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from forrest

4-something-lost

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4


  “It’s so nice, Ellie bringing friends over. She never brings anyone over, always in her room tinkering with something, head wrapped in a headset, sometimes on the holotable or clacking away on one of those old letter boards—the key thingies, whatever you call them—old stuff. Dunno why she needs them when we’ve got the headsets. She’s got some old screens in there too; dunno what she needs those for either, but she’s got them, sure does. You know, she left only an hour or so ago, said she was going to fix the net, and by the Gods, just like that, all the things start beeping and we’ve got net again. My brilliant little girl. Does spend too much time in front of the screens, though. Sometimes I worry that I’m not enough, that she needs someone else. Maybe I’m a little jealous of the screens. It’s just been her and me for as long as she can remember, hell, nearly as long as I can remember, you know. And those screens were always her closest friends. I was starting to think she didn’t have any real friends. She’s always been real stubborn too, gets worked up easy, thinks she knows best—maybe she does. I was kinda like that too when I was her age; her mom too, I think—well, I figure. Her mom, I can’t remember her face. It feels sad, but I’ve forgotten why it’s sad, so maybe it’s not so sad; I don’t know; who knows. There’s just a fog there. Echos Myron says the data’s corrupted, unrecoverable, even cut me a deal on future memory refreshes. Young guy at the counter said all nervous, ‘We’re so sorry about this, Miss Gigi, but the information tagged daughter has been fragmented beyond repair.’ I can remember his words word-for-word but can’t remember my own damn daughter, can you believe that? Maybe I never even had a daughter. I don’t know. I don’t even have any holos of her, which is kinda strange. You’d figure that, if I can’t remember my daughter, I wouldn’t even remember that I had one to begin with. And sometimes I do forget, until I look at Ellie, and then it all comes flooding back. Ellie is the only reminder I have left, like a solitary flower in a field of corpses; a reminder that there’s something more out there; something beautiful; something easy to forget. I don’t know. Some people say they’re putting stuff in the water, makes us forget things. Sounds crazy to me, but sometimes you gotta wonder. It’s probably just age, though. You can’t remember everything, right? But even nutters gotta be right sometimes, you figure. The Complex Authority is definitely putting contraceptives in the water, though, right? Gotta be. No newborns for a while, I heard—seven, eight, nine years or something. Anyway, glad she brought you two young men over. Only other person that ever came over here before was little Timony. Sweet girl, kinda wild, though. But Timony’s real young—gotta be eight or nine or something. Born during the fertile period. Always playing that holotable game all the time: People of Power or Power to the People or Pantheon People or, yeah, Pantheon of the Power People, I think it was called—actually, I don’t remember too well. Power. People. Power. Pantheon. Too many P’s. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, right, Timony. The poor thing lives with her mama, and that old girl’s got old problems. All crashed out. Lives a few blocks down. Old, old problems; and I’m not just talking looks or ankles—I’m talking years of snowcrash. You know, snow sickness. I don’t know the technical term for it, something complicated, but she has that glaze to her eyes where there’s like this sick gray mucousy stuff all over, kinda like the ash storms out there always hiding those starships that you only see on the holo news sometimes, you know. Those thick pillowy clouds of gray ash—or red, if it’s real bad. Maybe our eyes are, like, the starships of the soul. Ignore me. Sometimes I say crazy things. I’d love to see one of those things at least once, though—the starships, I mean. You ever see them? Some people say it’s all a hoax. They’ve never been outside; when people can’t see something for themselves, they come up with all sorts of wild stories: the flat Thessaly people, the rat warriors of the Great Latrine, those mutated dogs with the poison fangs—as if there’s any animals—people saying the Pantheon isn’t real, or memory banks putting your memories in the moral agents for who knows what; that last one’s the craziest one out of all of them, I think; like, why would they do that? But you know how they go on and on, especially Lenny. Oh boy, Lenny. Anywho, you boys from Floor 3 too? Elpis and I, we used to live up on Floor 7, had this nice recreational facility for kids. I don’t remember why we moved down here. But I used to take her there when she was real young—the rec, I mean. She’d jump all around the platforms, doing cartwheels and spins off the bars. I would say, ‘My little Elpis, recklessly confident as always!’ and she would grin that big toothy grin of hers and just keep doing the stuff even harder, like she was showing off for a crowd that wasn’t there. But when an actual crowd did show up, she would act so shy, like she couldn’t do the damn things I had just seen her doing. In fact, I got a video of it right here in the drawer, just gotta…”

  Gigi—an elderly woman with hair like white rust pulled into a wiry ponytail and skin like that of an old, cherished blanket with many wrinkles and small eyes like clouded emeralds and those once-freckles long since turned into brown splotches with little micro hairs poking out—trailed off, mumbling between small coughs as she dug through a metal drawer full of thick cards and other knick-knacks.

  Gray was leaning back, arms crossed, against a black metal cold box that nearly touched the low ceiling, which resembled an eldritch maze of dark chrome pipes and tubes and air vents and small inset fans. He wore an expression like that of an atheist being forced to attend a sermon.

  Jules, blonde locks brushed behind one ear, was bent over a glossy countertop that reflected a dim orange glow from a bulb inset into the ceiling itself in what appeared to be a kitchen crammed into the corner of a cramped living area. The room contained a sofa with a small side table nearby and four doors, one for each wall—portcullis, bathroom, Gigi’s room, Ellie’s room—and, of course, not a window in sight. The ambiguous artist was propping their head up on the countertop with their bare right hand while lightly chewing their long index finger. The glove they had been wearing during their earlier encounter with Zale was missing. They watched the wrinkled woman intently, blinking with wonder as a child might while listening to a bedtime story.

  Ellie was nowhere to be found, although her presence was felt, as the cramped room was littered with items that gave the impression they were not Gigi’s: small DIY electronic devices, some wrapped in black electrical tape, and little plastic model robots of all colors and sizes dotted the back of the kitchen counter. Some of the robots were holding small utensils and devices in their little robot hands; mixed in there were little plastic cats, one of which was orange and pudgy, swinging a single paw back and forth as if motorized. Lots of magnets were stuck all over the walls, one of which held a holo-paper calendar turned to the month of Gamelion, displaying a moving image of a big-eyed cartoon woman wearing a floppy hat who struck different poses as she leaned against a massive metal wand topped with a heart-shaped stone while little hearts bubbled up and popped all around her; the words “month of love” faded in and out near the top of the image. The black cold box was adorned with holo pictures of both Ellie and Gigi, one of which showed a very young, bare-bottomed Ellie standing in a sonic shower with her head vis-à-vis the camera as her hair was being blasted all over the place; her expression a mixture of fear and excitement. Dotting the room were potted plants with plastic stems, featuring both synthetic and holographic petals of oranges and blues and greens.

  “Ah, here we go,” Gigi said as she pulled out a dark metal card about the size of her palm. On it was the letter-number combo “E9,” what looked to be a camera lens, and three touch-sensitive glyphs for PLAY and PAUSE and BACK. Before continuing, she glared sharply at Gray, who was still leaning against the cold box; “Didn’t your mama teach you any manners? This isn’t some nightclub. Stop leaning on the box!” Then she slid a slightly trembling finger over PLAY, causing a blue three-dimensional image to flicker out from the small lens. The holo was volumetric, occupying real space above the card, and wobbled wildly three times before the blue light solidified into a full-color image of a small girl with bright orange hair in baggy clothes on what looked to be a gray metal jungle gym. The girl leapt from a ledge, grabbed a metal bar mid-air, spun elegantly, and then twirled down to a pad below, landing entirely upright like some anti-gravity feline. She turned to the camera and smiled wide—single big front tooth noticeably missing—then bolted off toward a ladder to start the whole thing all over again before the hologram flickered out.

  When the image disappeared, Jules’ face was very close to the card as if they had been analyzing every little detail. “She’s wonderful, isn’t she?” they said without thinking, blinking their big alien blues and chewing on their thin index finger.

  “She really is—what’s your name again, young man?” Gigi asked with a warm smile.

  “Jules. And…” They pursed their lips for a moment, as if debating something internally, then just returned the smile. “Thanks for showing me that.”

  Gray lifted his arm up and around in an exaggerated motion then peered down at the black square on his wrist. “It’s been nearly fifteen minutes. I’m going to check on her.”

  “Would you, dear? She’s normally not this quiet when guests are over.” Gigi leaned her body ever so slightly to the right to look beyond Jules’ tall frame, but as she lifted one foot off the ground, she toppled right over, nearly hitting the floor if not for Gray, who—as he was walking past her to the door across the room—caught her in what seemed like a flash, leaving Gigi staring up into his dark eyes. The young man peered down at her with something like a faux coldness that one got the impression was once a conscious affectation but was now involuntary, and this cold glare spooked Gigi, who hadn’t gasped when she first fell but certainly gasped now when she looked deep into those dark orbs. This prompted Gray to set her upright and look away as if he hadn’t just caused some old woman to shudder with dread. Gigi, who was already very pale, turned paler still, and she spoke with a tremble, “T-thank you, young man.”

  Jules felt the vibe and felt it weird, so they leaned in toward Gigi and spoke with a soft slyness that was something close to a whisper, “It’s like, one day, long ago, Gray was staring in a mirror, practicing those cool stoic expressions, and a devious genie came along and granted his wish, permanently altering the landscape of his handsome face into that of Epictetus, for better or worse—wouldn’t you say?” And this returned the color to Gigi’s face; she looked back and forth from Gray to Jules before she said, “And you say his name is Gray?” To which Jules nodded cartoonishly and responded, “It’s almost as if the name chose him!” And this elicited a jubilant laugh from Gigi that must have been contagious because Jules started laughing too and the only one who wasn’t laughing was Gray whose Epictetus was slowly turning Hades in real time so he sharply turned and started toward the door on the other side of the small room, crossing the entrance portcullis, which, as he did so, started going off like a claxon with high-pitched boops. The portcullis was ringing, and this caught Gray’s attention, so he shifted his entire demeanor from stoically casual to stoically alert and—hand in coat pocket—stoically ready to hurt someone if necessary, then turned toward the door, which was when he saw a small monitor about the size of a hand near the portcullis keyhole that displayed a grainy live feed of the area just outside the portal.

  Standing in front of the portal was a young girl holding a thin box, the details of which were hard to make out. The girl herself barely stood eye-to-eye with the camera. Her hair was twisted into dreads that spilled like thick muddy water over an ovoid stone. She was wearing a nervously indignant expression on her face, made complete by a deep pout on her full lips, as if she knew she was not supposed to be doing exactly what she was doing but was clearly doing it anyway; yet, underneath this rebellious demeanor, she looked as any child does: powerless and lost and full of hope.

  “Oh, that must be Timony.” Gigi didn’t need to shout because the room was so small. “Please, let her in.”

  Gray hesitated for a moment before lifting his hand to the keyhole, in which the square plastic key was still inserted; he twisted it, and the heavy portal let out a pneumatic poot as it lifted to slowly reveal the dark-skinned young girl just standing there all surrounded by gunmetal walls lined with cardboard boxes and graffiti and a few lost souls all drooped over. The little girl tilted her chin up to stare at the young man now standing before her; her brown eyes wide and trembly and ever so cloudy. “What do you want?” she said in this sort of forced rude way, and just as the words escaped her lips, she lifted the metal box to her chest and wrapped both arms around it as if protecting the thing or, perhaps, drawing comfort from it. Then, somewhat shyly, she stood tiptoe to get a look over Gray’s shoulder; the sight of Gigi brought an immediate smile to the girl’s pouty face. Gray only managed to get one syllable out before the girl pushed past him. The portal closed behind her. She immediately made her way to the middle of the cramped room and plopped herself down on the chrome-framed sofa, wiggling herself into the dark blue cushions, sinking somewhat into the plush.

  Gray took his hand off the portal key and turned to the metal door that was the entrance to Ellie’s room; as he took the first of the five steps required to get there, he stopped at the sofa and introduced himself to the girl, who was holding what he now recognized to be a HypnoSims V15 HoloTable, which he knew was a very old model indeed. “My name’s Gray, by the way. What’s yours?”

  But Gray’s introduction prompted only a sideways glance from the girl before she lowered her head close to the holotable and pressed a glowing glyph on the device, which elicited a low-pitched jingle before humming with whirr. A circular lens in the middle of the box opened as if it were some sort of reptile’s eye, and from this eye, a blue light burst forth, illuminating both the girl’s creamy face and the maze-like ceiling above her. The blue light weaved and warbled before coalescing into a nondescript man in heavy armor, holding a shield in one hand and a spear in the other, its tip pointed at the chest of a mighty dragon towering above him. The entire hologram played out over the little girl’s lap, which happened to be about the size of it. At first, the image was only blue, but it soon flickered into full color, highlighting the man’s red-and-gold armor and the dragon’s scaly brown-and-green hide. The man and the dragon started trading blows: jab, fire, guard, jab, fire, guard, jab, fire, guard. The girl reared back, a huge grin on her face.

  The holotable started to speak, its voice clear and charged with valor: WELCOME TO THE PANTHEON OF POWER! A logo with very powerful P’s faded in as a shimmering gold treasure box spiraled into view, obstructing both the man and the dragon, who continued to battle in the background. CLAIM YOUR DAILY TREASURE BOX! The girl lifted her thin wrist and tapped the holographic box; the box opened, revealing an artistic animation of a nude man with flowing electrical wires instead of hair soaring through a red ash sky atop a mechanical horse with clockwork wings; the man was holding skyward a thick triangular blade, and the tip of this blade shone bright. BELLEROPHON PEGASUS FORM B! A heavy sigh escaped the girl’s lips, but before she had a chance to dwell, a heart-shaped box with a rose-tipped lever burst into view. FIND TRUE LOVE DURING THIS MONTH OF ROMANCE! The girl tapped the rose-tipped lever, and it cranked with a glittery tune before opening to reveal a gorgeous fair-skinned woman with hair of golden weave wearing a sleeveless robe that alternated epileptic between blue and purple; the woman’s arms were chromatic and iridescent as she softly strummed a lyre, the frame of which resembled animatronic snakes with the heads of men attempting to lick each other’s forked tongues; her music wafted momentary bliss throughout the entire room. HARMONIA LYRIST FORM C! Timony stared into the hologram as if dumfounded for a moment before shaking her head. “C-tier? Really? I can never pull a good healer class Goddess.” She started grumbling to herself as she tapped the image away, which caused a holo starship to zoom into view; it was highly curved and black with golden accents, three burst engines like massive buttocks on the back of it spitting blue and white flame; there were golden particles raining down from the belly of the starship, and these particles shimmered into obscurity as they reached the holotable itself. STARSHIP OLYMPUS RAINS FORTUNE UPON YOU! TAP! TAP! TAP! BONUS PULL! Timony’s eyes lit up—”oh oh oh!”—and she tapped the starship aggressively; each tap increased the particles before the starship abruptly zoomed out of view, leaving only a single glistening chest behind, which opened to the image of a man sitting on a throne, the cushions of which were a dark yellow; there was a spotlight on the man; he was dressed in black slacks and an Old Earth sports jacket over a white dress shirt topped with a dark bowtie; he sat confidently with one hand resting upon his chin, a pensive frown painted across his pale, clean-shaven face, which was framed by a jawline that was sculpture-esque yet just pudgy enough to appear youthful; his parted hair was as dark as the jacket he wore and fell in waves right below his brow, and the loose strands of hair, which would normally fall over his pointed ears, were tucked behind those ears; by all metrics, the man was incredibly handsome as he sat there on his dark throne, puffing pensively on a thin black tube, which lit yellow at the tip with every drag before the man released clouds of smoke from his mouth as a lazy dragon would, and some of these clouds were shaped like lightning bolts and rings and stars; and although the man was wrapped in smoke, his deep blue eyes pierced right through the fog with paralytic gaze. ZEUS PALE KING FORM S. Timony’s eyes went wide, “My first Zeus! And S-tier, too! I can’t believe it! Serge’s going to be so jealous. This is going to be my new party lead, for sure for sure for sure!” She bounced in place on the sofa before tapping Zeus away, which caused yet another holo to abruptly flash into view: a calendar bordered by spiral columns and flowers, all of which looked completely flat when viewed from certain angles. CONSECUTIVE LOGIN ROLL; ONLY 5C TO BOOST YOUR ODDS. Timony tapped 5C, which jingled, and then the calendar spun wildly as it was overtaken by artwork of a feminine figure wearing a full suit of close-fitting purple armor accented with scales and webbing, complete with a long black cape that whipped about behind her; she wore a dark purple helmet shaped in the likeness of a dragon’s head, which covered only the top half of her face, thus revealing her fair skin and full pink lips below the draconic visor which itself was inset with two orbs of white; her hair, which was the color of fresh rust, flowed from the back of the helmet like a river of blood, stopping just short of her curved posterior; her right arm was down by her side, and in her hand, she held the shaft of a massive black lance that extended far behind her; the blade of the lance was no blade at all, but instead, a pyramid of blue light. ATHENA PARTISAN FORM F. Timony’s jaw dropped in horror. “F-tier? That’s what my 5C gets me? F-tier?” she mumbled as she tapped at the dragon dame, which prompted yet another box to appear, followed by yet another heroic proclamation, followed by yet more tapping, followed by more heroic proclamations, and so on and so forth.

  Gray could hear the heroic proclamations booming from behind him as he knocked on the sleek metal of Ellie’s bedroom door. PAN FLUTIST FORM F. There was no answer. Gray knocked again. SACRIFICE OF TROY B. There was still no answer. “Hey, it’s Gray. Just c—” TYCHE BLESSED: ROLL AGAIN! Gray’s ear twitched as Timony blurted out some sort of nonsense word. “I was just checking on you,” Gray repeated, raising his voice as he pushed his face closer to the metal. About thirty seconds passed before he turned his back to the door and saw both Gigi and Jules staring at him, looking concerned in tandem, while Timony was still just tapping away.

  FINAL ROLL. Angels on high. “C’mon.” Shimmering fountains. “C’mon.” A casket creaking. “C’mon, C’mon.” An explosion of glitter. A fanfare. JASON UNDEAD FORM D. Timony fell silent, and then, as if in the blink of an eye, she bounced herself to a standing position atop the sofa, flailing the holotable in her hand, which flickered holograms wildly about the room as if there were a psychedelic light show going on. “GACKING GAME GACKING SUCKS I CAN’T EVEN DRAW A GACKING A-TIER HEALER FOR GACK’S SAKE. ORPHIC GARBAGE.” Then the holotable was flung across the room, narrowly missing Jules’ head, before crashing into a wall with a loud clang, bouncing once on the hard floor, and landing upright, projecting the man and the dragon once more as if nothing at all had happened.

  “Timony! Language! Your mama may let you act like that, but not around here!” Gigi rasped forward with a surprising amount of spunk for someone her age, then snatched the holotable off the floor and placed it back on the sofa next to Timony, who had done just as Gigi said, for she was now sitting as rigid as a plank of synthetic wood.

  “Do you have any idea how much those things cost? No respect for your mama or anything!” Gigi gesticulated between light coughing.

  Timony hung her head low before meekly trying to get a word in. “It’s black vanadiu—”

  “Black vanawhatnow? That’s not the point! The point is personal responsibility. Respect for your stuff and your things and all that. Think about all the hard work your mama put in just to buy you that; you should think of that thing as if it’s your mama; instead of that holotable sitting right there on that sofa right there—it’s your mama. You just threw your mama. The whole idea of your mama: thrown. Right against the wall.” Gigi shook her head. “Not a care in the world.”

  “Mama didn’t buy this for me, she ain’t got any credits. I stol—”

  But Gigi wasn’t listening. “And those crystals cost a small fortune, you know. If you damaged that crystal, oh girl, you know you’d be in a world of hurt trying to get another one. Say bye-bye to your Power People Pantheon or your Pantheon Peoples or your—well, you know what I mean.”

  Gray had forgotten about Ellie, all pent up in her room, silent; he was caught up in Gigi’s lecture, and he found it hard to remain stoic in the face of the whole thing; an odd expression—something like empathy, if raw empathy could be an expression—formed on his face as images of his own mother flashed through his mind; the memories kept pouring in, to the point that it became just too much, and he had to close his eyes as if to tune it out.

  “Alright, alright. I’m done. Here.” Gigi removed a palm-sized bar wrapped in crunchy foil laminate from her pants pocket and held it out to Timony. “Have yourself a biobar. You look famished.”

  Timony lifted her head, a weak smile forming on her lips. “You just having these in your pocket?” She grabbed the bar from Gigi and, as she did so, noticed Gray, just standing there with his eyes closed. “Hey, Messy Head, what’s the sad face?”

  Gray looked to his left and then to his right. “Messy Head?”

  Jules stepped from the kitchen corner, placing a gloveless hand on Gray’s head, ruffling that wild bush of hair. “Gray’s hair, slayer of combs. I quite like it.”

  Gray jerked his head away. “Whatever.” He toughly rubbed his nose. “Just reminded me of someone, is all.”

  Jules nodded but said nothing. Gigi moved to the kitchen, opened and closed the cold box, and then returned with a clear bottle of water, which she placed on the small triangular end table near the sofa. Gray was looking away from the whole scene, hiding what he felt was something like embarrassment all over his face. There was an odd quiet before the sound of Timony gulping water interrupted the silence.

  “Anyway.” Gray cleared his throat.

  Jules stood there all alien in the quiet, twirling strands of blonde hair around their finger before letting them go, watching them twist like brief tornadoes before settling into slightly wavier strands.

  “Yeah, anyway.” Timony shot a glance at Jules. “Who’s the pretty girl?”

  “My name is Jules.” They blinked. “Do you like music, Timo—”

  “Girl? You’re a woman?” Gigi’s shock overtook her manners.

  Gray’s mental embarrassment evaporated as he cast a dubious look at everyone around the room.

  Jules thought about Gigi’s question for a moment, then responded in a tone bordering on melody. “All things are interdependent—you and I and everything,” their last syllable trailing off like the final note of a song.

  There was a another brief silence.

  “What the gack does that mean?!” Timony blurted before being slapped on the back of the head by Gigi as she was returning to the kitchen. The young girl grumbled as she rubbed the back of her head before grabbing the holotable and burying her face deep in the glow of the holo menu.

  Jules stood there with an ambiguous wave on their lips before running a hand through their blonde hair, which fell very messy down the middle. Then they turned to Gray, who was digging one hand through a coat pocket in an unassuming manner. Jules looked back at Ellie’s bedroom door before turning back to Gray. “Let me try,” they said as they turned to approach the door.

  Gray took two steps toward the sofa, hovering over Timony like a storm cloud. “Hey—mind if I borrow your holotable?” He said as faint knocking could be heard behind the digital horns and strings and clashing steel and explosions all booming from the holotable speakers.

  “Hades no,” Timony said without looking up. “I’m in the middle of a Tier 8 raid. I can’t just quit.” She lurched forward, her young face glowing as she peered into a war-torn woodland with flaming trees and craters and a lake with some sort of tentacle monster coming out of it and all the rest, all isometric on a grid. Four units outlined in blue sat on the right side of the map, six in red on the left, all idling in different cool poses. “And I’m outnumbered. So no. Go away, Messy Head.”

  Gray remained unassuming and poised all cool. “Well, what if—” he trailed off as he saw Gigi—who was just fidgeting with a synthetic flower pot dangling from a pipe on the kitchen ceiling—turn toward them in an annoyed motherly kind of way, as if she was about to go off on Timony once more, but Gray subtly gestured to her with two fingers, causing Gigi to nod and turn her attention back to her flower pot.

  Gray continued. “What if I could get you a free pull?”

  Timony was quiet for a moment, then twirled her wrist above the holotable, which stopped all animation and caused a bright white “PAUSE” with a powerful P to appear over her lap. She then looked up at the one she called Messy Head, a single thick eyebrow raised. “How?”

  Gray stretched a single hand up to Timony’s right ear, and she responded by incredulously pulling her head back into the sofa cushion, which momentarily caused her chin to blob into her neck. “Hey, man! What you doing? Back o—”

  Gray flashed his wrist back from behind Timony’s ear, and wedged there between his index and middle was a thin plastic card. He then twisted his wrist to reveal the image on the front of the card; a young woman surrounded by treasure caskets of various colors, a ring of gold framed the woman’s head, and she held a sceptre which was flowing with rainbow electricity and adorned at the head with a massive letter C. The words Pantheon of Power were above the woman while little flashing C’s danced all around her.

  “Oh oh oh!” Timony might as well have been drooling.

  “It’s yours—just let me borrow your table for about ten minutes.” Gray’s stoicism was replaced by a childlike grin as he deftly moved his arm around, dodging Timony’s clumsy attempts at snatching the card out of his hand. “You’re not going to get it any other wa—”

  Timony suddenly launched off the sofa at Gray, who smoothly stepped to the side, causing Timony to land face down into the gunmetal floor. The clank of her hard skull banging the metal rang for a moment before being drown out by soft groans.

  Gray’s grin was now a rare smile. “I told you, you’re not going to get it any oth—”

  Gigi burst onto the scene. “Timony! Just what do you think you’re doing acting like that? Wild child! Now, if your mama would ever let me talk to her—or see her, for that matter—I would make sure to tell her to give you a proper—”

  Gray laughed true for the first time in a long time, three deep ha’s. “Gigi, it’s fine. Let her be.” The old woman gave Gray the side eye then coughed then waddled off to the kitchen, mumbling something.

  Meanwhile, Timony had managed to lift herself to her knees, picking up the holotable that had fallen during her desperate lunge. She was growling softly, which was like a low rumble in the room’s ambiance, as if an aggravated Old Earth cat had somehow gotten loose. Then, she plopped herself down on the sofa. The growl turned into a sigh of defeat.

  “Well?” Gray said, now tauntingly waving the card back and forth.

  Timony snapped back. “Fine, but only for ten minutes, and only after I finish my match.” She paused, looked down at the paused holotable, then back up. “Messy Head.”

  Gray said nothing as he looked at the girl, who looked back with those big dark eyes that were ever so cloudy and very slanted, the bitterness of defeat still lingering. But when Gray’s expression softened into something like a brotherly gaze, Timony’s expression softened in kind. Gray then took one step, placed the card face down on the end table, and then took two steps back to the kitchen. Timony, meanwhile, unpaused her game, which started with the horns and strings and clashing of metal and explosions once more.

  Gigi turned to the young man. “That was well played. Surprised me. Thought for a second you were some kinda devil or something. But somehow I knew Ellie wouldn’t bring any devils home. That look in your eye when you caught me earlier, you know. Real strange. I don’t know what it was. But no devil could pull that off with little Timony. Never seen her looking like that or acting like that with someone before. You got kids or something? You look too young. But you seem to have the knack.”

  Gray blinked. He then gestured at the cold box, which Gigi gestured back to, so he opened it and removed a plastic bottle of water and a biobar. “Don’t be so sure about devils,” he paused to twist the cap off the water and take a sip, “they come in all shapes and sizes, you know.” He shifted his dark eyes at Gigi with an exaggerated slant, as if trying to scare her in some cartoonish way, but this only prompted a laugh from the old woman.

  “I know you now. You’re no devil,” Gigi said, serious like cardiac arrest. This seriousness caught Gray off-guard, and in an attempt to seem unaffected, he leaned back against the counter and focused on the back of Timony’s head, which was shifting back and forth as she tapped and waved at the holotable while sounds were going off.

  There was a quiet between them for a moment before Gray spoke. “My mom was like that.”

  Gigi was the one blinking now, clearly confused.

  “I could see it, in Timony’s eyes.”

  Gigi tilted her head slightly.

  “My mom. Crashed. Hard.”

  “But your eyes are as clear as mud, not a cloud in sight.”

  “She started using just after I was born.”

  Gigi watched the dark youth intently.

  “How you talked to Timony, she would talk to me like that too,” Gray said, “on her good days.”

  The messy-haired young man fiddled with the crinkly wrapper of the biobar, then, after much crunching, managed to pull it halfway down to reveal the gray block of bio-matter underneath. He took a small bite, winced, swallowed, then took a big gulp of water to wash it down. “Always hated the taste of these things. Especially these blank label ones. What flavor is this supposed to be anyway?”

  Gigi—taken aback by the non sequitur—did a double-take between Gray and the biobar and back again. “Oh, the bar?”

  Gray took another bite, didn’t even chew this time, just swallowed it whole. “Yeah.”

  “I don’t know. I think the flavorless ones. But even flavorless has a flavor, I suppose. It’s all we can afford with the hecatinium mining job I got, borrow Ellie’s headset to control the below-ground bots. Ellie does it part-time, too, you know. Between school. Mostly do maintenance on the machinery down there, sometimes help with the water pumps too. Doesn’t pay too well. Anyway. They say those biobars have all the nutrients we need to survive, but you always still feel kinda empty after eating them, don’t you? Lenny one time joked that they were made of these things called cockroaches, or something, but actually, I don’t think he was joking. Always sounds like he’s joking, though. He says they’re Old Earth bugs that can survive anything, which makes no sense, no bugs on Thessaly, makes you wonder why they’re even taught in elementary. What’s the point of learning about some old dead planet? Anyway, Lenny keeps going on and on and on with the conspiracies, says people have seen bugs outside the complex, even in the bubble, but that’s just crazy talk. Hades, I don’t know anyone who’s been outside of the bubble, much less outside of the complex, but Lenny, you know Lenny, he’s always going on—”

  “Stop,” Gray said abruptly, glaring. “And no, I don’t know Lenny. Why would I kno—”

  Timony suddenly WOO HOO’D, which was followed by a fanfare of horns and sparkle sound effects from the holotable, flashing a rainbow of colors across the pipes on the ceiling above her. “This Zeus is way overpowered,” the young girl blurted out to no one in particular.

  Gray and Gigi turned vis-à-vis wearing an identical smile.

  They laughed.


  Ellie sat there upon the lip of a verdant coastal shelf, surrounded by a rainbow of flowers, her arms wrapped around her knees, her head slightly down in the gap between. An occasional breeze tossed her rusty hair to and fro as she gazed out at an endless blue, watching white V’s circle above crystal-clear waves cresting into the foggy distance. A solitary seagull perched merely a few feet away from her, both of them right there on the edge of the fall.

  “I just don’t know why he did it.”

  An ambiguous voice drifted in upon the wind: “I’m having trouble manifesting.”

  “I can take care of myself, you know…” Ellie’s last word trailed off as she shifted her gaze to a honeysuckle blooming in real time by her feet.

  “I know you can.” The voice seemed to be coming from nowhere in particular; it was just floating there, part of the ambiance. “I still can’t manifest.”

  “It’s a single-user instance,” Ellie said with detached matter-of-factness.

  “There’s this Old Earth nursery rhyme—seems appropriate—goes something like,” the voice spoke in tune, “yipee, you can’t see me, b—”

  “—ut I can you.” Ellie mumbled the end of the lyric.

  “Did you program this place?” The voice seemed to come from every direction.

  Ellie idly tapped her bare feet together. “Yeah. I come here sometimes.”

  “It’s beautiful.”

  “It’s whatever.”

  “What isn’t whatever?”

  “The man.”

  “Gray?”

  “No.”

  “Who, then?”

  “The mouse.”

  Silence.

  “I killed him.”

  Silence.

  “He’s dead.”

  Silence.

  “And I just left his body there.”

  “He was…”

  “He was a person.”

  “Of course, but…”

  “And he had a mom and a dad and maybe even kids.”

  Silence.

  “Don’t you feel anything?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you seem so fine with everything? So playfully oblivious.”

  “I have to be.”

  “You have to?”

  “I thought it was love, but it’s far beyond that.”

  Silence.

  “I’ve known him for as long as I can remember.”

  “How long is that?”

  “Maybe thirteen years or so.”

  “You’ve known him that long?”

  “He… he saved me.”

  “From the Consortium?”

  “From everything.”

  “Everything?”

  “From myself.”

  Silence.

  “A few minutes before you and I met… he saved me then, too.”

  “Seems like he saves anyone prettier than himself.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  Silence.

  “It was his idea… he couldn’t let you go alone.”

  “Why?”

  “He didn’t say it, but I could tell he felt responsible.”

  There was a long silence before Ellie responded: “And now I feel responsible—can’t you see that?”

  “Yipee, you can’t see me…”

  “And now I’m in his debt.”

  “No, he doesn’t see it that way—you’re free.”

  “And what about you?”

  “I, Julian?”

  “Is there anyone else?”

  “That’s a good question.”

  “Stop it.”

  Silence.

  “What I meant was—are you free?”

  “I don’t…”

  “Free from him, I mean.”

  There was a long pause before the voice continued. “I…”

  “You…?”

  “This dictionary never has a word for the way I’m feeling.”

  “But there’s no dictionary coded into this simulation.”

  The disembodied voice responded with a whistle that wisped into a soft hum, followed by the gentle plucking of guitar strings—three or four notes alternated somewhere between melancholic and euphoric; and, in short time, the low hum harmonized with the guitar melody. The ringing of each note reminded Ellie of what the muted booms of stars going nova in galaxies far far away might sound like, each star leaving behind a black hole, sucking in all the nearby planets. But then, the chorus of the song sped up, as if in fast rewind, like each of those dead stars were reverting back into protostars, only to nova once more in the verse. And all these mental images brought Ellie’s emerald eyes to a close. The language of her mind became lost, a gravitational whirlpool of emotion that could no longer be translated into words, and these feelings swirled like those same planets swirling into black holes for several minutes before the melody drifted off on the synthetic wind.

  “That was beautiful,” Ellie mumbled before opening her eyes to the sight of a dozen seagulls all perched at the fall. “What’s it called?”

  The voice returned. “I don’t know—the title has been lost to time, but I call it ‘Something Lost, Something Returned.’”

  “Well, then, it’s not lost—is it?”

  There was brief silence before the voice returned. “Thank you for fixing my Tone Gauntlet.”

  “Of course—that’s why you’re both here, isn’t it?”

  “You offered.”

  Ellie’s lips curled into a weak smile, but she remained silent.

  “What will you do now?”

  Silence.

  “Whatever you do, I’m glad that I got to meet you, Ellie.”

  Ellie was quiet a moment before shifting her gaze to the electric blue. “I’m glad…” but before she could finish her sentence, she felt a small pit in her stomach, like the absence of something; somehow she knew the voice was gone. And she was left sitting there, alone, staring out into the endless blue. The seagulls that once perched there along the fall had all taken flight, become little V’s out there in the foggy distance.

  Ellie took a moment to soak it all in, releasing her knees as she rested her palms on the damp grass behind her. She repeated the words the voice had spoken to her: “What will you do now?” and then took a deep breath before exhaling that same breath, and then, like a whim on the wind, hopped to her feet and took off in a sprint toward the ledge. As she approached the fall, she closed her eyes and leapt with all her might. She felt the air against her face, her hair dancing wildly upon the wind before it was pushed upward by the fall. The primal part of her brain kicked in, flooding her body with adrenaline as her heart rate sped up and her breathing quickened, but as the logical part of her brain took over, she soon relaxed and splayed her limbs out like a starfish, twirling herself slowly like a dying leaf falling from an Old Earth oak. When she finally opened her eyes, she realized she was much closer to the water than she had expected, which spurred some light panic before she crossed her left hand over to her right, tapped her palm in a rhythmic pattern, and mumbled something inaudible against the wind. With the final tap, glowing rings of yellow materialized, forming a pipe around her, and then the rings collapsed in on themselves, and, just like that, Ellie was gone.

  The seagulls and the waves were gone too.

  When Ellie opened her eyes, she was standing inside The Polytechnic of Chrysame, in the back of a lecture hall; the spiraled white columns and open-air clerestories letting in pillars of light and students donned in white-and-gold robes were a dead giveaway. The students were motionless as she lightly stepped down tiers of steps toward the main lecture stage, where a professor—a middle-aged woman in black robes with dark hair accented with wisps of gray—stood frozen, pointing up at a massive board displaying an image of space dotted with little stars. There was one massive white star in the middle, which Ellie figured to be a white dwarf star, but, despite her assurance, she looked puzzled. “Is this the wrong recording?” Then she looked far above the board at a frozen marquee—LATTICE 6–BLOCK 11—and sighed. “Maybe a bug in the telepipe protocol,” she muttered as she reached for her palm. But before tapping her palm, she paused, looked up at the white dwarf star again, and then lowered her hand; curiosity had gotten the better of her.

  “Play.”

  The professor lowered her arm, then addressed the class, looking right past Ellie, who was standing right there, staring up at the white star on the board. “Consider the black hole, spacetime’s most powerful celestial object—not even an object, really, more a rip in the fabric of the known universe, perhaps even beyond the known universe, into places completely unknown to mortals, places that maybe could not even be called places at all; places only true gods know, if any such beings exist. The black hole, something that, even now, we are still unable to fully explain without branching off into multiple theories of physics and metaphysics and sometimes—like in the case of the Scions of Singularity—even religious cults, just to explain these anomalous holes in space. This is what makes the fact that we have created one—a black hole—so strange. As you all know from our course last semester on the early scientific experiments conducted by The Great Witch Queen, Maeve Hecate—may she bless us all—even a black hole the size of a grain of sand can destroy an entire continent. And we also know that each of Hecate’s—may she bless us all—attempts to contain even the smallest of black holes were met with failure; even hecatinium, the most powerful of the known elements, could not contain a black hole, as every hecatinium barrier erected around a black hole was itself drawn into the hole, thus making the black hole stronger, and every barrier around those barriers was sucked in as well, and every barrier around even those barriers was sucked in also, and so on and so forth. Thus, the very act of trying to contain a black hole only makes it stronger. And, as you all know—because, if you didn’t, you would have failed last semester’s final exam and thus would not be here to hear this lecture—the only way that The Great Witch Queen, may she bless us all, was able to stop the black hole she had created was by creating another black hole of equal magnitude, thus each black hole canceling the other out; they effectively sucked each other into oblivion.” (Laughter erupted from the class at this last statement.) “The point I am trying to get across is that these black holes are more powerful than anything we currently utilize today on Thessaly; and the point of that point is to illustrate the sheer destructive force of these magnificent spacetime anomalies. And, as a follow-up, I want you all to consider for a moment: what if a black hole could be reversed? What would that look like?”

  There was a break in the lecture as the professor flicked her wrist at the board behind her. The white dwarf star started to warble and flicker, then it solidified, and, as if in the blink of an eye, the entire board flashed white and stayed that way for some time before, slowly, the whiteness started to fade into blackness. Little specks of color—stars—started to dot the inky void. Ellie, standing there transfixed by the whole thing, slowly realized that she was watching the creation of an entire cosmos on fast-forward. The video zoomed through various planets and moons before magnifying in on a lush blue-green planet. But before the animation could finish, the professor flicked her wrist, and the video paused.

  The professor turned back to the class. “Who can tell me what that was?”

  Students started raising their hands, spotlights shining down as the professor pointed at them, one by one.

  “Looked like a star going nova.”

  “The theorized Hecatinium Wave?”

  “May I be excused? I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Old cosmology, looked like the Big Bang, I think?”

  “Definitely a singularity event of some kind.”

  “I really need to go to the bathroom.”

  “A black hole in reverse, like you said?”

  The professor nodded at that last one. “Yes, yes, but what’s the name for it? Anyone know?”

  A small boy with shaggy silver hair that framed his pudgy, rosy face raised his hand; his head barely poked up above his arm desk. The boy—whom Ellie had never seen before—looked far too young to be enrolled at The Polytechnic of Chrysame. The professor pointed at the boy without even a subtle change in expression. The spotlight reflected off the boy’s odd gray eyes as he spoke, “That was a visualization of a white hole—highly theoretical, of course.”

  The professor nodded. “That’s corr–”

  “Really more of a legend or a myth than a scientific theory, however, as a white hole has neither been observed nor mathematically computed. Even Maeve Hecate—” The boy was interrupted by the professor, who muttered, “May she bless us all,” before pausing to allow the boy to continue, which he did with nasally, mid-pitched clarity: “As I was saying, she was unable to produce even a single white hole, even with gravity engines powered by high concentrations of hecatinium. The idea, however, is that a white hole acts in the opposite manner of a black hole; to put it in layman’s terms—which this class desperately needs—a black hole consumes, whereas a white hole creates. It’s theorized that the existence of black holes necessitates the existence of white holes, for where else would all the black-hole-consumed matter go? But, alas, not a single white hole has been observed, so—again—this is all more of a legend or a myth, really, a fantasy, and I don’t know why we’re even learn—”

  “Very good, Ptolemy,” the professor said abruptly, cutting the boy off. She then turned to the board, waving her wrist, which caused all the events played out earlier to rewind at high speed back into the white mass that earlier Ellie had mistakenly believed to be a white dwarf star. “The video is meant to illustrate not only the obvious—that being, the white hole ejecting energy and matter into the cosmos—but also that, when played in reverse, the white hole effectively becomes a black hole, sucking everything back into itself; the flow of time altering its very nature; and, in this way, one could think of a white hole as a black hole backwards. One can then extrapolate that a white hole is something like a seed, or a womb, or, figuratively, like an idea waiting to be acted upon. But perhaps the best analogy would be that a white hole is like an egg, like a cosmic eg—”

01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01000101 01000111 01000111 00100000 01010111 01000001 01001001 01010100 01010011 00100000 00110010 00110001 11000010 10110000 00110010 00110100 11100010 10000000 10110010 00110000 11100010 10000000 10110011 01001110 00100000 00111000 00111001 11000010 10110000 00110011 00110001 11100010 10000000 10110010 00110000 11100010 10000000 10110011 01010111

  The environment around Ellie started to rip and tear; the color of the surrounding walls melted like paint into a black void beneath her, and the space around her danced with purple ones and zeroes that didn’t feel random at all. Then a harsh noise rang out, causing Ellie to cover her ears, but somehow this only made the noise worse. Before she could react further, the space around her flickered and shifted into another lecture hall, where Socrates stood frozen before a massive whiteboard.

  Ellie lowered her hands, her face a picture of perplexity as she scanned the new room. A shiver ran down her spine when she saw herself sitting among the rows of seats in the middle of the lecture hall, a bird perched on the back of her seat. She saw Arc, too, looking as full of scorn as ever, his eyes trained on her own simulacrum. She had never quite gotten used to seeing herself in the third person.

  “Play.”

  Socrates animated; the old man flicked his wrist, and the board was suddenly consumed by black lettering outlining a lengthy assignment. “This week, I would like you to complete two essays: the first on which utilitarian system of ethics you think leads to the most positive outcomes, and the second on a time in your life when you had to use that same utilitarian system, outlining the reason and outcome. If you can't think of a time, consider an event in the past when you could have used your chosen utilitarian system, and then extrapolate on that.”

  When the old professor finished outlining the assignment, Arc noticed Ellie’s avatar had lost its features and was now just a blue-light outline. He blurted out, “Ellie’s glitching out again,” accentuated afterward with a single mocking “ha!” before continuing, “Complexer HyperNet, poor girl.” Arc’s toxic tone was met with silence from his peers, so he again started with the forced laughs as he nervously looked to the students around him, who, out of loyalty (or fear), started laughing along with him. Ellie—the real Ellie—never noticed all of Arc’s subtle pleas for attention until just now from the outside looking in.

  “Idiot,” Ellie mumbled, then tapped her palm six times in an odd rhythmic pattern, which caused the scene to slowly start fading.

  As the scene faded, the students’ forced laughter continued. “Quiet!” Socrates shouted before aggressively flicking the contents of the board away, leaving nothing but a massive blankness floating behind him. Then, taking a deep breath, he addressed the class once more, his volume fading in time with the image: “The recording is available for any student who attended the class, as always.” And, with the scene nearly black, the old professor looked up from his desk, realizing that the students were still sitting there, awkwardly staring at him. “Right, right—you’re all dismissed.”

You can now safely eject.


  Gray sat upon the sofa with the holotable in his lap just as Jules—looking more ambiguous than ever—closed the thick metal door behind them, their right hand now fitted with a thick fingerless glove, the palm of which pulsed with a faint blue ring of light. Gray looked up from the holotable, which was not projecting anything at this moment. “Well, what did she say?”

  Gigi turned to look at Jules from her spot in the kitchen. “Is she OK?”

  “She’s OK, she’s just—”

  Just then, a loud whirring like a sonic flush could be heard throughout the small room, and, as the noise trailed off, Timony burst through a metal door in the corner and blurted out, “You done yet?!” as she pranced up behind the sofa, leaning her head over the back of it, real close to Gray’s, and stared down at the holotable.

  “Patience,” Gray muttered as he placed his hand into his coat and pulled out a small rectangular stick enclosed in a dark blue casing with a single connector poking out from the bottom. He felt around the side of the holotable, feeling for a port, and, when he found one, slotted the stick into it, which was followed by a soft chime.

  “Patience? I’ve been in the sonic for, like, five minutes! What have you been doing out here? C’mon, Messy Head!” She reared her head back as if she were pulling away but then suddenly launched over the back of the couch in a desperate attempt to grab the holotable; but Gray bounced to his feet just as suddenly, his long coat swirling as if Gray himself were the eye of a typhoon, causing Timony to fall flat on her face yet again. And when Timony looked up, Gray was holding the holotable under one arm while tauntingly holding the thin plastic card from before with his free hand.

  “Hey! You gave that to me!” Timony shouted.

  “Should have used it while you had the chance.” Gray spun the card in his finger, slid it into the depths of his coat.

  “Not fair!”

  “What the Gods giveth, they also taketh away.”

  Timony rolled over on the hard metal floor then let out an exaggerated sigh.

  Gray gave one of his dark smiles then spoke, “You can have it when I’m done.”

  Jules watched the scene with a soft smile, as they had not seen Gray this playful in a long time.

  Gray took one wide step right over Timony to the sofa and sat down, placing the holotable back on his lap before waving his hand over it. A three-dimensional woman with bobbed blonde hair wearing a suit and tie flickered into view right above Gray’s lap; to her left was a waterfall of green text, and to her right was a zoomed-out image of a sandy landscape scarred by a large smoldering crater that was emitting thick plumes of smoke. The woman lifted her arm to point at the image of the crater, which was like a window into another world right by her head. And then she spoke in a tone that was intonated and calm:

And in latest news from the surface, complexes across the entire northern hemisphere are experiencing outages due to a meteorite impact that occurred at approximately 8:30 PM TST. The meteorite’s impact zone was calculated as being located between Spire64 and a derelict AA Facility just outside Complex 42’s bubble, which has since been reported from sources inside the complex as being, quote-unquote, barely holding. The Star Touched Sentinels’ sources aboard the scientific research vessel, Starship Scylla, have reported that the meteorite is emitting abnormally high levels of H-radiation despite its small size and is of special interest to the Thessalonian Triumvirate, who have ordered its immediate retrieval, citing matters of planetary security. And, according to our sources, within the coming hours, a small force—overseen by the Mistress of War, Athena—will be dispatched to the surface to retrieve the meteorite. When asked why a military force is needed, the Thessalonian Council refused to give specifics but did state that dispatches to the surface are typically handled by the military branch, insisting that this was routine procedure. In the meantime, Aides autonomous droids have been mobilized to repair the damage to Spire64, and the surface outages are expected to end at approximately 12:30 AM TST. And in other news, the Pale King himself will be making a visit to the garden district of the Starship Athens to deliver—

  “Boring!”

  Timony leapt at Gray, who was forced to perform a complicated backward flip over the back of the sofa just to avoid her, sending Timony face-first into the sofa with a mouthful of cushion. The holotable fell to the floor, and Timony hurriedly picked it up and plopped herself down on the sofa; she then placed her hand on the side table to grab the card, only to be reminded that Gray had taken it moments earlier.

  Jules, who had been in the perfect position to prevent all this, chose to do nothing except cover their mouth in a poor attempt to hide silent laughter.

  Gray rose from behind the sofa with a cross look on his face. He patted his coat before looking down at Timony. “Why did you think that was a good idea?”

  “Who cares about some stupid meteor? I’ve got daily missions to complete,” Timony snapped back. She had already booted up Pantheon of Power and was tapping her way through the menus. There was a brief pause before she turned her upper half to look at Gray. “Can I have the card now?”

  Gray just stood there. “That meteorite could buy you a place on a starship, young lady.” He then flicked the card back between his fingers. “Why shouldn’t I just destroy it?” He flicked again, and the card was gone.

  “If you do that, I’m telling Ellie that you were mean to me, and she’ll never ever let you come over again,” the young girl said with an exaggerated pout on her face.

  “We can’t have that, I guess,” Gray responded as he flicked his wrist, seemingly materializing the card once more.

  Timony stared in wonder, “How do you keep doing that?”

  Gigi, coughing as she walked slowly to the door of her room, looked back at Gray and shook her head. “After how she’s been acting, you better not give her that card!”

  Timony bounced in place on the sofa, nearly shouting. “C’mon! He knows I’m just playing!”

  Jules stepped over to Gigi—who was doing these wobbly coughs—and placed a hand on her shoulder, offering help without saying a word.

  “I just need to lie down for a moment, in my room,” Gigi said quite frailly. “It was lovely meeting you both. I’m so glad that”—she coughed—“Ellie has some friends now.” A smile shone between wheezes. “Look out for her, Jules.” She started inching closer to her bedroom door, Jules helping her along. “That Messy Head,” Gigi said, laughing and coughing at the same time, “make sure”—another cough—“he doesn’t get her into any trouble.” She placed a hand on Jules’ hand and looked straight up at them. “He’s got that look in his eyes, you know.”

  Jules looked back at Gray—who was now playfully holding the card out to Timony only to pull it away when she reached for it—then back at Gigi. “I know.”

  Then Gigi opened her bedroom door and passed into the darkness of her room, leaving the door slightly cracked, only to poke her head out a moment later. “And Timony”—she coughed—“you stay here tonight! I don’t want you wandering around out there during an outage!”

  And just as Gigi’s door closed, Gray swiped the card away from Timony’s leaping grasp, landing the young girl flat on her face, a third time. “You’re going to need to do better than that if you want the card,” he grinned.

  “Not fair! You said I could have it!” Timony said as she crawled back onto the sofa.

  “That was before you attacked me.”

  “I was just playing,” she said meekly as she pulled the holotable back onto her lap.

  “Look, tell you what,” Gray dangled the card close to Timony’s face, “Jules and I have to get going,” he twirled the card, “but if you stay here and promise to keep an eye out on Gigi and Ellie for me,” he flicked the card into the air above him; it spun, “I’ll let you have the card.” Seconds later, the card fell perfectly between his fingers, then he twirled it once more. “Sound good?”

  Timony fiercely nodded. “Yes yes yes yes, I promise.”

  Gray nodded, then extended his hand to the young girl, who snatched the card and pulled it close to her chest. Gray blinked for a moment, and when his eyes opened, Timony was slicing the plastic card through the mouth of a dragon whose volumetric head was melon-sized in the young girl’s lap.

  The sound of angels on high.

  Gray started toward the portal; Jules took a few steps to catch up with him.

  Shimmering fountains.

  Gray turned to Jules. “What did she say?”

  A casket creaking.

  Jules: “She said you seem to have this habit of saving people prettier than you.”

  A glittery explosion.

  Gray smiled wryly. “She’s not wrong.”

  Timony’s raised voice could be heard behind a static crackle: “Thing’s glitching out!”

  Gray, turning the portal key, glanced over at Jules. “If we can get our hands on that fallen star, kiss goodbye to that blood debt and literally everything else. This is our chance.”

  Jules heard Gigi’s voice in their mind as they recognized that look in Gray’s dark eyes. “Our chance...” they repeated before following Gray out of the raised portal and into the Terminal-B hallway.

  Perhaps it was for the best that Ellie wasn’t coming along with them, Jules thought.

  A fanfare went off—ATHENA PARTISAN FORM S—followed by a loud “WOO HOO!” Timony flailed her arms while bouncing up and down on the sofa, holographic artwork of Athena bobbing up and down along with her. She let out something that sounded like a SQUEE before spinning around on the sofa.

  “Hey, Messy Head! Guess what—”

  But Messy Head was gone.


Chapter 5 (Coming soon)

Artwork by ComicFarm.


#TheEgg #Fiction

 
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from DigiVoyager

Blade

I will preface this article by saying that Blade is not the sort of game you should play if you loathe jank and that specific brand of friction found in many PS1 games that weren't always fair, Now if you are in search of that techno/drum'n'bass/jungle in a club feeling that seems to be synonymous with many of the titles found on the original PlayStation while you hunt vampires, this is the game for you. It is its own vibe, and that is one of the best compliments I can pay. This is coming from the sort of person who always contextualizes a title in the period it was made, and always gives them the benefit of the doubt. Did I enjoy playing this on my laptop (which must surely be a vampire laptop at this point, having refused to buckle to time) at midnight, whiling away the night shift? Yes. Would I recommend anyone else to play it? Maybe if you don't mind sloppily made PS1 games, and seek the aforementioned mood, play it at midnight, it's got a very different vibe. Rain helps, too.

There are some videos on YouTube about how it is an underrated game with some interesting mechanics at play, and was approached wrongly by reviewers. Personally, I feel its reception is appropriate, it is the very essence of a flawed game (it also runs quite terribly, play it in an emulator with the CPU% set higher for your own sake) – but it must be remembered flawed doesn't imply it's terrible, or worthless, merely that it has a few issues. Indeed, Blade is one of those games where if you just run around, particularly in the first two levels, you will probably get to the Game Over screen faster than the lizard oil dealers near our government hospitals dive into some unknown alley when they see the police. They are, of course, surprised to see that some policeman as a customer, merely a day later but in plainclothes.

Lizards Yes, this is a thing, Cannabis addicts found aplenty in our government hospitals and rehabilitation centers, have started to prefer these. The poor fellows having only just left Cannabis, get hooked on these instead. The economics of this business are quite sound, Lizards being easy and free to source in numerous quantities, but I digress.

The issue with Blade is a simple one, it is of balance. Some of the enemies you come across, like the Zombies, are tuned such that they do next to no damage. Others (ones armed with Machine Pistols, particularly) tend to melt through your health bar. And often, it's at just the right distance that they're out of camera. As such, the designers have applied duct tape to the cracks in the game, much like the Pakistani government has duct taped our economy by killing all imports, and causing massive inflation. Inflation in Blade's case would be the excessive amounts of health boosters and first aid kits found throughout the game. An easy solution to this issue, I suppose. And while normally, such a game would ramp up the combat intensity, that doesn't happen except for two levels, which, roughness aside do remain my favorite levels.

Blade, you see, must be played with a very “I am now travelling the streets that phone grabbing gangs also love to patrol, and they are not shy about firing the gun” attitude. Indeed, it is a vibe that can only be likened to having low HP as you traverse the dungeon, hoping the game doesn't throw a random encounter your way. And the ensuing depression that comes with a party wipe, and having a save game only at the very start.

In essence, one must move slowly, become the R1 (control type B – lock on) button's best friend, so that you're alert to any enemies hidden in the distance. One must also love the strafe button, and be ready to just peek out of a corner in this particularly unwieldy manner so as to get the drop on enemies. Move slowly, and survey repeatedly, and the game is more manageable; besides the occasional ambush that costs you 30 minutes of hard earned progress. At its core, it is an endurance game, as getting from one save point to another will require you to learn well the enemy placements, and plan accordingly. There is one issue however, the stamina meter. Blade is very slow to strafe, and back up, especially when the stamina bar (vertical bar on left) is yellow. That is why you pop Serums, to make Blade strafe and back up faster, my advice is to use them liberally as there are plenty of them throughout the game, any time it feels like a crowded fight or you need that edge, pop a Serum.

Chinatown Chinatown2 Chinatown. One of the more eye-pleasing locations in the game, there is a decent number. There are also some fun drum'n'bass, techno and such tracks in the game, but also some very odd choices.

See that gauge in the top corner? It fills when you hold the lock-on/target button, and when it reaches full capacity, it flashes for a very brief interval. Shooting as it flashes will get you a headshot, this is pretty much the key (and only) mechanic of the game. Land headshots, and you will save ammo and be rid of enemies far quicker than otherwise, making the game far harder. This mechanic doesn't matter as much for when you need to empty a clip or two of the Machine Pistol into the enemy, but it is still critical in the long run. It is a consistent mechanic in that once you have a feel for the timing, you won't mess up. The Shotgun fills the fastest, the Machine Pistol the slowest, the Handgun being somewhere in the middle. As for the money, you get it by killing enemies, and throughout the game you will find Resupply points (rarer than save points) that let you spend around $200-250 to get an assortment of random ammo and items.

View View2 Not bad visuals for a PS1 game, Blade has some nice looking environments, sadly the models are not as flattering.

Now, the strategic part of the game besides moving slowly and carefully and being ready to rain a Machine Pistol clip full of death on any enemies just in case, comes from the resource management.

You have a Katana, a Handgun (weapon of choice of our local phone bandits), a Machine Pistol, a Shotgun, and a Multi-launcher that fires Blades (think throwing stars, not the character), Bolts as well as Grenades.

The resource management comes in like so:

Handgun: Standard and Carbon bullets Machine Pistol, Standard, Carbon and Silver Shotgun: Standard, Silver + Explosive Shells Multi-launcher: Standard and Silver blades, Standard and Explosive bolts.

Now, the strategy comes from the fact that the enemies in this game are basically divided into 4 types:

Humans: Weak to Standard Monsters: Weak to Carbon Vampires: Weak to Silver Nitrate All: Weak to Explosive

So you will have to ration your ammo properly, as they are all separate pickups. Or just get a ton of headshots. That is a general rule of sorts. You will also run into enemies wearing bullet proof armor and carrying shotguns, they're best dealt with using shotguns. Similarly, there are ninja vampires who will deflect your bullets by spinning their swords, making them invulnerable. Zombies are big on the ammo drain, but instantly taken care of with a headshot. Overall, the enemy designs in this game have a few cool ideas, despite how messy the title is. Explosive shells are a boon but they damage you too, so only use them at a good distance. The Katana is a great choice for various early game grunts and Svamps, as well as a few of the brute type enemies.

It may sound like a recipe for disaster, a slow paced tactical game that needs fast decisive action at times having so many ammo types for each weapon when the character himself controls so clunkily, but here is where the Weapon Select button (L1 – Type B) comes in. Holding L1 will freeze the game, letting you take all the time you need. You scroll through your weapons with Up and Down, while you change the type of ammo with Left and Right on the D-Pad.

Meme I found a new version of the clown and circus meme. Perhaps it is a meta commentary, on me, the player. I hope not.

Atmos2 Atmos When the game nails atmosphere, it absolutely nails it. Especially in the Pallatine Building, and particularly in the ritual area. This Faustina Priestess is the real secret behind Pakistan's undead economy, though buried long ago, it continues to stick around somehow.

The difficulty of Blade's very uneven, it starts out relatively calm, but there is always that odd enemy or two that will get you with the Machine Pistol, and you will often find a nasty surprise late into the game. Sometimes, an ambush of two mini-bosses will mean your ruin due to the clunky controls. The boss fights, much like the main game itself are sloppy, but they do have some ideas behind them. Sloppy, but with some ideas, just about sums up the game.

Atmos2 The Museum isn't bad either, there is something about baked lighting that feels really pleasing to the eye. Simple. Comfortable.

Now, in terms of secrets, one level has an alternative exit, not really a big deal. More importantly, there are hidden throughout the game various glyphs (most are easy to find) that let you read lore about various vampire clans and types. Some of the glyphs near the end of the game let you unlock cheat codes like infinite ammo.

What is interesting is the final level. Throughout the game you can pick up weapons parts, there are 4 in total, to make a UV cannon. Should you find them all, you will get a shorter version of the final level that takes place at nighttime. I much preferred the daytime version you get when you don't have all the parts, as it is a far harder and more trying endurance test. The longer stage shares the final portion of its route with the short one, but you still get two different versions of the final boss though there the day time version is lame, as you just have to run around pressing buttons, whereas the UV cannon fight is tense due to its overheating mechanic.

View Even at the zenith of the final level, Blade will take his time to enjoy a view, and so should you.

The End Watching Wesley Snipes in Deadpool and Wolverine brought back many nostalgic memories of better times for me (Blade 2 was quite popular in my school), I hope at least some part of this review was enjoyable.

 
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from rC:\ Writing Portfolio

I Believe In the Fediverse

In 2022, tech magnate and bombastic personality Elon Musk purchased Twitter for $44 billion, thumbing the scales of an already polarized social media website further toward censorship, misinformation and ideological warfare. Twitter once was—and arguably still is—the closest thing to an open forum on the internet with widespread participation among people of all social status, from A-list celebrities to run-of-the-mill crackpots. While this may be true, it hasn't stopped millions of people from completely abandoning the site as the quality of the user experience continues to degrade beyond our wildest imaginations.

The critical weakness of Twitter was exposed during the aftermath of this multi-billion dollar transaction: a forum cannot actually be open when it is owned and operated by a central authority with a transparent political agenda. Much digital ink has been spilled over when exactly Twitter was ruined, but it's hard to deny that it got there. People have begun to understand the need for an alternative, seeking it out in new and familiar destinations alike.

The new social web, in many ways, looks like the old social web. The kinds of people who were on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat and Vine in the early 2010s are likely spending more time on Instagram, TikTok, Threads and Bluesky in the mid-2020s. We're still tapping out ten-second, hundred-character ephemera into our pocket rectangles, the parameters have just shifted slightly. While I'm glad to see people recognize the need to cut ties with a burgeoning hotbed of reactionary ideology in the case of Twitter, I worry that many have not learned the correct lessons from this saga and are setting themselves up to repeat the same mistakes.

As we continue down a path toward tech oligopoly and unfettered transfer of wealth to the upper echelons of society, it should be clear that another centralized, corporate platform cannot be the key cornerstone of a free and open internet. An alternative will always be necessary when the entire infrastructure of a communication service can be acquired with a cash transfer. Enter Mastodon: an open-source, decentralized Twitter equivalent that could be a viable solution to this growing problem.

Mastodon is part of a vast social networking platform known as the fediverse. This platform makes use of the ActivityPub protocol, a framework for seamless communication between various interlinked, disparate services. In practice, a Mastodon user can see content and interact with profiles from all over the fediverse, well beyond anything that exists under the Mastodon umbrella. Fediverse servers (referred to as “instances”) are comparable to email servers, hosted by different kinds of people from around the globe and able to communicate with each other by design.

The fediverse is as much a part of the small web as your personal website or blog. Its utility in your life is as shallow or deep as you want; your experience will be the priority every step of the way. Fediverse services are never going to harvest your data, advertise to you or psychologically manipulate you into scrolling further—they only seek to connect you with other fediverse users. The fediverse is also literally a “small web” in the grand scheme of social media. Mastodon only has about 7,000,000 users, around half of the total Bluesky userbase and about thirty times smaller than the population on Meta's Threads app.

Threads is technically part of this federated network, though its users currently cannot follow or see replies from other fedizens, demonstrating Meta's lack of good faith commitment to the concept. Bluesky is another popular refuge for Twitter expats, developed on a similar protocol to ActivityPub. The Authenticated Transfer protocol is not linked to the fediverse or any other service outside of Bluesky, suggesting this for-profit service's touted openness could end up being more style than substance. It's possible to bridge profiles between Mastodon and Bluesky using hacky third-party methods, but this is not quite the same as the intercommunicability you'd find between fediverse instances.

Most people are not thinking too deeply about the technical minutiae, they simply go where other people are. Once you get used to a certain place, it's difficult to see the point of spending time anywhere else. Enmeshing yourself in any given service will eventually expose you to its limitations, there might be ways around them but you're going to be aware of them regardless. There's a certain Stockholm syndrome-like quality to social media partisanship; I can't confidently say I've been above it in all my years of using the internet.

I've always been fascinated with the abundance of social media apps that all end up doing the same thing. If social media is supposed to be a place on the web to share shortform text, pictures, video and audio clips, why do we need so many places to do it? At a certain point after uploading videos to Twitter, posting a Notes app essay on Instagram or publishing an animated photo album reel on YouTube, how have we not discovered that this is all the same?

The beauty of the fediverse is a distinct recognition of this fact; the entire utility of social media has been flattened into one logical, streamlined plane of deployment. The services that make up the fediverse aren't deadlocked in competition, instead collaborating with each other to popularize the ActivityPub standard. Rather than being driven by market forces that funnel development efforts toward unwanted features, fediverse apps endeavor to provide the best possible experience for their intended use cases and nothing more.

Mastodon is the premier service, it's practically synonymous with the fediverse among the uninitiated. There are also several other federated Mastodon-likes offering comparable features and exclusive benefits, such as Misskey, Sharkey, Friendica and Pleroma. Pixelfed is the designated Instagram replacement, about as straightforward as it gets. A TikTok competitor called Loops was also recently made available by the Pixelfed developers. Peertube remains criminally underutilized as people clamor for a viable YouTube alternative, though it can be challenging to find a suitable instance. Lemmy successfully gained a foothold among disillusioned Reddit users, but it's still too niche to be useful for certain interests due to lack of engagement. WriteFreely is a solid, if bare-bones choice for blogging in my experience, seemingly lacking functionality offered by other free services.

The fediverse as it exists today is clearly a mixed bag. It's nice that all of these services can talk to each other, but the practical application of this is questionable at best from my vantage point. Further buy-in is required from wealthy, technically-skilled people to keep the project sustainable. Prominent instances that serve a specific niche on the fediverse like botsin.space are forced to shut down due to lack of support, exposing a weakness of this concept and demonstrating why it might not actually be the one-size-fits-all solution needed to fix social media altogether.

It's been a great service for my specific interests as a tech blogger, but I worry the evangelists can't see past their nose when it comes to clarifying the benefits of joining for other kinds of people. The sign up process is notoriously confusing for those who are more familiar with conventional social media. The actual usability of fediverse apps is almost never a clear upgrade over their mainstream counterparts. We've reached a point with computing—and every experience downstream from it—where the focus has shifted away from providing a quality product and more toward extracting value out of those who are too dug in to learn a new way of doing things. The alternatives don't currently have the infrastructure or cultural cachet to compete, requiring more effort and compromise than the average person may be interested in.

All I can do is share bits of personal experience in hopes that it resonates with people. I've enjoyed my time on the fediverse, but I'm just not as deep into it as other folks. While I think it would be a fun project to start my own instance from home, I don't exactly have the time, money, housing continuity and technical competence to get it done right away. Still, the act of remaining on a large general-purpose instance like mastodon.social does not make me less of a fediverse user in the same way that relying on a desktop environment does not make me less of a Linux user—yes, it's true.

I decided to join Mastodon in the summer of 2023 when I became fed up with the direction of Twitter under its new leadership. By this point, Twitter had become more of a news tool than a social media site for my uses. I was drowning in a sea of voices; nothing I shared had any amount of penetration, and the mutual acquaintances I once kept up with grew distant or dropped off completely. I chose mastodon.social because it seemed like the most logical starting point for getting into an ecosystem I knew practically nothing about.

It took a period of months to start coalescing around like-minded individuals on Mastodon. Posting in several hashtags, monitoring the various timelines, filtering out obnoxious keywords and vigilantly muting obviously fake, spam-ridden and low quality accounts worked wonders for discovering people. I can proudly say I've made more genuine connections on Mastodon in under two years then I ever did on that Twitter account I made in 2009. Though I may not have the energy to post multiple times a day, every day, I'm likely to get something out of it when I do.

I believe in the fediverse as a Utopian concept for a social web unconstrained by corporate influence. I've been exposed to avant-garde ideas and artistic creations I wouldn't have encountered anywhere else. I've met some wonderful people who've encouraged me to be more creative, put myself out there, think in different ways and grow as an individual. There is a personal touch to the fediverse that can be difficult to describe. Fedizens appreciate your contributions in a way you won't find as easily in other communities focused on cultural narratives and clout chasing. It can be easy to forget how small Mastodon is when you're reaching an engaged audience without much barrier to entry.

That being said, it's important to recognize that the fediverse may never end up being a snug fit for everyone. It's not likely to win over anybody who is averse to using social media or those who struggle to find a healthy balance with online activities. While it's not as explicitly hierarchical and addicting-by-design as some of the other corporate services I briefly mentioned, the perverse incentive structures baked into the concept of social media are inextricably linked to fediverse apps as well. The ways that social apps shape our behavior are beyond the scope of this piece, but suffice to say, the fediverse won't likely be a panacea for anybody's social isolation or attention span issues. All the negative factors I've discussed add up to a potentially tough sell, hence why I don't normally extol the benefits of the fediverse to everyone I know.

The irony of this ambitious interlinked system of cooperative social media services ultimately having limited appeal beyond a thin slice of diehard enthusiasts is not lost on me, but at the same time, that lack of reach might actually be a good thing. The small web is experiencing a revival, in part because previous attempts to create a central location on the internet for every kind of person to mingle have mostly proven to be a failure, a net negative for society at large. The internet was always better when there were degrees of separation between demographics—the evolution of the new social web is bearing this out. It would be great if humans could get together, sing Kum Ba Yah and find ways to appreciate each others' differences, but that's simply not the world we live in. Until that day comes, I'll keep sharing periodical musings with the handful of people in my circle over here.

(Originally published in Ctrl-ZINE Issue #17: https://ctrl-c.club/~/loghead/zine/Ctrl-ZINE.issue.17.pdf)

 
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from Sodium Reactor

Alright, bear with me.

The yearslong assault on journalism and criticism, especially in gaming, makes sense to me when constellated among a few other trends. Others have likely tied these all together more completely or succinctly but you're reading me instead.

Media choice has increasingly become a stand-in for identity online (and only online). Rather than fandom being a facet of a fully fleshed out person, there's a growing temptation to define yourself by your media consumption. Late stage capitalism has reduced us to consumers.

Increasingly insular communities that get more and more tribal, more and more insular, and more and more hostile encourage simplistic us vs them conversations. Rather than introspection or analysis, forum level conversation often stop at “do you like this thing?” with little attempt to place a work or series in any larger context

Media choice has increasingly become a stand-in for morality online (and only online). Once we define ourselves by our media consumption, it only makes sense to wanna overlay the same good/evil or moral/immoral axes onto media consumption the same way we would personal beliefs or actions.

Economic conditions and developments mean journalists have less money, time, support, and resources than ever. The push for metrics and traffic and engagement above all else also incentives outrage over nuanced critique.

Negative reviews of media you enjoy feel bad. Full stop. There is an easy (and historical) kneejerk reaction of “what does that stupid critic know anyways? They don't even like this thing/genre/property to begin with.” But if you have no distance between your identity, media choices, and morality, then a negative review becomes an attack on your entire being. An existential crisis.

Now you have an enemy to attack. This is exacerbated by the same easy flimsy logic perpetuated by right wing populism that has grown online. Conflating increasingly hostile capitalism with modest and often only topical social advancements. “You had more money at the same time you didn't see all this race and LGBT focus so if you surpress them you'll go back to having money.” It doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to. It's easy and comfy.

Shit is fucked up all over. I don't have clear solutions. I'm just trying to put pieces together and connect dots and maybe trace out the larger contours of this nightmare we're all enduring.

But you are more than your hyperfixations. You are more than your MyAnimeList or your Steam library or your GoodReads. Media is not (necessarily) morality.

 
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from Lucifer Orbis

Updating on my previous post, I finally – finally – finished The Mirror of Simple Souls by Margaret Porette. I’m so happy because it wasn’t easy and I may or may not have something to say about it. Maybe in general terms, but even to me it was too much. And not even on purpose, another book came out: Dissident women, beguines, and the quest for spiritual authority by Catherine Lambert. I’m going to read it after taking 1000 naps. I mean, the book title says everything. What I enjoyed the most about Margaret was precisely the independence with which she lived her faith, especially at a time when independence and women were mutually exclusive. I wrote the following text a while ago, but didn’t publish it because I didn’t think it was that good but here goes.


I was listening to a song called Ballad of the Prodigal Son. It's terribly beautiful and collected. It's actually funny that the story, being a joyful one, and with a happy ending, at least for the father and the son – the brother being rightfully pissed at the special treatment and kinda missing the point – the angelic voice shifted tone just in the right measure to bring tears to my eyes. I still have no idea why I listen to these things, but I do. Oh, it's late at night. Silence! And a middle-age crisis.

Circling back, this is a very well-known story but as my memory fails me consistently, I don't recall it from my childhood; or maybe it was in a book a nanny gave me. I must have heard it, but without much contextual memory from those early years, I can only trust that the story reached me one day somehow. It’s common knowledge that the communion of saints is one of the fundamental principles of the Catholic Church. But why exactly do people need saints? What's a saint supposed to do? After all, Christ is Lord. He is, but sometimes you just need a little nudge to get there. The saints can do precisely that. So, a normal Catholic will tell you “we don't worship saints!” even though they may be talking with their favourite saints the whole day, but this is the part that they don't tell you so it can't get confused with “worshipping”. However, if they tell you that they're talking with other Catholics the entire day, it's not worshipping, it's a conversation. This is exactly what the communion of saints is – relishing in the very connection between earthly and heavenly things, and everything in between – that of holy people united by the sacraments and communion with Christ our saviour. Think about it as a connection between the human and the divine; the human turned holy, touched by grace and by the Holy Spirit which is common to us all. In other words, it’s being in touch.

Of course I’m only mentioning this in very loose terms, not even explaining anything, but you get the idea. Where I want to get at is, as made abundantly clear in a previous post, I have a favourite saint. That person died 400 years ago. I could try to update myself a little bit and choose another saint as a guide but I can’t. My head is resting on the perfect lap, if I can be so candid. I can push it a bit further and say that my body is being held by the perfect pair of arms and my soul is being fed the most eloquent whispers. That my will is being guided by the wisest actions and my dreams are being set on fire by the most ferocious passion. Ok, I’ll stop here before this gets weird – and it does. Remember that angel? Where do you think that passion comes from? It came from God, it was infused into a human being who subsequently wrote a number of theological teatrises that pierced the soul of another human being 400 years later. Now think about this as a web of connections, of a pulsating heart from where all arteries and veins expand. This is just the power of one saint and her communion with Christ. Think how many individuals are connected to Christ through a web of connections with other people, and these, with others. It is, in other terms, a Church.

My head is resting on the perfect lap My body is held by the perfect pair of arms My soul is fed the most eloquent whispers My will is guided by the wisest actions My dreams are lit by the most ferocious passion

Hah, it almost looks like I’m in love! Teresa of Avila, in her younger years, got access to a number of books. One of them was Letters of St. Jerome. See, St. Jerome was an inspiration to her and a guide in her own faith. As such, I also started reading his letters, learning that he was the translator of the Bible to Latin and a few other facts about his life. I wanted to read his letters, because they lingered in the eyes of Teresa and his words flipped a switch some time later. One of his letters caught my eye – To Theodosius and the rest of the anchorites. It was there that I saw Luke 15:3-5 and ended up reading the whole passage. For context, St. Jerome wrote: “I am the prodigal son who although I have squandered all the portion entrusted to me by my father, have not yet bowed the knee in submission to him; not yet have I commenced to put away from me the allurement of my former excesses.” Oh Jerome, how much we have in common! And then, by some weird coincidence, the heavenly voice I mentioned in the first paragraph starts singing the ballad that gave melody to my ears, a ballad previously unknown to me, playing on shuffle on YouTube, echoing the Holy Spirit, echoing Luke’s gospel, echoing Jerome, echoing Teresa, and piercing me.

 
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from forrest

mognet2 title card

(context: this is an email response to a reader who provided feedback on my scathing critique of social media found in the first issue of Mognet; essentially, this is a follow-up clarifying some of the WHY of why I left social media.)


Hello Reader,

I really appreciate you reaching out. It kinda made my morning when I read your email. I didn’t know I had this type of influence on people—or even one person, for that matter. I was especially surprised that it was you who reached out, as I was under the impression that, for some reason, you didn’t like me or something, but that was probably just my mind playing tricks, as it often does.

I’ll preface this with the classic Spider-Man quote that we all know so well, but I won’t actually type it out here; instead, I’ll just say the following: influence is a tricky thing that comes with a lot of responsibility, and I don’t know if I’m truly worthy of influencing anyone. So please take everything that comes after this paragraph with massive piles of salt.

Anyway, as I said, I really appreciate you reaching out. And I understand that, because of my previous Mognet post (and my actually-leaving-Mastodon), you, too, are now considering leaving Mastodon. So, let’s talk about that.

And yes, I know who you are. I averaged about four hours a day on Mastodon (between mobile and desktop) while I was still a user there, so I can confidently say that—up until the point when I left—I’d read every single one of your posts and either A) liked it, B) commented on it, or C) didn’t interact with it at all because it would have felt inappropriate to do so. To elaborate on that last one: like you, I have pretty poor social skills (even online), especially when it comes to expressing empathy for someone’s personal misfortune; and a large part of the reason I don’t like to console people online in this way is because, well, I just don’t care that much—OK, let me rephrase that: I care intellectually, but I don’t care that much emotionally. I can recognize when something bad happens, understand its impact, and realize that it sucks, but I don't feel bad for the person specifically. (Note that I am referring to online people I have never met here, not family or friends or someone getting stabbed on the street in front of me or whatever.) So, as you can imagine, the idea of me providing emotional support to someone online that I barely know makes me feel a bit fraudulent. What am I supposed to say? “I'm sorry your relative died,” “praying for your quick cancer recovery,” or send little heart emoji and/or animated dancing heart gifs or something? If that’s expected, do we really want a community where we’re all doing all these little performative, feel-good platitudes that lack real emotional weight? At that point, I’d constantly worry about the sincerity of the person telling me they’re “so sorry” for my loss or whatever. This ties directly into social media, which, in my view, has become very performative in this exact way. But perhaps I'm just the odd one out here; maybe quote-unquote normal people do feel deep empathy for literally everyone else's misfortunes. Who knows. Somehow, however, I doubt it, because if so, we would be seeing a lot more people just hanging limp from rafters or crumpled fetal in the corner sobbing due to the sheer volume of psionic shit they would be experiencing on the day-to-day; it would all be too overwhelming. Not even the main character Jesus Christ from the hit novel The Bible could maintain that level of empathetic care without at least breaking down into tears every few minutes. I just don't buy it. When we start throwing these platitudes around all the time for literally everything—especially when we don’t really know the people personally—we make sentiment cheap and, as a result, no one can tell what's truly heartfelt and what's not. Maybe you can relate to all this, maybe not. The important thing, though—(and I’m not just putting this in as a disclaimer, I actually believe this intellectually, emotionally, &c.)—is that, while this all sounds very cynical and mean, we have to remember that, even if we don't personally feel sorrow on behalf of someone's misfortune, that misfortuned someone is still a fleshy human person who deserves our respect; and, in my mind, refraining from empty platitudes is more respectful than flippantly telling everyone, “I’m sorry that happened to you” for every little thing; and in this way, when I do express empathy, the person receiving said empathy will absolutely know it’s genuine—because it will be.

That was a long-winded tangent. Sorry about that. You probably think I’m some sort of major asshole now. Like I said earlier: piles of salt, &c., &c.

Anyway, yes, I was (am) aware that you were diagnosed with autism. I have never been formally diagnosed with autism, but I was diagnosed with ADHD “pretty much five seconds after the pediatrician met you” (my mom’s words). What I think I’m trying to say is that, while I may not be diagnosed with autism, I feel it’s appropriate to respond to you here because I think I can relate to your situation personally. Outside of us playing very similar games at very similar points in our lives—(such as Half-Life 2, which you seem to really like [see—I have read your posts], and I also really like Half-Life 2; in fact, Half-Life 2 is probably one of my favorite games, if I had to pick; up there with The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time [which I seem to recall you not liking very much—maybe I am misremembering?])—I, too, faced all forms of bullying in school; from wads of paper thrown at me in class to literal sitcom-like toilet swirlies (only happened once) to just being straight-up attacked while going to the bathroom (this happened, like, twice; both times I escaped unharmed). So, as you can imagine, I was “the weird kid” or “the future school shooter” or “the faggot” or, well, you get the point. After a while, I just exaggeratedly played into these roles to scare the other kids into leaving me alone, which started to work by the time high school rolled around, but by that point, kids kinda just stopped bullying me and retreated fully into their own little cliques. And all this was in the early 2000s, when social media was just starting out. It (social media) hadn’t caught on with adults yet, but it was mega popular with kids; everyone had a Myspace profile, and every Myspace profile had a wall of comments, and every wall of comments was located right under a “top friends” section displaying, at most, like six friends—which was a pre-programmed limitation for some reason or other. (And you can’t begin to imagine the amount of drama caused by that “top friends” thing; the number of friendships torn apart by the very act of changing the top slot on said “top friends” section was, quite frankly, unimaginable.) All that, plus the private message feature, plus the fact that parents didn’t have a clue about the internet back then, resulted in pretty much a wild west of teen and pre-teen weirdness that even I wish I could forget sometimes. And this was just the beginning of the weird shit kids got up to online back then.

Anyway, I think I’m getting off topic, again.

What I meant to say is that I originally started using online services (like Myspace) for the same reasons you did: to find a community of like-minded people, to connect with the youth of which I was also a part of. And I still think that social media is a good way to find like-minded people, but, unfortunately, it’s fraught with the perils you mentioned in your original email: cyberbullying (which is much easier to do—and fall victim to—online, as it’s easy to forget that people are indeed people when you’re communicating with them from behind a screen), the constant questioning of whether people are who they say they are, the emotional-sincerity problem that I mentioned in that long tangent earlier, this tit-for-tat you-share-my-post-I’ll-share-yours interaction system which leaves you wondering if people genuinely value you as a real human person or if they’re just using you to increase their own e-clout, and the ease with which every community turns into a tribal echo chamber in which anyone with even slightly differing opinions is ostracized right into another harmful echo chamber. All of this—and, I’m sure, much more that I am just unable to fully articulate at the moment—lends to online social media feeling very transactional and fake indeed.

But, again, I recognize the value of community, and I understand that some people do not have a real, in-the-flesh network of people that they can consider their own community, and that these people—for the sake of their own well-being—may need to find a community on social media instead. And that’s OK. In fact, it’s better than nothing. I would just caution those who pursue this avenue to be aware that these online communities can never replace the physical experience of being around other like-minded people in the flesh; and the more we retreat into these social media safe havens, the more we become sucked into them, the more we become reliant on them, and, thus, the more we disconnect ourselves from the people around us, thus thus driving everyone into these highly polarized online spaces from which it becomes nearly impossible to remove oneself due to the addictive nature of social media itself.

But, of course, there’s danger in everything we do. Perhaps I’m just being a doomsayer. Maybe I’m just trying to post-hoc justify my decision to remove myself from Mastodon.

Which is a nice segue back into the reason why you emailed me to begin with: your implied question, “Should I, too, leave Mastodon?”

And the answer is going to disappoint you, I guess. Because the answer is: I don’t know.

Here’s the lowdown on why I left Mastodon. Yes, I wrote that Mognet piece; yes, it was a real email to a real reader; and yes, I still believe everything I wrote in that email. (And yes, I’m posting this one here as a follow up because I feel what I’m about to get into here is very important.) But the twist here is that most of that first Mognet piece was projection. And when I posted the piece online (on Mastodon, lol), a lot of people got kinda defensive and upset about the whole thing, as if I was calling them out specifically. This backlash was mostly prompted by the following line (I think):

“. . . it doesn't remove the human need for self-validation that inspires all of the following: fake feel-good shit, posting pictures of video games and/or toys one bought hoping for someone to reply with 'wow, that's really cool' . . .”

But I wasn’t calling anyone out except myself.

Due to an unwise decision on my part, I chose to use the collective “we” pronoun throughout the entire email/piece, which, perhaps, was my subconscious mind kinda deflecting the accusations that my conscious mind was making against itself. Those accusations were that I was using social media to farm validation through the constant posting of my own stuff, all hoping that people would like, share, and comment things like “wow, you’re amazing and smart and introspective,” and so on and so forth. And that, really, the whole thing is a cautionary tale on why you should be careful about which pronouns you use in an article or essay or whatever.

The fact of the matter—the bit that was left out of the original email/piece (and why I’m taking so much time to type this up to you and then post it as a follow up to the first Mognet piece)—is that I have always had an addictive personality. I have had problems with drugs, alcohol, gaming, and whatever else you can think of. Anything that makes me feel good, I can’t stop doing. So, when I wasn’t at my computer scrolling through Mastodon, I was on my phone scrolling through Mastodon. Even when I was writing my long essays and whatnot, I was compelled to check Mastodon after writing every sentence just to see if anyone had liked or commented on my stuff; in hindsight, it’s like some sort of techno-demon had invaded my mind and taken control of my right arm so that they could constantly click on the Mastodon bookmark every few minutes to power some dark hell battery. I had even turned my mobile notification volume to max to kinda be like, “I don’t need to check Mastodon all the time now because when someone interacts with me on Mastodon, I’ll now get a very loud beep from my phone.” But even then, I still manually checked Mastodon. I could not stop.

So, what changed? I’m not sure, but something clicked in my brain and, suddenly, the techno-demon was exorcized. I kept thinking of a time when I didn’t use social media, which was many times throughout my life, and most of those times I felt happy and validated without it (social media)—and I just kept thinking about that. I kept thinking that there was a time in my life in which I felt validated and happy without having to check social media every 5 minutes. I kept thinking that there was a time in my life when I could just sit there playing a video game like Final Fantasy VII and not feel compelled to take screenshots to then post on social media every 5 minutes. There was a time when I could enjoy doing things without having to tell everyone online that I was doing said things. I started thinking: “Why can’t I just enjoy stuff for stuff’s sake? Why do I have to keep telling everybody about the stuff that I am doing?” And this thought then made me think that, perhaps, I was cheapening the things I enjoyed by insisting that my enjoyment of those things be validated by people online—as if my enjoyment of those things were controlled in some way by the whims of people other than myself. I don’t know if I’m explaining this well, but the whole thing really made me feel kinda sick.

Social media is a lot like smoking cigarettes, actually. I used to smoke about a pack a day—Marlboro Lights were my brand—and every thirty minutes or so, I would interrupt what I was doing to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Say, for example, that I was playing a video game or something; every thirty minutes, on the dot, I would get up, go outside, light a cigarette, smoke it for about 7 minutes, then go back inside and start playing the game again. And when I was back inside playing the game, I would barely be enjoying the game itself because, while playing, I was thinking about smoking another cigarette in thirty minutes and counting down the minutes.

And just to hammer the point home: If I were playing a video game for 4 hours straight but took a 7-minute smoke break every 30 minutes, that’s about 56 minutes of smoking during that 4-hour period, which is really just 56 minutes I could have been playing the video game. My mind was cigarettes all the time. I stopped smoking back in 2022, so I’ve secured much of that future wasted time. But, up until just yesterday, I had spent who knows how long just doomsurfing Mastodon and/or telling people on Mastodon about what I was doing instead of actually doing the thing I was telling people I was doing—literally an unquantifiable amount of time wasted when I could have been enjoying the stuff I was actually interested in.

So, I kept asking myself—why couldn’t I just enjoy things? Why did I have to tell everyone that I was doing the things? Why couldn’t I just sit down and read a book, play a game, or watch a movie without telling everyone I was reading a book, playing a game, or watching a movie?

Is any of this making sense? I feel like I’m just typing a bunch of words, the meaning of which is being lost due to the inadequacies of the English language (or just my inability as a writer—maybe both?).

Basically, I left Mastodon for personal reasons. And my personal reasons shouldn’t be your reasons. You need your own reasons.

If any of this resonates with you—good, I’m glad we can relate to each other. But don’t feel like you have to delete Mastodon because someone was irresponsibly using “we” pronouns instead of “I” in a piece about the ills of social media.

But, for the record, I do believe that social media is a cheap way to feel validated, and I also believe that it’s a cheap way to find community, and I also believe that it’s a tar pit of sorts that enables both personal and political inaction by being a hugbox echo chamber full of people just telling each other the things they want to hear, and I also believe that its entire design is conducive to being highly addictive and thus harmful long-term, especially to “neurodivergent” people with addiction problems and/or hyperfocus tendencies and/or trouble moderating.

But these are just my beliefs (and I’m realizing now that “belief” is a weird way to frame all of this, but whatever). You do you. I’m not going to tell you that you should leave Mastodon or any other social media network. I’m not comfortable telling you that. I’m not comfortable telling you what to do at all. But, if I were—hypothetically—comfortable telling people what to do, I would probably tell them something like this:

If you find yourself mindlessly scrolling through social media or constantly posting pictures of your favorite things or obsessively updating everyone on every little thing about your life or replying to posts with little platitudes while not actually caring all that much about the actual people behind the posts or getting angry over other people’s posts for whatever reason or comparing yourself to your followers or trying to be like some online influencer—ask yourself, WHY?

And if you don’t like the answer, do something about it.

The most important question you can ask yourself is WHY?

WHY AM I DOING THIS STUFF?

And then, when you think you know the answer, ask WHY again, and again and again and again and again.

For me, deleting my social media presence was merely one of the many conclusions I reached after asking myself WHY over and over again. And I’m not done.

Even now, I’m still asking.

Thanks,

Forrest


*sent on 11/10/2024

#autobiographical #mognet

 
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mognet1 title card

(context: this is an email response to a reader who provided feedback on the social media commentary found in the essay “Gods Among Men and Mer or: SOTHA SIL IS DEAD.”)


Yo,

When I first saw your email—(of which I'm usually notified through my phone, but for some reason, it [your email] did not push a mobile notification, so I only found your email once I manually checked Protonmail on my PC using Firefox on a whim [which, oddly enough, was three minutes after you had sent the email itself])—titled “Morrowind, Social Media, and Long-form Writing,” I honestly expected a long critique and/or attack on my work; something like “you misunderstood the plot of the game,” or “you overuse semicolons,” or “you can't just put hyphens between random words for emphasis like that; compound nouns/adjectives don't work that way—it's confusing,” or “you could have cleaned up this and this and that, and it would have been much more concise,” etc., etc. (These fears likely stemming from some deep-rooted insecurity about my own ability as a writer.) So, as you can now imagine, when I read your email and found it to be quite pleasant, it coaxed a genuine smile out of this pale, blue-light-stained face, especially considering that no one has ever emailed me directly about my writing before. And for that, I thank you.

(Note that, on social media and through email, I usually communicate in mostly lowercase without a care for grammar/syntax, but since you took the time to write such a long and thoughtful email—nearly an essay itself, really—I figured that I'd give you the same respect.)

Obviously, I agree with nearly everything you've written, as what you wrote resonates with the message of “Gods Among Men and Mer or: SOTHA SIL IS DEAD” pretty much to a tee. So, in that respect, I don't have much to add. I will say, however, that your email has got me thinking about disconnecting from social media entirely, which, granted, is a thought that I have every week (sometimes daily), which, as you might imagine, stirs up some serious psychic shit in my head, making me feel like some sort of fraud, which, I imagine, is a common feeling most people have in this modern age, in which using the internet—which even children know is an obvious mental health disaster—is practically mandatory to survive; we are pretty much forced to use it (the internet) and even, in some cases, cajoled to use social media; be it Facebook to keep in touch with family or Discord to keep in touch with friends or Reddit to find simple answers to dumb questions because literally every Google search results in a full page of Reddit links. And, to top it all off, all these platforms are corporate as hell and vying to suck our brains out through the very tubes—(you know, the “series of tubes”)—the Internet is made from (and, recently, I wrote about this at length in an essay titled “CORPORATE DRAGON SLAYER or: Writing is Punk Rock”).

The Internet-being-co-opted-by-corporate-entities bit is important, and it's the reason I have chosen to mostly use defederated platforms for all internet stuff, including Mastodon in lieu of Twitter/Bluesky and Lemmy in lieu of Reddit, although I find myself—for whatever reason—sometimes using the corporate versions here and there; Reddit mostly, just to spread my work to a wider audience—not for profit, as that's not really my intent (my intent being kinda nebulous and weird, but it's something I have written about—also, at length—in various essays here and there). But, recently, I've come to the shaky conclusion that while the Corporate Thing is important in regards to feedback loops, echo chambers, misinformation campaigns, and endless cycles of self-gratification, it's not the driving factor: the driving factor is the underlying thing behind it, and the underlying thing behind it is PEOPLE.

People were not meant to communicate this way (i.e., social media).

Social media does something to our fragile validation-craving psyches. We cannot get enough of social media, and once we get a taste of the validation that social media can provide, we bend and morph ourselves into whatever form is necessary to continue receiving that validation—and, many times, this morphing effect happens with the very first thing that provides significant validation; for example, some right-winger could like your post, resonate with the message (even if it was an unintended resonance), and suddenly, you are catering all your future output to the right-wing crowd because it provides the most immediate dopamine; and, before you know it, you are smack-dab in the middle of a KKK meeting discussing how to whiten-up the neighborhood (or something—you get the point; and yes, I know this can happen in real, bona fide communities as well, but it's far easier to stumble into online). It's almost as if social media itself is designed to be as addictive as possible—and in this way, if I'm being empathetic (which I try to be, always), I can't be angry at the people who fall for it. It seems to me that simply being on social media does something to one's personality, morphs it into some twisted version of itself, the version that maximizes validation. And I'm not above this Kafkaesque metamorphosis; I find myself sometimes editing my own thoughts and, in worst cases, my own writing, because I think someone in my primary audience—(Mastodon, which I'm about to get into in very specific detail)—might take something the wrong way and get upset; and, in this way, I am censoring myself, and that feels incredibly gross in hindsight.

I bring this up because I am very active on the social media platform Mastodon—(and, before I go on, I want to say that I've met a lot of great people there; in fact, about 80% of the people who read my stuff only do so because they found it on Mastodon [many of whom only reply with stuff like “this is great” or “loved this,” which makes me wonder if they even bothered to read the work, but, really, what I'm trying to say is: I'm very grateful for the platform in many ways])—but the platform itself is a huge echo chamber of back-patting and virtue signaling for literally every left-wing cause (which, itself, isn't a bad thing), but, because the environment itself is insular, nothing productive in terms of real political influence gets accomplished; people think that they can just tell each other to vote for Democrats or support trans rights or fight fascism or whatever, but these people are not the ones who need to hear this stuff because they are all already doing the very things they are telling each other to do, i.e., an echo chamber, a recursive loop: an ouroboros of feel-good validation with the ultimate purpose being self-gratification above all else—this feeling of, “look, Mom! I'm telling people to do the Good Things™, aren't I such a good person with good virtues? Please tell me I'm a good person!” while nothing is actually getting done; the whole thing is self-serving and vain. And I'm not saying that we always need to be accomplishing something, either. I don't really have the answer to all this stuff. What I am trying to say, however, is that these places are indeed echo chambers brought about by the human need for validation, and, while being defederated (and, thus, not corporate) is a good thing, it doesn't remove the human need for self-validation that inspires all of the following: fake feel-good shit, posting pictures of video games and/or toys one bought hoping for someone to reply with “wow, that's really cool,” scolding and shaming anyone who even barely questions the platform's fickle zeitgeist, those weird accounts that post one-liners that get a metric shit ton of likes yet seem very much like bots indeed (think @dril), &c. &c. There is something wrong with the whole thing. We, being people like myself who can't seem to stop posting about ourselves on social media, are looking for validation from other “quote-unquote” people online—and I use “quote-unquote” because these are not real, in-the-flesh interactions, but, instead, interactions with profile pictures that may or may not represent who the actual person is behind the screen, so they could, for all we know, be figments of our imagination or bots; I don't actually believe the aforementioned claim there literally, but what I'm trying to say is that the interactions are “cheap” in some way, and I don't think I need to explain that further; it just kinda feels intuitively true for anyone using social media, I would argue—but we will never find true validation from hazy misrepresentations of supposedly real people online; we can only find true validation from within and from the fleshy people around us (i.e., true friends & family). We fool ourselves into thinking that thousands of likes on a picture of our mint-condition copy of Final Fantasy IX for the PlayStation will bring us true happiness (or whatever), but, of course, it never will.

Humans need community, real community—and social media is a false community. Our mental health declines because, for some reason, we continue to believe that social media can replace actual fleshy people, when it obviously can't. We fall deeper into despair then use the very thing causing our despair to try to climb our way out of said despair, thus just falling even deeper into despair.

So, in my long-winded way—(“Interesting points, but kinda long-winded,” as some random Reddit user said about “Destination Ivalice” [lol])—your email has kinda inspired me to maybe, just maybe, remove myself from Mastodon to reclaim the part of my brain that has been overwritten by the Validation Protocol.

Perhaps my soul depends on it.

Thanks,

Forrest


*sent on 11/9/2024

#autobiographical #mognet

 
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destination ivalice titlecard

Part 1 | Part 2


Prologue

When I was a real young kid, I watched my neighbor shoot my cat with a rifle; I watched her eyes go dark and felt the warmth of her blood on my hands. On that day, I looked deep into the eyes of death—the hard-coded reality of it all—and it pained me terribly. Now, I only look when I really really have to, and even then, I shield my eyes, peering through the thin gaps of my figurative fingers, playing peek-a-boo with the quote-unquote real world.

The thesis of this essay is that everyone does this—not just me, but you, too. And you’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

This one is for Corbel and all the other cats out there who just want to explore the world unfettered by the fear of death.

I. Mewt & Me & Final Fantasy

Mewt Randell is a twelve-year-old kid from the role-playing game Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, released in 2003 by Square Co., Ltd. for the Game Boy Advance. Mewt’s had a rough life; shortly before the events of the game, his mother became sick and died; Cid Randell, Mewt’s father, devastated by the loss of his wife, spiraled into a deadbeat stupor to the point where he was unable to properly care for his son; and all of this left Mewt emotionally orphaned, forced to cope with the grief of losing his mother alone, and this reality pained him terribly. So, being a smart kid with an incredible imagination, Mewt retreated into fantasy worlds, becoming shy and awkward, nearly mute and unable to make meaningful connections with his schoolmates. And when Mewt was not at school getting bullied by the other kids, he was sitting in front of a screen playing video games; his favorite video game series was Final Fantasy.

My favorite video game series is Final Fantasy, too.

It’s important for you to know that I’m typing this essay from an office shed in my backyard that is not dissimilar to a cave containing two PCs, each with three monitors (three for work, the other three for stuff I actually enjoy—like writing longform essays such as the one you’re starting to read right now), a 14-inch late-90s CRT television (for maximum nostalgia when playing quote-unquote retro games), and a flat-panel TV (for DVDs and newer games, although I rarely play anything released after The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess [as I seem to have an irrational dislike of all media released after 2006—or so some of my friends have said]). And If you think that’s a lot of screens, it is—and sometimes all these screens are flashing all at once because, well, why the hell not? And slightly behind the screens, to the left, on the other side of this 12' x 15' room, there’s a bookshelf standing six shelves high containing several novels by Isaac Asimov, Ursula K. Le Guin, William Gibson (three different editions of Neuromancer, for some reason), and Samuel R. Delany; there’s also a fat Lord of the Rings tome, the full bibliography of Philip K. Dick, Slaughterhouse-Five, or, The Children's Crusade: A Duty-Dance with Death, most of the Dune series, Gravity’s Rainbow (haven’t actually read much of this one, although I considered pretending that I did), Infinite Jest, A Clockwork Orange, The Pale King (reading this now, nearly halfway complete, with marks), The Catcher in the Rye, a copy of both Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet each with original Shakespearean text and modern-day English translation (part of the No Fear Shakespeare series), my dad’s 1970s copy of 1984, The Little Prince lost somewhere in there (thin book), Girl with Curious Hair (also haven’t read this one), &c.; some manga including the full Magic Knight Rayearth series and Death Note and X/1999; some graphic novels like the entire Sandman series (written by he who must not be named), some Frank Miller (Ronin, his Batman stuff [which I don't like]), the very obligatory V for Vendetta and Watchmen tomes (of course), and I even have a copy of the New American Bible: St. Joseph Edition, which includes full maps of Jerusalem (and other Bible-relevant locations) drawn in what can only be described as Middle-earth-like illustration. It’s important to note that while the bookshelf itself is so densely packed that removing even one book requires a fair amount of wiggling and some force, there is not a single nonfiction book to be found up there—not a single one; nothing that can be tied back to reality. (I’m not bragging or trying to flaunt some superior taste in literature here—this stuff is pretty basic nowadays, anyway; these are just the facts, these are just things that I happen to have due to the weird causal quirks of how my life played out.) And near the bookshelf, up and to the right, mounted to the wood-paneled wall, is a transparent acrylic case housing six model robots that I built myself, all bent into unique and very cool action poses, and two additional robots atop the case itself, also posed cool, all meticulously panel-lined with black ink to give them that special “pop” which is especially important since these robots are immediately visible upon entering the room. Below the robot case is a thin wooden tower with six shelves containing neatly rowed video game boxes in alphabetical order, starting with the entire Castlevania DS series, then Chrono Trigger DS, then the full DS Dragon Quest mainline canon (which totals close to $569.90—eBay math, as of 10/15/2024 [again, not bragging: just facts]), followed by Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Echoes of Time, Final Fantasy III, Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift, Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor, Strange Journey, SimCity DS, Animal Crossing: Wild World, Hoshigami Remix, Advance Wars: Days of Ruin, every Pokemon title for the DS (this collection is worth something like a whole grand or more [which is solely driven by Nintendo’s forced product scarcity and near-complete lack of backward compatibility between console generations, which they exploit to sell straight digital-online ROM rips of these classic games on their current-generation platforms]), The Dark Spire—(at this point, you probably noticed that the titles are no longer in alphabetical order, and this is because the tower fell over months before writing this and, at the time, I was too busy to put the games back in order, and now the urge to order them has faded entirely and I just don’t care anymore)—Mega Man ZX, WarioWare D.I.Y., Phantasy Star Zero, Lunar Knights, SNK vs. Capcom: Card Fighters DS, Star Fox Command, Hotel Dusk: Room 215, a puzzle game just called Exit for some reason, Kirby: Squeak Squad, Lego Harry Potter: Years 1–4 (which is not actually mine—an ex-girlfriend’s [although possession is nine-tenths of the law, as they say, so it is basically “mine”]). Below the DS shelf sit various boxed PC games, including Spore: Galactic Edition, World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade—(again: not bragging; these are just facts; things that exist in my general vicinity)—Diablo II, Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, Final Fantasy XI: The Vana’diel Collection 2008, Final Fantasy XI: Treasures of Aht Urhgan (the cover art is a full spread of one of Yoshitaka Amano’s most stunning urban landscape scenes: a city of onion-domed palaces swirling in blue haze bordered by warm flowers—this is one of my most treasured pieces of paperboard, as it was gifted to me by my mother back in 2006), Neverwinter Nights Diamond Edition, and The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. (Note: not bragging.)

And below those PC games sit several 3DS titles, more numerous than even my DS collection, though I will spare you the details on that one, as I’m sure you’re mentally exhausted by now, and frankly, I’m tired of typing out all these titles and am not looking forward to having to italicize each one of them with markdown or whatever method is required on the platform where this essay ends up being posted. And again—and this is very important—this is neither a brag nor a boast, these are just facts; these are my seminal games and my formative books: the stuff I spent so much time with that they are now pretty much an extension of myself; these are the treasures of my youth, ancient relics of a time I wish I could return to: my fantasy; my escape. Playing any of the aforementioned games sends me to another world—an Ivalice, of sorts—even so much as seeing the boxes elicits an involuntarily nostalgic trance with blank gaze and drool and the rest of the associated things; much like a Pavlovian response; likewise with the books, reading their words fill me with inspiration and calm, as if nothing else matters in the world, like I’m in my own private Ivalice.

And actually, there are a few more items that I think are especially important (I know I said I would stop, but there are only a few more, I promise): on the bottom shelf sit four video game soundtracks, all in their original fat jewel CD cases (all gifts from an old high school girlfriend): Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy IX, Chrono Cross, and SaGa Frontier II (my favorite of them all); and, in a tall black wooden cabinet to the right of them, all four of these games exist—in near mint-condition packaging—alongside a number of other seminal PlayStation games that I spent many summers playing.

Again, I am not bragging, these are just the facts. (It occurs to me that the more I insist that I’m not bragging, the more you might think I am, in fact, bragging—but again, I am not bragging. And to convince readers of a certain personality type who may still think I’m bragging [despite the many disclaimers]: Fine, you’re right—I’m bragging, but by admitting to bragging, I am showing that I am self-aware enough to critically analyze the fact that I am bragging, thereby negating the bragging somewhat.) And even now, if you’re still convinced I’m bragging, well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take because this stuff is very important. You, the reader, need to know these things. It’s important for you to know all this stuff about me—the whole essay kinda hinges on it; it’s important for you to know that I live ten minutes away from the Atlantic Ocean, and that when I look out across the endless blue, I barely hear the waves over “Fisherman’s Horizon”; it’s important for you to know that when I go on bike rides, I hear “Hunter’s Chance” instead of the harsh air whipping against my face; it’s important for you to know that when I sit down to write essays like the one you’re reading right now, I put on “Guldove: Another World” and imagine I’m in another world myself; and it’s especially important for you to know that, when my newborn son was having trouble sleeping during his first few nights in this cold, dark world, I put on Rhapsody on a Theme of SaGa Frontier II and just let the album play all the way through, and that boy fell right asleep.

It’s important for you to know that I live in a fantasy world—like I was saying, the whole essay kinda hinges on it.

This is just a small glimpse of my Final Fantasy.

II. Contextualizing Ivalice

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance opens to a schoolyard snowball fight which sets the stage for one of computer-gamedom’s most near-perfect tutorials—a microcosm of the entire game, really, explaining not only gameplay mechanics but also introducing the values, flaws, and motivations of the main characters, all while laying the groundwork for a simple yet engrossing drama that “really makes you think,” as they say.

(I’m going to use the rest of this chapter to cover the game’s characters, plot, and mechanics at a very high level. Feel free to skip along to Chapter 3 [especially if you’ve already played and beaten the game], keeping in mind that some of the later points in this essay hinge on knowing what I’m about to cover to some extent, so it’s not just me writing for the sake of it—though there is some of that. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make it as fun as possible so you don’t drift off.)

The scene fades in. The tutorial begins. The screen pans down to a scene that could be confused with our own world if not for the two-dimensional sprites that cause Ryoma Itoh’s deceptively cheerful cartoon aesthetic to leap from the pages of his artbook straight into the liquid-crystal display that’s blasting the player’s face with an epiphany of 16-bit color; the whole vibrant pixel presensation, combined with Hitoshi Sakimoto’s full-MIDI orchestrations, themselves all fuzzed up due to the Game Boy Advance’s limited 8-bit digital audio output, really brings the world of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance to life in a way that words can’t quite do justice: a red-brick schoolhouse with a green roof, a recess field blanketed in white, a shovel impaled in a mound of snow, a snowman with a green bucket for a hat, and some snow-packed walls for hiding; all indications point to this being a well-played field that has seen not only much adolescent action but also the adolescent angst that comes along with that, and the perpetrators of this angst are eight children standing wrapped in several layers of clothing; many of them nondescript, but a few stand out: Mewt, a boy with light-brown curls wearing earthy greens, is being picked on by a nondescript young kid: “Hey, Mewt. Where’s your little bear today?” A second anon chimes in, “He’s not going to say anything! He’s like a little girl!” And Mewt is just kinda standing there shoegazing, saying nothing, lost in dreams of Final Fantasy—(which is a series of video games in the world of this video game that you, the player, are actually playing, which is the first [and perhaps only] time Final Fantasy has been so self-referential [i.e., the game you are playing in the flesh exists within the game you are playing and the characters within that game are playing the same game you are playing within the game being played, &c. &c.], making Tactics Advance the most meta game in the Final Fantasy series, a point that will continue to be important throughout this essay)—and that’s when a firebrand of sorts named Ritz, a girl with hair as red as cartoon lava, steps forth to defend the shoegazer—“Hey! That’s gender discrimination! I know some ‘little girls’ who can kick your butt!”—before turning to the thus-far quiet blonde boy, inferred to be a friend of the shoegazer but just kinda standing there as if watching a car crash but not calling for any help whatsoever, and telling him, “You should speak up! Tell them your name, at least. You can’t be the ‘new kid’ forever!” And this prompts the player to input a name for the car-crash observer, whose official name is Marche, but the player can name him anything they want as long as it's within the ten-character limit. (And this is the most control the player has over Marche outside of simply doing the game-type things the developers intended the player to do, and since this is the only real so-called choice in the game [and, typically, the only choice in most JRPGs developed pre-2010], this means that naming Marche “ASS” or something equally immature is a perfectly valid form of play-how-you-want video game anti-determinism, as this is the only way to subtly alter the subtext of the game’s narrative, which one might want to do for reasons outlined later in this essay.) After the naming ritual, Mewt turns to Marche and meekly apologizes for getting him mixed up in all this schoolyard drama, but Marche replies, “You don’t have to apologize, Mewt. You haven’t done anything wrong.” And just like that, in a single less-than-two-minute scene, we understand the essence of the main characters: Mewt, the reserved shoegazer, lost in his own world; Ritz, the punky firebrand burning with contempt for societal norms, champion for the oppressed; and Marche, the opinionated bystander with a strong sense of right and wrong, willing to express his opinion but unwilling to back it up with action.

Shortly after the drama, the schoolyard is revealed to have been an isometric grid all along, and the snowball fight begins. The player is prompted to move Marche to a square on the field, much like a game of chess, thus tutorialing the act of movement; then, the player is prompted to throw a snowball at another character (called a “unit” in classic tactical role-playing game vernacular), teaching the methods of attack and the importance of positioning. After a few turns, one of the bullies throws a snowball packed with rocks at Mewt, causing the shoegazer’s head to bleed. Ritz comes forward to defend the boy, prompting one of the bullies to call her “whitey locks,” revealing that Ritz actually has white hair but dyes it red and is very self-conscious about this fact judging by her almost violent response: “Why don’t you come say that to my face?” The bullying persists, prompting a nearby teacher to halt the schoolyard game and reprimand the troublemakers, mirroring the judge mechanic introduced later in the game, in which breaking certain “battle laws” results in a fine or jail time for the offending unit. The bullies are taken away, and the snowball fight ends, leaving our main cast—Marche, Mewt, and Ritz—to their own devices.

Before they leave for the day, Mewt asks if Marche would like to come with him to the local library to pick up a book he ordered. Marche explains that he can’t, as he has to pick up his younger brother, Doned, from the hospital. Ritz asks if Doned is sick, and Marche reveals that his brother is afflicted by “something he was born with,” then invites everyone to come over to his house later so they can read Mewt’s new book together. They all agree. The screen fades out.

The vibrant colors of a child’s bedroom fade in. The main cast is huddled in the middle of the room, along with a new addition to the group, Doned, who is sitting in a wheelchair. Mewt pulls out the book he purchased earlier, a massive tome, and plops it down on the bright green carpet. Little do the kids know, the book is an ancient magical grimoire—the Gran Grimoire—and housed within its pages is a powerful wish-granter, a genie of sorts. When the book is opened, the genie’s magic is unleashed.

The genie hears the deepest wishes of all the children in the room: Mewt’s wish to see his mother again, to stop the bullies, to have a father that’s not a deadbeat alcoholic, and, most importantly, to live in the world of his favorite video game series, Final Fantasy; Ritz’s wish to live in a world free of gender discrimination, where she can be whoever or whatever she wants to be without fear of ridicule, and, most importantly, a world where she doesn't have to dye her hair red every day; Doned’s wish to not have monthly hospital visits, and, most importantly, to cast aside his wheelchair and be able to run alongside his brother on the playground; and Marche’s wish—revealed much later in the game—for attention, stemming from feeling overlooked by his parents, who focus more on his disabled brother than on him.

The Gran Grimoire delivers. That night, after all the kids are asleep, their world transforms into the fantastic world of Ivalice—a world of sword and sorcery, of magical beings of all shapes and sizes, of clear cut heroes and villains, where any illness is easily cured by the casting of a simple spell, a world in which a girl’s hair can be whatever color they want, a world in which all wishes are granted. And Mewt is prince of this new world, in charge of all the laws so that no one can bully him ever again; and his mother is alive; and his once-deadbeat father is now the highest judge in the realm. And Ritz is free to be whoever she wants; she becomes a feared but well-respected leader of a clan, and, most importantly, her hair is permanently red. And, of course, Doned can walk again.

But Marche isn’t having any of it.

“It's escapism! Can't you see? It's not healthy!” Marche says.

Marche wants to tear it all down—“It’s not real!”—and, as the game’s designated protagonist, he does tear it all down; that’s the win condition, the whole point of the game’s narrative. The details of Marche’s tearing-down of Ivalice are not so important; what is important, however, are the implications of this act: the implications of Marche putting his brother back in a wheelchair; the implications of Marche essentially killing Mewt’s mother a second time; the implications of forcing Ritz to live in a world of gender conformity and discrimination.

What I’m interested in are the personal and philosophical implications of tearing down Ivalice—the implications of facing reality instead of living in a fantasy world, or vice versa.

(Going forward, I will be referring to the original, Earth-like world as “the real world” [or some form of this] and the magical world simply as “Ivalice.” This is to avoid using clever compound adjective forms like “quote-unquote real world” or “so-called real world,” &c. It’s important to note that these verbiage choices do not reflect my opinion on which world is real and which is fantasy—this is only the same verbiage the game uses, so it’s just easier this way.)

III. Doned or: Final Fantasy Faith Fiasco

Let’s start with the most egregious implication: Marche paralyzing his brother from the waist down—again.

Marche, upon destroying Ivalice, sends his younger brother—who could run, jump, swim, and do all manner of frolicking in Ivalice—back into a wheelchair. Essentially, Marche just paralyzes Doned from the waist down—again—because his brother’s being-able-to-walk in Ivalice was “not real” and, thus, not worth preserving. (We are ignoring the elephant in the room for now—”what is real, actually?“—but don’t worry, we’ll get to that later.) According to Marche, Doned was living in a fantasy world and should, instead, just get used to being in a wheelchair for the rest of his life even if Doned doesn’t want to be in said wheelchair—which, he doesn’t, and he makes that very clear; he even spends the majority of the game sabotaging Marche’s efforts to destroy Ivalice all because he does not want to sit back down in that damn wheelchair.

“Of course you want to go back. You have a reason to! You can run around and play with your friends. But what's waiting for me? Have you thought of that? You have everything back there, and I have nothing!” — Doned

Granted, Doned is exaggerating a little bit there; and by the end of the game, Marche has convinced him to change his mind—“I'm sure you'll be able to run when we go back!” (Spoilers: this ends up not being the case)—coercing some form of consent to the whole put-me-back-in-the-wheelchair thing, but this consent is only valid if we ignore the power imbalance that arises from the big-brother-little-brother dynamic at play here, which we all know raises valid questions around said consent that we would be quick to call out in any other situation, such as if the two brothers attempted any other type of relationship later in life, if you know what I mean. (Not that I am condoning any sibling sexual relations here—I am simply bringing this up as something to consider when it comes to consent in the face of obvious power imbalances. And, if you’re unsure that there is indeed a power imbalance here, consider how any child looks up to their older sibling in both a role model and protector type way and how this idolization produces a level of fear—fear of rejection, mostly, but also that deep primal fear of “hey, they’re bigger than me and could just pound me into a pulp right now if they wanted to” type of thing—and how this overall idolization and fear might color the younger sibling’s decision-making process on any number of things. “But, author, aren’t there power imbalances in every relationship?” Well, yes, that’s true—but it’s a gradient, obviously, and this is probably something we should shelve for another essay because Final Fantasy Tactics Advance doesn’t even care about this discussion because it’s never explored in the game’s narrative—so, let’s move on.)

This is all good background information to have, but it isn’t really the point of the whole Doned-Marche thing; there’s no subtext about coercion or emotional manipulation or nuanced sibling dynamics within the narrative of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance itself. Main writers Kyoko Kitahara and Jun Akiyama—(also the “snowboard minigame planner” for Final Fantasy VII [which is a damn cool credit to have to your name])—wanted Doned’s story arc to be as simple as: a disabled child, bitter due to said disability, comes to grips with their disability and then goes on to lead a happy life. The problem here—ignoring the coercion aspect—is that Doned never really comes to grips with his condition at all; he blindly takes Marche’s word that he’ll be able to run again when he gets back to the real world. In short, Doned places his faith in both his big brother and the doctors, believing that one day they will find a cure for his illness, and this gives him the resolve to live in the real world again. He doesn't accept his condition, become one with it, learn to embrace it as something unique about himself—instead, he just sits back and puts his faith in Marche and some doctors. And, in this way, the subtext of Doned’s arc kinda falls flat—a Final Fantasy Faith Fiasco of sorts.

But what is faith, really?

Oxford’s Learner’s Dictionary—(I can’t use their big-boy dictionary without creating an account on their website, which, frankly, kinda pisses me off)—has two relevant definitions for “faith”; A) “trust that somebody/something will do what has been promised,” and B) “strong religious belief.” Now, let’s take a look at the first definition for “fantasy” in the same dictionary: “a pleasant situation that you imagine but that is unlikely to happen.” All things considered, it doesn’t take a huge leap of faith to conclude that faith and fantasy are not so different.

Doned is using Oxford definition-A faith to improve his outlook on a likely grim future stuck in a wheelchair. (Disclaimer: Use of the words “grim” and “stuck” and any henceforth words and/or phrases that seem to indicate some sort of anti-wheelchair sentiment on behalf of the author are actually being used empathetically on behalf of Doned, who does not want to be in the wheelchair—he hates the wheelchair. According to Doned, he is “stuck” in the wheelchair; hence why this chapter leans more toward anti-wheelchair sentiment than reverse. Assuming that this perceived anti-wheelchair sentiment reflects the author’s opinion on being in a wheelchair would be folly; the author [that being myself—not sure why I’m doing this in third person] does not have feelings one way or the other about being in a wheelchair. It appears to this author that being in a wheelchair kinda is what you make of it; meaning: if you don’t like being in the wheelchair, then being in the wheelchair is bad, but if you do like being in the wheelchair, for whatever reason, then it is good. [Note that the author also believes both “good” and “bad” are up to subjective interpretation, which may or may not muddy the waters even further here.] It follows that the author of this piece holds strong “life’s what you make it” sentiment and, beyond that, has no opinion on the wheelchair thing.) But, in truth, Doned has no way of knowing if he will ever get out of the wheelchair. Some might say that Doned is simply lying to himself; others might say that he’s living in a fantasy world; and, perhaps, Doned’s fantasy world is not so different from Ivalice. So, in a way, even when Marche destroys Ivalice—returning everyone back to the real world—Doned is still living in a fantasy world of faith.

But is living in a fantasy world so bad? Marche seems to think so—but I don’t.

We—i.e., you and I; i.e., human beings—have faith in all sorts of things that we don’t fully understand, and we use this faith to keep us sane, to shield us from the harsh truths of reality.

Let’s start with some Oxford definition-A faith examples, as these apply to most people. Like Doned, we have faith in doctors, even for simple procedures; we expect the doctors performing those procedures to actually know what they’re doing—yes, they have a diploma on the wall, but we also have faith that the diploma itself wasn’t simply printed from their home computer, or that the doctor didn’t cheat his way through medical school; and we assume that since the doctor is still practicing, they must be reliable on some level, as they haven’t had their license revoked or been thrown in jail for malpractice or whatever; yet most of us don’t even know how those processes work to begin with, which is yet another thing that we have faith in: the systems on the backend. We have faith in the vaccines injected into both ourselves and our children, despite not knowing the exact chemical makeup of what’s inside the syringes (and, yes, I’m aware that this is a weird, politically charged topic, and that many people don’t, in fact, have faith in these vaccines at all, but I guarantee you that all of those anti-vax people have faith in a number of other things that they don’t fully understand in the same way that they don’t fully understand the vaccines [and, importantly, this “we don’t know what’s in those damn vaccines!” justification is the most common reason cited for vaccine skepticism]; for example, these same people have no idea which chemicals are in the food they’re eating [and, to remain consistent, they would need to grow their own fruits and vegetables and raise their own livestock, then make sure that the fertilizer and food they’re using for those respective fruits/vegetables and livestock are fully understood at a chemical-composition level]; these same anti-vax people don’t know what’s in the toys they let their children chew on, or what’s actually in the cleaning products they use around the house, &c. &c.; in short, they trust a whole bunch of stuff that they don’t know the first thing about.) Moving on, we (back to you and I) have faith that our cars won’t just explode the moment we start the ignition (most of us having no knowledge of what the parts are made from or how they even work together, let alone if someone didn’t sneak a pipe bomb onto the bottom of the car while we were sleeping the night before). We have faith that, after we pay our bills, the stuff we’re paying for—electricity, water, internet, the works—will continue to work as advertised (otherwise, why would we pay?); we have faith that the money we use to pay those bills isn’t stolen or lost by the banks we keep that money in. I could keep going—but I think you get the point: we have faith in all sorts of things we don’t fully understand. Granted, we have good reason to have faith in some of these things, said reasons being a culmination of experience and feedback from friends, family, and qualified experts who have insisted that the stuff works as advertised, along with the fact that most of us have seen this stuff working for years, so we just kinda assume it’s all well and good, which has led us to have strong conviction in our faith that these things will just do what they are supposed to do. The Oxford definition-A faith point isn’t really all that profound—it’s just how it is: as humans, we operate under a certain level of faith that the stuff we use every day isn’t going to kill us; some of this faith is more backed by evidence than others. This faith keeps us trusting the perceivable world around us—stops us from going insane with endless questions of “Well, are you sure this works? Can you explain it in detail? Can I get a chemical composition chart on this? Can I have the full blueprints?” &c. &c.

Life would be very hard indeed if we didn’t have some degree of faith in the systems working all around us: healthcare systems, food regulators, utility infrastructure, waste management, law enforcement, etc. We have faith in these systems because, ultimately, we’re scared of dying, and these systems help us live longer, healthier, happier lives. And, yes, I know these systems aren’t perfect, and many need to be reformed, but it’s hard to deny their immediate benefit to overall well-being, which is why we maintain some degree of faith in them and why they continue to exist at all.

We place our faith in the backend systems as if to spit in the face of our own mortality—and, in this way, our faith is not so different from the faith of a religious zealot.

Which is a nice segue into Oxford definition-B faith; the religious faith. I’m sure I don’t need to list out every example of how this version of faith works, and that you—as a human on planet Earth—know damn well that people all over the world are worshiping all manner of gods and goddesses—the most popular (as of the writing of this essay) being those of the Abrahamic triad of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam—and that these religious people have all manner of reasons for believing in whichever god(s) they choose to believe in and that every single one of these reasons is entirely lacking in terms of real, tangible evidence. Some might say that these people are living in a fantasy world; a world in which, after they die, they are sent to some nice place that totally justifies all the suffering they experienced here on Earth, as if whatever god or gods they worship couldn’t just bypass the whole miserable process and put them straight in the good place to begin with—but for whatever reason, no, they have to tough it out here on this stopgap layer of torment before they are allowed into the heavenly kingdom. (I could go on and on about this, but I would be retreading old ground, considering that my views on this have not changed [see my essay titled “Fishing for God.”]) The point of this paragraph, however, is not to lambaste religious people—in fact, I totally understand the urge to believe in a higher power and a life after death, considering the vast suffering in the carnal animal kingdom of which we are a part of. And I know this kinda sounds condescending, like “Those dumb religious people are just making up stories to make themselves feel better!” But that’s not my intention either—although I do believe they’re making up stories, but I don’t see them as much different from any other story we tell ourselves to stave off despair. It seems to me that, as humans, we are deathly afraid of our mortality; we are deathly afraid of this life we're experiencing right now being all there is, that, after death, there’s really nothing else, and then, eventually, we are just forgotten. It seems to me that we are deathly afraid that, when Mom dies, we will truly never see her again; and, perhaps, all of us kinda instinctively know this is the case, but we don’t want to believe it; as such, religion is the ultimate panacea to these Transient Mortal Blues—and that’s OK, I think.

When it comes down to it, our default status condition as mortals is fear, and we use faith in the system and religion as a way to combat this fear. And while this faith may not be entirely evidence-based or realistic, it keeps us from drowning in despair; it keeps us from having a nervous breakdown; it keeps us motivated; and, most importantly, it keeps us alive. This faith is a fantasy, and this fantasy makes us happy; and, as long as we’re not hurting anyone, what right does Marche have to come along and tell us otherwise? Why should Marche get to trample all over the fantasies that we hold so dear?

By the time the end credits roll, Doned is back in the real world, in the hospital, still in his wheelchair. He seems happy in his newfound faith that one day he will be cured, and this makes life in the wheelchair bearable for him.

Doned has even made a new friend, and in this final scene, we see him teaching his new friend how to play Final Fantasy.

A fantasy within a fantasy.

IV. Ritz or: MEMES

“My hair is pure white. I was born that way. I had to dye it every morning … Before I learned how, my mom would do it for me … She looked like she would cry every time she took out the dye.” — Ritz

The kids at school would call Ritz Malheur “whitey-locks,” and, because of this, Ritz felt compelled to dye her hair bright red every morning. Not only that, but Ritz was interested in fantasy novels, video games, and all manner of rough, noisy activities generally associated with boyhood, and these tomboy leanings ensured endless bullying at school. However, unlike Mewt—who would retreat into himself—Ritz conformed to what she believed those around her wanted her to be; she dyed her hair red, wore dresses, and hid her boyish interests, all to fit the role society imposed upon her. She did this begrudgingly and with much angst. Ritz was like a chameleon (poorly) blending into her surroundings, only showing her true colors when alone or around people she could trust. This repression of self became a deep existential frustration that manifested as outbursts of rage directed at her fellow schoolmates. While this rage was sometimes useful—such as when it was used to protect other children, most of whom she deeply related to (Mewt being a prime example)—most of the time, it would just get her in trouble.

Little did Ritz know, she was (and still is) living in a consensus reality—a collective fantasy, a shared dream, a meme.

We are all just memes—stop laughing, it’s true.

“Girls wear dresses and read romance novels, boys wear baseball caps and play video games, &c.” is not necessarily a “meme” like Ronald McDonald driving down the highway with LOL INTERNET flashing on the screen, or ceiling cat, or those overly wholesome therefore absolutely sickening “Advice Animals,” or Pepe the Frog and his myriad racist offshoots, or Pam from the hit 2000s television show The Office looking at a picture of two very different things and saying “they’re the same picture,” or even the classic black Labrador Retriever answering the phone saying “HELLO? YES, THIS IS DOG.” (This dog meme is my personal favorite: in essence, it’s an absurdist meme—nearly postmodern, really—a precursor to actual nonsense memes like “skibidi toilet” [with Michael Bay in talks to direct the film adaptation of skibidi toilet, which may or may not just be part of the meme—who actually knows]. But, honestly, the dog-answering-the-phone meme is way deeper than modern absurdist memes, as it’s more a commentary on how we’re all animals and how—when you really get down to it—whether a dog’s answering the phone or a human, it really makes no difference: it’s all absurd all the way down; we used to write letters, send them off, wait months for a reply; and even that was weird; now we’re just picking up the phone, yelling at each other; talk is cheap; humans are tethered to their phone cords; no better than the charge of their phone’s battery; and the cord itself is tied in a hangman’s knot; it’s totally weird, it’s all gone way too far, sucking out our humanity through the earpiece, polluting our thoughts, and so on and so forth [at least, that’s what the dog meme makes me think about].) Back to the point, the shared-dream meme is not like those aforementioned internet memes—well, actually, now that I’m thinking about it real hard, they are exactly the same: both are cultural quirks transmitted through time and space, an infection of sorts, except the infection isn’t caused by microbes; it’s caused by ideas. And, importantly, while these memes may seem very concrete and hard-coded into reality, they are actually totally malleable. Just like “skibidi toilet”—“girls wear dresses, boys wear baseball caps, &c.” is not a real thing; it’s not floating around in the ether waiting for someone to pick it out of a primordial meme soup; instead, it’s just a stupid idea that caught on and persisted for decades because it provided some utility—or, in the case of “skibidi toilet” or whatever, it provided laughs. And if you’re not buying this whole meme thing yet, look no further than different cultures and their wildly different treatment of males versus females compared to any other culture—no two cultures are the same in their treatment of these memes, and while this difference in memes between cultures may be preferable to everything becoming homogenized, it also goes to show that these meme boxes are constructed from paper-thin walls that are easily destroyed and just as easily replaced with some other arbitrary thing that happens to catch on. The gendered concepts of “man” and “woman,” for example; this idea that men have short hair, kick balls around, play violent video games, never cry, watch shonen anime, wrestle, provide for the household, and so on and so forth; and likewise with women being associated with dresses, dolls, shojo anime, caretaking, farming simulators, wearing long nails and makeup, and all the other stereotypes that both you and I are very aware of; all of these memed-up standards are arbitrary and based on ancient superficial observations. Taking this anti-meme theory to its logical conclusion, even the very idea of a “man” being a human with a penis and facial hair and whatnots, or a “woman” being a person with a high-pitched voice capable of giving birth or whatever, is highly memed-up, as these gendered standards have been shaped by centuries of societal norms and observational interpretations; and while these observations may be based on physically tangible characteristics, the post-hoc categorization of them into little boxes with words is not; and all of this has evolved over time—this very evolution undermining the groundwork upon which these memes are built, as it illustrates that the memes are always changing in subtle ways. Another big problem with the memes is that things become very hazy when all the conditions to satisfy a certain meme are not met; take, for example, a quote-unquote woman, if one meme condition is missing—i.e., a woman who’s infertile, missing breasts, has more testosterone than estrogen, &c. &c.—is that woman suddenly no longer a woman? Are they some other meme entirely? Or is that person some kind of agender monster? Nay, the truth is that we’re all agender monsters because gender is a fantasy—a box we use to categorize certain people so that, ideally, we can make predictions about their behavior and act on those predictions accordingly; things get even more hazy when we consider technological advancements that essentially let someone fit any meme they want, provided they have the means to do so. It follows that many of our memes—especially our gendered memes—are outdated and, thus, society's insistence that they be maintained to the letter now does more harm than good.

Unfortunately, even if the memes themselves are not tangible, the actions people take based on these stupid memes are very real indeed—racial violence, gender discrimination, class-based oppression, &c.—but the ideas themselves are just ideas and malleable as such. Yet these memes influence us every day in very harmful ways. In fact, the whole thesis of this chapter is that these memes (especially gendered memes) are incredibly harmful and stupid and archaic and a bunch of other bad adjectives—and Ritz can easily testify to that.

Ritz, through no fault of her own, didn’t fit these gendered memes. She grew up in a society where girls were expected to dance and cheer, not play video games or kick balls around; a society where girls were expected to be timid and sweet, not independent and outspoken. She was bullied incessantly for not fitting the stereotypes of a quote-unquote girl—including having white hair, which was seen as a freakish deformity (another offshoot of cultural meme theory)—and, as such, repressed her true self and even dyed her hair to conform to the girl meme that society forced upon her. The problem didn’t lie with Ritz, however—it lay with society as a whole, which, through decades of meme cultivation, imposed a rigid social structure mostly based on immutable characteristics, ultimately otherizing her into submission.

What happened to Ritz was a grave injustice, and an unnecessary one at that; and this isn’t just happening to Ritz—it’s happening to people everywhere, every day, all the time. People are repressing their true selves over this. People are sick over this.

One could make the counterargument that these gender memes exist to better society in some way—but, honestly, in trying to steelman this position, I could not think of one thing. It seems to me that these cultural meme labels now only serve to confuse people into thinking there’s something wrong with them when they don’t check all the arbitrary meme-label checkboxes, leading to a lifetime of deep confusion and, ultimately, despair over the idea that they don’t fit a societally constructed label they’re told they should fit, which leads many to double-down on trying to conform to these meme labels to prevent ridicule and/or otherization, which only goes to strengthen the meme itself, thus perpetuating an endless meme cycle of confusion and despair—an ouroboros made entirely of pointless memes. Nearly every cultural meme label we give ourselves only seems to make it easier for someone else to decide who to hate and who to tolerate, and this applies across the board.

So, yeah, when Mewt opened that grimoire and Ivalice—a world in which Ritz’s hair was permanently red and the only meme that mattered was which job class one picked before kicking monster ass—became the new reality, you better believe Ritz didn’t want to go back to the real world where she couldn’t be her true self without the local kids pelting her with rock-filled snowballs because she didn’t fit into the little meme box that was imposed upon her by the bullies, who themselves had memes imposed upon them by their own parents, who (i.e., the parents of the bullies) also had memes imposed on them by their parents, who (the parents of the parents of the bullies) had memes imposed by their parents—which is now four generations of imposed memes—and so on and so forth; all without any of them truly realizing what was happening; which leaves one to conclude that, truly, these cultural memes do a real psychic number on us all. Even now, I—(yes, hello, it’s the author speaking directly to you from the em-dash-parenthetical statement of which I invented myself and that you have seen a few times now and probably thought “what is this person smoking, exactly? And how do I get some?” [essentially the em-dash-parenthetical is an aside-aside that kinda grammatically mirrors how my hyperactive mind works, but it’s also a middle finger to the whole system of Standard Written English and the snooty literati who unimaginatively back it without question])—take my earring out when going to see my great maternal grandmother because she just gets very uncomfortable and weird when so-called men wear earrings around her, which is an old cultural meme that has stuck with her since the 40s—(she’s, like, 102 now; so she would have been in her 20s in the 1940s, and, obviously—as of writing this—she’s still kicking, although she can’t remember much anymore, but she does get outside twice a day between her daytime soaps and plays bingo three nights a week, so, all things considered, she’s doing quite well for herself [but I do need to visit her more])—and, you know what, that’s OK; ancient cultural memes are hard to kill; in fact, you just kinda have to wait them out sometimes. (Not that I am “waiting out” my own great grandmother or anything—I wish only the best for her; however, her memes are stupid as hell.)

The point is: Ritz doesn’t want to go back to the real world. And throughout Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, she rages small battles against Marche’s clan, often competing for the same bounty marks, and while she’s not actively trying to thwart Marche at every turn—like Doned is—she does make it clear that she does not ever want to go back to the real world. But, as you know from reading this far, she doesn’t really have a choice in the matter and has to go back regardless, due to Marche making that decision for her.

The thing about Ritz, however, is that her time in Ivalice changes her. Through a partnership with an Ivalician local, Shara—a white-haired bunny person (the meme label here being “Viera” [race itself being just another meme])—who pushes Ritz to see things differently; Ritz goes through a series of introspective changes, essentially becoming aware of the cultural gendered memes that had been oppressing her back in the real world; and by the time Ivalice is destroyed, she has come to grips with her personal identity; she quits pretending to be the girl that everyone wants her to be, and she even quits dyeing her hair—wearing her white hair proudly at school the next day. By the end of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Ritz doesn’t care about the memes anymore.

“You'll be fine, Ritz. You're tough. I should know. And if you laugh, your mother will not be sad. I think it was you being sad that made her sad.” — Shara

There’s no doubt that Ritz likely faced some bullying for her newfound anti-meme ways upon returning to the real world, but, much like Ritz's mom, who would cry each time they washed out the red dye from Ritz’s snow-white hair, the tears weren't caused by the hair but rather how Ritz reacted to the whole hair meme itself. It was an empathetic exchange between mother and daughter. Ritz had adopted the meme that white hair on young girls was as abnormal as her quote-unquote tomboyish ways, and these memes internalized into a repressive sorrow that made her mother cry and made the bullies target her—since we all know that bullies feed on the charged feedback they receive from their victims. But once Ritz stopped caring about the memes, those around her stopped caring as well—the memes ceased to have any power over her.

In a way, Ritz was living in a shared dream, a fantasy world of memes created by those around her, a fantasy world of which she was feeding into by conforming, thus perpetuating a feedback loop of confusion and despair, and this fantasy world was destroying her psyche. So, instead of living in the collective’s fantasy world, she decided to create her own fantasy that didn’t conform to the gendered memes perpetuated by those around her.

At least, that’s what I took from the whole thing.

Ritz’s ending—specifically the implications of her growth—is one of the more poignant character endings of the game, revealing that, while cultural memes do impact us directly in many ways, we might be giving them too much power over ourselves, and this fear of ridicule over not satisfying every little condition for a particular cultural meme may be causing us to repress our true selves.

But forget about Ritz for a moment. I think what I’m ultimately trying to get at is that you and I are much more than socially constructed memes—we are fleshy, real people, and these memes are fucking with our heads, big time.

I don’t think I’m naive, and I know everyone who’s actually naive says they don’t think they’re naive—but what I mean is that I’m under no illusion that this essay will somehow abolish social memes such as gender, race, borders, religion, breakfast, money, &c. In fact, I’m under no illusion that we, as a species (another meme), will ever get over these stupid memes at all. And I’m not even saying that we should abandon these memes entirely; however, I am saying that I would like for others to consider that these memes are indeed socially constructed, and that we place way too much importance on them, and that this importance we place upon them causes great harm to those around us; therefore, we ought not to take these memes so seriously, lest our intention is to perpetuate harm (which I would hope it’s not). Let the so-called boys wear dresses; let the quote-unquote girls have facial hair; and let anyone identify as whatever they want to identify as, because, at the end of the day, who is actually being harmed? We have been so collectively mind-fucked by these memes that we are literally basing entire democratic elections on where people are allowed to go to the bathroom—it’s embarrassing. Perhaps, one day, when we realize that we’re all living beings instead of a collection of arbitrary traits packaged into some dumb meme box, we’ll stop shaming others for not fitting into these dumb meme boxes. Perhaps, one day, we’ll stop killing each other en masse for looking and/or thinking differently from one another, and thus, we can explore the world unfettered by the fear of death.

I am reminded of Corbel.

We all share one life: a life beyond gender, race, and even species—and that’s a meme I will back with my entire being.

To get back on topic, yes, it’s true that Marche forced Ritz out of Mewt’s Ivalice—but by the end of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Ritz didn’t need Mewt’s version of Ivalice because she had created her own Ivalice without all the stupid memes.

Ritz overcame the memes—why can’t everyone else?


Part 2


#ComputerGames #Ethics #Autobiographical #FinalFantasyTacticsAdvance

 
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from forrest

destination ivalice titlecard 2

Part 1 | Part 2


V. Re: Mewt & Me & Final Fantasy

I just realized that I had forgotten to mention the full contents of that tall black wooden cabinet to the right of my video game soundtracks that we had briefly covered back in ch. 1. (I feel that I must reiterate that the following list of games is not some sort of materialistic brag—I swear, there is a point to this whole thing that relates to the main theme of the essay; if you think this is some sort of masturbatory indulgence to convince you—the reader—that I am some sort of epic old-guard gamer, you would be wrong [seriously, that’s not what’s happening here]). There’s actually a lot of grade-A nostalgic childhood stuff that I feel you should know about in that cabinet. The cabinet itself is about 6 ft tall, separated into a top and bottom section as if a master swordsman had cut a perfect horizontal slice right through the middle of a trunk of wood without sundering it and then meticulously hollowed the inside into spacious squares with a small hand axe and then painted it all pitch. Each section is accessible through a panel that opens via an arched handle screwed in from the inside of the panel itself, and both top and bottom sections are divided into three subsections (or shelves); starting from the bottom-most shelf, a variety of Sega Genesis games that have all been touched by these same typing hands, just much younger, all obtained from my eighth to twelfth year on this planet: Ecco the Dolphin, Gunstar Heroes, Elemental Master, Phantasy Star 1 through 4, Street Fighter 2, Vectorman 2, Sonic 1 through 3 and Knuckles, Gaiares, Strider, and last but certainly not least, Altered Beast. (The Sega Genesis I played these games on has sadly been lost to time, although I still have the cords and controllers for it somewhere in my attic). On the shelf above the Sega shelf sits my collection of PlayStation games, all of which were obtained from around my thirteenth to sixteenth year on this planet (as you can tell, these shelves kinda materialistically trace my growing-up): Final Fantasy Anthology, Final Fantasy Chronicles (missing the Chrono Trigger disc, unfortunately [but—if you’ve been paying attention—I have a copy of this game on DS, so no big deal]), Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII (already mentioned, worth mentioning again just so you don’t forget), Final Fantasy IX (refer to the previous parenthetical), Chrono Cross (refer to previous parenthetical), Dragon Quest VII—(these are, as you can probably tell, not in any sort of logical order whatsoever)—Tales of Destiny 1 and 2, Chrono Cross (I have two copies for some reason), Grandia (never beaten this one), Breath of Fire III and IV, SaGa Frontier II (love this game, but also mentioned before), Ehrgeiz: God Bless the Ring (any self-proclaimed Final Fantasy VII fanatic should know about this one), and Phantasy Star Online. (Yes, I know that last one is a Dreamcast game, but it’s here in the cabinet regardless; it’s actually the only Dreamcast game I still have, as my old Dreamcast [& games] were lost in a move years ago.) And above the PlayStation shelf is a collection of old strategy guides that were obtained haphazardly throughout my youth: Dragon Quest VI: Realms of Revelation (this guide is thick, nearly 400 pages long, and somehow in near-mint condition), Phantasy Star Zero, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (also an incredibly thick guide [it came with a poster that has since been ripped out; teenage me not understanding that hanging posters on walls is a very temporary thing, more ephemeral than the guides themselves, considering that people move and things change and whatnot]), The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (much thinner than the aforementioned Zelda guide [and I actually got this one in my early-early twenties]), Metal Gear Solid 3 (and a separate art book that came with it [some pages are missing from this one, used as wall art for my old room at my mom’s old old house that she no longer lives in [foreclosed by the bank after she filed for Chapter 11—which is a whole other thing that we’re not going to get into here; but does go to show that those precious walls you put stuff all over are not permanent by any means]), and SaGa Frontier II (which was gifted to me by a friend of a friend who worked at Babbage’s [now GameStop] who, when I must have been twelve or so, came by with this huge box of strategy guides he was trying to get rid of [for whatever reason, I don’t know] and told me to pick two; I picked SaGa Frontier II and Valkyrie Profile [the latter of which has been lost to time] due to being impressed by the cover art alone—this was really my first time seeing non-Westernized video game artwork in close detail, thus kinda kicking off my whole obsession with Japanese role-playing games and anime). The top part of the cabinet is less interesting, containing miscellaneous stuff like headphones, sunglasses, air duster, and other tools and accessories that I use day to day; however, there is one interesting thing, a black cloth bag containing a handful of Game Boy Color and Game Boy Advance games, including but not limited to: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance (the very game this essay is supposedly about).

I must admit that, growing up, I would take Adderall (which was prescribed to me from the ages of 10 to 20 by a legitimate medical doctor [nothing illegal here]) and veg out in front of a television set drinking Diet Cherry Cola while eating saltines and playing all these aforementioned video games for over 15 hours a day (provided I didn't have to go to school, but if I did have to go to school then I would get home around 3 p.m. or so and play said video games until around 2 a.m. [sometimes even later—many all-nighters were had—considering I would often double up on Adderall, which wires you to the point of not being able to fall asleep if not also taking some other sleeping medication with it, which is actually a dangerous yin-yang upper-downer stimulant-depressant chemical combination that would not be advised by any medical doctor worth their amphetamine salts]). At this point you may be asking something like, “Where were your parents during all of this?” And my response to that would be that my parents were divorced, and I lived with my mother who, despite loving me very much to the point of absolute spoildom, did not helicopter me at all, not even one bit, to the point where I had near absolute freedom, which—as one might imagine—led me to neglect schoolwork completely in favor of playing video games (and other various downstream negative stuff that we won’t get into here, for the sake of time).

As to why I was so deep into video games: I can only speculate. Maybe it was an escape from the tedium of school, which I found incredibly unchallenging, or perhaps I was attempting to outrun the ambient sorrow and pervasive loneliness that was always kinda there in the background ever since my parents divorced—who actually knows. Maybe I was scared; maybe life was too intimidating for me; maybe I recognized the rat race of it all from a young age; maybe I had to block it out; maybe I was trying to forget about the inevitable; maybe I wanted to forget about Corbel; or maybe I was just lazy; I don’t know. What I do know, however, is that I was obsessed with video games, and Final Fantasy was my favorite video game series—just like Mewt—and I would lose myself in those games, every day, from sunrise to sunset; even in school I would be drawing pictures of Final Fantasy characters, writing fanfiction about Final Fantasy characters, reading Final Fantasy strategy guides that I had smuggled in from home, &c. &c. I can’t tell you exactly why I was so obsessed. I was running from something, though. I was filling a void with Final Fantasy. I loved Final Fantasy more than life itself.

I loved Final Fantasy about as much as Mewt did—still do, really. Our destinations were always Ivalice. Losing ourselves in fantasy worlds was the goal, whether we were consciously aware of it or not.

In many ways, I was just like Mewt: totally lost in a fantasy world, to the point where I was not thinking about anything else at all. We both used fantasy to fill the void in our souls. We did so without a single care for our own mental health or for the people around us; in fact, we sucked everyone else in, too—forced them into our little misery nexus.

For me, it was my parents who, after a while, became extremely concerned for my health—anorexic from the amphetamines, my disposition always sour, my grades abysmal, and we had parent-teacher conferences every other week—and I didn’t care; as long as I could play Final Fantasy, I didn’t care. My escapism wasn’t only affecting me; it was affecting everyone around me.

For Mewt, it was his friends and family who were affected. Because of his sorrow over his dead mother and his terrible treatment at school, he sucked everyone into his fantasy vortex where everything was perfect—for him—whether the others liked it or not, and he refused to let them leave. His escapism wasn’t only affecting him; it was affecting everyone around him in a very direct way.

And Marche was right—it wasn’t healthy.

VI. Conclusion or: Beware the Ides of Marche

I could have ended the essay right there with the last sentence, but the whole concept of escapism is far more nuanced than just “it’s not healthy!” In fact, Marche’s whole worldview is harmful overall—he’s just situationally correct in my previously covered teenage amphetamine saga and in the very specific circumstances presented in the game of which he is insisted to be the protagonist (go figure).

Yet, typically, by the end of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, players are left with the strong feeling that they were actually playing as the villain the whole time; and this is a hard feeling to shake, as evidenced by even the simplest of internet searches:

“Is Marche a Huge Dick?” “Final Fantasy Tactics Advance: 5 Reasons Marche Is the Real Villain” “Evil Marche Theory” “Think Stalin Was Bad? Meet Marche from FFTA.” “Want to Play an Evil Villain in a FF Game? Play FFTA!” “Marche Is Worse Than Kefka” “Twist Ending Should Have Been Mewt Kills Marche and Drinks His Blood.”

So, the question becomes: is Marche actually the bad guy? And in this final chapter, I will attempt to answer this burning question, which has inspired many a Final Fantasy fansite forum debate, once and for all.

Marche is kinda like your stereotypical conservative father (pardon the memes), criticizing or destroying anything he views as a distraction from the quote-unquote real world. He’s the type that would tell his crying child to “shut up,” then later apologize because he feels bad but still sneaks in a “but you really should man up” somewhere in the apology. (Having children myself, I can attest that the urge to tell your crying child to “shut up!” is kinda always there—not because you want to impart some sort of “man up” lesson onto them, but because the sound of crying is annoyingly polluting your airspace and/or disrupting your concentration on whatever you happen to be doing at the time. Therefore, the “look, son, I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I just want you to be able to handle these things like an adult” justification is usually just post-hoc self-serving bullshit to resolve the parent’s own cognitive dissonance over the contradictory feelings of simultaneously loving your child yet wanting them to shut the hell up sometimes. The same goes for spanking, which is always just the parent letting out pent-up anger accumulated from the everyday stresses of life, but is always spun as some sort of tried-and-tested fear-based disciplinary tool that just ends up making your children see you as some sort of inhuman monster lumbering around the house waiting to dole out pain.) As such, Marche views Mewt’s Ivalice as an escape from problems that need to be faced head-on, as if the reality of someone’s mother dying is something that one can just “get over” without any sort of coping mechanism. Essentially, Marche wants Mewt to “man up.” (Again, pardon the gendered language; I am not above the meme mind pollution, which is likely why I can’t think of a better way to phrase this.) It follows that, in Marche’s view, he is giving Mewt a spanking to “whip his ass into shape,” or so they say. And since a broken clock is right at least twice a day—or so they say again—Marche’s conservatism just happens to be right in this specific scenario because, unfortunately, Mewt is forcing everyone around him to stay in Ivalice against their will. If Mewt had just gone to Ivalice by himself, leaving everyone else out of his fantasy, then this would be a whole different essay; after all, Mewt is entitled to do whatever he pleases, as long as he’s not hurting anyone else; but since Mewt forced everyone to stay in Ivalice against their will, he is therefore encroaching on the freedoms of others and is therefore in the wrong, and thus Marche is in the right for destroying Ivalice in this specific scenario (i.e., Marche is not the villain of the game; the villain is actually the wish genie that’s revealed at the very end of the game, which kinda trivializes the entire ethical quandary that the game’s narrative builds up over 70 hours of play [which is a common Final Fantasy trope, something I’ve coined “The Necron Paradigm” after a particularly egregious example of this trope from Final Fantasy IX], which is something I don’t want to get into right now).

But all of this is an easy answer; the real problem is that Final Fantasy Tactics Advance’s narrative isn’t so concerned with the whole “Mewt is forcing everyone to stay in Ivalice” angle; instead, it focuses on criticizing escapism in general, which ends up leaving the player feeling really fucking weird, as if they had just snatched a child’s favorite toy and broken it right in front of them, then laughed and spat on their dead mom’s grave.

“It’s not real . . . It’s escapism . . . It’s not healthy!”

The whole narrative of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is tinged with this conservative-leaning subtext that video games themselves are an escape from reality (considering that the world of Ivalice is from a video game called Final Fantasy within the game’s actual universe [i.e., the whole meta thing we went over in ch. 2]), which is nearly paradoxical because, as we both know, Final Fantasy Tactics Advance itself is a video game. The game makes you—the player—feel like Mewt while at the same time heavily criticizing Mewt; therefore, you feel as if you are being heavily criticized yourself. It’s a very weird thing. It’s as if the game itself doesn’t want you playing it, and if you choose to keep playing it, then you’re some sort of loser (i.e., Mewt) who is ignoring the so-called real world, thus wasting precious time that could be spent on other, more quote-unquote productive things.

Other games, like Metal Gear Solid 2, may tell the player to “turn the game off” in this sort of postmodern, funny way, but none that I have played—outside of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, of course—has ever criticized the player so heavily for simply playing it. And considering some of the grindy end-game elements, the game itself starts to feel as if it’s designed to keep you playing while at the same time making you feel bad for playing it, which, as you can imagine, creates a sort of cognitive dissonance that swirls into this existential what-am-I-doing-with-my-life nexus of dread, which, as far as I know, is totally unique to Final Fantasy Tactics Advance.

So, yeah, if you want to play a game that makes you feel like shit sometimes, then Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is the game for you. (I’m now realizing that some of my essays also serve this same make-you-feel-like-shit function; but, spoilers: this essay has a nice ending [at least, I'd like to think so].)

Here's the important part: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is wrong—escapism is healthy.

The point I wanted to illustrate with the previous chapters was that all of us—yes, even you, dear reader—are trying to escape from something, whether you realize it or not; from the video games we play to the books we read, and to the little lies we tell ourselves in order to trust the world around us (refer to ch. 3), and the labels that we pretend bestow some grand meaning or uniqueness upon us (refer to ch. 4), to watching television, to obsessively hoarding old plastic because it reminds us of the good ol’ times (see ch. 1 & 5), to going out for a drink with the gang after a long day’s work at the construction site, to having a glass of wine alone after a long meaningless workday sending emails and editing spreadsheets, to watching the Georgia–Florida game whilst barehanding a 13.5-oz. bag of Cheetos® Flamin’ Hot Puffs™, to taking ecstasy and vibing out to Primal Scream’s Screamadelica in a dive club then going back to some shady hotel room with a person you barely know—(OK, this one might not be that healthy)—to building model robots, to writing long essays about video games, to playing sports, to literally anything else that isn’t simply working for rent money or eating stuff to survive or whatever: We are always escaping something, be it the tedium of work, the responsibility of family, the cosmic boredom that is always festering away in the background of everyday life, the pain that you feel simply from existing in this world full of profound suffering, or the fear of death—oh yes, especially the fear of death.

If we are not directly fighting against death, we are trying our damnedest to forget that it even exists. (“Exists” being a slightly paradoxical way to describe “death,” but I think you know what I mean. Note that I also considered the following phrasings: “. . . that it even happens” and “. . . that it’s even a thing”; the former being the most technically correct, but I decided that “exists” flows better when said aloud, so I went with “exists” and just wrote this lengthy parenthetical to cover my ass instead.)

Consider the evolution of society from tribes into chiefdoms, into little cities, into big cities, into states, and then into complex civilizations—all because it gave us a better chance to survive the harsh reality we inhabit wherein microbes cause our skin to bubble up and burst, and lions and dingoes eat our children, and other people will kill us at the first opportunity if they’re desperate enough; even the development of air conditioning, the plow, irrigation, sewerage, complex systems of law, the hut, the house, clothes, surveillance systems, prisons, whatever—it’s all a practical form of escape; an escape from the inevitable fate to which we all are subject to: DEATH. It seems to me that one of the main reasons we even have children (on purpose) is so that we can live on beyond our own deaths using some sort of biological loophole that only ends up self-perpetuating this fear of death by producing more people who are afraid of death who then go on to create even more people who are afraid of death &c. &c.—it’s really all quite diabolical when you start to think about it.

So, let’s not think about it.

Let’s play a video game or read a book or write an essay or do anything else rather than think about This Dreadful Shit. Really—what’s the point of dwelling on suffering and death when we could be doing anything else? We need fantasy. We need an escape from the hard-coded fact of death. (The word “Fact” is a bit of a weird choice here, but I am sparing you the anti-realism philosophical solipsism for now; instead, I am assuming that you, reader, live in the same general reality and experience the same general-type things as I do, death being one of those same general-type things; and yes, I am aware we could be brains in a vat or some sort of computer program or part of some giant whale’s dream [and I assure you that I’ve thought about these things at length—mostly when I was a teenager after smoking some strong weed or eating mushrooms—and have concluded that they’re all pointless word games and/or wastes of time that only serve to foster a malaise of inaction in response to the numerous plights of all creatures]; so, for now, let’s just table the whole whale-dream thing for another essay [or never] and, instead, operate under the assumption that we’re both living, breathing creatures that feel pain and/or bleed when we’re cut. [i.e., Re: “what is real, actually?” from ch. 3].)

Basically, what I’m trying to say is: Humans need fantasy to cope with reality. Escapism ensures we don’t succumb to the existential dread of being alive. And while we may end up in the grave—our destinations have always been Ivalice.

Yes, Marche was correct in Mewt’s specific instance. Just like, say, if I spent all day playing my video games instead of working, thereby not being able to pay for my home, thus becoming homeless, or if I spent all day writing instead of feeding my children, thereby them becoming little withered husks huddled all fetal in the corner of the room of which I may or may not have locked them inside in this specific hypothetical scenario; in both cases, my escapism is harming those around me—that’s true. But—(and I apologize if this comes off as a cop-out answer to the whole escapism problem presented in this essay)—it’s ultimately all about moderation; if one can get away with playing video games all day without harming others, or themselves, or whatever they care about, then they should play video games all day if that’s what they want to do. At that point, who cares? It’s that simple.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance may make you feel like playing video games is a waste of time, as if you could be out there working an extra job or getting a PhD or whatever instead (keeping in mind that there is no “ceiling” to this rat-race mentality, thus making the whole “productivity” nexus an endless pursuit in which you will likely never be satisfied with simply being alive because there is always something “more productive” you could be doing, which, to me, seems like a depressing and, frankly, suicidal way of living life). But Final Fantasy Tactics Advance does not have any right to make you feel as if you are wasting your time—you are the only person (or thing) that has the right to decide if you are wasting your time or not. That’s it. That’s the conclusion. It’s not profound or even that deep.

The way I see it is that there may be times when you’re sitting there alone playing Final Fantasy or watching television or reading a novel or whatever, and you may think to yourself something like, “wow, I am wasting my time; I should be doing literally anything else that’s more productive than this,” and in that scenario, you would be correct; but there may be other times when you’re sitting there alone playing Final Fantasy or watching television or reading a novel or whatever, and you may think to yourself something like, “this is the most fun I've ever had or ever will have in my entire life, and I want nothing more than to just be sitting here doing this thing forever because this makes me incredibly happy,” and in that situation, you would be correct too, because the truth is that these things are not so simple—the truth is that we contain multitudes.

Go find your Ivalice.


Return to Part 1

If this essay made you feel something, please let me know via email at f0rrest@protonmail.com.


#ComputerGames #Ethics #Autobiographical #FinalFantasyTacticsAdvance

 
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from Sodium Reactor

Watching a friend or coworker out themselves as a Republican voter is jarring and upsetting and alarming: somewhere between watching a man open his trench coat to reveal a bomb strapped to his chest, and watching a man open his trench coat to reveal his naked body beneath.

(There is no good ending when a dude opens his trench coat in broad daylight. There is no good surprise waiting when a coworker says that he's “concerned about all this 'woke' nowadays.”)

I liked Twitter. I've moved to Mastodon and Bluesky where it's uncool to say so but fuck it: Twitter was fun as fuck. I liked the algorithm and the shared jokes and content. I miss the virality and the idea of a “person of the day” when some post or quote or trend blew up. I miss those volatile interactions between wildly different communities.

I miss Black Twitter. I miss Kente cloth hats and red eyes and Dr. Umar clips and how everyone agrees that Piccolo is black. I miss “Damn Bitch, You Live Like This?” and “Supa Hot Fire” and “When do we get our superpowers?”

It's a whole thing.

I don't miss the big numbers or celebs or The Breakfast Club. Fuck all that. I miss the “this you?“s and the funny accounts i used to follow. I miss baddies posting thirst traps and Black artists putting their spin on characters that feel culturally, if not visibly, relatable.

I miss not wondering if I was seeing 20% of a post's comments or 100%.

I miss how vibrant that platform was and all the interests I could jump into and the breadth and depth of those adjacent pools. I miss that Twitter was fun and I felt comfy there riiiiight up until I didn't

I like how the Mastodon app feels and works, but that doesn't keep me from holding a place in my heart for the Twitter that now only exists in my memories.

I like who and what's on Bluesky, but that doesn't keep me from imagining a site that doesn't require 4 clicks to mute someone.

It's entirely possible that I trend towards dissatisfaction and will never stop pining for what I no longer have or what I haven't had yet. I'm ok with that. I'll accept the repercussions of my honesty too. Twitter felt cultural in a way that nothing else did. It was fun and now that's all over.

You ain't gotta be dead for me to miss who you were to me.

It Do Be Facts Tho

 
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from Lucifer Orbis

I am exhausted. It's a good kind of exhaustion, but still, I need naps. I've been able to juggle my job, drawing, reading, writing, playing video games and watching silly horror flicks. After all, it's October and I need inspiration to keep going after the cold and darkness sets in for good. Winter is coming, right? Last Winter, we had a lot of snow. Our little neighbourhood looked like a cosy postcard people used to send to their families during Christmas. Do people still do that? Things at work have been fine despite the fact that sometimes what I really, really need is silence. I've seen that silence these days can enter the realm of luxuries. Not everyone has access to it, not everyone can enjoy its all encompassing bliss, it's the realm of the privileged.

Silence, silence, silence. I need it so my soul can sing.

Maybe it's the reason why I sleep so little. I enjoy the early hours of the night to stay in absolute silence. During this time I get inspired to write or draw while processing the many thoughts flowing in waves through my head. Sometimes I get desperate! I need to do everything all at once and can't seem to find rest. At least, I don't have neighbours digging their heels on the upper floor, children practising the piano right above my bedroom. Beats all the neighbours I had before, though. These don't make free use of an hi-fi system or play video games at maximum volume during the night. I am very lucky and enjoy their presence even when we don't interact.

Following my last post, I wrote some ramblings in my journal about a somewhat new translation of Teresa's biography. I'd like to transcribe it here, but first I need to understand my own handwriting and second I need to edit a fair amount. So, I think the idea will stay inside the drawer alongside my journal. Writing about Teresa's works and ideas wasn't easy and I assume that when I start seeing what I wrote here, I'll probably bin the whole thing. The gist of the text is translation for authenticity vs. translation as experience. At first, I didn't understand the whole purpose of changing so many things in the original text “for a modern audience”. I also shouldn't fall into traditional bigotry over religious texts. It's exhausting and useless. I just got slightly annoyed because one part of me thinks the original text and respective direct translation (as far as possible) is the right thing to do, whereas the other part felt the new translation is the right way to take it in. Therefore, if you want to read the original text, as written, in all its authenticity and sweet imperfection, all well and good. If you choose instead to read something that is truly transformative, then the new translation is the way to go. Why, though, can't the old one be both? Well, it can. I’ve experienced it both ways and the conclusion I reached is, in order to grasp the old (original) discourse, the one thing we have to put in is work – a lot of it. And it's this work and effort that I miss when I’m reading the new translation. I must be very clear that this translation couldn't be more beautiful and rich – it’s the one I have in physical format – but it just did all the work for me.

In the end, I rambled intensely about this in my journal. I had to cross-reference some sources. I was comparing translations all the while reading about traditions on literature produced by women in the Late Middle Ages. It was over 4am, fortunately on a Friday. My brain was on fire. Then, not on the same day, I wrote about my progress with a book called The Mirror of Simple Souls, written by Margaret Porette. It's not an easy read, but the translation I got, from the University of Notre Dame Press, comes with a f a n t a s t i c introductory essay. Ah, joy! I'll transcribe what I've written here if the inspiration strikes again as I still have to finish the book and read another one about the Latin translation. What drives me to the Mirror is pure curiosity and it's a brilliant piece of spiritual literature from the Middle Ages. The essay focuses on what we know about the life of Margaret before being taken by the Inquisition, as well as theological themes, literary style and tradition, reception, custodial history and translation. A treasure, is what it is.

I finished reading River Kings – The Vikings from Scandinavia to the Silk Roads by Cat Jarman. Wonderful read about the exploits of the Viking Army and viking presence in Central and Eastern Europe, and then further East. I got a deeper look into their society, belief system, military operations, trade, expansion and connection with Constantinople. The book was recommended by someone who knows about my peculiar taste for badass saints and it presented me with a couple of pages about Olga of Kyiv, the scourge of the Drevlians. I wondered if she was the patron saint of widows, and that she is! It was a great way to finish the last chapters at the prow of trade currents possibly reaching Baghdad and further beyond, maybe.

After finishing this month’s Inktober event, I’ll be dedicating more time to Trails from Zero on Nintendo Switch and will hopefully write a few words about it on my blog. There’s a website that runs prompts like Inktober, except it’s year-round. In order to make some effort on that front I could challenge myself to create at least four or five drawings per month, just to train the line and eventually develop my skills. I like to draw on prompt; it’s easier to come up with something almost immediately, without having to waste a long time staring at a blank page. A prompt can either summon something of a creative nature or purely descriptive. I’m satisfied with whatever comes to mind. Time is something I don’t have when I feel that I already have so much going on. And time with silence, lesser still.

 
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from Crapknocker

A few times, I’ve had really great or interesting runs in FrogComPosBand, so if you’ll bear with me, I’ll reminisce about them a bit here.

Angel runs

Angels have a ton of advantages compared to other monster classes. They have all the normal human item slots, they get basic resistances as they level up and they get a bunch of useful spells without having to tote around any books. The only downside is the huge experience penalty, it takes them forever to level up. They have to grind grind grind to get anywhere, but once they get there they can usually kick ass.

I’ve done a ton of angel runs. Usually they end up the same way as most of my decent runs: dead around level 30 after I try to fly too close to the sun and get burned. The one I most vividly remember was popping around the lower levels of Angband when they encountered the legendary Metal Babble. This is one of those enemies from other videogames, this time the Dragon Quest series. In those games, this enemy is nearly unhittable but gives a ton of experience and items if you do manage to vanquish them. In Frog, it has its own aura of darkness and fires high-level spells with a ridiculously high speed. It took me a few rounds to figure out why my health was dropping considerably until I noticed the little guy teleporting about. Since I was low on health, I used the Globe of Invulnerability spell to keep myself safe from almost all attacks. I say almost because it was that day that I found out that the Psycho Spear spell is one of the few, if not only, spells that go through the globe of invulnerability.

Sometimes that’s how your knowledge of the game grows, through the blood of your previous characters.

Dragon runs

Dragon monsters are really fun to play as, but have a few quirks that make them stand apart. First is the equipment slots. Most of their resistances have to come from rings, as they only have amulet, light, cloak and helmet slots apart from their six rings they can wear. They also have the breath weapon you would expect as well as pretty good claw and bite melee attacks. They get to specialize in a particular domain later on, which gives you some flexibility in how you want to dragon.

Breath specialization gives you powers and shapes for your breath weapon. Armor gives you an AC boost and occasionally reflection. Attack ups your melee and gives you some related buffs. Craft gives you powers related to making and dealing with weapons, Lore gives you identification and detection powers. Domination gives you summoning powers. There are also a few realms restricted to certain types of dragon, namely Death and Crusade. Only Death dragons can choose the Death realm, which gives you some summoning and nether-firing options. Law dragons can use Crusade, which gives some light healing among other powers, similar to the magic realm.

My most memorable run was with a steel dragon, which doesn’t have a breath weapon but does have incredible AC and slightly better melee than your standard dragon. I somehow managed to drag this guy to the higher levels in the game, as his melee kept being awesome despite lacking any distance attack. Also, the high AC helps slightly lower the damage you’re taking in melee, which is where you’re strongest. If I slapped on a few rings of protection with AC bonuses, I became very hard to hit. 250+ AC!

But like so many of my characters, I think I got double-breathed on by big dragons. And no matter what your resistances or AC are like, you push your luck too many times and eventually you’ll lose.

Filthy rag runs

As I’ve said before, I love running Filthy rag monsters. For a long time, I tried to get one with the Lucky personality off the ground, thinking that the luck would help offset the need to dive deeper before certain resists showed up on dropped armors. Turns out, the class is very weak in the beginning, somewhat weak in the midgame and stronger in the end. Having the Lucky personality’s -2 to all stats makes the early game that much more difficult.

Filthy rags are a patient player’s game. You need to get resistances, but to get them you need to go deeper but the puny offense of the class means that you have a hard time killing monsters. Not to say that it’s impossible, there are several Lucky rags on the Angband ladder, but you have to grind, grind, grind and hope you get lucky with your drops.

The big bottleneck for these guys is Confusion resistance, at least when I play them. Base resistances show up fairly early on and you can get them here and there without too much trouble, but getting that first bit of confusion is much more difficult. You’ll probably be wanting it about halfway through the Hideout dungeon, thanks to the good ‘ol Variant Maintainer unique that shows up there. But the only armors that even have the potential to drop with that resistance are ego armors ‘of the imp’ that might randomly get a single high resist. So not only do you have to get lucky and have an enemy drop one of these, which is difficult in itself, but then it has to roll confusion resistance out of all the possible high resistances, which is also rather unlikely. And because of how the filthy rags acquire resistances, you have to do this three times or possibly more. Remember, rags can’t wear rings or jewelry and gloves or boots that have confusion resistance only start dropping in much much lower depths. Good luck!

Same goes for gloves with bonuses to hit and damage. These also drop very rarely at the early levels and are your main source for increasing melee damage. And as you can’t equip a shooting weapon, your only other option are wands and rods which rags aren’t the best at. You can eventually find body armor and occasionally some boots with hit and damage boosts, but these are rare even at the deepest depths. Again, good luck.

So you have to grind to get exp to level up, which increases your life and melee damage. But you can’t dive too deeply since you don’t have the damage output to keep up. You could try and stairscum on high-level dungeons to maybe get some items just lying around, but this is even riskier.

I will say, I haven’t ever really gotten over this hump in my playthroughs. I once got a Lucky rag to level 30, but that was as far as he got as he (it?) was still missing tons of resists and had puny damage. One day I’ll roll that boulder up the hill, though, and it will stay at the top.

#FrogComPosBand

 
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from Sodium Reactor

Is it weird that i can feel it? Like, really feel it. it's late. I've seen this time before. I know what time it is. I know exactly what time it is.

This is when 15 year old Salt put his legs in the unheated pool in the Los Angeles winter and just waited for God to see him (suffer) and

This is when 17 year old Salt gripped his chest and fell to his knees and moaned and prayed and

This is when 19 year old Salt poured his very soul onto papers and screens to tell you and everyone else about the yawning black hole tearing a hole in his chest and eating every feeling inside him until all that was left was desolate empty antipathy churning and sloshing and seething and pulsing and

This is when 21 year old Salt jogged and ran down the campus quad and up the steps and sat and yelled at God when he was certain his poems wouldn't amount to anything and anyways it was no good and no use and

This is when 23 year old Salt sat and sank into his bottles when he realized God wasn't going to yell back at him and even if he did would he even hear Him because he hadn't in so long and

This is when 27 year old Salt watched his wife sleep peacefully and wished he could do something about the 12 year torment keeping him awake at the witching hour and he wanted the quiet around him to quell the loud loud loud loud inside him and

This is when 31 year old Salt takes a shower, drinks water, and lays down, certain that he and his aches and his ADHD are beheld by a caring God and that his struggle has meaning and that it will neither consume him nor define him and that he has work in the morning and that his emotional dysfunction will be overcome by medication and sleep

I know this time very well. And it too will pass.

 
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from Lucifer Orbis

I’m not a practising Catholic but there’s aspects of Christian spirituality that I still feel somewhat drawn to. I don’t know if it’s like this or the other way around, but I usually am very critical of my beliefs. Faith and belief are two different things, but let's not go there. The only thing I know is that I’m definitely not an atheist, however it’s with atheists that I often talk about such things. I enjoy the pragmatism, the critical thinking, the freedom and the sense of humour that comes in conversation. But sometimes it's not enough and that’s why I read historical writings about the spiritual life of religious people. Some of these people were canonised and others were tragically condemned by the Inquisition. Both are equally valid to me if I happen to find inspiration in their writings.

The 15th October is the celebration day of St. Teresa of Ávila. She died exactly at the transition from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar, so either the 4th of October or the 15th of October 1582. It was, in any case, established the 15th of October as her celebration day. I’m writing this text mostly from memory and it’s possible that I’m not correctly getting some facts about her life, but that’s not the point. I'd like to praise her as a very important presence in my spiritual thinking. Even when I wasn't listening, I think her soul (or the Spirit dwelling within her) was somewhat passing through me, either as a warm and kind companion or blowing straight into my face. That came, however, a bit later.

Everyone from my Art History class knew about the seminal Bernini sculpture, a beautiful composition of two figures. One is an angel wearing a smile and holding a spear pointed towards a woman leaning against a rock, head bent backwards, eyes closed, lips slightly apart. The angel gracefully grabs the woman's vest, draped in such a way resembling the wild flames of desire. The altarpiece is a moving picture in itself; his eyes focused on her face, his spear pointed straight to her heart. Appropriately called “The Ecstasy of St. Teresa,” it decorates the church of Santa Maria della Vittoria in Rome. The sculpture created by Gian Lorenzo Bernini was commissioned by the Venetian Cardinal Federico Cornaro for his own final resting place in the church. The work was completed around 1652.

Pope Gregory XV canonised St. Teresa in 1622, not long before the commission. It was only in 1970, however, that St. Teresa was declared a Doctor of the Church (DoC), the first woman to get the recognition, by Pope St. Paul VI. There are thousands of saints in the Catholic Church, thousands upon thousands, but only 36 are DoC. From these 36 only 4 are women: Teresa of Ávila, Catherine of Siena, Therese of Lisieux and the almighty Hildegard of Bingen.

At the time, when we saw Bernini's sculpture in our baroque art classes, we didn't know any of this, nor who the woman was. She was just another saint, and in our Catholic country, we knew there were many to speak of, almost all nuns and monks, and we wanted to go to the smoking room and there was still an hour left of class. Yes, I smoked at the time. For some reason my asthma wasn't so predominantly present in my life and smoking a cigarette after class was part of our little rituals. And, of course, an espresso taken from a real espresso machine!

We were observing the sculpture projected on the screen and wondering, “Is this like... religious?” And the teacher explained that the reception was a bit controversial and the reason why was blatantly obvious: to our younger minds (and to the minds of the older men who criticised it) it looked like the woman was having something closer to a sexual climax. It could have been a naughty artistic choice to imbue the sculptural elements with expressive theatrical features or it could have simply been what the artist envisioned when consulting Teresa's writings where she described her rapture in detail. The artist filled in the blanks and came up with what we, in the class, felt was a masterpiece. No matter what crossed our minds at the time, if the café was still open or if we had to smoke outside, the altarpiece made an impression on the younger me.

Only years later would I sit comfortably and read the story of Teresa’s life, written in her own words. By that time I had already forgotten about the sculpture and when I reached the part where she described her “visions” it wasn’t what Bernini created that I imagined, but it was likewise much closer than I thought, except a bit bloodier:

It was our Lord’s will that in this vision I should see the angel in this wise. He was not large, but small of stature, and most beautiful – his face burning, as if he were one of the highest angels, who seem to be all on fire: they must be those whom we call cherubim. Their names they never tell me; but I see very well that there is in heaven so great a difference between one angel and another, and between these and the others, that I cannot explain it. I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the iron’s point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with great love of God. The pain was so great that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain that I could not wish to get rid of it. The soul is satisfied now with nothing less than God. The pain is not bodily, but spiritual; though the body has its share in it, even a large one. It is a caressing of love so sweet which now takes place between the soul and God, that I pray to God of His goodness to make him experience it who may think that I’m lying.

[There are many translations of this passage even though it sounds better in the original language. I picked a translation available at Project Gutenberg – Chapter XXIX]

It wasn't the visions and the validity she tried to justify to her confessors that struck me when I read her book. The raptures she experienced could have been induced by many things, both natural and supernatural, depending on who you ask. Even though she was writing under the vow of obedience we are able to capture, through her writings, a clear picture of her soul, her faith and conflict. What I mean is not a conflict of faith, on the contrary. It’s a devotion that communicates dynamism, movement, flow, stress, restlessness, desire, reach, like a courtship! A constant wanting to leap into the arms of another who’s not entirely within reach, not yet, but to whom we can say anything, to whom we can love how we love, unshackled and undressed and frail and unafraid. We as mere readers and testimonies of these writings are left with this incredible gift, an incredible mystical experience pushing the soul into every direction. Her experience and intellectual ability to absorb the church’s doctrine and transcend it through her own words didn’t come without scrutiny. I wonder what she would have done without such intense monitoring.

I don’t want to misstep and say that Teresa wasn’t worried about salvation or worried about good works for the Church which she loved so much, in good measure with some criticism, I may add. However, at least from my readings, the church was more in the way than anything else. It was the people she was concerned with, and the actions upon the world with the promise of bringing religious perfection onto God. In order to do that, she reformed a religious order and founded the Discalced Carmelites, proceeding to found 17 convents across 16th century’s Spanish territory. Perhaps her endeavours were even more daunting, not only because she was a woman navigating a patriarchal society, but because she had some serious health issues. And yet, despite the limitations of her body, she strove for perfection in the way that she instituted the principles of her order.

It’s interesting how she wanted to live among small groups of people, no more than 13 nuns. The convent of the Incarnation in Ávila had about 180 [I don’t remember the precise number; it was more than 100]. As someone suffering from social anxiety and concentration difficulties among large groups of people I can only imagine Teresa’s unfruitful attempts at mental prayer and contemplation while 180 nuns were having visits from their families, not to mention the chattering, the noise, the infighting and the bustle. Teresa believed deeply that God was guiding her steps and it gave her a sense of purpose and a mission. From an early age she knew that a life of marriage and motherhood wasn’t the right vocation for her, but neither was a life of just being inside a convent and begging to creepy noblemen for patronage, or spending the day visiting people’s houses for alms. Money was something she despised with a passion. She wanted her nuns (her daughters) to be as self-sufficient as they could possibly be, as physically and spiritually strong and independent as they could be, as united in the love of God through effective forms of prayer, but above all that this should be their choice and their vocation too, independently of their social origins.

The accounts of contemporary Discalced Carmelites describing their own enclosure elucidate the reasons for such a radical life decision. Very few, if any, aren't there because they couldn’t be somewhere else, much less in this day and age. This was the wish of Teresa for the future, that people could be free to choose but when they did, that they’d be working towards something and pursuing something, not running away from less savoury aspects of worldly life. This was also her conflict and she sacrificed her well-being to leave an opportunity in the open for religious women and men at the time – she also founded male monasteries with great support from St. John of the Cross in the reformation of the Carmelites.

I still have so much to learn about Teresa's mysticism and her life in more practical terms. I haven’t read her book about the foundations, her letters or her poetry. She had a worldview and I think I’ve found my little corner in it. She struggled to explain her experience of the divine because it’s something extremely personal and unique, meaning that if we haven’t experienced it ourselves most likely we won’t know what she’s talking about. It’s not only about what images she saw, perceived or thought – images that were already part of her tradition – but all the sensations vibrating through her at that moment and the way she interpreted these: as gifts and perfect communion.

It’s funny that I’ve been trying to figure out her work in isolation, and I have absolutely no idea if the message I get from her writings is true, false or in between. Did I nail it or did I miss the mark? It’s one of those rare cases where I read more of the primary source than the secondary interpretative essays. In most cases, I prefer to read alongside deep historical context, introductory essays, literature analysis, you name it. It helps a lot to go for mediaeval studies and proceed from there. I would avoid sources without any connections to University departments. It’s just that in this specific case I may have been looking for something else and my perspective as a reader was marked by intentions I wasn’t even aware of.

I have to thank Bernini for the figure immortalised in his sculpture and the little cherubim that almost killed our saint with passion. Some clergymen won’t get much praise here for distrusting the experiences of a religious woman to the point that she had to lay it out for everyone to see and analyse its validity. It seems like intense scrutiny is what validates a mystic. It was yet another sacrifice Teresa wasn’t entirely aware of as she was very picky as to who should read her writings. Well… that part didn’t go so well for her to the advantage of theologians, medievalists, feminists, lay people and even atheists.

 
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from how do you spell cool

promo image for the zine showing a picture of the zine superimposed multiple times with different coloring

The first issue of the official howdoyouspell.cool ZINE is now available for download!

Download here!

Featuring words from the following articles/authors:

  1. WE ARE BESET BY SUFFERING ON ALL SIDES by forrest @ Mastodon
  2. Long Weekend (Battles Without Honor and Humanity) by Hazardes @ Mastodon
  3. Misc. FrogComPosBand sentiments by CrapKnocker @ Mastodon
  4. Shonen Weekdays by DharmaDischarge @ Mastodon
  5. Hot Dark Love: Work Date by SodiumReactor @ Mastodon
 
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from Sodium Reactor

Early March, The Year Before Everything Happened

====================================== “You're fucking kidding me. I mean she's kidding right?” Sofia Gomez groaned. She stood there on the stage, wearing gym shorts and a sports bra. She'd comfortably made weight for her third professional MMA bout only to watch her opponent shed nearly all her clothing to barely make it under the 136 lb limit on the second attempt. Worse yet, the tall black woman had maintained a starry eyed, goofball expression throughout the proceedings as if she were simply happy to be there.

Sofia wondered if she'd looked that starstruck ahead of her professional debut. She doubted it; back then all she'd thought about was just beating the other girl by any means possible. As a final indignity, when they turned toward each other for the weigh in and matchup photos, her opponent had met Sofia's serious, 'fists raised' pose with a broad smile and a goofy pose more suited for a cartoon than a fighter. Sofia clenched her jaw: this girl must be fucking with her. She might not take Sofia serious yet, but once the cage door closed, this goofy teen would realize just how serious she was.

Unlike Sofia’s first two opponents, tonight's victim came with a little buzz of her own: amateur boxing, kickboxing, and MMA experience, and a famous mother. Her opponent's mother might be “The Assassin” but Sofia wasn't fighting Yolanda Freeman. She was fighting the daughter, an apparently starstruck college freshman. Sofia and her team didn't need tape to expect a technically proficient striker and only needed their eyes to recognize a girl in over her head. She ran her hands through her brown tresses and grimaced. Mauling a famous person's daughter might be just what she needed to finally earn the attention she deserved

“I hope you can back up all that shit you were talking online.” Sofia Gomez challenged as the pair left the stage. “Mom's not here to protect you anymore.”

“Me too. It'd be hella embarrassing to go out there and get knocked the fuck out.” Simone Freeman shrugged and smiled. Her black and red twists hung down her face and past her shoulders, partially obscuring her face and the wide grin she offered. “Make sure you bring your whole toolbox!”

“Wait... what?” Sofia squinted. “You were on Twitter predicting some fucking highlight reel finish for your debut, but in person you're a weirdo.” She menaced, stepping toward her opponent for the evening. “What's up with you?”

Simone didn't back down, just stared back, goofy grin still firmly affixed on her face. “Nah, not a weirdo, just… show me your whole style, OK? It's only worth it if you give it your all. Hit me with the swaggy shit. I mean, real talk, I still have to run your fade or my mom will be pissed. ” the younger fighter ran her hand through her braids with an expression between anxiety and interest. “But we can be friends afterwards? I mean, I'm not pressed but it'd be cool if we coul-”

“Are you serious?” Sofia barked. “You can't talk about 'wanting to be friends' the morning before we fight. Wait... you know we're fighting tonight, right? Against each other?” Sofia explained, unsure if this Black teen was stupid, naive, or merely goofy.

“Well yeah, duh, but we're only fighting because I need your-” Simone began before someone spoke over her.

“Quiet please.” One of the staff demanded and Simone Freeman bit her lip in frustration: banter was the fun part, and there'd be precious little time to trade it once they started trading blows in the cage tonight. Instead she found herself instinctively checking to ensure her mom wouldn't admonish her for her antics. Sofia watched the strange young woman apologize again, give a short sideways peace sign, and followed her team out of the room. The 2-0 professional MMA fighter wanted to follow her, to find out exactly what Simone meant, but the rest of their conversation would have to wait; two other members of her camp still had to weigh in for their bouts that evening.

Sofia could feel the tension drain from her body as Simone left her presence. She wanted more than this, more than this modest regional MMA promotion could offer. She wanted lights and glamour and fat paychecks and maybe an acting gig. “West Coast Warriors” was just the stepping stone towards that next goal, and knocking out a famous fighter's idiot daughter would be just the boost she needed to get noticed and signed by one of the major, national, MMA promotions. Global Fighting Championship or Bellatrix or one of the few others that could offer the money she knew she was worth. All that remained on her road to stardom was to pummel this dizzy, pampered princess.


Later that evening


“And now, fighting out of the red corner, hailing from right here in Inglewood, California and making her professional debut, let's hear it for ‘The Savant,’ Simone Freeman!” the announcer boomed. The college freshman rocked her hips back and forth in a short dance before she reached toward the sky with one open hand. She'd spent weeks thinking about what to do in this exact moment: blow a kiss? Flex? Do a backflip? In the end she'd settled for something that felt authentic and wouldn't draw her mother's ire.

The crowd was sparse, the air was humid, and she could see her mother at cageside complaining to her gym's other cofounder, the one serving as her actual, official MMA coach. Simone relished an opportunity to be somewhere where her mother's opinions couldn't reach her. She was an artist, a martial artist, not a dumb fighter. Tonight she wanted to use her body to make art and use her fists to speak to the woman across the cage. She hoped for a conversation but wouldn't hold her breath. After all, her mother had warned her that the modest MMA promotion had had difficulty finding a willing third opponent for Angie: neither of her first two foes had made it to the third round. For her part, Simone thought this fight wouldn't see the third round either.

“And fighting out of the blue corner, hailing from Ontario, California, with a professional record of two wins, zero losses, both by referee stoppage, Sofia 'The Huntress' Martens!” The announcer's voice pierced Simone's errant thoughts. She watched the woman flexing across the cage and then wondered if anyone cared about what fighters did during their introductions. It was just an unspoken thing that they tried to look tough or intimidating, but why? Anyone scared by this kind of posturing wasn't a factor in the first place.

Simone’s mind roamed and she only found her way back to reality after the referee called them together. Sofia glared at her; Simone resisted the temptation to do something silly while the referee repeated the rules. They were obvious, obligatory. Sofia's green and yellow kit contrasted strongly against Simone's red and white. Sofia thought her opponent looked like a Red Cross logo. The comparison was fitting, since she intended to ensure that Simone left the cage en route to the hospital. So what if this little weirdo had a famous mother? As far as Sofia was concerned, she was the highly touted prospect here, Simone was here to feed her dreams. For her part, Simone wondered if the 22 year old Sofia had intentionally worn Brazil's colors. Or was that Jamaica’s? Damn, now she really wanted to look up the two countries flags…

The referee finally stopped talking and the two women touched gloves and walked back to their corners. The whole arena seemed to hold its breath until the bell rang and the fight began. There'd be no take-backs, no redos, no mulligans tonight. Simone Freeman had begged her mom for a professional MMA debut; whatever happened next was solely ‘The Savant's’ responsibility and would stick with her for the rest of her life. Sofia Gomez looked across the ring and saw a path to stardom running right through this spacey, if broad, rookie.

SCENE 2 Early March, The Year Before Everything Happened

====================================== The two women could scarcely have had more different body language as they left their corners of the MMA cage: Sofia 'The Huntress' Martens advanced cautiously, hands up and ready to meet her opponent, who sauntered out hands low and seemingly unconcerned. Simone Freeman extended her hand, as if to touch gloves. Sofia stared at her, hard, then shook her head and circled. “I'm not here to fucking play with you, little girl.”

“Who's playing?” Simone asked, moving too slowly to avoid the first jab of the night. It caught her on the cheek before she ducked the cross that followed and backed away.

The 19 year rookie bounced in her stance, using the wide open space of the MMA cage to avoid most of Sofia's strikes, but throwing precious few of her own in return. Simone's strikes all landed, but Sofia was winning on pure volume and aggression. The college freshman backed away until she felt the cage behind her, shortly before Sofia pinned her against it. The lanky woman corralled her head, pushed and pulled her, hit her, and did everything she could to keep the brawny rookie immobilized and uncomfortable.

“Scared, bitch?” Sofia menaced through her mouthguard.

“Bored.” Simone grunted. She moved her hands, shifted her weight, kept her legs moving. She knew what to do, slowly struggling and slipping her way free from the clinch. But actually executing those steps was so tedious, made moreso by Sofia's stubborn insistence on hitting her with whatever limb she had free.

Sofia shifted too, trying to trip or slam her freshly caught prey. Simone finally found her way out, pushing down, away, moving her hips, and finally sliding off the wall back onto the open mats with a short sharp, “Nope!”

Sofia made a large desperate lunge and found herself at Simone's feet.

“Come on. Get up. You wanted to fight, let's fight.” Simone beamed down at her. “You can lay on the ground later.”

The ref urged her up, and a grumbling Huntressa pushed herself back up to her feet. She'd won her first two fights on pressure and aggression and tonight would be no different. She was going to rough up this diva until she inevitably broke. Easy. Simple. Just keep the fight close, slow, and scrappy. The ref waved for them to continue, and Sofia figured that the judges would reward her for taking the fight to this goofball princess. She crouched low and pressed forward, looking to wrap up Simone's legs and take her to the ground.

Instead, 'the Huntress' caught a bright red glove to her lip before she finished her step. She stared at Simone when she couldn't do anything else; the grinning black rookie had already slid away and out of her range. “Ok, now get me back.” Simone instructed. Between the mouthguard and her tone, Sofia couldn't tell if that was a taunt or a genuine request. It really didn't matter. She tightened her guard and pushed forward into range, leading with quick, straight punches that felt good until they landed on her opponent's shoulder or found only empty air. Simone seemed to bounce in front of her, unfazed, smiling, tagging her with strike that actually landed despite Sofia's efforts, checking her advances with sharp short hooks and elbows, and digging into her leg with a sharp low kick that slowly grew from annoying to threatening every time Sofia failed to block it. Sofia was confused: she was throwing punches, pushing the pace, spending time in the clinch, pushing Simone around the cage.

So why didn't she feel like she was winning?

Even as she threw with more volume, for every strike she landed flush it felt like the smiling, obnoxious brat landed two and then slipped away before Sofia could corral her. “Come on! Show me something cool!” Simone demanded. They both stood there in their orthodox stances, but damn if it didn't feel like there was a fist waiting for Sofia every time she waded within arm's reach. Simone's punches hurt, but so what if theis girl was a good striker? She and her team had predicted that, planned for that. Simone's precision wouldn't matter in a clinch or on the ground.

“Stupid fucking...” Sofia railed, circling again. She wanted to get close, but how, and when?

“Cut the cage off! Level change!” Her corner yelled as the two woman orbited each other.

Sofia absorbed another stray leg kick before an elbow rattled her jaw as she lunged into her preferred range. She bit down on her mouthguard and kept her hands up. She'd never been scared, hadn't gotten this far by being timid. She feinted a jab, took a long, lunging step, and pulled Simone into another clinch. This cocky little girl's punches might hurt, but she wilted when Sofia got her hands on her. The fair skinned, 2 fight veteran had visions of taking the fight to the ground and wringing the life and fight out of this dainty princess. She winged punches, knees, elbows, into whatever Simone didn't coverup, and found herself smiling at the helpless, frustrated grunts that Simone made each time she absorbed another blow. “That cool enough for you?” She mocked.

“This isn't cool at all....” Simone whined, moving this way and that, looking for the path of least resistance out of this annoying, painful clinch. “Your whole strategy is whack and uninspired.”

Sofia fought to keep her arm tucked between Simone's arm and her body, and the underhook was beginning to prove troublesome. Wrestling, grappling, clinching made sense on a theoretical level to the young woman, but in practice it required so much... effort. It was grindy and tiresome and not at all cool or innovative or dynamic. Just two anacondas squeezing the life out of each other, trying to see who'd break first. Sofia's knee crashed into her thigh again and Simone decided she no longer wished to be there and clinch with this woman. In practice she could just go limp or tap out to reset the scenario, but here, here? She'd actually have to fight her way out. It was tedious. Unnecessary. Troublesome. Professional Fighting. The South LA native covered up until she caught Sofia's wrist and slowly, patiently, unraveled their bodies, until she could push off and away. Sofia pushed forward and came with an inch of Simone's knee rocketing up towards Sofia's head. She didn't pursue after that, content to circle and play the next engagement.

Sofia cycled through her strategies and techniques in a hurry. Standing outside of her arm's reach meant absorbing more abuse, more -ouch- pain in her jaw, face, side, thigh. She couldn't compete with Simone Freeman's power or speed or precision. But Simone was a dead fish, or a pillow princess, once Sofia gripped her. She could use that. They bounced, stared at each other for a moment, until Sofia took the initiative: a simple one-two combo, followed by a wrestling shot from long range. But Sofia's takedown attempt was yet another faint, and Sofia rose into a mighty overhand punch that came down and caught the momentarily frozen fighter flush on the jaw. Simone's eye went wide and Sofia happily collected the wild black girl into a tight clinch,

“Wait, an actual feint? Into a ... superman? Finally something cool! I wanna try it!” Simone grunted.

“Stop talking so damn much. Damn!” Sofia shot back, punctuating the demand with another knee.

Simon replied with a few punches of her own, finally fighting through the clinch with a mixture of brute strength and careful movement. The two women traded punches and knees until Simone slipped free and back to the open cage. She planted her feet and threw and a blistering left hook meant primarily to discourage Sofia from following her. The punch was intended to miss, to give Sofia something to consider. The fact that the fair skinned brunette ran headlong into the punch was a bonus as far as Simone was concerned: if Sofia couldn't anticipate the check hook coming, she deserved to get cracked by it.

The punch caught Sofia flush; her eyes widened and she backed off immediately. Simone didn't need her corner's encouragement to pursue. The kicks came first, scything straight into Sofia's side, then her thigh. The older woman winced and gritted her teeth and flinched, committing halfway to pivoting her leg to check a third kick that never came and covering up against further abuse. Instead Simone fed Sofia a stiff straight right through her lazy guard. The punch landed flush and knocked her loopy. Sofia only knew this buzzed, floating feeling in passing; she'd been tagged in training, left wobbly and panicked. But neither of her first two opponents had hit her this hard in their actual matches. She faded against the cage and covered up, unsure of what else to do while she negotiated how to engage Simone. The crowd cheered around, behind her, while the obnoxious debuting fighter menaced her, smiling around her red and white mouthgaurd.

“Show me something.” The ref demanded, monitoring the sudden shift in the fight very closely.

“Show me something cool, Sofia!” Simone added. She was right there in front of Sofia, close enough to touch, if Sofia could only clear the cobwebs and fucking hit her, grab her.

Sofia Gomez had already grown to detest this weird woman, the one who asked goofy questions and smiled in the middle of fights and kept demanding she 'do something cool' like a moron. This was a fight, not a pageant, and in any event, Sofia was operating on a reduced set of goals and instructions while the brain fog cleared. When Simone floated, faded back away from her, Sofia sprung like a trap, lunging at the obnoxious black girl without any consideration for what Simone had in mind.

Simone complained loudly and bitterly as Sofia tackled her to the canvas. The Huntress had grabbed her right in the middle of the sick-ass spinning kick she was about to throw. To make things worse, Sofia had ended up on Simone’s back as well. Sofia wrapped her arms around Simone's torso, pushed her chest against Simone's back, and pressed the brawny striker into the canvas, eventually winging wild punches into Simone's sides and face. Simone covered up, pulled away, and groaned. “How the fu-” She railed before the bell sounded to end the first round of her professional MMA career.

Sofia only let go of her quarry when the ref tapped her on the shoulder for the third time. She released Simone, stood up, and made her way back to her corner.

Simone slapped the canvas and walked back to her corner. Aside from that a few nifty moments, Sofia's fighting style was infinitely less deep and nuanced than she'd hoped. And worse yet, Simone knew her mom and her other coach would disparage her performance so far. Ugh. Nothing about this was cool.

SCENE THREE

Early March, The Year Before Everything Happened

====================================== She knew the question before her mom or her coach asked it. There was no answer they'd accept. They'd demand one anyways. Here her mother also served as her assistant coach, largely because Yolanda 'the Assassin' Freeman had been a fairly famous boxer a decade or two ago, and she now co-owned the gym that 'the Savant' Simone Freeman trained at. The other co-owner was the man to her left, the one serving as her official MMA coach. The two adults tended to Simone's bruises, offered her water, and asked her the questions that the 18 year old knew she couldn't avoid.

“The fuck are you doing in there? Do you even want to win?” One of them asked. Simone winced. There it was. Ugh. Pointed like a rapier, intended to draw blood and shame.

Simone looked up at them blankly. She knew what they wanted her to say. She struggled to want to say it. She settled upon a compromise. “Yeah. I know. That kinda sucked. But I figured it out. I asked a question and found the answer.”

“What are you even talking about?” Her mother demanded.

“She had that little shot-feint. That was cool. Other than that though her style is boring. No depth. No nuance. She's trying to scrap. That's it. Ugly, dirty, mad annoying.”

“And it's working.”

“Nah. I understand. She's just a bigger Ysela. It's fine.” Simone put her hands up to explain, referencing the other rookie member of their gym.

“So fucking put her away! Stop all this spinning shit and just get her out of here if it's so damn simple.” Her mother barked at her until the gym's other co-owner, the one who'd made a full career out of MMA slid between mother and daughter.

“I wanna hear all about it Simone.” He offered, a stabilizing presence. “Tell me everything you found out about her. But tell me tonight, on the drive home, after we get this dub. She's boring. So prove it. To her, to the fans. No spins, no leaping anything. Just break her down. Prove how boring she is.” Her coach asked. Simone nodded at him and smiled slowly, running a gloved hand through her mop of black and red twists. Perhaps she could find some fun tonight after all.

Across the cage, Sofia 'The Huntress' Martens was having a very different conversation with her team. “I can beat her.” Sofia growled. Her spotless 2-0 professional record was in very real danger unless she could keep her opponent out of the striking exchanges that so clearly favored her.

“I know you can, Angie.” Her coach assured her while he tended to her superficial wounds.. “But you're not gonna do it by standing and trading with her. She's got more power than we thought she did, and she's piecing you up on the outside. That's fine. We expected that part. Keep working your way in. Hands up, light on your feet, keep pushing her back. The cage is your friend, use it. Tie her up, beat her up, take her down, and let's finish her, Angie.” The spry slugger bit down and her mouthpiece and nodded. She looked forward to spoiling 'Slick's' coming out party tonight and proving that she was the prospect people should be talking about. “How' your leg?” Her coach asked, still icing the ugly bruises that had already began to form on Sofia's thigh and calf.

“It hurts. It's fine.” Sofia protested. “It's fine.”

“Seconds out!” The referee yelled, and both women stood to continue their bout. Their support staff rose and left the cage, shouting final encouragement and instructions. The two competitors found themselves alone again, save each and the ref. The fight might be scheduled for three 5 minute rounds, but after the action in the first round, no one expected a decision finish. The judges meant to score the fight could likely take a restroom break: no one would be looking at their scores for this fight. Whoever'd booked this fight for the modest Southern California MMA promotion had delivered fireworks to the modest, but passionate crowd.

The bell tolled to begin the second round. Simone bounded to the center ring and stopped fist out as if she expected Sofia to finish the other half of the fist bump. Whether intended as an amicable gesture or an insult, Sofia couldn't be sure. “What? Come on...” Simone insisted as she stared at the shorter, lighter woman. What was certain, however, was that Sofia wouldn't waste an opportunity to take the fight where she wanted it to go. She landed a stiff right hand and quickly wrangled Simone into a clinch, starting the second round as well as she had the first. Simone complained, loudly, bitterly, even before Angie drover her knee into Simone's stomach and backed her into the cage. Simone tied her up as best she could to staunch Sofia's assault and considered her predicament.

'Slick' Simone Freeman had only herself to blame. She'd spent the last minute assuaging her corner's fears, promising them that she'd focus on the fight and only the fight. Then she'd come out and made a friendly gesture, and an obvious lapse in judgement. There was no one to blame but herself. Now she'd have to fight her way out of the clinch before she resumed trying to turn this scrappy brawler's lights off. Damn. Worse yet, even if she won now she'd hear it from her team, from her coaches, from her mother. Damn. And to top it all off, this raggedy brunette was STILL hitting her. Damn damn damn. She pulled Sofia close, wrestled with her, swam and slipped her arms under Sofia's own, pushing and pulling for better position. Grappling was a grind, a series of moves and positions connected by heavy breathing and spent effort. She wanted none of this but had no other option if she was to resume feeding her bright red MMA gloves to 'The Huntress.'

“Get used to this, space cadet..” Sofia snarled before she pivoted to throw Simone to the ground. Unfortunately, the pain in her leg throbbed loud enough to demand attention, robbing the takedown attempt of some of its power. Instead, they collapsed in a heap, Simone half sitting on the canvas, back against the cage, while Sofia held her. It was hardly the definitive takedown that Sofia had envisioned, and Sofia cursed at herself for absorbing those kicks in the first round without making Simone pay in blood.

“You're not strong enough to bully me.” Simone grunted, even as Sofia laid into her with short punches. She held onto the brawler as best she could, then pushed, pulled, and finally found the space to lean backwards against the cage and push herself back to her feet. Sofia still found her own opportunistic offense, digging knees into Simone's thigh as she sought to corral her for a second takedown. but Simone attempted her own toss and though Sofia didn't fall, she at last forced Sofia far enough off balance to disengage and escape back into the open canvas. Simone bounded away and reset back into her bouncy stance, hands at the ready. “I told you, you're too little to bully me.” She smiled. “So now what?”

Sofia Gomez said nothing, just bit down on her mouthpiece and came forward. Simone stunned her with a punch that never came, a feinted jab that whizzed through the air. She took advantage of Sofia's temporary temerity to blast another kick into her thigh. Sofia winced and fired back while hunting for another clinch. The throbbing in her rear leg made it harder to put weight on the limb, harder to pivot, more uncomfortable to use as a base for all of her offence while Simone evaded her at every turn. Simone switched stances and bobbed and weaved while Sofia pushed forward, fists pumping. The weary brawler caught a right hand that pushed her mouthguard back into her teeth. She barely had time to consider the punch before Simone switched her stance and thudded her shin across Sofia's cheek again. Sofia groaned, but returned Simone's smile even as she retreated. She knew better than to show weakness, but dammit, that hurt. They repeated that dance twice more: Sofia finding it increasingly difficult to lay hands on Simone and pull her into the kind of grinding, gritty war of attrition she wanted, instead more of Simone's fluid striking combos found their marks frustrating the threatened 2-0 fighter.

The referee hovered, alert but apparently unwilling to intervene as long as both women were standing and throwing. Sofia landed the stiff right cross she'd come to trust and Simone relented. The two women locked eyes during their brief detente and Sofia turned again to the sneaky combo she'd employed last right. A brief flurry, a feinted takedown, and a mighty right hand that left her in perfect position to take the fight wherever she wanted it to go. But as she rose to throw that downward punch, she found Simone smiling, not cowered. Sofia threw her punch but ate Simone's instead. The exchange was jarring, distressing. Her plot defused, she half-panicked and shot for another takedown. She wrapped her arms around Simone for only a moment before the smiling youngster pushed her down to the canvas and extricated herself from Sofia's desperate lunge. A textbook sprawl.

“Hell nah. Sorry.” Simone explained before urging the ref to intervene. “Stand her ass up, ref. I came here to fight.” Simone lied. She'd come to play, to explore, to share and demonstrate, and had only grudgingly accepted that Sofia had no interest in any of that. Sofia grumbled and stood up, wondering how much longer this damn round could last. She needed to regroup, to plan something better than this. When she didn't lead their dance, Simone took the initiative, standing just inside the range of her kicks. From there, nearly every move she'd learned was viable or could be made so with a single step in the right direction. The result was a flash of brilliance: a jab was a mere antenna to confirm the range before two scything kicks followed and left room for Simone to float in, throw two punches and another arcing kick before floating away. Sofia threw and stepped and lunged but Simone seemed a half step out of reach at all times until it was her turn to strike. Sofia hit shoulder and her hands slid off Simone's arm or waist. Nothing felt effective. Everything hurt.

Sofia wasn't sure which of the blows had cracked her. It didn't matter. Her legs threatened to betray her and her pulse pounded in her ears. Pain blared across her body and she wanted nothing more than a momentary reprieve. Dammit. This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go. Simone wasn't supposed to be this hard to take down or tie up. Sofia was better than this, she lamented as she shelled up and circled away. She noticed Simone stepping and recognized the motion as the wind up for a kick far too late to do anything but absorb it. The pain radiated through her thigh and she couldn't even remember how she ended up sitting on the canvas but the ref was urging her on, threatening to stop the fight.

Fuck that.

She pushed up to her feet and threw looping punches, more haymakers than measured strikes. Something might land. She just needed to survive, to scare this girl off for a moment and get her bearings as she retreated. Simone's spun and partly connected with a wild kick before whiffing entirely on a Superman punch.

Sofia abandoned any attempt at offence content to survive, until Simone's right hand split her guard and sent her stumbling back into the cage behind her. Every instinct in her brain demanded that she not absorb another punch like that. Instead her frantic thoughts turned towards diving forward and wrestling when Simone wandered too close. She could tie this woman up and run out the clock.

Sofia moved in to tie up the woman. Simone's elbow collided with her cheek, and the knee that followed drove the wind out of her body, but as long as she made it to the bell none of that mattered. Sofia scrambled, trying to contain and corral this surprisingly strong rookie, until she ate another short lead hook. The world beneath her floated and she struggled to find her footing.


Sofia felt a hand on her shoulder and swung her arm to dislodge Simone. Everything felt sluggish and heavy.

“Whoa, whoa, easy there.“ The voice of her coach surprised her, and she froze while the world came into focus. She blinked and breathed and found herself sitting reclined and surrounded by her team and the arena's medical personnel. It took her a few seconds to make sense of the scene, and a few seconds more to form the only word that seemed appropriate. “Goddammit.” She shouted it in her head before she croaked it aloud and muttered it again as the realization washed over her. She stared up at the ringside medic, then at her team, then at the ceiling lights of the arena before someone helped her properly sit up.

This new vantage point brought a new nightmare: Her victorious opponent facing away from the cage wall, hands on her knees, twerking. Fucking twerking in the MMA cage. Shaking her ass with carefree abandon. Simone fucking Freeman had just knocked her out. Goddammit. The words sounded putrid in her head, and she felt nauseous.

The medic asked questions and Sofia answered, focusing for a moment on the crowd around her and not on her still-dancing college student foe. The questions were stupid, obvious: she knew her own name, the date, the time, the city. She merely wanted to forget all of those things, forget any of this had happened. Sofia rose to her feet and could have done so without the doctor's help, but the hands on her shoulders also served to keep her from stopping Simone's celebration by any means necessary. Simone finally seemed to take notice of her and bounded over to her in two long strides. Sofia Gomez clenched her jaw, tried not to rage or scream or cry while she watched her insufferable opponent suppress her insufferable smile and fix her lips to greet her.

“Did the doctors say anything? Are you gonna be ok? Thanks for the fight by the way.” Simone chattered as she reached in to hug her opponent. Sofia wanted none of it, none of this, none of her.

“Yeah. I'm fine.” Sofia growled, half-heartedly embracing her opponent. How were you supposed to treat the woman who'd just knocked you out? This was novel and unwelcome territory.

“Thank God. I was worried, y'know? Like, shit. The way you went down? I was kinda worried. I mean damn, you know? But you do a lot of cool things and I’d love to train together sometime, or at least like… chat, nahmean? I meant what I said about us being friends if you want. Or you can try and get revenge later and shit. Or both. It's all good.” Simone still rode the high of her win, offering sympathy and challenges alike to the still woozy girl she’d fought.

“Mhm. Yeah. Totally.” Sofia muttered, still seething. Right now she wanted nothing to do with this cocky brat. It was easy to be magnanimous when you were distributing concussions, not receiving them. Sofia's temples throbbed. She wanted to sit down and sleep, or at least get the fuck out from under these bright lights.

Simone took the hint and let go of her. “Thank you for showing me your style. ...” She assured the shorter woman. Simone Freeman shot Sofia a last warm smile and then clapped her hands together with a short bow, a sign of gratitude to her defeated foe before she turned away and turned back to her crowd. Sofia just shook her head. Damn. She just wanted to tonight over with.

Her coach offered that she could skip the decision entirely, but the persistent fog in her head made it easier to just go along with what was happening. The simplest choice was to just get this decision read and finish tonight as soon as possible. “Let's just... let's just get this over with.” Sofia muttered to her coach, who nodded back to her. “You're gonna be fine, Angie. This sucks. Forget it. We'll get her next time.” Sofia nodded but didn't fully believe. Not right now at least.

Wrestling with Simone was alternatively frustrating and rewarding, but striking with her felt like a fool's errand. She shook her head, then winced, and tried not to think about the first loss of her career. The ref finally called for both fighters to join him in the center of the ring and Sofia grimaced. Was this what her first two victims felt like? Online, Simone had promised a highlight KO'd and then actually delivered, leaving Sofi to pick up the pieces and figure out what came next. She clenched her teeth as the referee held her arm. She knew she wasn't getting it raised tonight.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has called a stop to this contest at 3 minutes and 45 seconds into the second round.” Sofia looked away as the announcer continued. “Your winner by knockout: 'Slick' Simone Freeman!” The referee announced, to the hearty applause of the modest crowd.

To her credit, Simone at least hugged her first before she ran to the cage wall to start twerking again. She danced a little while longer, gyrating her hips, looking back over her shoulder, tongue out, her short 'victory celebration.' Sofia could already hear the other fighters in the gym giving her shit for getting KO'd by a girl who twerked.

Yesterday Simone had been a prospective victim, a name on Sofia's resume. Tonight, Sofia couldn't shake the feeling that maybe she'd been the one being hunted.

Goddammit.


#Writing #FirstDraft #Series

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