stance, only hitting the ball, so this was all new to me, and I had already resolved myself to write about this experience, so any mechanical knowledge was good knowledge at this point.) Jordan continued, “I’m about to hit the ball, but before I do, I’m going to think of nothing but the ball. I am going to look at nothing but the ball. Watch as I raise the club and then…” Woosh! My head immediately turned toward the direction where the ball should have gone flying off to, but Jordan’s vocal expletive refocused my attention, and I realized that he whiffed entirely. “OK, that was just a warm-up. Watch this one.” And the second time he swung, he really did hit the ball, and it was quite a good shot indeed. Jordan was pleased with himself, and he showed this in his swagger back to the golf cart. Next up was Anders, who hit a competent if unremarkable shot. And then Wanda, who, to my confusion, traveled several yards further down the hole and started teeing off in a separate tee box. Jordan then told me that this separate tee box was called the “ladies tee box” and was located closer to the hole so that “ladies would have a better chance at winning.” I had a hard time believing something this sexist existed in today’s social climate, so I pulled out my phone as Jordan was talking to search the term and found that “ladies tee box” was now frowned-upon terminology used by old-school golfers that referred to player handicap (not specifically gender), and that the modern politically correct term was “forward tee box.” Then it dawned on me that, as everyone was in agreement that Wanda was indeed using the “ladies tee box,” including Wanda herself, they were all, in fact, old-school and archaic themselves, which wasn’t much of a surprise but did put my company in perspective and prevented me from correcting their verbiage for fear of being ridiculed as a woke liberal (which, from their perspective, I certainly am indeed).

Then it was my turn: I stepped up to the tee box with a heart full of what might as well been literal fire and placed my dimpled white ball atop my wooden tee and grabbed my breast for a moment to contain the ever-worsening burning sensation swirling in my chest before copying Jordan’s position: pointed toes, left on right, focus on ball, audible gulp of stomach acid. And then, in one smooth motion, I swung my driver’s face into the golf ball. The ball went flying. It seemed like a very good shot. I then assumed the pose of a knight observing the battlefield after a hard-fought victory, I held the club upright on the grass with the palm of my hand, leaned on it a bit, and visored my other hand above my brow, watching as the ball traveled through the air. The ball soared for some time before landing in the nearby pond with a sploosh that echoed my failure across the green. I could hear the rest of the foursome chuckling as I returned to the golf cart. I shrugged my shoulders as Jordan said something mildly insensitive like, “Hey! Better than Wanda’s shot at least!”

image.png *pictured: yours truly (floral aloha and all), glingos.

As we reached the third shot on the first hole, a volunteer in a golf cart rolled up. “You boys want some drinks?” They had bottled water, soda, and a full assortment of alcoholic beverages on demand in a small wheeled cooler trailing behind them. I grabbed some water, gulped it down, hoping it would alleviate some of my heartburn, but it didn’t help; the pain was becoming unbearable. In the past, drinking had helped me forget about this pain (while paradoxically becoming a source of this pain later on), and I began to consider “just one drink.” That’s when Jordan turned to me with that Lokian look on his face, holding out one of those mini-bottles of wine. “It’s cabernet, your favorite.”

As I stared at the mini-bottle of wine, I started thinking to myself: A touch of wine would certainly make this whole golf thing more exciting. It would make the pain in my chest bearable, at least for now. Everyone else was drinking; Jordan and Anders were both sipping beers; Wanda was nursing her Bloody Mary. And while I was never much of a day drinker, this was a special occasion. When in Rome. The adult-industrial complex practically runs on beer and wine. Corporate drinking culture and all that; it’s part of the American Way of Life. You are expected to drink with the boys. That’s just how it is. I am Dionysus. I may have blacked out the night before, but that was only because I didn’t get enough sleep; that was an unusual circumstance, and it wouldn’t happen again. I’ll just have one drink, then I’ll stop. Just one drink.

I stood there silently staring at the mini-bottle; my mind swirling with excuses. Jordan was standing in front of me with a puzzled look on his face, mini-bottle of cabernet still outstretched. “You OK, man? Did last night freak you out or something? You’re still drinking, right?”

Dionysus overcame me. My lips curled into a grin, and I said, “Hell yeah, man – I still drink.” I snatched that mini-bottle from Jordan’s hand, enthusiastically lost in my excuses. As I twisted the bottle cap, I heard a whizzing sound, as if a fly were circling around my ear, so I turned to swat the thing, and that’s when a white blur crashed right into my forehead with a loud crack. My body launched backward. My hands flew up. The mini-bottle of cabernet went spiraling through the air, spitting a scarlet tornado on its way down, dyeing the once-green grass dark red. I landed hard on my back. Everything went black.

I haven’t heard from Dionysus since.

Epilogue

“It might sound dodgy now, but it sounds great when you’re dead.” –Hitchcock, Robyn. “Sounds Great When You’re Dead.” 1984.#49

Before we begin, I want to try to justify the existence of this essay as something more than just an egotistical rambling about my own life and how “not like the other girls” I am. I wrote this piece not only to chronicle my own alcoholic misadventures but also in the hope that it might help someone like me – someone contrary, stubborn, and skeptical of self-help – to come to grips with their own addictions by offering a (hopefully) relatable account from a (maybe) kindred perspective.

Since I reached drinking age, I’ve made hundreds of excuses for alcohol. I’ve even reached the point of saying, “I’m never drinking again, for real this time” multiple times; this time being one of those times. But like the finest of clocks, I eventually succumb to the excuses and start drinking again. The strongest (or worst, in this context) excuse I deploy isn’t covered in the main text of this essay; hence the purpose of this epilogue. The excuse I’m referring to is most effective because it’s irrational and egocentric. It goes something like this: “I know drinking is terrible for me, but I’m a tortured artist, and drinking adds to my character, charm, and mystique. Besides, hundreds of successful artists before me were addicts.” It’s one of many variants of “I want to be Cool,” and it’s toxic as hell; and knowing that it’s toxic as hell doesn’t help, that only makes the excuse more potent.

I’ve always treated substance abuse with a problematic level of romanticism. In fact, I think Western society as a whole has romanticized substance abuse since the 1960s, making substance abuse something of a fashion statement. You frequently hear about “artistic geniuses” who were also addicts: Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, Stephen King, David Foster Wallace, Hunter S. Thompson, etc. Each of these examples are now beloved cult figures, and whenever someone writes about them, the words “tortured genius” surely show up somewhere, with the very real mental health disorders underlying this tortured genius often ending up as a footnote at the end of one of many posthumous biographies. My point is, people love these tortured-artist stories, often turning the subject of these stories into near mythological gods; a celebrity pantheon of sorts; and people try to emulate their gods.

I wanted to be seen as one of these tortured artists. I wanted to be seen as someone who created great beauty whilst also being kind of ugly and broken in the most intriguing way possible; a prolific paradox; a consummate contradiction; a god in the pantheon of tortured artists; Dionysus. Even knowing that most of the aforementioned examples died by suicide or overdose, it didn’t matter to me; the flaws – the substance abuse – of these tortured artists made them more complicated, more human, more relatable, more interesting.

I wanted people to know that I wasn’t just some writer; I was a writer with problems – mental problems. And I drank. I drank a lot. But that was OK because I was still busting out hits. I was still writing those super deep and honest introspective essays. I may have been getting into all sorts of trouble and causing problems for the people around me, but one day someone (probably me) would write about that stuff in the past tense, and it would all be very Cool and interesting and just serve to add to my Dionysian mythos. “The serious mistakes that I’m making right now will make me seem more interesting later on; in hindsight, my substance abuse will add another layer of complexity to my character.” I told myself.

I wanted to be interesting, and flaws are interesting; every author knows this to be the basis for writing compelling characters in fiction. For a character to be interesting, they must have flaws. Readers need something to relate to; they need vulnerability; they need damaged characters; they want to know the dirty secrets of the characters; they crave tabloid-like scandals and dramas. This makes characters more relatable, more realistic, and sometimes more “well, at least I’m not as bad as [insert character name]!” You can’t have an interesting character without flaws. Following this logic, you can’t be a celebrity and a well-adjusted person simultaneously; this is the paradox of celebrity. Popularity is suffering. Art is difficult without trauma to fuel it. And as a writer, I must suffer for my writing to be genuine. I can’t hope to be even a mediocre writer without indulging in my flaws; that’s part of what makes me interesting. Woe is me. I suffer for my art. That is what I told myself. But I got it wrong.

We are more than our addictions. Everyone has flaws, and substance abuse doesn’t have to be one of them. I’m more than my substance abuse. I’m incredibly bubbly and unfocused; I’m dismissive and withdrawn to the people around me; I get jealous easily, especially when someone is better than me at something I pride myself on; I don’t call my family enough to tell them that I love them; I have body image issues; I don’t spend enough time with my kids; I have stupid superstitions and compulsions; I procrastinate on the important things in favor of my niche hobbies; I get highly frustrated when I can’t express myself adequately with words. I have more than enough flaws to fill a short novella. Why do I need to pile on substance abuse?

Whenever I stop drinking, this tortured-artist justification slowly creeps its way back: “Just drink! Who cares! Stephen King was an alcoholic too; he can’t even remember writing Cujo because he was so high and drunk!”#50

Stephen King eventually got help, but those other tortured artists weren’t so lucky – they fucking died; tortured themselves to death. And while the reason for these tortured artists’ deaths cannot be solely attributed to their substance abuse, it certainly played a large role.

Maybe it’s time that I get over it before I accidentally kill myself.

After that golf ball hit me in the head, I realized that there’s nothing Cool about drinking; there’s nothing unique about it. Adults everywhere are drinking, and they’re all drinking for similar reasons (most of which are already outlined in this essay). If the status quo is that it’s cool to drink, then drinking isn’t Cool at all because “status quo” has never been Cool to begin with. If you are a natural contrarian, you owe it to your recalcitrant nature not to drink; otherwise, you are betraying yourself. Rebellion is Cool, and not drinking is rebellion. If you truly want to be capital-C Cool, one of the Coolest things you can do is swim against the current, especially when that current is literal poison.

As of writing this, it has been over a month since my last drink; this is the longest I’ve gone without drinking in over ten years.

If you happened to read all this, thank you; I hope it wasn’t a complete waste of your time. And if you also happen to struggle with addiction, know that you are not alone. But you have to get over it, or one day the blackout will never end, and you won’t be around to know just how Cool you really are.

Our addictions do not define us.


Footnotes:

#42. A Bloody Mary (named after Queen Mary Tudor of England, supposedly) is a mix of vodka and tomato juice, spiked with a dash of hot sauce, lemon, salt, and pepper; usually topped with a stick of celery or a lemon wedge or sometimes (if you’re really unlucky) a pickle. Bloody Marys are as disgusting as they sound, believe me. They are often thought to help cure hangovers (which is not backed by any real science, of course). The Bloody Mary has become sort of a staple drink at golf events, maybe because of the anti-hangover myth, or maybe because they needed a drink as off-putting as golf itself? (Although I would say that Bloody Marys have more character than golf considering their bizarre mix of ingredients and bright red coloring, while golf is just kinda carting around from hole to hole hitting balls; in fact, people need Bloody Marys [apparently] to even get in the mood to play golf, yet another strike against the quote-unquote sport).

#43. The modern golf ball consists of three main components: the cover, the mantle, and the core. The cover is typically made from ionomer resin, which is some sort of polymer or other. The mantle and core are typically synthetic rubber infused with even more polymers. It’s pretty much polymers all the way down. You may be asking, “What about all the little dimples?” Well, I asked Jordan about that too, and he said something like: “Those little dimples help the air cling to the ball, cutting down on drag, giving it a nice backspin, and helping lift the ball higher into the air.” The Heron Hollow Country Club sold the following brands: Titleist, Callaway, TaylorMade, Bridgestone, Srixon, Ping, Wilson, Mizuno, Vice, Nitro, Snell, and Top Flite. Jordan said the best brand is Titleist; Anders said TaylorMade because, apparently, TaylorMade balls have three mantle layers instead of one, and this somehow makes the ball better or something.

#44. I shouldn’t joke about Vietnam Veterans. That’s on me. I do respect the troops (or whatever I need to say to not get backlash for this).

#45. The standard golf course is 18 holes; a typical par-4 hole is about 400 yards and will take up around 10 acres; this means that a typical 18-hole course could potentially fill 180 acres of land depending on the layout; to put that into perspective, an American football field covers approximately 1.3 acres of land; which means that the average golf course is around 138 football fields in length, which is about 8 miles or so; basically: golf courses are huge. It follows that you can’t just walk from hole to hole; you need a mode of transportation, and that mode of transportation is the golf cart. A typical four-seater golf cart is electric-powered (although some are gas) and can reach speeds of up to 14 miles per hour, and you have to drive these things on very narrow paths between holes, all while watching out for other golf carts. The golf cart paths themselves are perilous, almost hedge maze-like affairs, often unkempt, uphill, backwoods, and sometimes you have to go through the course green itself to bypass hazards such as fallen logs and holes in the path. And while I know how to drive a car, driving a golf cart on a very narrow path at 14 miles per hour because Anders keeps saying “go faster!” is a whole different story; it would be an understatement to say that I was scared shitless while driving that golf cart, and the “almost hit a tree” bit was not a one-time thing but a many-times thing, which is why the keys were taken from me (probably for the best, too).

#46. In case you forgot the contents of the second footnote, the “tee box” is the starting point of each hole. A golfer sticks a “tee” (wooden stake) into the grass and then places the ball on said tee. The golfer then hits the ball with a driver club (see [48]). Worth noting because it doesn’t come up in the story: a golfer will often hit the grass when taking a shot, and this will cause a patch of grass to dislodge from the ground; the dirty dent in the ground is called a “divot,” and “you must always cover your divots” by picking up the dislodged grass and shoving it back into the little hole you made (golfers are very concerned about the look of their artificial green space, far eclipsing the concern they have about the actual habitats that were destroyed in the making of their artificial green space; for environmental tangent, see next footnote).

#47. Golf courses are not environmentally friendly, although the United States Golf Association will tell you otherwise. I took the time to tackle each eco-friendly argument they (USGA) made in an article on their website titled, “The Environmental Benefits of Golf Courses.” (Obviously not a conflict of interest at all.)

Claim 1: “The total land area devoted to golf in the U.S. is relatively small, but courses can offer substantial environmental benefits – especially in developed areas where green space is increasingly limited.”

Counter: Rewording the claim makes it sound ridiculous (which it is): “Golf provides a small patch of much-needed artificial green over land that would otherwise be a concrete parking lot.” Or: “Golf courses suck, but at least it’s not cement, right?”

Claim 2: “Turfgrass and other vegetation on a golf course help cool highly developed areas during hot weather.”

Counter: So would natural woodlands and fields – why not just leave those? Oh, that’s right: you want to hit balls around.

Claim 3: “Golf courses provide important habitats for native wildlife and vegetation and can help support threatened species.”

Counter: “In case you needed another source, this claim is also backed by Golfweek!” In truth, this claim is a huge stretch at best and entirely dubious at worst; the USGA seems to hinge all their points on, “If a golf course wasn’t here, this land would be a parking lot!” and that’s fair, but this is like saying, “Hey – you think me stabbing you in the leg is bad? Well, that guy over there would be stabbing you in the gut!” Additionally, the placement of turfgrass destroys the natural habitat that was already there to begin with, such as woodlands, marshes, prairies, etc. You may see chipmunks, hamsters, squirrels, snakes, some deer, and birds on a golf course, but these animals are only using the turfgrass as a crosswalk into the sparse trees and bushes that the golf course overlords so generously left as decoration for humans. The fact is, placing turfgrass destroys the robust natural habitats that were there first and replaces them with unlivable turfgrass crosswalks.

Claim 4: “Golf courses can help manage stormwater runoff, aiding in flood prevention. They also recharge groundwater supplies and filter surface runoff.”

Counter: Huge stretch, and the use of the word “can” instead of just “golf courses help …” is telling. Note that across the US, golf courses use 1.5 billion gallons of water daily, so if they “aid in flood prevention” it’s really only by aiding in drought promotion.

Claim 5: “The vegetation on golf courses sequesters atmospheric carbon and helps improve air quality, especially in urban areas.”

Counter: Another if-we-didn’t-put-up-a-golf-course-this-land-would-be-a-parking-lot argument. Same thing applies: the natural habitat that the golf course destroyed would have been better at sequestering atmospheric carbon and improving air quality than some turfgrass.

#48. To understand how golf clubs work, you have to understand lofts; loft is the angle of the clubface that controls the trajectory and affects the distance of the shot; higher lofts create higher/shorter shots, while lower lofts produce lower/longer shots. (Note that the number before the iron is not necessarily the loft angle indication; instead, the 9 in the name “9-iron” refers to the club’s position in the set of irons. The 9 does indicate a higher loft angle, and therefore a shorter distance compared to clubs with lower numbers, but the 9 does not indicate “9 degrees” or anything like that. To make matters worse, loft numbers can be hidden; a driver has a loft angle but there is no number before the name of the driver to indicate its loft angle—you’re just expected to know that a driver has a lower loft angle, which produces a longer shot). As for the different clubs: Drivers are used for long-distance shots off the tee, with a loft of 8 to 12 degrees. Irons are numbered 1 to 9, with lower numbers (1-4) for long shots and higher numbers (5-9) for shorter, more precise shots. Wedges (e.g., sand and lob wedges) have higher lofts for short, accurate shots around the green. Hybrids combine the features of woods and irons, useful for long approach shots. Putters are used on the green to roll the ball into the hole. I learned all this not from Jordan or Anders, but from Mario Golf, which has an excellent interface showing you the different clubs and their lofts, all accompanied by a dotted line showing the distance the ball will travel; this was an excellent tool to come to grips with which clubs work for longer/shorter shots and how the numbers (which can seem kind of counterintuitive) work in reference to those longer/shorter shots.

#49. One of my favorite songs ever (not exaggerating).

#50. “There’s one novel, Cujo, that I barely remember writing at all. I don’t say that with pride or shame, only with a vague sense of sorrow and loss. I like that book. I wish I could remember enjoying the good parts as I put them down on the page.”

King, Stephen. On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. Scribner, 2000. ↩︎


(Originally published on 7/19/2024)

#ComputerGames #MarioGolf #Autobiographical

i'm selfish and vain contrary; i will not change loving me: insane

#poetry